Post by jellymankelly on Jan 31, 2017 10:24:10 GMT -5
I was one of those weirdos who loved having an infant, but those first 6 weeks or so were BRUTAL. I was in misery most of the time, with both my boys. I was over the moon to be a mom, and I loved them so much, but the exhaustion and the crying and the constant changing/laundry/bottles/etc nearly broke me. It was hard. It gets so much better.
And I'm sure you don't know what you're doing, because nobody does, and we all just fake it and figure it out as we go! Nobody pushes a baby out and is suddenly flooded with all the knowledge it takes to be a mom. You learn, and you adapt, and he's going to be just fine as you're figuring it all out...better than fine, even. I would be willing to bet that you're doing a fantastic job.
Post by ladystardust on Jan 31, 2017 10:30:25 GMT -5
With DD1 I remember being genuinely pissed at my Mom because she couldn't tell me when it would get better. I knew it would eventually but I really needed to know WHEN. Every day dragged and I was anxious in the evening knowing that she would start screaming soon. For us between 8-12 weeks things began to improve. You will get there!
Post by BeagleMama on Jan 31, 2017 10:41:04 GMT -5
I can say with confidence that it does get better and DD is only 6 months old. By 8 weeks or so she was smiling which was so sweet and then she got on more of a regular/predictable schedule which felt so much more calm and manageable. Fake it 'til you make it!
Edited to add: I also found it made a profound difference for me to get out of the house. Even have a friend take you two for a drive-thru coffee with a few laps around Target or wander TJMaxx. It put in perspective that 1.) the world is still turning (and look at all these people with kids!) 2.) people love to smile at a cute baby and she's mine, that's fun and 3.) I'm still me, just in a recovery phase.
Post by cabbagecabbage on Jan 31, 2017 10:44:46 GMT -5
It gets so much better.
Until it gets better, hand the baby to your H, lay in a hot bath with music blasting in headphones and tell him not to disturb you for an hour unless the house is on fire.
My first baby, I felt I needed to get through baby stuff so I could do things that needed doing. You do not. All you need to do are baby things. Submit to it. Turn on tv. Get a snack and water. Hold the baby. That is ALL you need to do for the first weeks.
Post by spitforspat on Jan 31, 2017 10:45:27 GMT -5
It. Gets. So. Much. Better. I remember my grandma visited when M was 5 weeks old. She said "look at this sweet baby. I'll never understand how someone could leave her baby in a dumpster or at the firehouse." And I thought "oh my god. I do. I can totally see that. Is there a firehouse nearby??"
At about 8 weeks everything got so much easier and continued to get easier everyday.
It's SO tough but It flies by, and all of a sudden it's easier. Our baby slept pretty well, considering, but it was still so tough. We finally decided that there was no sense in both of us being sleep deprived so I moved into the nursery on a twin bed so at least he got some sleep. In exchange, he had diaper duty as soon as he got home so I had a break. Not a complete break, because, breastfeeding. She went through 12 diapers a day well through 6 months. Omg the diapers. It was exhausting and monotonous but then in between she'd be all snuggled in my chest sleeping peacefully and looking so beautiful I could cry... Ok I did cry. Haha. So I tried to really meditate on how amazing this teeny little potato was and trick myself into being excited about a diaper change because it meant she was growing! Sometimes that worked. Lol. Sometimes, my H came home to me and the baby crying our eyes out. BUT it did get better! It was like I noticed it all of a sudden that the day hasn't been such a slog.
It does get better. It will get better. By 3 or 4 months, so much of this will be behind you. I know it fees like an eternity right now, but it will go by and this will all be a memory.
I would encourage you to...
1. Enlist your H to help in the middle of the night. Don't feel bad. This is his child too. Figure out what works for you. 2. If he is a fuss pot during the witching hour, it is OK to sometimes put him down and let him cry or hand him off to your H and take a walk or a shower. Babies are like horses, they sense on your fear. 3. The not driving sucks b/c I felt so much better when I could escape the house. Anyone near you that could pick you and the baby up? Uber? Walk anywhere? Oops. I am in Florida and I forget most places it's cold so never mind the walk anywhere! Even if once a week you could take an uber to a mall and walk around, have lunch, I feel like you would feel better.
Also, my wrap/baby carrier saved my sanity most days. I had a long wrap but a ring sling is easiest or a structured carrier. She was secure and cozy, and I could put away dishes/walk the dog/ put away laundry/make myself a decent meal.
