How do you know it's time to say goodbye to a pet?

[y4m]

My dog Toby is 16. He's been with me since college. Has pretty much been the picture of health most of that time.

For the past year or so he has really been showing his age. First he lost his hearing, so he cannot answer commands anymore. He had a few rough falls down the stairs, so we gated them and started carrying him up and down with us. Then he started aimlessly pacing, sometimes for hours at a time. He'll sometimes just stop and stare at a wall, and if I get out of his sight (sometimes even when I'm still in the room, just too still or far for him to see me) he does this panicked separation anxiety bark. All these things are signs of a canine form of dementia but there's really no treatment.

He has pretty much lost his house training--we can take him outside for a walk and he won't poop or pee, only to do it shortly after in the house. It often doesn't even seem like he knows he's doing it. Our floors and furniture were getting ruined, so now we are at a point where he needs to be gated in small easily cleaned areas. We still let him sleep in the bed with us, but in his own bed we have waterproofed with puppy pads.

We've been to the vet. At first they diagnosed him with moderate kidney failure, and we started a special diet. It helped a bit with the in house peeing. But then got worse again. However his latest blood work actually shows that the kidney disease has reversed and he is once again a picture of health, on paper anyway. We have finally found a painkiller that helps some, but it has to be specially compounded and is $$$.

For the last month or so, he's lost potty training to a point where if he's not directly supervised at all times, it's highly likely he will poop in his penned area and then walk through it and track it around in circles while he paces. It is heartbreaking and disgusting, and a very frustrating thing to deal with day after day. We've tried diapers and other solutions, but the best we can come up with is penning him in a small area with a waterproof and washable blanket so that he has room to pace but the damage is contained.

I don't think we can sustain this level of care for him long term, especially with a baby on the way. We are already at a point where our long term dog sitters are finding it to be too much. But at the same time, I feel a ton of guilt and sadness about the idea of giving up on him because he is difficult.

On the other other hand, I don't think he has much quality of life at this point. I can't remember the last time he felt like himself. His favorite things were snuggling with us and walks and laying in the sun, and even those very sedentary things make him anxious or uncomfortable at this point.

Anyway, sorry that got long. It is helping me just to write it out.

Any words of wisdom?

[mskitkat]

I will be honest, if flameful. I was sort of relieved that my cat passed away before my baby came. I physically could not have kept up with the level of care and love she would have needed and handle a new baby. I thought I could and had full intention of taking her to kitty chemo and everything, but looking back, I couldn't have done it, and the guilt over being unable to take care of her like she needed would have been very heavy.

[lurknomore]

dexteroni has a great post about this. I'll see if I can find it. But the gist is if he can no longer do his three favorite things, it's time. As hard as it is, it sounds like you're there. It sucks. We lost our first baby a year and a half ago but I'm glad we made the choice to say goodbye when we did. You'll hear from others a week too soon rather than a day too late. I truly believe that. We are starting to grapple with this for our other older dog. It's so hard. Hugs to you.

Eta: here is one of the many posts Dexteroni has had on this...we followed it nearly to a t with our first.

I'm so sorry. This is such a terrible thing to go through for pet owners. It's so hard to know if you're doing the right thing.

When we got to this stage with Dexter, our vet was instrumental in helping us determine when the time was right. Here are the things he asked us to think about:

- How many days are good vs. bad? When the bad days handily outnumber the good, it may be time to think about the next step.

- What are his three favorite things to do - can he do them anymore? Can he enjoy them?

- Out of a typical 24-hour period, how many hours does he spend enjoying life? Not sleeping, not just lying there zoning out, but enjoying life?

As far as whether to bring in the vet, I agree that letting a dog pass naturally often isn't the most peaceful way. I know your DH's heart is in the right place, but watching a pet suffer and get worse when you know there's no chance of recovery is, IMO, is an awful thing to do to them. And an awful set of last memories for you and your DH.

