I am worried that this post is going to make me sound crazy or make you dislike my H, but here goes:
My mom's sisters and their kids and grandkids (kids are older than me, grandkids are younger) are planning a trip to NYC at the end of December (between Christmas and New Year's). My mom and sister are thinking about going, but they only want to go if I go. IDK why. This is a lot of pressure on me. I would like to go, but I'm not sure of my plans 3.5 months out. My mom says she needs to know *today* (she initially told me about this trip a week ago) because my aunt wants to book the trip.
I asked H what he thought about it, because we usually go to his family's beach house with his parents between Christmas and New Year's. We're already spending Christmas Day locally with his family, so I figure me missing this trip wouldn't be a big deal. He said he didn't mind if I went on the trip, but a few hours later he was backtracking and saying "you should wait to book your trip."
His reasoning: our college friends, a group of ~10 people who we consider some of our *best* friends (several of them were in our wedding) are thinking about getting together at the same time. This is H's last year of his research fellowship where he is actually able to take time off, and he's being super melodramatic about "this is my last year with much vacation time, and I want to see my friends!" To be fair, our friends are scattered along the east coast, and it's hard to get everyone together. And H likely won't have holidays off when he's a clinical fellow. He's more likely to have off some random week in September when I can't go anywhere. But some of our friends are a little flaky when it comes to planning trips and like to wait until the last minute. I will be off work anyway, so last-minute planning wouldn't be an issue if not for the pending NYC trip.
H is putting me in a tough position by basically saying "don't book this trip to NYC yet because we *might* be traveling with our friends that week." Given that my mom is being weird about not going to NYC without me, I can't just hold off until a few weeks in advance to make my decision. I told H "you can do whatever you want, but I'm going on this trip with my family that is already being planned rather than the one with our friends that may or may not happen." He didn't like that at all. He said "this is my last chance to spend time over the holidays with our friends, and I want you to be there." I can appreciate that he loves me and wants to spend time with me, but this is really putting me in a tough spot.
So I suggested that *he* e-mail our friends and plan this trip that he wants to go on, rather than waiting on another friend who doesn't feel the same pressure as him to *maybe* plan it. He didn't like this suggestion either. Apparently he is really stressed and annoyed at me for not noticing, or something. (Sorry H, maybe you noticed that in the past three weeks I've defended my dissertation and started a new job?) So now H and I are fighting, and I'm not really sure why. Also, he's been at work for the past 22 hours (don't worry, he's basically on-call from the hospital and can take calls most of the time), so we've only been communicating by phone. Sigh.
So I guess my tentative plan is to tell my mom that I'd like to go to NYC, but I don't know if I'll be available that week, so I'll book my own flights. I'm not sure that really solves anything if she refuses to go without me. Suggestions?
LOL. I guess I forgot to include that. I would like to go to NYC, but I am not absolutely dying to. I know that my aunts and cousins will annoy me, but I can handle three days with them.
I sort of feel guilty about living so far away from my mom and not seeing her that often.
Anyway, I would definitely go to NYC if not for the possible trip with friends.
Post by sarahbear on Sept 16, 2012 16:17:37 GMT -5
I agree with the above. Do you even want to go with your mom? Or are you just guilty of her not going without you? And does your husband's tantrum make you want to go more, even though you'd rather not?
I agree with the above. Do you even want to go with your mom? Or are you just guilty of her not going without you? And does your husband's tantrum make you want to go more, even though you'd rather not?
No, I wouldn't go to NYC to spite my H. I didn't even know that traveling with friends was on the table until he mentioned it the other day. He had talked to one of them a few days earlier about getting together after Christmas, but any plans are very, very up in the air at this point. These are my best friends too, and I would like to spend time with them. But unlike H, I don't feel like "OMG I'll never take another vacation after this year!"
Honestly? I would be blunt with my mom and tell her I can't make the decision yet. Neither side should be forcing you into a decision. Is it bc flights are cheaper right now?
IDK. My aunt is planning the trip, and she wants to book now. From what I can tell, old people don't like spontaneity?
