I have shared on the recovery board and a few places here/there about STBXH. I think a lot of people in general think of people who have a drinking problem as being those who can't get through their morning without a drink-and it's just simply not true. STBXH wouldn't drink until the evening-and it gradually became excessive. AA wasn't a good fit for him for a long time, but apparently he is attending meetings on/off. One of the things he told me was that it is hard to change routines-I think of myself and think how many times I automatically pour a glass of wine after DS goes to bed-it almost becomes an effort NOT to do it.
I'm glad you are open and honest with someone IRL-someone who will be there when you want to drink but will support you in being sober. As someone said earlier, it is a huge lifestyle change that not everyone is going to support or understand-especially since so many things seem to involve drinking. Only share what you feel comfortable sharing, you don't owe anyone an explanation.
There was a time several years ago when I thought I was drinking way too much. I was looking forward to my evening wine too much and pouring bigger and bigger glasses. At one point, I wondered what would have to happen to make me stop drinking so much so often. It wasn’t like I was getting drunk - I just loved the buzz and laughs too much to stop.
Turns out, migraines, pregnancy and lack of sleep forced my hand. I drink cups of hot water at night now. I sleep better and lost weight. It’s been years since I felt attached to alcohol.
Good for you for taking this step! It sounds like you are doing great so far and I have no doubt you can do this.
One of the best thing about these boards over the years has been the ability to talk about things and share and get support when I wasn't necessarily ready to talk to anyone IRL about things. I'm glad you shared here, and I hope you will continue to share as you need support.
Post by cabbagecabbage on Sept 7, 2018 8:42:12 GMT -5
To those of you who offer compliments and encouragement, you have no idea how much that means to my praise seeking brain! It’s like the adult version of a beautiful sparkly sticker. Thank you.
To those of you sharing your own stories, I know it’s uncomfortable and requires you going to places that aren’t fun. Thank you so much. It makes me feel like I can do this.
And for all the advice sprinkled in, I am truly open to all of it and taking it all in. Thank you.
As other people have mentioned, you don’t owe anyone an explanation. I have a friend of 9 years who doesn’t drink. I have no idea why. When we first met she passed on a glass of wine and I said something like “oh...not drinking tonight?” And she said “no, I don’t drink”. And that was that.
I quit drinking for 9 years, in my early 20's. I had to reevaluate my relationship with alcohol, and substances in general. It changed my life. I wish you all the best, and admire your awareness and perseverance. I have two employees who recently decided to change their drinking habits; it's incredible to watch the changes in them. They're thinking more critically, managing their time more effectively, all from small changes. One of them is showing such growth in her mindset and goals, that she's probably on her way on to better things, and I will be so proud and wish her well when she does.
I also wanted to say that you don't have to disclose this to anyone at all, if that's your preference. I totally understand telling others in order to keep yourself accountable. That's how I am too.
However, H has told very few people about his issues. He attends AA and has support there, so I don't worry about his silence as much as I used to. He is an intensely private person all around. It was hard for me to understand how he could work hard on being sober without talking to anyone else about it. Quietly working on sobriety and being a healthier person works well for him. I've had to learn to respect our differences.
I think the "I haven't ruined my life" bit is powerful. Our culture implies that drinking is fine as long as you aren't ruining your life. It's entirely untrue. I'm very proud of you for admitting that it's a problem for you, even if you haven't "ruined your life yet."
I also find myself hesitating every time I disclose this stuff on the boards. Nobody here knows me in real life, but it's the internet and the fear of being figured out is real. Shame is a powerful thing. However, the connection with others here and at meetings have really been my saving grace in all of this. Life-changing, if I'm being honest. People are pretty great sometimes.
Post by amandakisser on Sept 7, 2018 11:04:03 GMT -5
I am on day 7 of sobriety, thanks to Whole30. I honestly decided to do the Whole30 mostly because I had begun to drink way, way too much. A bottle of wine every evening, pouring my first glass on Sundays at 2 pm. Feeling like shit in the morning because I had too much the night before.
It happened after I got laid off last year. I wasn’t working, had no motivation, and thought, fuck it, might as well have some wine to enjoy life a little. Then I got another job that turned into the most hostile environment I have EVER been in, and my drinking escalated. I’ve since left and gotten a wonderful role in an amazing organization.
I’m not sure when I will have another drink. I’d like to hope that after prolonged sobriety I can find a balance and be able to enjoy a glass of wine or two on weekends, but honestly I’m just trying to focus on myself and keeping my mind and body healthy.
Post by pantsparty on Sept 7, 2018 11:14:34 GMT -5
It takes a lot on awareness, insight and strength to make a decision to confront something you don't like about yourself. I wish you the best of luck. I personally wouldn't feel pressured to "go public" if you really don't want to. It sounds like the closest people in your life know and are going to be your support system.
Post by imojoebunny on Sept 7, 2018 21:24:42 GMT -5
As I have gotten older, 46, I have seen a lot of people take the step that the drinking culture isn't working for them. I am excited for the options you are opening up for yourself, and others by taking the path to stop drinking. Wishing you a lot of support and opportunities, as you move forward enjoying your life without the weight of alcohol. Congrats and lots of hope that you will discover all kinds of fun things and people to enjoy life with.
It’s sharing with the world that scares me. The first time I’m offered a drink someone has already poured, for example. That stuff is scary.