Once we made the decision with Dexter, we scheduled a few days out, then spent his last few days spoiling him and just piling him with love. I took him into the "no dogs allowed" park we walked past every day and he always wanted to go into, I drove him to his favorite sniffing and peeing spots that we used to pass on the longer walks that he hadn't been able to take in a long time, etc. I fed him all delicious foods that would never normally be ok for a dog to eat all day every day. Spending those last days pampering him before things got really bad was one of the few silver linings in the terribleness of losing him. I would always recommend this path over making him wait it out. (((((hugs)))))

Read more: pandce.proboards.com/thread/539574/update-pet-advice-life-care#ixzz4ID4JMmry

[karinothing]

IT sounds like he has had a good long life but that his quality of life is no longer good. I think sometimes we as pet owners keep our animals around past their time because it is not so obvious that they are in pain like it would be with people (and let's be honest, it is so very hard to lose a pet). But I think if he is no longer enjoying the things he once did, it is time. I am sorry. I know how hard it is.

[Deleted]

I'm sorry, I know how hard it is to watch a pet grow old.

My childhood dog was diagnosed with spleen cancer at age 12, and we were told it had already spread. She lived for 4 months after that. My parents let her go naturally, but it was heartbreaking. I would not have made that same choice. She clearly was suffering and had a very low quality of life. She refused to eat anything, even liver, which was her favorite. She was too weak to go outside for the last 3 weeks of her life.

You will know when it's time. Please don't feel guilty - you are not giving up on him. Hugs.

[Mrs.flang]

Aug 23, 2016 20:34:12 GMT -5 mskitkat said:

I will be honest, if flameful. I was sort of relieved that my cat passed away before my baby came. I physically could not have kept up with the level of care and love she would have needed and handle a new baby. I thought I could and had full intention of taking her to kitty chemo and everything, but looking back, I couldn't have done it, and the guilt over being unable to take care of her like she needed would have been very heavy.

I had a similar thought recently. With a 3 week old, I already feel suuuper guilty that my surviving pups may not be getting enough attention. Our older pup passed away from a brain tumor in April after our attempts to treat it with radiation. If she had made it, it would be a lot to handle. But I'm also somewhat relieved that she passed on her own and we didn't have to make the decision to put her down because I'm way too selfish... I would want her with me no matter what and can't imagine having to make that kind of decision.

[imojoebunny]

I had Joe Bunny for 13 years. At the time, the oldest documented living rabbit was 14 years. The dude was a fantastic pet, don't let the rabbit fool you. I actually got a job because someone remembered meeting him at a party I had in grad school. He was the perfect bunny. I knew it was time to put him to sleep when his dignity was greatly compromised. He would get stuck places, and not be able to get up. His quality of life was a big zero. Yes, he could still eat, yes, he could still poop, but he was no longer enjoying anything, and he needed a lot of care (cleaning, helping he got unstuck when stuck, being limited in the space he could be because we had a toddler). I took him one afternoon, a couple of months before my second child was born, and had him put to sleep. I don't regret it in the least. He was a great pet, and he had a pretty terrific life. I know the same is true for Toby. Only you can decide the day that is the day, but I think the way we treat pets at the end of life is much kinder than how we treat people. My grandfather was a vet for 60+ years, and on holidays, I would go with him to help put down beloved pets sometimes, since the staff was off. I don't think any of those people or elderly animals were sad that they could allow and be allowed to pass, pain free, and peacefully. I wish my grandfather had been granted the same right, and so did he.

I wish you peace in making your decision. It is not one made easily, but you will know when the decline of life gets too much for both of you.

[ginkgoleaf]

We just put our cat down about a month ago.  He had kidney issues and had lost a bunch of weight.  It came down to his quality of life.  He just wasn't himself - he wasn't enjoying life anymore.  He went downhill quickly and by the time we were saying goodbye at the vet, he was more of a shell of himself than the happy kitty he had always been.  It was so incredibly hard (I'm tearing up just writing about it), but we knew it was the right thing to do.  So much better than just having him suffer.  I'm sorry you're going through this.

[drloretta]

We were in a somewhat similar situation with our cat. He stopped eating and wwe took him in. Surgery revealed cancer. He perked up for a few days and DH wanted to do chemo at home (with a toddler!). Then the cat stopped eating again. I was ready to say goodbye, DH wanted to wait until the cat was miserable before we put him down. I prevailed and I'm glad we didn't wait. We'd already had one cat die at home and it was awful.

At 16, know he's had a great life with you and you're ending his suffering.

Big hugs to you. This decision is tough

[pescalita]

I don't have experience with this yet, but I'm sorry you're going through it. I know he's special to you.