The meal thing was what made or break my day. I am not in a good place mentally when I'm hungry/ blood sugar is low.
So if you are looking for something to try, I highly recommend "baby-wearing" (I know, lame term).
Then it was like I had a sidekick instead of this thing I had to carry everywhere. And she slept in it A LOT. It was very soothing for her.
If that's not your thing, rest assured that it gets better anyway before you know it. And I second the Netflix/audiobooks suggestions. Once I gave up trying to be really productive I felt much better.
With DD1 I remember being genuinely pissed at my Mom because she couldn't tell me when it would get better. I knew it would eventually but I really needed to know WHEN. Every day dragged and I was anxious in the evening knowing that she would start screaming soon. For us between 8-12 weeks things began to improve. You will get there!
YES. I remember sitting at the dinner table with my H, the baby was crying in her bouncy, I was starving, exhausted, still healing, hormonal. And I told him, "I think I regret having her." And he was like, "well, our parents don't regret us, right? So it has to get better."
To me, the newborn stage is a means to an end, and one of my friends calls it "parenthood bootcamp." If you can survive this, then you will be solden in a few weeks.
But, in all honesty, that phase totally sucks. Big hugs!
Some days it is just one hour or half-hour at a time. Figure out a way to get some sleep, take a short break, get help with chores, order food it; reach out for whatever help you think you need. It really is just about survival some days, and it will be temporary. And yes, you are a rock star.
Post by clairedunphy on Jan 31, 2017 12:09:57 GMT -5
My life just felt so turned upside down, it is crazy overwhelming to suddenly be 100% responsible for another being who won't shut up, always needs something, and can't say thank you. I'll admit I thought "What have I done??" more than once. So as awful as those first few weeks were, my kids are such a joy now. Well, mostly.
I also know that I need to ask for help. Several people have offered it, I just need to ask when I'm feeling overwhelmed. Maybe tomorrow I'll try taking him out for a short walk just for a change of scenery and some fresh air.
Fresh air was huge for me. I would pop DS in the k'tan every single morning while I was on maternity leave and just walk and walk and walk. I had a c-section, so the walking helped with recovery, but it was more about keeping DS calm. He was not an easy baby and was rarely happy except when outside. Getting outside, moving, feeling him be calm against me - those things were huge for my mental health.
It really, truly does get better, I promise. So many hugs to you friend, you've been through so much. Seriously, have no shame about getting help. You're in the thick of the worst part, and I promise you there will be a day where it will seem like the clouds part and you feel warm goodness again. And it's coming soon, I swear it's right around the corner.
Just adding to the chorus of YES, it gets better. I was shell shocked for a few weeks after ds1. We had been married for 7 years when he was born and were so used to being able to do things when we pleased.
I remember crying in those early days that I would never be able to leave the house without it feeling like a tactical military operation again between trying to time a feeding just right, packing everything I owned into a diaper bag, etc. There were days I was angry that everyone else's world just kept on turning while mine had been turned upside down.
We settled into a routine. We found some tricks that worked to soothe him. He started sleeping more. It not only gets better, it gets SO much better. Hang in there - you're doing great.
H took the baby to the livingroom let me sleep undisturbed from 6-9am, so that helped quite a bit.
I have a ring sling and a Lillebaby, but I havent used them yet because he really isn't awake for long stretches (and I'm intimidated to try them out to be honest.) Its like, wake up, change diaper, feed, fuss, change diaper again sometimes, fuss, pass out.
Occasionally he'll be awake for an hour or two fussing. I just have no idea if I'm supposed to try to keep him awake longer or not and half the time I'm too scared to try anything new because I just want him to fall asleep.
H took the baby to the livingroom let me sleep undisturbed from 6-9am, so that helped quite a bit.
I have a ring sling and a Lillebaby, but I havent used them yet because he really isn't awake for long stretches (and I'm intimidated to try them out to be honest.) Its like, wake up, change diaper, feed, fuss, change diaper again sometimes, fuss, pass out.
Occasionally he'll be awake for an hour or two fussing. I just have no idea if I'm supposed to try to keep him awake longer or not and half the time I'm too scared to try anything new because I just want him to fall asleep.
I watched a few YouTube videos on using the wraps/slings and it's just a matter of practice. FYI what they call "rails" of the sling are just the top and bottom edges. Took me a while to understand WTH they were saying. High and tight is more comfortable than too loose.
