WWYD - friend situation - update

[zaneyzoo]

There is a group of couples that are friends.  

Friends A & B have been friends for a really long time - the wives are really good friends - Friends A's kids are older - the couples don't do a ton of stuff together but do do some things together although it's usually in a group setting.  Friends A are usually very busy with their older kids who are in a lot of sports and other activities

Friends B & C are good friends who do a lot together.  Kids are close in age (younger/not in school yet)- hang out on the regular (weekly) - husbands are jokingly called boyfriends - wives are close as well

Friends A & C are friends but only really hang out in group settings 

All friends go to the gym together so are around each other often

Friends C asked Friends B to go with them out of state on an adult only kayaking trip

Friends B is feeling really guilty about not inviting Friends A especially since Friends A turned B & C on to kayaking and all three couples do kayak together.  Friends C's parents have a condo that came open for a week and it all fell into place which is what prompted the trip.

Friends A don't know about planned trip yet

If you were Friends B, how would you handle it?  If you were Friends A, how would you feel?  
-------------------------------------------

UPDATE:

The trip still hasn't come up in conversation but I do now know that Friend A has an out of state work trip that is the same week we will be gone.  So I feel a bit relieved that there would have been a conflict anyway.  (That probably makes me sound like an asshole, huh?) 

[m15]

I wouldn't think twice about it. A and C only hang out on occasion. Why would they be invited or feel hurt by not being invited?

[ssmjlm]

You can't make everyone happy. I wouldn't overthink it.

[acr]

In my group of friends, some families travel together at different times and configurations. No big deal. Sometimes it’s all about who’s around when plans are being made

[georgeharrison]

I guess I look at it like not everyone has to be included in every thing every time. I can see friend A being disappointed that they missed the activity, but I don't think it's appropriate for them to get offended or anything.

Friend B should just go and have fun. I don't know why friend A even needs to know. If it comes up later, I don't think there is anything wrong with saying, "Yeah, it was a fun time. The three of us (couples) should all do it together sometime."

[icedcoffee]

I'd somehow mention to C that it would be nice to invite A. If she doesn't want to or can't then I'd go, but I'd try not to talk about it and probably limit any social media posting if possible.

I don't think everyone needs to be included all the time, but I think when possible it's nice to.

[jennistarr1]

up until the kayak, you described my group of friends

ask C "should we invite anyone else"

[countthestars]

Does the condo even fit a third couple?

Sometimes we like doing things as a large group and often times a small group is better. It sounds like Friends C would have invited A if they wanted them there.

[zaneyzoo]

Jul 19, 2018 14:14:45 GMT -5 countthestars said:

Does the condo even fit a third couple?

Sometimes we like doing things as a large group and often times a small group is better. It sounds like Friends C would have invited A if they wanted them there.

The condo can sleep 6, but 4 of the beds are bunks in one room

A third couple would add another vehicle

B & C are excited just to get away and have a relaxing trip just hanging and kayaking are looking forward to it being just a lowkey trip.

[countthestars]

Jul 19, 2018 14:17:26 GMT -5 zaneyzoo said:

Jul 19, 2018 14:14:45 GMT -5 countthestars said:

Does the condo even fit a third couple?

Sometimes we like doing things as a large group and often times a small group is better. It sounds like Friends C would have invited A if they wanted them there.

The condo can sleep 6, but 4 of the beds are bunks in one room

A third couple would add another vehicle

B & C are excited just to get away and have a relaxing trip just hanging and kayaking are looking forward to it being just a lowkey trip.

Go and have fun!

[cjcouple]

Just go and enjoy yourselves. Honestly you're all adults. Unless your are purposely excluding the other couple to be nasty, dont worry about it. Dont ghost them or anything but you're allowed to get together separately with friends from time to time.

[jinkies]

I have been B in this scenario. Basically, we never told A about the trip at all.

(edited bc all my questions were answered before I responded)

[ECB]

Jul 19, 2018 14:04:38 GMT -5 georgeharrison said:

I guess I look at it like not everyone has to be included in every thing every time. I can see friend A being disappointed that they missed the activity, but I don't think it's appropriate for them to get offended or anything.

Friend B should just go and have fun. I don't know why friend A even needs to know. If it comes up later, I don't think there is anything wrong with saying, "Yeah, it was a fun time. The three of us (couples) should all do it together sometime."

This is basically where I fall.  I'm in a neighborhood with a lot of couples and cross friendships.  There is some stuff that DH and I are included in and there is some stuff we aren't.  Yes, when we aren't, sure, it stings a little and I'm bummed.  But I'm also mature enough to understand that everything can't be "invite all" all the time. 

There are actually 2 weekend trips that we go on with some configuration of families.  We try to keep it really low key on social media, if we post anything at all.  I'll post something with MY family, but I won't tag or include pictures of other people on the trip.  Other families in our neighborhood know about these trips - most seem to be cool about it.  But we still try to keep it quiet just to avoid hurting feelings as best we can.  

[mcmel]

Okay I’ll be that person and say I have been A before and was sad that I didn’t get an invite. I know I know, we’re all adults here yada yada, but yeah my feelings were a bit hurt.

If you are B or C I think it would be really nice to at least extend an offer.

[ECB]

Jul 19, 2018 14:11:25 GMT -5 icedcoffee said:

I'd somehow mention to C that it would be nice to invite A.  

