i would just tell her. Maybe don't say it has been six years, but tell her it is gone and that you feel terrible about it. And if she tries to beat you up about it every time you talk to her, you have to tell her to simply stop. If she can't do this, maybe don't talk to her for a while.
At some point, we get to be grown ups, you know? And if this is a recurring problem with her, perhaps a comment about how lucky she is to not constantly be reminded of her past mistakes.
maybe that sounds harsh, but at some point I think just really saying how you feel is liberating especially when it is regarding something hurtful being done to you.
Post by sapphireblue on Dec 19, 2016 20:47:44 GMT -5
If it were me, with my mother, with her personality, I would just tell her I lost it. Same with my grandmother (if she were still alive). They were both solidly in the camp of "It's just a material object, don't worry about it."
HOWEVER, I can think of other mothers I know, mothers of certain friends of mine, where I would definitely advise lying. These are women that would never let it go, their daughters would never hear the end of it, they would try to guilt them forever, etc. Why open the door to that? It is unpleasant and they GAVE the ring away (it would be different if the ring were a loan).
In those cases, I would probably just say it was in the safe deposit box for holding on to until my daughter were grown, or something like that.
Have the letters attached to a frame with her picture in it? lol I don't know, something that can make you smile and think of both of them?
I'll think of them more if I turn it into something I will wear:)
It wouldn't be my style either, but it is so sweet that your father did that.
What about getting the letters put into a bracelet? Either onto a bangle or with chain on either side. That way you would see it too, as opposed to a necklace.
Post by sunshineluv on Dec 19, 2016 21:09:11 GMT -5
So you dread the holidays now bc she brings it up. The worst that could happen is you dread the holidays bc she brings up you lost it. To me it is a no brainer to tell the truth.
By any chance, does she have the ring and is waiting for you to be honest
This is the kind of shit my mom would pull.
Ditto, I think her mom saw it just laying around and wants to see how long until Silva tells the truth. Why the hell else would she bring it up in random conversations out of nowhere?SaveSave
Hm. I have kind of similar experience with a "family ring" but as I typed out the story I realized that no one in my family is nosy/ballsy enough to ask about it over and over. I think this is really about Silva's mom being inappropriate, and I would use whatever tactic would most likely shut her down.
It wouldn't be my style either, but it is so sweet that your father did that.
What about getting the letters put into a bracelet? Either onto a bangle or with chain on either side. That way you would see it too, as opposed to a necklace.
I had to keep breaking your hearts, lol, but I won't wear the letters:/ I figure it's better to have it made into something I'll wear and can think of both of them:) I do appreciate the suggestions (heart)
“Life is not orderly. No matter how we try to make it so, right in the middle of it lose a leg, fall in love, drop a jar of applesauce.” - Natalie Goldberg
Is "I don't do lying" the new "I pay all my credit card bills in full every month?"
No, but it's her mom's wedding ring, or at least diamond, that she took time and money to have made into a ring for OP, it's not exactly a chotchkie. People seem to be having a hard time understanding that. I've straight up told my mom 'yeah, I gave away that cat note pad you thought I would love so much from last year'. She now knows I don't want silly 'things'. If I gave someone a sentimental, valuable gift I'd like it know if it had been lost or not, certainly wouldn't want the vague, non-commital beating around the bush.
“Life is not orderly. No matter how we try to make it so, right in the middle of it lose a leg, fall in love, drop a jar of applesauce.” - Natalie Goldberg
I'd lie with zero guilt and tell my mom to quit asking me about it unless she wants the ring back, which would possibly backfire but it would actually shame and guilt my mom into shutting up and never bring up the ring again. I'd maybe add that perhaps someday my daughter would want to wear it but I'm not into jewelry and that hasn't changed since she gave it to me so quit asking about it.
Then maybe I'd say I don't wear it out of spite since she won't quit asking me why I'm not wearing it. Okay probably not that but it would actually be one of the reasons I wouldn't wear it regularly even if I did know where the ring was because my mom's classic move is overwrought emotional BS in an attempt to force feelings/connection/fiction of a close relationship on me. And no matter how many times I tell her or demonstrate that I want nothing to do with this, she doesn't stop this type of crap. So I mostly just ignore and refuse to give her what she wants, which is me to play along and feed into it by pretending our relationship is something it's not or that I'm someone I'm not.
I dread this time of year and now I'm getting desperate!
