I'm just so hormonal and the past couple of days have been rough.
He sleeps in 2 hour segments with occasional 3-5 hour stretches but he fights it so hard sometimes. And the past 2 days 5pm hits and he's practically inconsolable for an hour or two then finally passes out for a little while.
H is having trouble adjusting his sleep schedule so he's awake way too late and i feel guilty that he's not sleeping well but then I'm alone with the baby all day and I feel like all I do is change diapers, make bottles, try to get him to stop crying and sleep...
And now I can't drive for 3 months and I feel so helpless and like I have no idea what I'm doing.
Post by notsopicky on Jan 30, 2017 22:12:26 GMT -5
I didn't want to read and not post...so, while these words will seem hollow--IT DOES GET BETTER. Do you have friends and/or family nearby to help/run errands/keep you company?
And if you're not able to see yourself through the hour or the day, ask for help. Either "please come and do a load of laundry" help or "doc, I want some drugs" help. Whatever is most situationally appropriate.
Post by JayhawkGirl on Jan 30, 2017 22:14:30 GMT -5
It gets better.
You are doing better at this than you can recognize right now. You will look back and say "i am a fucking rock star."
Sleep deprivation is ROUGH. Dh and I looked at each other and felt like we went into parenthood pretty eyes wide open and we still felt rocked. Hard. I also may or may not have lost my shit over trash cans not being emptied. It may or may not have been about 3:30 in the morning.
It gets better. But it's so okay to say this is hard and exhausting and hard.
The beginning is so hard. I felt like I was in groundhog day. If you have any family now is the time to all on them. Either way I promise it gets so much better.
We do have some help. People have been bringing us food and several people have offered rides or to come help me while H is at work, and he gets to work from home 2 days a week so I'm really pretty lucky in that respect. It just still feels so overwhelming sometimes. He's 4 weeks old but I basically missed the first 2 weeks because I was in and out of the hospital, so it just feels like a roller coaster some days.
Post by shananagins on Jan 30, 2017 22:20:53 GMT -5
It does get better. Promise. Ask for help. Let people help you. When the girls were tiny an awesome retired neighbor came over and sat with the babies for three hours and sent me to sleep in her empty quiet house. It was heaven. D Does he sleep in the car? When mine were really cranky I would put them in the car and drive up and down the highway and listen to audiobooks. They would sometimes sleep in the car when they wouldn't sleep at home.
3 bits of been-there thoughts. 1) No one knows what they're doing. 2) Yes, it gets better. When depends a lot on the kid and your ability to sleep/adapt/get help. Big shiny flashing lights on the get help part. And you have to ask for it. Whether that's just from your friends/family so you get a break or whether it's medical/medicinal. Ask for help. I wish I had asked for more/different help back then, but I convinced myself this was motherhood and I had to figure it out. Ask. For. Help.
And #3 is actually practical advice that may or may not work depending on the root cause, BUT... try putting the baby down at 4:30 if the craziness starts at 5. Do feed/bottle/change at 4 and then try a lil lights out. It was a GAME CHANGER with ds. I know some kids just have a witching hour so I won't oversell as an every-situation fix, but it can't hurt to try. With DS he was just trying desperately to tell me "LADY I DON'T WANT TO BE AWAKE ANYMORE," but once he was already at that point, sleep was NOT happening. I hope that might work for you too!
Good luck. Take care of yourself. You got this. Did I mention ask for help?
I had the same experience with my first. I felt a strong light at the end of the tunnel around 6 months, and then it slowly got so much better. Not to say it was horrible until 6 months, but it was all just a big blur for awhile. Hang in there. Just stay in survival mode. You can do it!
Honestly, things have gotten a lot better for me even just in the past few weeks (B will be 8 weeks on Thursday). He is finally spacing out his feeding schedule a bit more, and I started being able to get us on a more predictable routine, which has benefited both of us greatly. He is getting more rest during the day and I have a better idea of when and for how long I can have some time to myself. The Eat Activity Sleep routine has been a lifesaver for us.
Do you live within walking distance to anything? Getting out of the house regularly made me feel sane, especially in the very early days.
Also, all babies are obviously so different but when B is very fussy and I know he's not hungry, it's because he is tired. Putting him in the carrier (I use a Ktan) is instant lights out for him. Bouncing in his bouncer usually works too.