Once she was snug in there, she only fussed if she was hungry or super wet. I think she slept through a couple would-have-been diaper changes. Give them a try! Suddenly having your arms back while still getting to "snuggle" is awesome! There might still be some fussing, but I found she had more "periods of quiet wakefulness" (I do not remember what book I got that phrase from but it cracks me up) than fussing when she was wrapped vs not. You can always wear him while sitting just to try it out without worrying about gravity!
You're not breastfeeding, right? One of the things that H and I started doing after I went back to work and was pumping was getting into a shift schedule. We would put DS to bed and I would go to sleep shortly after, even if it was really early. I got to sleep uninterrupted until about 1-2am. At that point, DH was off duty and got to sleep uninterrupted until morning. Doing that ensured that we both got at least 6 hours of sleep. We might wake up to the baby crying, but the person who was off duty didn't have to get up or do anything. It made a world of difference in how we both felt, our mental health, and general happiness. Give that try if you're not already. It was so much better when DH could give DS a bottle of breastmilk. If you're formula feeding, you can do it that much sooner.
And the timing of it worked well because DH is a night owl anyway and was used to staying up until 1am and then getting up for work. It wasn't much more stress on him while he was working and I wasn't, so I didn't feel bad sleeping through everything.
H took the baby to the livingroom let me sleep undisturbed from 6-9am, so that helped quite a bit.
I have a ring sling and a Lillebaby, but I havent used them yet because he really isn't awake for long stretches (and I'm intimidated to try them out to be honest.) Its like, wake up, change diaper, feed, fuss, change diaper again sometimes, fuss, pass out.
Occasionally he'll be awake for an hour or two fussing. I just have no idea if I'm supposed to try to keep him awake longer or not and half the time I'm too scared to try anything new because I just want him to fall asleep.
See if you have a local babywearing international chapter. They are amazing and will help you figure out carriers, wraps, whatever. Wearing DS was awesome and he almost always fell asleep on me. I sometimes would wear him solely to get him to fall asleep.
And don't worry about a routine at this point. I don't think we really got into any sort of groove or routine until 6-7 weeks. You guys will figure it out. It all feels so foreign in the moment and then things suddenly click into place. You'll get there. Let him lead the way for now and just focus on getting through each day.
You're not breastfeeding, right? One of the things that H and I started doing after I went back to work and was pumping was getting into a shift schedule. We would put DS to bed and I would go to sleep shortly after, even if it was really early. I got to sleep uninterrupted until about 1-2am. At that point, DH was off duty and got to sleep uninterrupted until morning. Doing that ensured that we both got at least 6 hours of sleep. We might wake up to the baby crying, but the person who was off duty didn't have to get up or do anything. It made a world of difference in how we both felt, our mental health, and general happiness. Give that try if you're not already. It was so much better when DH could give DS a bottle of breastmilk. If you're formula feeding, you can do it that much sooner.
And the timing of it worked well because DH is a night owl anyway and was used to staying up until 1am and then getting up for work. It wasn't much more stress on him while he was working and I wasn't, so I didn't feel bad sleeping through everything.
Yeah we're EFF because of thr meds I'm on. H and I talked about taking shifts and kind of ended up doing that last night, the only problem is H has been struggling with insomnia recently and just finding it hard to adjust his sleep schedule, so he ends up being awake during my "shift" and not sleeping anyway. His work schedule makes it difficult too since he leaves at 9am and doesnt get home until 8pm or later. Hopefully we can figure something out soon.
If nothing else this thread has helped me realize that thankfully W doesn't have reflux and half the time sleeps decently, H and I can share feeding duties, I have a lot if help being offered, etc. It could be much worse.
Post by sparkythelawyer on Jan 31, 2017 13:07:19 GMT -5
Few things in this world thoroughly and completely SUCK like those first few weeks with a newborn. I used to count how many days old she was and subtract from 30 in the hopes that after the first month it would start to improve.
At around 6 weeks, right around the time you are about to have a psychotic break, they will start to smile. That will help your sanity a lot.
At around 12 weeks, my little one would finally sleep in a crib instead of ONLY ON MOMMY'S CHEST ON A RECLINING COUCH (Screw you, AAP sleep recommendations!). Also at around 12 weeks, they start to engage, and giggle, and follow you and smile, and yet they're still all squishy and new.
You are really close to the corner turning, hang in there.