6 years ago, my mom gave me her ring with her wedding diamond and three birthstones. I have one photo of it.
I lost the ring.
Because she gave it to me as a Xmas gift, my mom always asks about it around this time. Why aren't you wearing the ring? Do you have it? I don't wear a lot of jewelry period, the only thing I wear is my wedding ring.
I can't face this lie again this year.
Guys, I just contacted a jewelry store asking about getting a quote to replicate the ring.
She will be devastated to learn I lost it, especially since I've been lying to her for the last few years.
ugh. I feel like such an asshole.
Holy shit. We are almost twins.
My mom let me wear my Grandma's class ring for my 'something old' - except it fell off my finger the night before my wedding and I never found it. Almost 11 years ago.
She still doesn't know I lost it. She has only brought it up a handful of times and I tell her it's in our safe - but I feel like shit.
So my answer is to keep lying because that's what I do.
No, but it's her mom's wedding ring, or at least diamond, that she took time and money to have made into a ring for OP, it's not exactly a chotchkie. People seem to be having a hard time understanding that. I've straight up told my mom 'yeah, I gave away that cat note pad you thought I would love so much from last year'. She now knows I don't want silly 'things'. If I gave someone a sentimental, valuable gift I'd like it know if it had been lost or not, certainly wouldn't want the vague, non-commital beating around the bush.
I get that.
Some people are coming off like they never lie.
To me, its not really a moral issue. It's a buck-the-fuck-up and tell the truth issue. It doesn't seem like it's going to go away, so just deal with it head on.
Ditto, I think her mom saw it just laying around and wants to see how long until Silva tells the truth. Why the hell else would she bring it up in random conversations out of nowhere?SaveSave
Haaaa! No. last week I spent what felt like 2 hours on FaceTime trying to figure out why her candycrush wasn't working on her iPad. She's an awesome mom, but the long game isn't a strong point especially at her age.
To me, its not really a moral issue. It's a buck-the-fuck-up and tell the truth issue. It doesn't seem like it's going to go away, so just deal with it head on.
Exactly!
And I don't think anyone was implying that they never lie. No one is perfect.
"Why would you ruin perfectly good peanuts by adding candy corn? That's like saying hey, I have these awesome nachos, guess I better add some dryer lint." - Nonny
No, but it's her mom's wedding ring, or at least diamond, that she took time and money to have made into a ring for OP, it's not exactly a chotchkie. People seem to be having a hard time understanding that. I've straight up told my mom 'yeah, I gave away that cat note pad you thought I would love so much from last year'. She now knows I don't want silly 'things'. If I gave someone a sentimental, valuable gift I'd like it know if it had been lost or not, certainly wouldn't want the vague, non-commital beating around the bush.
I get that.
Some people are coming off like they never lie.
Not perfect, by far, by far, but I generally try not to. Lies have pretty much ruled the majority of my life and about a decade ago, I decided no more. That's one of the things, I think if you knew me irl, that you'd know about me (maybe too well lol). I try to keep my opinions to myself, but I'm loathe to lie if asked and I don't sugar coat.
That's why I'm really passionate about people being truthful to themselves, which in turn makes them more truthful to others. It's freed me, considerably.
Especially in my relationship with my own mom, who is also one of those overly-intrusive/emotionally manipulative moms. Who used to tell me to "push my feelings deep down inside, and smile". Who used to feed a teenage me benzos because she doesn't like to deal with "unpleasant" emotions and she couldn't/didn't want to handle mine.
It's not worth it to spend your whole life being the gatekeeper to your mother's emotions, nor is it worth it to feel so much anxiety and guilt over a mistake/accident.
I'd lie with zero guilt and tell my mom to quit asking me about it unless she wants the ring back, which would possibly backfire but it would actually shame and guilt my mom into shutting up and never bring up the ring again. I'd maybe add that perhaps someday my daughter would want to wear it but I'm not into jewelry and that hasn't changed since she gave it to me so quit asking about it.
Then maybe I'd say I don't wear it out of spite since she won't quit asking me why I'm not wearing it. Okay probably not that but it would actually be one of the reasons I wouldn't wear it regularly even if I did know where the ring was because my mom's classic move is overwrought emotional BS in an attempt to force feelings/connection/fiction of a close relationship on me. And no matter how many times I tell her or demonstrate that I want nothing to do with this, she doesn't stop this type of crap. So I mostly just ignore and refuse to give her what she wants, which is me to play along and feed into it by pretending our relationship is something it's not or that I'm someone I'm not.