It gets SO much better. The days go by so slowly in the beginning. I remember counting the number of feedings until my H would be home from work. Like miso, things turned a corner when DS1 started to smile. I needed that reassurance that I was doing SOMETHING right.
It sounds cliche, but I probably whispered "this too shall pass" a hundred thousand times to myself. I remember walking the halls, bouncing my baby, and just saying it over and over while we both cried. There's just no way to prepare yourself for how difficult those first weeks can be for new moms. And when you add all that you've been through, feeling totally overwhelmed and lost is completely normal. I'm glad you're getting some help...ask for more! An hour of a friend's help/company takes very little from your friend, yet gives you SO much.
When DS1 was tiny, I would also try to frame time relative to something else...like 2 weeks away felt like an ETERNITY, but I tried to think of how quickly those weeks passed when I was working. It was playing mind games with myself, but sometimes it helped!
Witching hours are really common at this hour. Conveniently, they usually hit right about when you feel spent for the day. DS1 loved when I would hop in the bathtub and take him in with me. I'd hold him out in the water and just allow him to kind of float around. It was really calming for both of us.
Sending you big hugs. It gets so much better...otherwise we'd ALL be one and done!
No one tells you how bad the beginning sucks, I felt so isolated, I would dread the evenings because I knew I was facing hours of getting her to stop crying followed by another sleepless night and I just felt so alone. Your post reminded me too, how much of my early parenting was focused on sleep, getting her to sleep, keeping her asleep, figuring out where she was going to sleep, panicking once she was asleep that she was going to wake up and not enjoying any me time when she was, repeat, all damn day. Cosleeping was a lifesaver for me, for both kids, but I get that it doesn't work for everyone.
I absolutely promise that you will find your rhythm and I absolutely promise it gets better. You're doing amazing.
I can still remember a few very distinct episodes where I wanted to murder H. In one, he got up for the morning to go to work. The baby wouldn't sleep anywhere but on me and I was too paranoid to sleep with him, so H came out of the bedroom to find me holding a sleeping baby and sobbing. I had been awake for at least 5 hours.
It's so goddamn hard. And I want to tell you it will get better soon, but, honestly, it takes a little while. It started really getting better around 3 months. By about 5 months, I could see light and we were in a good groove. By 6 months, I was actually enjoying DS and feeling decent.
It's ok to cry. It's ok to yell. If you need to put the baby in the crib and go outside, do it. He'll be fine. If you need help, ask! Your H is there for both of you and he wants to help. Hang in there and please feel free to vent here!
eta: And if you're not an infant person, that's totally cool. I'm not either. DS got kind of fun when he could smile, laugh, and be semi-interactive. At a year, he was getting so fun, and by 18 months, I was like, "damn, this kid is so cool!" He gets better and better every single day, despite the challenges of him being a toddler. I am honestly not that excited for the first 6 months or so with this second one. I'm not a baby person.
Post by RexManningDay on Jan 30, 2017 22:40:53 GMT -5
It gets better. The whole "newborn" thing feels much easier this time around, but I yelled at my dog earlier. He was pacing around knocking into shit and woke her up three times, then peed on the floor. Annoying, normally, but I was fuuuuuming. Seriously could have kicked him out the front door and not cared. Then I just went to make microwave oatmeal and put in too much water and cried about it. The hormones and sleep deprivation are really rough.
Post by clairedunphy on Jan 30, 2017 22:40:58 GMT -5
It absolutely gets better. With my first, I was an absolute mess for the first 6 weeks, then it slowly got better. I even had help, but my emotions were a disaster and i was so overwhelmed. But the fog lifted. I went on to have 2 more, on purpose.
Post by lissaholly on Jan 30, 2017 22:44:37 GMT -5
It does get better. People voluntarily have more babies, so it does get better. Otherwise we would all be one and done. This is survival mode and a sharp learning curve. No one aces this part. Even those who you might think did, will tell you how they absolutely did not. Let some balls drop and dont worry if you lose yourself a bit. Survive this part and then make it a priority to find yourself again once you are on solid ground. It's okay to get lost a little- or a lot. It's not permanent.