I wouldn't do this.  I'm SURE C is perfectly aware that they aren't including A.  To even bring it up will put some amount of pressure on C to invite A.  And C may really want to just hang out with you all.  There's nothing wrong with that.  

[cleo29]

I think go and have fun and if you are going to post pictures on FB or anything, then mention it before going or something, but casually. I don't know...

[ECB]

Jul 19, 2018 14:31:45 GMT -5 mcmel said:

Okay I’ll be that person and say I have been A before and was sad that I didn’t get an invite. I know I know, we’re all adults here yada yada, but yeah my feelings were a bit hurt.

If you are B or C I think it would be really nice to at least extend an offer.

Hey, I'm with you- I've been A before and often literally right in front of my face (as in my neighbors across the street invite other neighbors over but not us - and I can see all this out my front window!).  Yes, it hurts.  I agree.

But I still don't think this now means that B or C should 'have' to extend an offer.  Of COURSE it's the nice thing to do. I try to be as inclusive as possible when I plan stuff.  But there are times where it's just not always possible.  And really- a condo that sleeps 6 people, 4 of which have to be in the same room...  eh, most of my neighbors, I'm not THAT close to! 

[jinkies]

Jul 19, 2018 14:31:45 GMT -5 mcmel said:

Okay I’ll be that person and say I have been A before and was sad that I didn’t get an invite. I know I know, we’re all adults here yada yada, but yeah my feelings were a bit hurt.

If you are B or C I think it would be really nice to at least extend an offer.

Oh, I would totally have feelings if I were A. I mean, outwardly I'd play it off like it's totally fine, and I would never actually say anything to either couple. I can objectively understand that we are all adults and don't all get invited to things. 

But it would still sting, especially if I were the one who introduced B and C to kayaking, and we all hang out as much as OP describes. 

[Leeham Rimes]

I’ve been a in the scenario and it’s fine. B+c are close and do things together often, it wouldn’t be odd that they’re doing this together. Not to say A won’t get offended bc everyone is different but this isn’t a “invite everyone I know but A” kind of thing. B + c are close and are doing their own thing.

[cleo29]

I also think when you are traveling with kids, at times, it is easier when both sets of kids are close in age.

[dochas]

I might feel differently if it was a hotel and suggest the more the merrier if I were B. But being invited to someone's home is different. I'd go and feel no guilt. I hope it goes without saying that no one should ask A to watch their kids for the weekend.

[tacokick]

I wouldn’t not worry about it personally but I know some people are weird about stuff like that. I remember when two of my friends “confessed” they hung out without me in high school and I was totally bewildered that they’d think it was an issue.

In this case, you know everyone. I’d just be casual about it and maybe just make it about timing and space since it’s someone’s random condo and it isn’t some huge planned trip. If the left out people are sensitive or dramatic souls maybe don’t blast it on Social media a ton but I wouldn’t make a big deal out of it.

[noodleoo]

Lol, I love how everyone knows you are friend B! I have no advice, except to say that I’m often friend A and it does suck. But what are you going to do? They don’t fit in the condo and it is not yours to invite them to, so it is what it is.

[irishbride2]

I have friends who are really weird about inviting everyone. They feel like we have to invite every member of the group to everything, but it doesn’t always make sense. The result is that we now do less with that couple.

Let it go. Go hang out with the one family and have fun.

[smock]

It's friend C's condo, and there isn't room for another family. This really shouldn't be complicated––go and have fun!

[smock]

Jul 19, 2018 14:57:26 GMT -5 irishbride2 said:

I have friends who are really weird about inviting everyone. They feel like we have to invite every member of the group to everything, but it doesn’t always make sense. The result is that we now do less with that couple.

We've had this debate in our group, too, particularly because one person really doesn't get along with another person and planned group events that excluded just that one friend. Our general consensus is that bigger events (birthdays; friend in from out of town; holidays) everyone should be invited. If it's a smaller gathering, like three people, no need to invite everyone. But it's not cool to just exclude one person from playdates and other hang outs.

Who knew that this stuff would still be so complicated in our 30s?!?

[zaneyzoo]

It feels silly being this old and worrying about it. The trip is Sun-Thurs

We are Friends B and I have huge guilt about not inviting A. I told C that I felt a little guilty and she said, "well we can invite them, but you would have to share a room" We kind of all decided it would be nice just to keep it low key and mellow.

I would feel bad if I were A and that is where I'm having my feelings come from. My DH said it isn't our condo to invite others and C asked us to go.

In the end, it probably isn't that big of a deal, but I can see being pretty hurt by it

[tacokick]

To be honest, I’d be sort of relieved to not be asked if I would have to share a room with another couple. Saves me from making an excuse why I don’t want to go.

[jigsy]

I would normally be on the 'you do you' train.

But the whole "A is the reason B&C are even into kayaking" is giving me pause. I would be pretty annoyed if my B&C friend went and did a comic-con/cosplay event without me when I am the reason they even know/do that stuff in the first place. I would let it go because that's just me, but I would certainly be annoyed as fuck.

I do think you should own not wanting to invite A though, because its not C's cabin/C's rules - C said you could invite them, you'd just have to share rooms...so, if you don't want to do that, okay...but don't throw C under the bus if it comes up.

[cajunmom]

I just want to know which friend you are in this scenario.