Post by starburst604 on Jul 19, 2018 15:42:51 GMT -5
If the condo belonged to Friend B, I could see the conflicted feelings because they could feel like they are choosing one friend "over" another. But where Friend C owns the condo and it can't fit everyone, I don't see any reason to feel bad that Friend A isn't invited along. I have a pretty similar setup where I'd be Friend B and I can see myself feeling weird even though I shouldn't, because I try to be an "includer" and many friendships have stemmed from me introducing different sets of friends.
A friend of mine even wrote that in her thank you card to me for being a bridesmaid. I hadn't thought about it until then - I met her randomly and we started hanging out, I introduced her to a lot of my other friends and she became good friends with many of them, and met her H through one of their boyfriends (and that couple had met through me also lol). She was like "I wouldn't have all of this if we hadn't met!". It was interesting to trace that back and see those connections! Anyway, don't feel bad (because I think you are friend B haha)
It feels silly being this old and worrying about it. The trip is Sun-Thurs
We are Friends B and I have huge guilt about not inviting A. I told C that I felt a little guilty and she said, "well we can invite them, but you would have to share a room" We kind of all decided it would be nice just to keep it low key and mellow.
I would feel bad if I were A and that is where I'm having my feelings come from. My DH said it isn't our condo to invite others and C asked us to go.
In the end, it probably isn't that big of a deal, but I can see being pretty hurt by it
How would inviting them not keep it low key? Would you mind sharing a room?
I guess, if it were your condo, would you ask them along?
I do think be mindful before posting a ton of shit on FB if you feel like A might be hurt. If you think she will be fine, then whatever.
I might feel differently if it was a hotel and suggest the more the merrier if I were B. But being invited to someone's home is different. I'd go and feel no guilt. I hope it goes without saying that no one should ask A to watch their kids for the weekend.
In the same vein, I’d feel differently if the house was open to many other families and A wasn’t invited. Seems more of a slight. But b&c are close due to similarities, and it’s just them. (But maybe I’m breezy bc I’m not a outgoing people person and would rather be home most of the time, lol.)
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Post by cabbagecabbage on Jul 19, 2018 17:21:16 GMT -5
You don’t get to invite people on someone else’s weekend trip. I think the most is so I’d say “Oh , sounds like something Bob and Linda would love if you are looking to add anyone.” Then I’d drop it forever. I’m not sure I’d even do that.
I literally don’t understand guilt. It’s not your plan.
If I was friend A I would initially feel hurt and left out, but I would get over it quickly. I would also remind myself that although this is my initial reaction, objectively speaking we're not as close to the condo owners and my kids are older which factors into the logistics. this is also my personal reaction, given my personality, but different people react differently so A may not even care.
I would also overthink this and feel bad. I've been Friend A and it hurt my feelings to find out about the trip after the fact. I'd have preferred a heads-up (hey, we're doing this this weekend. It's C's parents' house, but let's plan a kayak trip soon!). It would not bother me if Friend B explained the condo and bedroom situation to me.
"Hello babies. Welcome to Earth. It's hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It's round and wet and crowded. On the outside, babies, you've got a hundred years here. There's only one rule that I know of, babies-"God damn it, you've got to be kind.”
If B had invited C but not A, that might be hurtful. But in this situation, I think it's fine, as long as you don't talk about it at group social gatherings. At the same time, not talking about it at all looks like you are hiding it. Ugh. How far away is this place? Could you invite them to kayak for the day, but not have them share space? I definitely wouldn't invite them to share accommodations, but I might let them know about the trip and give them the option to come and socialize with you, but sleep elsewhere.
I would feel guilty, because that's what I do. I am an includer, and I think it largely stems from being excluded myself at times in the past and feeling hurt, so I always try to consider others' feelings. But that's kind of exhausting sometimes and can cause me undo stress.
I do think A will be hurt, but if they are reasonable they won't be upset or angry, maybe just feel a little left out. Even though I hate making people feel that way, I also have to recognize that they will survive. Just don't make a habit of doing fun things they enjoy without them. I think a one-off situation like this can be gotten over, but if it becomes a pattern they are going to get the idea that y'all don't like them as much as you like each other.