And there is no magic age where thing close click. I heard six weeks and you will "know" your baby and what they need so I beat myself up when I didn't. I heard 3 months to sleep better and I beat myself up when my child didn't. It will happen. It's not the best of times, but it sure will pass;)
I also joined a new moms group/class and it is so awesome to meet with them every week. All of our babies are around the same age so everyone is going through versions of the same thing. It really helps as a reminder that I'm not alone. Also, we drink at lunch which brightens up the day. 🍷 Might not be feasible if you can't drive but it might be worth looking into; maybe a family member could drive you or you could Uber.
Thank you everyone, it really does help to read all of this.
H has been amazing through all of this. He had never really been around babies before then had to take care of our son with some help while I was back in the hospital. He let me sleep through wakeup while I was still recovering from the seizure, so i feel like now that he's at work I need to try to let him get more sleep.
I also know that I need to ask for help. Several people have offered it, I just need to ask when I'm feeling overwhelmed. Maybe tomorrow I'll try taking him out for a short walk just for a change of scenery and some fresh air.
Also, I got outside, even in the cold, nearly every day. Made such a difference, I could tell the days I didn't. Plus, if they screamed it wasn't as loud. Ha.
ALSO, no one has any clue what they're doing. Really. And sometimes you hate your new life even though you wouldn't undo your actual baby.
Post by julianabixby on Jan 30, 2017 22:59:51 GMT -5
It gets better! DD also went through the evening crying phase and it was so difficult, especially because it always seemed to kick in right as DH was walking in the door. I hated that he always got to see her during her fussiest time of the day.
One thing you mentioned - needing to ask for help. I know that was so hard for me to do because I wanted to feel like I could do it all and handle things on my own or I just figured DH should just know what needs to be done to help out. Do not hesitate to ask for help from anyone! Friends and family will always want to help - even in just the smallest ways - and I think being direct with your H and telling him where you need help is important too. I struggled with that big time, especially after I went back to work and just completely burnt myself out and it caused a few come to Jesus talks with my H.
Hang in there! It gets better! Oh! And come here for support and advice any time - I would not have made it through without the advice of the ladies on these boards.
Also, I got outside, even in the cold, nearly every day. Made such a difference, I could tell the days I didn't. Plus, if they screamed it wasn't as loud. Ha.
ALSO, no one has any clue what they're doing. Really. And sometimes you hate your new life even though you wouldn't undo your actual baby.
All normal.
I was going to mention this too. I sat on the patio and drank a beer at 2:15 today and it felt so nice.
3 bits of been-there thoughts. 1) No one knows what they're doing. 2) Yes, it gets better. When depends a lot on the kid and your ability to sleep/adapt/get help. Big shiny flashing lights on the get help part. And you have to ask for it. Whether that's just from your friends/family so you get a break or whether it's medical/medicinal. Ask for help. I wish I had asked for more/different help back then, but I convinced myself this was motherhood and I had to figure it out. Ask. For. Help.
And #3 is actually practical advice that may or may not work depending on the root cause, BUT... try putting the baby down at 4:30 if the craziness starts at 5. Do feed/bottle/change at 4 and then try a lil lights out. It was a GAME CHANGER with ds. I know some kids just have a witching hour so I won't oversell as an every-situation fix, but it can't hurt to try. With DS he was just trying desperately to tell me "LADY I DON'T WANT TO BE AWAKE ANYMORE," but once he was already at that point, sleep was NOT happening. I hope that might work for you too!
Good luck. Take care of yourself. You got this. Did I mention ask for help?
And just to piggy back off this-no one knows what they are doing b/c something different works for every baby. You just have to figure out what works best for you and baby. You're doing great! And yes it gets easier, you are in the thick of it right now.
It totally gets better. Newborns can be really hard!! If you have the option of any help, get it/take it! Most babies do have an evening melt down time. I don't know why that is. Just keep trying everything you read about. Swaddling, walking and bouncing, bouncy chair, vibrating bouncy chair, swing, etc. Frankly, maybe nothing will really work that well except for giving it time, but you'll get through it.
You can't get anything done with a baby so don't even bother stressing about that. Do you have a great show you can watch or some books to read while baby is napping (on you or off you)? I watched the entire Sex in the City series when DD1 was tiny. I have four kids and the infant stage isn't my favorite. I hate to wish it away, b/c they are so tiny and fragile and amazing, but they are HARD. If you get too frustrated, just put the baby down somewhere safe and walk away and take a break. I LOVE ages 1 to 2, though. So much sweetness and so much fun watching them learn and grow.