My mom passed away really suddenly nearly 4 years ago. Of all the holidays, I HATE Mother's Day. Despise it. From the moment May hits, it's all you hear about and it truly hurts. You can't listen to the radio, watch tv, go to stores or hell even be on social media without it being blasted everywhere. Maybe it's always been this way and I never noticed because I was a part of it, now that I'm not it seems like I can't escape it. I've been feeling down all week, but making it through with the best attitude as I can. My H is being a complete ass though, sometimes I wish he'd just stop and remind himself that I'm going through a rough time.
Since my mom passed, my dad, sisters, my H and I usually go to take my mom flowers then out to eat afterwards (the same place we took her on our last Mother's Day with her). This year my older sister is a mom, so understandably she's doing her own thing, my little sister will be out of town for a wedding and my H decided to go visit his mom in his hometown about 4 hours away. I don't have any right to be upset, but I wish that my family could still be together that day. I'm just ready for it to be over. At the same time, I want to spend the day alone, but feel like I need to include my dad when in actuality I would be 100% fine with going to the cemetery by myself.
Anyways, I guess I just needed to vent. I hate this. I miss my mom, it truly doesn't get easier. To those of you without your mom this Mother's Day, how do you plan on making it through the day?
Post by sunshineluv on May 11, 2017 8:57:17 GMT -5
((( jmc325))) I am sorry for your loss, and that your DH is being an ass.
I am not a motherless mother, but I did lose my dad 5 years ago. The grief hits me sometimes unexpectedly. When it does, I try to be kind to myself, and do what I need to do (typically this is be alone for a while).
I'm so sorry for your loss, and for how difficult Mother's Day is. My mom passed away ten years ago this month and so the month of May notoriously sucks for me. It was probably 5-6 years before I could even set foot in the Mother's Day card section. The grief never goes away, and while time does heal things somewhat it doesn't ever stop being a hard day. Mother's Day became easier and harder at the same time when I became a mother. I have two rules Mother's Day weekend. I get to do whatever I want on Saturday, and no matter what I will always spend Mother's Day with my grandma (mom's mom). She has lost both of her daughters and both of her husbands in her 87 years, and while I fucking hate Mother's Day even though I am a mom, she deserves all of the celebration on that day. It helps me to focus more on her and less on me. But I still drink too much in May, cry a lot and am really damn angry for most of the month. And those things are okay. Be kind to yourself, give yourself permission to feel those feelings because there is nothing wrong with them.
Post by orangeblossom on May 11, 2017 9:06:29 GMT -5
Hugs. I'm sorry you're hurting and your Dh isn't being supportive. There's no right or wrong way to feel. I'd ask your dad what he wants to do this year, since your sisters have other obligations and go from there.
It's been almost 8 years since my mother passed. I'm generally okay with MD. The constant ads and cards can be grating sometimes, but I just kind of deal and avoid the card store until I have to.
This year, I feel like I'm a little more sentimental, since I just finished nursing school, and she would have been so proud and happy.
jmc325,I'm so sorry for your pain and hope you find a way to get through the day in a way that works for you.
My mom is also alive, and we stopped communicating in 2010. Most of the time I'm content with that choice, but it's hard this time of year. I decided to stop toxic family when C was born; my mom has never met C, though they saw him when we all attended my brother's wedding (that was fun...). My brother and SIL just had their first baby, and SIL admitted that she always hoped that mom and I would find a way to make up. But after mom visited to see the baby for a few days SIL now completely understands where I'm coming from; that helps a little bit that I'm not the crazy, dramatic one. Even though I know she has not changed one iota because my brother (reluctantly) stays in contact with her, there's still that little girl part of me that wishes it was different.
I hate this month. It's so painful for me as I loved celebrating my mom for Mother's Day. I miss her terribly and this month just hurts my heart! She was an amazing mom and best friend to me ❤
Post by lightbulbsun on May 11, 2017 9:13:14 GMT -5
My mom died 4 years ago, and Mother's Day sucks. My narcissistic grandma makes it 10x worse because she insists that we celebrate, and then cries the whole time.
I'm sorry for your loss and that your family isn't getting together.
I just lost my mom on 4/28. I am hating all the Mother's Day stufff. My h is working on Sunday and I'm sort of glad. I don't want to do anything. I want to ignore the day completely.