Post by irishbride2 on Jul 19, 2018 18:15:16 GMT -5
We also do different types of trips with different types of people. In our main group, we are B. A and C hang out all the time but they are not as close as we are to A and C. And they travel very differently. A is go go go and can’t sit still. C likes to lay around and take naps on vacation. We are in the middle, but going anywhere with A and C (which we did once) is terrible. They get along great but have very different vacation styles.
Post by RoxMonster on Jul 19, 2018 18:16:02 GMT -5
I would absolutely not want to share a room with another couple, so I don’t blame you at all and as couple A, if I knew that, I wouldn’t want to go. I have been friend A and it sucks, but maybe you and couple A can do something else fun together on a different weekend without C and have some quality time together. It also being C’s condo and A and C not being super close makes me feel it isn’t a huge deal to not invite A.
My H and I have a vacation home in the mountains. So we'd be C in this. We invite people up all the time. Every now and then we invite a "friend A" type couple - people we get along with who we know through another couple - along with our "friend B" couple. But that's usually something we plan in advance (because of limited space, trying to get people with similar interests together, etc.) so we'd be ... not thrilled ... if the people we invited suggested bringing other people.
I get pretty annoyed when people start inviting themselves up or start fishing for invitations. This feels similar.
My H would be far less bothered by this, but I'm an introvert who sometimes just needs to go be alone for a while. The more people in the house, the less I can get away. (I also probably make it harder on myself by playing host and chef, but it's the one part I don't mind at all.)
Post by cabbagecabbage on Jul 19, 2018 19:22:20 GMT -5
Put anything you want on social media. This isn’t junior high. If your friends are this touchy, find better friends. Don’t change your life because Beatrice and Lloyd might be sad about your fun trip that you were invited to attend and didn’t plan and are not the reason they weren’t invited. We all get left out sometimes. Sorry I’ve been drinking but the level of intrigue and worry is ridiculous. Not you hosting. Not your problem.
This is literally not a situation and, frankly, it’s insulting to your hosts to pry for an invite. Are they not enough for you? Are they so dull you need to ask for more friends? Think of them too.
Put anything you want on social media. This isn’t junior high. If your friends are this touchy, find better friends. Don’t change your life because Beatrice and Lloyd might be sad about your fun trip that you were invited to attend and didn’t plan and are not the reason they weren’t invited. We all get left out sometimes. Sorry I’ve been drinking but the level of intrigue and worry is ridiculous. Not you hosting. Not your problem.
This is literally not a situation and, frankly, it’s insulting to your hosts to pry for an invite. Are they not enough for you? Are they so dull you need to ask for more friends? Think of them too.
thank you. The whole "don't put it on social media" thing is so middle school.
Friends can hang out with people who aren't you. It's really ok. And vice versa.
Post by imojoebunny on Jul 19, 2018 19:53:20 GMT -5
We have a house on a river and invite people to kayak and enjoy it often. I sincerely hope people are not offended that we do not ask more than one other family with kids. It is just too much, especially for my DH, and when the kids are not on similar age page. We have 3 bedrooms (2 with queens and bunk beds, one master, no one is sleeping there, but me/dh, + a playroom with a bed + a loft with a single), but it really works best for no more than 8 people, maybe 9 or 10, if we have our family and another family + a couple of adult singles. No way am hosting 3 families with kids. Maybe 2 other moms, my 2, and 3 other kids, but not with spouses or wide age range kids, be they younger or older. Not fun for me, not relaxing, and since I do all the cleaning, cooking, and maintenance, I think I should get a solid voice in what I am able to deal with.
Okay I’ll be that person and say I have been A before and was sad that I didn’t get an invite. I know I know, we’re all adults here yada yada, but yeah my feelings were a bit hurt.
If you are B or C I think it would be really nice to at least extend an offer.
This. DH and I are A right now for a trip to Vegas and while I have justified to myself why it wouldn't work for us it still stings a lot that we weren't invited.
Put anything you want on social media. This isn’t junior high. If your friends are this touchy, find better friends. Don’t change your life because Beatrice and Lloyd might be sad about your fun trip that you were invited to attend and didn’t plan and are not the reason they weren’t invited. We all get left out sometimes. Sorry I’ve been drinking but the level of intrigue and worry is ridiculous. Not you hosting. Not your problem.
This is literally not a situation and, frankly, it’s insulting to your hosts to pry for an invite. Are they not enough for you? Are they so dull you need to ask for more friends? Think of them too.
We love hanging with C and are excited to go. We have a great time with them and spend a lot of time with them.