[quesyrah]

I am so sorry you're in this situation.

We just went though this with our 16 year old dog. We agonized for 6 months about when was it time and how would we know.

And one day she had some sort of medical episode and we just knew. I looked at her and I just knew that she knew it was her time to go.

It was by far the most difficult decision I have had to make. Our vet told us that there is a big gray area between when a dog starts to decline and when they are obviously suffering and that no vet will judge your decision during that time.

Basically, when they don't enjoy three or more of their favorite things anymore, that's a good sign that it's time to let go.

I also absolutely think having a baby coming is an important factor here.

Again, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Losing a pet is so difficult. Good luck in your decision

[Balki.Bartokomous]

Aug 23, 2016 20:27:02 GMT -5 y4m said:

His favorite things were snuggling with us and walks and laying in the sun, and even those very sedentary things make him anxious or uncomfortable at this point.

This is what makes me say that it's time. If his favorite things don't get him excited any more and he's pacing & not really with it, I think saying goodbye is humane.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Toby is such a cute little guy.

[dexteroni]

Aw, I'm so sorry Toby is having problems. lurknomore 's response is exactly what I would have written, but I will add that the issues you described sound almost identical to Dexter's old doggy problems. All of it - losing his hearing, dementia, falling on the steps, and incontinence, so I can tell you in a little more detail how and when we came to our decision.

By any chance, does Toby have degenerative myelopathy? Dexter did, and that's what caused his falls and later, incontinence. The brain signals start not making it all the way to the end of the spinal cord. It starts at the back of the dog, i.e. the rear leg weakness that causes falls on the steps, and spreads forward. We also carried him down the steps in the morning and back up to go to bed at night. And we couldn't bring ourselves to let him sleep downstairs because his dementia made him afraid to be alone at night, and he couldn't hear us if we called out to comfort him.

The next phase of his disease was incontinence, which was heartbreaking because we could tell it was upsetting to him - he knew he wasn't supposed to go in the house, and he wasn't trying to, but it kept happening. They can't feel that they have to go because of the nerve damage, so they don't know they have to go until it's coming out. This may also account for why Toby is stepping in it - he doesn't realize he's doing that because he can't feel it. Or maybe he doesn't realize it because of the dementia. Either way, it's still frustrating, even when you know it's not their fault.

After incontinence would have been organ failure, and then his front limbs. Once I learned that, I knew we wouldn't let him get past the incontinence phase. It would have been way too cruel.

As for how it affects your lives - you're absolutely right that that level of care is not sustainable. We didn't go on vacation for probably 2 years, not even a weekend away, because he needed too much care for us to be comfortable leaving him with a dog sitter. I cannot imagine dealing with this with kids period, let alone a newborn. Additionally, the huge life change of bringing home a newborn is stressful to even a young, healthy dog. I fear it would be even more so to a sweet old doggy in declining health.

I know how hard it is to make the call, but it may be the most humane option for sweet Toby. When our vet asked us the three questions lurknomore posted, it was a huge eye opener. I had thought since Dexter wasn't in pain, it didn't matter than he slept like 20 hours a day and basically laid on the sofa for three of the other four. And of his three favorite things - going on walks, chasing squirrels, and jumping to catch a ball - he couldn't do any of them. So we made the appointment a few days out, then spent that time spoiling him rotten, as lurknomore described above. I actually have some really fond memories from those last days, and appreciated being able to schedule it rather than have to do it suddenly when a health emergency arises. I think it made a terribly difficult thing a bit less traumatic.

This got super long, but hopefully it's helpful, since their problems sound so similar. And I'm so sorry you're facing this at all, let alone when you're also pregnant. ((((((hugs))))))

[hbomdiggity]

Aug 23, 2016 21:54:12 GMT -5 Balki.Bartokomous said:

Aug 23, 2016 20:27:02 GMT -5 y4m said:

His favorite things were snuggling with us and walks and laying in the sun, and even those very sedentary things make him anxious or uncomfortable at this point.

This is what makes me say that it's time. If his favorite things don't get him excited any more and he's pacing & not really with it, I think saying goodbye is humane.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Toby is such a cute little guy.

Yep, it sounds like you have your answer.