I lost my mother suddenly 2 years ago so this will be my third mother's day without her. I usually spend the day talking a lot about her to my kids and they like to write her little notes. We tie the notes to balloons and watch the balloons float away.
My mother died when I was a toddler so very different than growing up with her and having to lose her. But it's hard none the less.
I had a very open conversation with my H when I became a mother. I hated the holiday growing up and wanted that to change. Since becoming a mother I have taken control of the day and only do what makes me happy.
It is still very hard but taking ownership of the day has made it a lot easier.
I'm sorry that we are all in this place together. My mom also died suddenly; it's been two and a half years. We had a tense relationship for a long time that was starting the improve when she passed. The birth of my daughter had everything to do with it and that has made it really hard for me. I just had my second and it hits me that they will never get to meet.
I don't do anything special for MD, but I really would like to do the balloon idea sometime.
I lost my mom 7 years ago. Mother's Day is still hard, but for me it isn't the hardest day. I plan on working so that my coworkers with children can spend time with them. It helps me to stay busy so that the day goes by more quickly.
I also like to do things that would have made my mom happy on Mother's Day and her birthday, like donate books to a local reading charity or pay the adoption fee for a shelter dog.
Would your dad be upset if you told him that you want to be alone?
ETA: I'm sorry your H is being a jerk. I think it is hard for people who haven't ever lost a close family member to really understand how that grief stays with you.
Post by litskispeciality on May 11, 2017 10:13:33 GMT -5
I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my mom 4.5 years ago and Mother's Day has never gotten easier. I'm glad you started this thread. My husband is trying to be supportive to me, but a jerk to his own mother. I can't get him to buy a card or a gift. I know it's rude, but she's your mom, take the time and do something. I love his mom, but it hurts me to spend 20 minutes looking for a card when I can't buy one for my own mom. I just don't think he understands and he thinks as a grown man he doesn't need to do something special anymore. As other posts have said, until you lose a close family member (parent) you just don't understand it.
I always go see my dad this weekend, but I agree men just don't get it. I'm trying to get better about letting out my feelings out as they come, holding it in only leads to stress pain, but it's hard.
Allow yourself to be sad, but remember the good times with your mom. Do something she would have done. Sending you (((HUGS)))
Post by fivechickens on May 11, 2017 10:14:32 GMT -5
I lost my mom about 8 years ago. I miss her more on random occasions when I think about my girls never knowing her. Mother's Day doesn't add to that but I understand why it would. I am sorry you are hurting.
I lost my mom 7 years ago. Mother's Day is still hard, but for me it isn't the hardest day. I plan on working so that my coworkers with children can spend time with them. It helps me to stay busy so that the day goes by more quickly.
I also like to do things that would have made my mom happy on Mother's Day and her birthday, like donate books to a local reading charity or pay the adoption fee for a shelter dog.
Would your dad be upset if you told him that you want to be alone?
ETA: I'm sorry your H is being a jerk. I think it is hard for people who haven't ever lost a close family member to really understand how that grief stays with you.
That's really nice of you. I feel bad for mom's who have to work on that day. It never gets made up on another day.
I also want to try the balloon thing sometime. My friend does that every year on her mom's birthday and mother's day. Seems theraputic.
I'm sorry for your loss. I'm another motherless by choice person and this is going to be my first holiday without her in my life and it's hard. Everything leading up to this weekend is making me alternatingly mad and sad.
While my mother is still alive, we do not have a good relationship. Mother's day makes me really resentful because the whole premise seems to be "your the best mom ever!"
I'm hoping it's better next year when I have a kid of my own to distract. Or maybe it'll be worse...
Post by sunnysally on May 11, 2017 10:26:02 GMT -5
My mom passed away about a year and a half ago, but prior to that we hadn't had a close relationship because she was toxic. Mother's day brings up many complicated feelings. I wish people didn’t constantly bring it up to me. Grief is complex and every person deals with it in their own way. I know other people get upset if nothing is mentioned to them.
I am sorry you are feeling down and having a hard time.
My mom died when I was 7, so yes, I feel your pain. Mothers Day was so hard, for so many years. Then I started celebrating it with my dad, and since he basically did all the "mom" duties while raising me, it seemed fitting.
I'm sorry. Mother's Day is hard on me too, for different reasons.