I think we have the same mom.
I generally don't lie about big things, but at least with my mom, I'd totally make up a story. If you have a reasonable mom who doesn't hold things against you with subtle comments at every turn, then have at it with the truth.
It wouldn't be my style either, but it is so sweet that your father did that.
What about getting the letters put into a bracelet? Either onto a bangle or with chain on either side. That way you would see it too, as opposed to a necklace.
I had to keep breaking your hearts, lol, but I won't wear the letters:/ I figure it's better to have it made into something I'll wear and can think of both of them:) I do appreciate the suggestions (heart)
Sorry, I thought you were trying to keep the letters but in some other form. Then, I would melt it down and use the stones to make a new ring or pendent or something. My mom had rings for my sister and me from her and my dad's wedding bands. I love it.
To me, its not really a moral issue. It's a buck-the-fuck-up and tell the truth issue. It doesn't seem like it's going to go away, so just deal with it head on.
Well, for some moms it won't go away no matter what.
To me, its not really a moral issue. It's a buck-the-fuck-up and tell the truth issue. It doesn't seem like it's going to go away, so just deal with it head on.
Well, for some moms it won't go away no matter what.
But it is THEIR issue.
Her mom might guilt her about losing the ring but this is OP's responsibility to nip this behavior in the bud.
Well, for some moms it won't go away no matter what.
But it is THEIR issue.
Her mom might guilt her about losing the ring but this is OP's responsibility to nip this behavior in the bud.
Ok. Lol. I don't think anyone is arguing that it isn't the mom's issue?
Based on this post, I believe my mother would act very similarly in this situation. And, that ring would come up at least as much as it does now even if I was honest. And speaking about my own mother, I can try to nip her behavior in the bud all day every day, but at the end of the day, she is who she is, and if I'm not willing to cut her off because of this (and I'm not), I deal with it in the way that is going to lessen my own frustration. I'm trying to raise my own three kids; I don't need to add to that by trying to teach my mother, too. God, I wish I had a mother I could be honest with about stuff like this without feeling like I ruined world peace, but I don't.
Well, for some moms it won't go away no matter what.
Then what's the harm in telling her? If she's still going to bring it up at least there's no more creative lying to do.
Because some mom's would turn this into the end of the world for the next 20 yrs and unless you are willing to end the relationship nothing you do is changing that. I Persian,,h wouldn't risk having to end my relationship with my Mom over a lost piece of jewelry when lying allows me to maintain the relationship. Especially if it was my fault the jewelry was lost. Some Mom's will hold this over you forever and at least with the lying it is moderated.
Well, for some moms it won't go away no matter what.
Then what's the harm in telling her? If she's still going to bring it up at least there's no more creative lying to do.
This is me. My mom would be a jerk about it no matter what-but I'd rather just tell her and deal with it than dealing with the stress of lying or her constantly asking about it.
I wouldn't judge you, no matter what you do in this situation, silva. You have decide what's best for you and your mom. We're all just giving our opinions, but ultimately you're the only one who knows best what to do.
I wouldn't judge you, no matter what you do in this situation, silva. You have decide what's best for you and your mom. We're all just giving our opinions, but ultimately you're the only one who knows best what to do.
This.
And if you do decide to keep up with the story, then I encourage you to let go of the guilt you feel for continuing on with it. You are doing the best you can. ((hugs))
"Why would you ruin perfectly good peanuts by adding candy corn? That's like saying hey, I have these awesome nachos, guess I better add some dryer lint." - Nonny
I just don't want to break her heart. There is that too. I feel really shitty about it, how could I be so careless?
Aww, I think I might just tell her exactly what happened. I don't think it was being careless, it's hard to keep stuff safe with little kids around because they get into things you may not even notice. Also, if your mom is anything like mine, grandkids can do no wrong. I don't think it's "blaming" your daughter if she legitimately knocked it into the trash. That's not something she did on purpose. And explaining that shows that it wasn't a matter of you just not caring about it, it legitimately got lost by mistake.
I'd also add "I feel really bad I didn't tell you sooner, but I kept hoping I was wrong and it would turn up. I'm so sorry".
It sounds like you generally have a good relationship with your mom, so I think if you're honest she's not going to assume you had ill intent here. She may be sad, but she'll get over it. Sometimes shit happens. I'm sure this isn't the first time she has lost something that had sentimental value.