You're not giving up on him. This isn't because you are lazy or because of the baby. He has had an amazing life but he can't be happy anymore.

[y4m]

Just wanted to say thanks for the support. You guys are awesome.

[magpie]

I'm sorry that you are going through this. It's the toughest decision to make. After we let our dog go, we realized that it was absolutely the right decision and that we could have done it earlier. It was one of the hardest, saddest things I've ever had to do, but I did get some sense of peace in the aftermath.

[leonard131]

Saying goodbye to a pet is the hardest thing.  I am sorry you are going through this. 

We have had to put down two older dogs due to cancer.  It was so hard but we made the decision based on their quality of life.  We knew they were not living the life they were use too and we didn't want them to suffer just because we didn't want to say goodbye. I am tearing up as I think about it. 

It sounds like you have found your answer to this.  You aren't giving up on him.  You gave him an amazing life. 

[kristenbell]

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

As an outsider, reading what you wrote, it seems to me that Toby has lost most of his quality of life. I think it might be time to let him go. We lost out dog (my BFF) before DD was born and we didn't have to go through the slow decline (it was cancer) but when it was time we had someone come to the house to do it and I was so so glad we did it that way.

I'm crying typing this because I know this must be so hard for you and your H. Big hugs to you.

[aspentosh]

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. It's incredibly hard.

FWIW, based on what you wrote, I would say it might be time. It doesn't sound as if he's enjoying life as he once knew it.

We put one of our dogs down in January and it was awful. He had a very aggressive cancer that was making it difficult for him to defecate, but the deciding factor wasn't the cancer at all. I second guessed myself after the fact, but it was the right thing to do for many reasons that I won't detail here.

So many hugs.

[Deleted]

Poor sweet Toby.

I think you're right that he probably doesn't have much quality of life. I can't imagine he enjoys tracking his own waste around.

Hugs, y4m.

[Noblegirl]

I'm so sorry you're in the position of having to make this decision. It's never easy. We just put our dog to sleep last week. He'd been sick for 7 months with bone cancer. In the beginning it didn't seem to affect him much, other than a limp. His pain seemed to be controlled well with the meds.

Over time, the meds seemed to be less helpful. He had difficulty sleeping at night and was restless. He still had good and bad days, but the bad days started to outnumber the good, so we made the decision to have him put down.

The morning of the procedure, he was actually feeling pretty good. We played ball (just catch because he couldn't run) and he was having a good day. We almost changed our minds, but in the end we followed through. After it was over, I felt a sense of peace, because I knew that we had done the right thing. In the end it was comforting that his last day was a good day.

[froggy76]

I think it's time when they no longer have a good quality of life. It sounds like that's the case for your dog. I'm so sorry- it's such a tough decision to make and so hard to lose a pet

[bbaggins]

I have worked with dogs for nine years and know how hard this decision is. I see dogs all the time whose quality of life has deteriorated and parents are blinded by their love of their dog and I totally understand. Like pp have said though, it sounds like it is his time. That doesn't make it any easier but feel confident he still feels your love. Sending big hugs.

[pizzanight]

y4m, I'm so sorry you're going through this. We made the decision to put down our 13 year old greyhound in June and it was terribly, terribly difficult. The situations sound quite similar (slow decline and loss of mobility/ability to enjoy life) and at the end, our dog wasn't able to move from a seated to standing position on her own. We could have held on for a couple more days but at that point we realized that we were avoiding the inevitable rather than maintaining her quality of life (if that distinction makes sense), and that it was time to let her go.

If you make the decision to put Toby down, I would HIGHLY encourage you to have someone come to your home to do it. It was so, so much easier on us and her to not have to travel to the vet's office.

[InBetweenDays]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I haven't read the replies to this may be repetitive, but I don't know that you will ever truly "know" it is time.

We've had to say goodbye to two of our dogs in the past 2 years. It was the hardest decision we've had to make but it boiled down to whether we were keeping them alive for us or for them. One was a situation similar to yours (couldn't stand on his own, repeated accidents, had to be carried up and down stairs, etc.) and one had cancer and lost the use of his back end. At the end neither of our dogs were "themselves" - they couldn't do the things they had always loved to do (they were 13 and big dogs).

Hugs, and just know that there is no right or wrong answer.