Honestly, it's just overwhelming. I don't speak to my Mom often, but I've got a SM, MIL, SMIL, GMIL and the expectations are always big. It's tough getting through the day when I have complicated feelings about my own Mom.
Being pregnant with a daughter complicates it more!
Thank you to everyone who took the time to comment and share your own experiences. It sounds cliche, but just knowing that I'm not alone in dealing with this day does help. I don't have many people in my life who I can talk to about this. Thinking of you both stephkingjennistarr1 as your losses are both so incredibly fresh.
PDQ
Someone up thread mentioned that it's more so the day to day life that's hard versus holidays and I can definitely agree with that. My mom was killed in a train derailment and I still have so much anger over her death. It came out of no where, was completely preventable and she suffered brutal injuries that ultimately lead to her death... all that has stayed with me and it's a heavy weight to carry. I think I hate this day in particular because of those feelings of anger.
I don't have family where I live outside of my dad and sisters, so no aunts/grandmothers to spend the day with and celebrate. It truly was all about my mom. Maybe once I have children of my own I'll feel differently, but man what I wouldn't give to have my mom here.
My mom died 4/27/98 and I STILL hate Mother's day. This year, we are celebrating it with DH's mom and while it's not the same thing as my mom, I'm not dreading it near as bad as normal.
I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my mom 4.5 years ago and Mother's Day has never gotten easier. I'm glad you started this thread. My husband is trying to be supportive to me, but a jerk to his own mother. I can't get him to buy a card or a gift. I know it's rude, but she's your mom, take the time and do something. I love his mom, but it hurts me to spend 20 minutes looking for a card when I can't buy one for my own mom. I just don't think he understands and he thinks as a grown man he doesn't need to do something special anymore. As other posts have said, until you lose a close family member (parent) you just don't understand it.
I always go see my dad this weekend, but I agree men just don't get it. I'm trying to get better about letting out my feelings out as they come, holding it in only leads to stress pain, but it's hard.
Allow yourself to be sad, but remember the good times with your mom. Do something she would have done. Sending you (((HUGS)))
I get along with my MIL, but I can admit that I do hold some resentment towards her because she's here and my mom isn't. My H is sooooo bad about doing something for his mom for MD. Every year I would constantly have to remind him to order flowers, send a card, etc. It may be childish, but I refuse to do it for him if I can't do it for my own mom. I guess that's the good thing about him seeing her in person this year, I don't have to worry about it.
Men definitely do not get it at all... My sweet dad, he tries and I know he misses my mom beyond words. He's trying so hard to move past his grief (for lack of better words). He was also involved in the accident that took my mother's life, so I think for him it's also about letting go of that survivors guilt. I can't process the loss the same way though, she's my mother and I will always miss her. Nothing can replace a mother's love and I really miss her love and nurturing.
My mom, sisters and I loved getting our nails done together... maybe i'll treat myself to a pedicure in her name this weekend.
I am so so sorry for your loss and for how difficult this holiday is for you. I hope your h comes around and that you get some much needed support.
My mother is alive and well, I know this because I have seen her Facebook photos. She is only 55, had me when she was a teenager and signed me over to my dad when I was 1 after taking me halfway across he country with a boyfriend and returning me to my dad and paternal grandma in a state of malnourishment. She was and is an addict, per her Facebook, she's been sober since 2015. She's married a biker who is also apparently sober.
Growing up, she only contacted me twice and I'm now 36. She called me to say she would come see me for my fifth birthday and I waited all day, and she flaked. She also sent me some sort of twelve step letter before I turned 21 which made me rage and I never followed up.
Mother's Day is not an easy holiday, I'm sad and mad and actually the holiday doesn't bother me so much as all my memories where I should have had a mom there (graduations, passing the bar, my first baby etc) but instead there's a void.
Post by litskispeciality on May 11, 2017 12:28:29 GMT -5
I'll second therapy/counseling. I saw two counselors at two different times to talk through my grief. I lost my mom to addiction so it really spiraled into that. It's *easier* now, but I didn't realize how many issues I had until she passed and I started counseling. Al-Anon was ok too, just throwing that out for those with addiction in the family.
To echo the other posts, it comes in waves and you get a lot of hard feelings when you feel like you should have a better relationship with your mom than you did. Again talking to someone might help, at least to get it out.