So I guess my tentative plan is to tell my mom that I'd like to go to NYC, but I don't know if I'll be available that week, so I'll book my own flights. I'm not sure that really solves anything if she refuses to go without me. Suggestions?
That is what I would do. Generally, when it comes to family plans vs. plans with DH, I try to put DH first whenever I can. I always seem to end up happiest when I do, and I know it's what I would want him to do whenever possible.
It's not your fault or your problem that your mom has the odd idea that she can't go without you. I'm sure you've already told her that she'll have fun whether or not you're there, but I would remind her as many times as it takes for it to sink in.
I forget where you are geographically - is there a way you could go for part of the visit and still see your DH's friends?
Post by dexteroni on Sept 16, 2012 16:24:31 GMT -5
I also don't get why your aunt feels that she has to book for everyone right this second, or really, at all. Your mom and sister can make their own plans.
I would just tell them that you can't commit right now, and let them deal with that. I don't think either you or DH is unreasonable in feeling the ways you do. I think your mom is a bit unreasonable in needing you to commit right now.
Have your mom/aunt/etc. looked into hotels and such yet? It is a fantastic time to be in the city but it is SUPER expensive then.
I think you need to put aside both your moms and your DH's antics and figure out what YOU want to really do. Then - decide based on that.
Your mom and aunt are being ridiculous that they won't go if you don't go - and I'd tell them that.
And your DH is being melodramatic that this is the last vacation he'll ever take. Especially as there really ISN'T a vacation at this point- you don't know if your friends will go or not.
And - what if this trip doesn't happen? Will you be mad you didn't go to NYC?
However, that being said - I also agree - tell everyone to back off nad that you're not deciding right.this.minute. You'll figure it out - but in your own time. If that means your aunt and mom DON'T go and won't make plans later - then they don't go, and if that in turn means that you then won't go.... well, then the decision is almost made for you.
Post by dexteroni on Sept 16, 2012 16:31:24 GMT -5
RBP, if it helps, you can always try the tried--and-true tactic of turning the situation around. Pretend someone posted on here "I want my DH to go on this trip with my friends. It's the last one I'll be able to take for some time, and he thinks I'm being melodramatic, but it's really important to me. But his mom wants him to go on a trip with his family and she's being a butt about only wanting to go if DH goes too, and she HAS to know right this second." What your advice be?
I think you need to put aside both your moms and your DH's antics and figure out what YOU want to really do. Then - decide based on that.
If the choices are NYC with my family vs. anywhere with my H and friends, H and friends win every time.
If the choices are NYC with my family vs. nothing (which is where we are right now), I pick NYC with my family.
v: I think my aunt has been to NYC at that time of year before, and that is why she wants to do all the planning. I'm sure it will be an expensive trip, but they all are pretty well-off. My mom doesn't travel that much either, except to visit family. And we'd be there Dec. 27-30, not over New Year's.
Post by drloretta on Sept 16, 2012 16:33:49 GMT -5
I'd hold off any decisions until a bit closer, and let the chips fall where they may with family. But I'd also give DH/your friends a reasonable deadline so you can make a decision one way or another.
I'd hold off any decisions until a bit closer, and let the chips fall where they may with family. But I'd also give DH/your friends a reasonable deadline so you can make a decision one way or another.
Getting our college friends to commit to anything is like herding cats. It seems like everyone wants to wait until a few specific people commit to a trip, and those people are inevitably the flaky ones who want to plan a late December trip in early December. :-(
v: I think my aunt has been to NYC at that time of year before, and that is why she wants to do all the planning. I'm sure it will be an expensive trip, but they all are pretty well-off. My mom doesn't travel that much either, except to visit family. And we'd be there Dec. 27-30, not over New Year's.
It is a good call to get out of there before New Year's -- unless you have a house party to go to, New Year's Eve here is literally THE worst.
Why can't you go with your mom and your DH with his (your) friends?
I suggested this, but in H's melodrama, he says "I want to go on a trip with our friends, and I want you to be there too." I can appreciate that he's saying this because he loves me and wants to spend his vacation time with me, not because he is trying to be controlling. The whole situation is just irritating, though.