There’s just some guilt for not including A
It’s not our place to invite others nor would we invite others.
Why is "no social media" middle school? If I know I'm doing something that I suspect might hurt someone else who wasn't included, why isn't it just about being cognizant of their feelings?
Now, granted, it's a grey area. what will or won't hurt someone else, we can't always know. THIS situation- the OP is clearly concerned that A will be upset and I could see how A might be upset. Why not make the effort to mitigate that as much as possible?
On the flip- there are 2 families in our neighborhood who we socialize with. They go to the beach in June for a weekend together. These two families are VERY close, totally not surprised that they do a weekend like this. And it's absolutely a trip that no one else should feel hurt or upset that they weren't invited on. They shouldn't keep it off social media (although they do, but they aren't big social media people in the first place) in case "someone" out there that they aren't aware of might be hurt.
I just think if it's a situation where you truly know that someone could be hurt to know about it - is it really a big deal to NOT post about it?
Post by flamingeaux on Jul 20, 2018 8:01:39 GMT -5
Honestly, if I'm traveling all the time for my kids' sports teams, the thought of being invited to sleep in a bunk-bed in a room with 3 other adults, sounds like hell, compared to sleeping in my own bed. Even if there's fun stuff involved. It's nice that you are concerned with your friends' feelings, but in all honesty, the condo can not fit another couple, so it should not be offensive to A. Also, I would assume A realizes that you are much closer friends to C than they are, and that of course they would invite you before them. If you still feel guilty plan a kayaking excursion with A for another weekend, somewhere else.
Post by irishbride2 on Jul 20, 2018 8:32:20 GMT -5
ECB I would never purposefully hurt someone. Obviously the OP wouldn’t either since she is so concerned about As feelings.
But I see (women especially) being secretive all the time about stuff like this and the rush to hide things can often be more hurtful than just being honest. It honestly depends on how you use social media and how frequently. I’m totally bringing in my own drama of friends who work so hard to hide what they are doing in order to not potentially hurt someone else. It’s exhausting. Can’t we all be adults and just hang with different friends at different times?
I have friends who make up lies about weekend plans because they don’t want to hurt feelings. It’s ridiculous. I don’t care if you hang out with Suzy and holly tomorrow but then hang out with the big group next week. It’s nbd.
irishbride2 So, yes, the bigger picture of hiding stuff and even lying about it is another issue. To not put it on social media AND THEN ALSO flat out lie about it? Nope. Not cool.
It’s hard but there IS a balance. When people in our neighborhood do stuff that isn’t fully inclusive, they’ll be pretty quiet about it. But when push comes to shove (basically directly asked about it), they’ll be honest about what they were doing.
I actually think 2 friends are off on a mom/kid adventure today. The one is texting me and when I asked what her and the boys were doing (her DH just left for a business trip so I know she’s on her own this weekend), she didn’t actually ever answer the question. So, it does feel like she’s hiding it to a degree. But I also know that if I were to ask her in person or maybe even texted her again, she would tell me. (I’m not going to do either - I really don’t care what they are doing. I asked her more out of conversation.).
In the end, everyone in these kinds of situations need to realize that not everything can be everyone. And I think effort should be made to not purposely hurt feelings, but then the ones being “hurt” also need to realize that others should be able to do stuff separately too.
Because I live my life for me. I know I’m kind and care about people and I’m not about to post vaguebooks to be passive-aggressive or use slurs or anything but censoring myself to prevent possible misunderstandings or possible hurt feelings is living to be “nice” and to avoid unpleasantness and JFC do I not have time for that. For me it’s akin to people who think it’s so unpleasant and bad to discuss politics on social media. Not saying this is how you feel but any sort of tone policing/this is off limits/what other people thing of me is my business type thinking is self-conscious to a level I consider ridiculous and makes social media more fake and watered down.
I'd try not to bring it up to A at all to avoid them being hurt. Like "We're doing this, but you're not invited." I know you wouldn't mean it that way, but that's how it would come off.
The trip is 100% up to C. It's their (family's) condo. They have X amount of space. They can invite whom they like. If it's not big enough for 3 families and/or they don't want that many people and/or they don't want to invite people they're not really close to, so be it. It's not a tight-knit group of friends. It's two couples that are friends with B and see each other usually when B is around.