H took the baby to the livingroom let me sleep undisturbed from 6-9am, so that helped quite a bit.
I have a ring sling and a Lillebaby, but I havent used them yet because he really isn't awake for long stretches (and I'm intimidated to try them out to be honest.) Its like, wake up, change diaper, feed, fuss, change diaper again sometimes, fuss, pass out.
Occasionally he'll be awake for an hour or two fussing. I just have no idea if I'm supposed to try to keep him awake longer or not and half the time I'm too scared to try anything new because I just want him to fall asleep.
Don't worry about routines right now. Over the next few weeks, he'll start to figure out day and night, and his routines will slowly start to fall into place. You're in the trenches now, this is the crappy part. It will turn around.
Eh, we had a perfectly healthy baby (and me) and lots of help and decent-ish sleep and it was STILL a huge huge struggle mentally/emotionally/physically for a while. Feed, burp, change, set down, pick up, rinse, repeat.... all while this angry ungrateful raisin is screaming at you... it's draining and I took the scream-crying SO personally.
So it can always be worse, but you can still complain!
Even today (7.5 months old). Was sleepy, so I fed her, rocked her, laid her down. Cue crying for 15 minutes. I popped her in the carrier and she passed out in 5 minutes. So now I'm doing dishes (okay and playing in the internet) with my little koala. Whatever works!!
My girl doesn't sleep for shit and is almost 6 months. It's better but I thinks some kids are just crap sleepers. I say this in solidarity and want you to know you're not alone!! It's amazing how you can be tired and think you've found the bottom of the tired ladder and then there's more tired to go. I know how exhausting it is. One thing that works AMAZINGLY well for us is gripe water (consult your pediatrician, blah blah) but it was like magic for her. You can find it on amazon.
You're not breastfeeding, right? One of the things that H and I started doing after I went back to work and was pumping was getting into a shift schedule. We would put DS to bed and I would go to sleep shortly after, even if it was really early. I got to sleep uninterrupted until about 1-2am. At that point, DH was off duty and got to sleep uninterrupted until morning. Doing that ensured that we both got at least 6 hours of sleep. We might wake up to the baby crying, but the person who was off duty didn't have to get up or do anything. It made a world of difference in how we both felt, our mental health, and general happiness. Give that try if you're not already. It was so much better when DH could give DS a bottle of breastmilk. If you're formula feeding, you can do it that much sooner.
And the timing of it worked well because DH is a night owl anyway and was used to staying up until 1am and then getting up for work. It wasn't much more stress on him while he was working and I wasn't, so I didn't feel bad sleeping through everything.
This. If your H is having hard time adjusting his schedule give him the first "shift". DD is 8 weeks tomorrow & this has helped enormously. I put a twin bed & a mini fridge in her room & H takes her in there from 8-1 ( he watches shows of his tablet or reads until he falls asleep) does a "dream feed" of sorts at 12 -12:30& the gets me up. I go in her room at 1 ( I've been sleeping in our room since 8 or 9) & then I sleep in her room from 1-6:30 ( she usually wakes to eat sometime between 4:30-5)
Post by cherry1111 on Jan 31, 2017 13:31:36 GMT -5
You've been gotten a ton of responses by now but just let me echo that it gets so much better. So so so much better. My DD is 12 weeks now and the first 8 weeks I just had to keep telling myself that this is temporary. I got through it with my son, I'll get through it with this one. Sometimes just the monotony of the eat, change, get them to sleep, repeat 8 times a day is mind numbing and exhausting. Definitely try to get out of the house if you can. Have a friend pick you up in the evening and leave the baby at home and wander around Target for an hour. Just doing that made me feel like a real person again.
No one tells you how bad the beginning sucks, I felt so isolated, I would dread the evenings because I knew I was facing hours of getting her to stop crying followed by another sleepless night and I just felt so alone.
YES! I felt like EVERYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD was out doing whatever they wanted while I was at home with a crying baby. Also, I remember that I'd be so happy to see my neighbor's bathroom light on that I can see from my bedroom in the middle of the night, because then at least there was one other person awake. Weird, but it helped me.
I know it's easier said than done, but ask for help and sleep whenever you can.
I think the only way I got through those weeks was by binge watching something mindless. It sucks so bad but it does get better. And if you feel like you need support, do not hesitate to call a counselor or your OBGYN. You have been through so much. Be kind to yourself.