FWIW, we are so not those people who can't ever leave one another's side. We travel frequently without one another. In the past year, I have been on a bachelorette trip and to visit my mom without H, and he has been on a bachelor trip and to a couple of conferences without me.
Why can't you go with your mom and your DH with his (your) friends?
I suggested this, but in H's melodrama, he says "I want to go on a trip with our friends, and I want you to be there too." I can appreciate that he's saying this because he loves me and wants to spend his vacation time with me, not because he is trying to be controlling. The whole situation is just irritating, though.
FWIW, we are so not those people who can't ever leave one another's side. We travel frequently without one another. In the past year, I have been on a bachelorette trip and to visit my mom without H, and he has been on a bachelor trip and to a couple of conferences without me.
Your DH sounds a bit like my DH - he is probably stressed with school/work and finding it hard to make a decision either way. I find that my DH is like that when I'm trying to book holidays if he's had a crap week at the office.
I think you need to explain to your mom that you'd LOVE to do NYC but that you and DH had tentatively considered something else so you need to find that status of that trip before considering something else. You can pretend the other trip was discussed first, possibly?
As for your DH, perhaps ask him if he's had a stressful time lately and he's taking it out on you? And yes, I realize your life has probably been more stressful i honestly think most women just handle stress better than men. Seriously.
It's mid Sept. It's not early to be booking NYC for the holiday season. It's actually a bit late. On that point I don't blame your mom's family for wanting to book *now.*
Having said that it's not like you have to book with them. You can take your chances and wait.
If I were in your shoes I would plan to go with my family but maybe put it off a few weeks. Tell mom you can't commit right now but you'll get info from aunt to look into it further and that you'll take responsibility for booking if you think you can make it. And tell DH you'll give your friends until X date to make concrete plans. If something isn't done by then you're booking with your family.
My friends don't sound half as flaky as yours, and I would never count on them to make something happen over the holidays like that. And if you and your DH aren't willing to be the planners (not that I blame you) I'd take the sure thing over the flaky friends any day.
Post by livinitup on Sept 16, 2012 18:32:14 GMT -5
As someone who gets a lot of pressure from parents WAY in advance of holidays, I'd say your mother is being extremely unfair. It's not just pressure, its manipulation to say "I want to do this, but won't unless YOU do it. And you have to decide today."
Your situation is complicated and you have not decided whether you are available or not to go to NYC for that week. First, you have standing plans at hte Ils house and second you *might* have plans with friends for a very fun last-hurrah. I think it is incredibly thoughtless for your mother/aunt to declare this deadline while both you and your Dh have much better, more pressing things to do. Of course its leading to a fight! He's at work and your heads are spinning with pressure from your mother!
I'd politely decline your mother. "Sorry, mother, if you need me to commit to this plan tonight, I cannot. I simply do not know if we are available. So, consider me out. I hope you still go."
I think you have the right idea about saying "So I guess my tentative plan is to tell my mom that I'd like to go to NYC, but I don't know if I'll be available that week, so I'll book my own flights." But it'still puts YOU on the hook to go - and to get back to her and yadda, yadda. THEY invented this deadline, just decline. She's pressuring you for a yes, she'll give you more time if just say "No".
Well, you keep saying that trying to plan anything w/ your college friends is like herding cats, but you and your DH are contributing to it. You too won't commit until 'someone' else does.
This is probably more why no one will commit- because no one will take the lead and just say "THIS is what we're doing. Whose joining us?". I wouldn't want to commit to something that no one else is commiting to either! But if someone said "here's the plan", Id be more inclined to say "ok. - good, lets move forward"
Post by Roc A Bee on Sept 16, 2012 18:45:31 GMT -5
Is this a normal request from your mom? Doyou think it is because you won't be there for Christmas? Isn't your dad gone as well? This may be way off base, but maybe that is why she really wants you to go?
Post by polarbearfans on Sept 16, 2012 18:56:22 GMT -5
You and you husband need to plan the trip with friends or just go with your mom. I know you say it's Herding cats but just tell people it's the last trip dh will be able to go on for awhile and you are putting together x trip and offer details and dates you all need to book by. Nothing is going to happen if someone doesn't take the lead