Because I live my life for me. I know I’m kind and care about people and I’m not about to post vaguebooks to be passive-aggressive or use slurs or anything but censoring myself to prevent possible misunderstandings or possible hurt feelings is living to be “nice” and to avoid unpleasantness and JFC do I not have time for that. For me it’s akin to people who think it’s so unpleasant and bad to discuss politics on social media. Not saying this is how you feel but any sort of tone policing/this is off limits/what other people thing of me is my business type thinking is self-conscious to a level I consider ridiculous and makes social media more fake and watered down.
In the end, this is clearly a personal thing. You don’t want to limit what you post. Fine, works for you. But because others feel that keeping it off social media is reasonable doesn’t make it “middle school”.
Also, this post is putting this situation/this entire concept under a microscope. But in reality, if I’m doing something that I feel maybe I shouldn’t post about it- it’s really not ALL that time consuming or weighing on my mind that much. I feel that here, in this post, the weight of this whole concept is being a bit blown out of proportion. I think the decision making process behind this - for MOST people - is a lot simpler than we’re making it out to be.
Post by irishbride2 on Jul 20, 2018 10:05:28 GMT -5
I don’t think not posting makes it middle school. I think telling others not to post does. Especially in this case when the poster is obviously aware. But like I said, I’m bringing in my on baggage with people who are post police.
I mean I only post pics of my kids, really, so this wouldn’t bother me or be a situation where I would post anyway.
Because I live my life for me. I know I’m kind and care about people and I’m not about to post vaguebooks to be passive-aggressive or use slurs or anything but censoring myself to prevent possible misunderstandings or possible hurt feelings is living to be “nice” and to avoid unpleasantness and JFC do I not have time for that. For me it’s akin to people who think it’s so unpleasant and bad to discuss politics on social media. Not saying this is how you feel but any sort of tone policing/this is off limits/what other people thing of me is my business type thinking is self-conscious to a level I consider ridiculous and makes social media more fake and watered down.
In the end, this is clearly a personal thing. You don’t want to limit what you post. Fine, works for you. But because others feel that keeping it off social media is reasonable doesn’t make it “middle school”.
Also, this post is putting this situation/this entire concept under a microscope. But in reality, if I’m doing something that I feel maybe I shouldn’t post about it- it’s really not ALL that time consuming or weighing on my mind that much. I feel that here, in this post, the weight of this whole concept is being a bit blown out of proportion. I think the decision making process behind this - for MOST people - is a lot simpler than we’re making it out to be.
I agree with this. If you know someone might feel hurt that you didn't invite them, it doesn't take much effort not to brag about it on social media. That's not to say you should lie if asked directly. I hate when people do that, but I also wouldn't be like "HEYYY LOOK AT US!!!". In this case, there's clearly 1 person who might feel a little sad.
Anyway, to the OP, go and have fun! Don't worry about A since it seems B and C would both prefer to just keep it the 4 of them.
Because I live my life for me. I know I’m kind and care about people and I’m not about to post vaguebooks to be passive-aggressive or use slurs or anything but censoring myself to prevent possible misunderstandings or possible hurt feelings is living to be “nice” and to avoid unpleasantness and JFC do I not have time for that. For me it’s akin to people who think it’s so unpleasant and bad to discuss politics on social media. Not saying this is how you feel but any sort of tone policing/this is off limits/what other people thing of me is my business type thinking is self-conscious to a level I consider ridiculous and makes social media more fake and watered down.
In the end, this is clearly a personal thing. You don’t want to limit what you post. Fine, works for you. But because others feel that keeping it off social media is reasonable doesn’t make it “middle school”.
Also, this post is putting this situation/this entire concept under a microscope. But in reality, if I’m doing something that I feel maybe I shouldn’t post about it- it’s really not ALL that time consuming or weighing on my mind that much. I feel that here, in this post, the weight of this whole concept is being a bit blown out of proportion. I think the decision making process behind this - for MOST people - is a lot simpler than we’re making it out to be.
I agree it’s personal and pretty simple. I’ll stand by my belief that if I'm modifying social media habits to appeal to one person, it’s childish. Nobody has to share their weekend trips. My H posts maybe three times a year and would never post it. I put up pictures almost daily so not posting all weekend would be weird and me changing my behavior. In real life, this issue isn’t an issue at all for me. I’m posting on this thread because my own beliefs made me snort when I read a couple replies.