I think this is one of the many ways in which AA can be of help - logistics, strategy, dealing with people who won't understand or who will push you to have a drink anyway, etc. If you aren't ready to go to a meeting, maybe your DH would be willing to go with you, or go by himself to a few of the open meetings someone mentioned, and tell you what they're like. And he can also go to Al-Anon meetings to learn how to best help you.
Congrats to you for recognizing this and taking these steps!
When I was in my teens and early 20s I do think I had a drinking problem, but because “everyone was getting wasted” it was totally normal and acceptable.
Now I feel like sometimes I can sense how I would develop a problem- if I had a stressful day at work I might think “I’d like a drink” but then that could turn into drinking every night which is fine for some and normal to have a drink each night, but I know it wouldn’t be for me so I can’t even go down the path of just having a drink for “no reason” if that makes sense (not that I don’t drink at all because I do)
I do think that alcohol problems can be so much more nuanced that society as a whole will tell you- like you said just because somebody isn’t starting their day with a few swigs from the vodka bottle hidden in the bathroom doesn’t mean they are “fine”. Drinking = fun is so ingrained in our society that people automatically seem a little “on guard” if you say you aren’t having a drink. If you said “I’m a recovering alcoholic” however that would be totally acceptable but what about the gray area in between.
Anyway good luck to you! And congrats again for taking these first steps and for talking about it.
Post by closertofine on Sept 8, 2018 8:29:34 GMT -5
I wish you all the best. I second the suggestion of attending an AA mtg or two just to check it out. I am six years, one month and 19 days sober, and for me, it took a solid 9 months of nightly mtgs in the beginning, and regular therapy during all of this time. Like you, I was functioning, had rules, didn't drive, never at school, but for about 6 months after my second miscarriage, I spiraled into nightly heavy drinking and daily hangovers. I had 18 months of sobriety, then I relapsed briefly when my daughter was 7 months old. Fortunately not to previous levels, but I could see it was coming. I then found out I was very surprisingly pregnant with my son and have been sober since.
I'm to the point now where every one knows about my recovery. Even my coworkers and bosses. I felt shame in the beginning, but now I feel pride. I have said to my students when the topic comes up (I teach 11th and 12th grades) that I do not drink at all (they are the only ones I have not disclosed to that it is bc I am in recovery. I just tell them I've chosen not to have alcohol in my life).
Getting and staying sober was the second most difficult thing in my life. But it allowed me to finally realize my ex was abusive and a danger to my children, and I have navigated this entire separation and divorce and now coparenting with a clear head. I am so fucking proud I have made it through the last three years, which have been the most difficult thing of my life, without turning to my chosen crutch of alcohol. In that regard, I feel like a rock star.
You are smart and brave to recognize this as something you don't like and make a change. I've been through the same thought process a million times in the last 10 years, and I think I'll eventually arrive at the same conclusion you have. Keep at it!!
"Hello babies. Welcome to Earth. It's hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It's round and wet and crowded. On the outside, babies, you've got a hundred years here. There's only one rule that I know of, babies-"God damn it, you've got to be kind.”
I like to keep my self improvement efforts to myself too. Sometimes it's about privacy and introvert tendencies, not choosing to avoid accountability. I feel you.
I hope you realise how important it is to admit this publicly and I hope even more it helps you get through things. There is no blanket situation for drinking to be problematic.
Post by Shreddingbetty on Sept 9, 2018 13:17:51 GMT -5
Good for you for realizing this and doing something about it. I will share a couple of things of my situation. My H is a long time alcoholic (since 13), now in recovery 2 years. He has quit several times in the past, longest was 13 months. He did not seek any treatment of any kind all those times and he was basically a drunk who just didn’t have his alcohol to cope. So not much better. In our circle everyone pretty much drinks. So he would tell people he was working on losing weight, his blood pressure was too high (thanks to alcohol and being overweight), giving his liver a break. No one other than me knew he actually had a problem (and let me tell you it was very isolating for me to always come up with excuses of why he was always tired etc). When he quit for 13 months he wanted to try it one more time by himself. He didn’t was to do AA because of his job and the fact that he knows a lot of people in town and he didn’t want to seek help from the professional organization for his line of work. Now I know those were all excuses. Not having people know made it easy for when he would fall off the wagon. This last time I told him it needed to be out in the open and he neeeded to seek treatment because I was ready to walk out. He finally did and he is doing very well sobriety wise. It isn’t like he posted on FB for the world to know but at work, and all of our friends and family know (plus he had to go to rehab for 3 months so certain people had to know anyway ). I think it needs to be out in the open for some people, close friends and family (close family anyway). I feel that it helps with long term accountability. You don’t owe random people or acquaintances any explanation when you decline a drink however. All those years it was very hard for me to not be able to talk about it with anyone. As far as high functioning, another thing I have learned is that high functioning is really only a stage. I would’ve considered my H to be a high functioning alcoholic. And in a sense he was, he has a good paying job, hadn’t gotten into trouble (yet anyway), wouldn’t drink until he came home from work and would “only” drink until early morning hours and then be sober enough to go to work. Where he was not functioning however was in the marriage and as a father. Our relationship suffered immensely the last several years as he just wasn’t there emotionally and there was a complete breakdown of communication. I’m not good at communication I will admit and hate confrontation, but the few times important issues were brought up by me they were shot down as something that was my problem and then it just kept spiraling. He loved his kid but I couldn’t trust him with her and he rarely did anything with her anyway. I basically did all the care sincerely she was born. He had no choice to go to rehab and it took several weeks before he would even see how manipulative he was and how it had affected his life and relationships. But he now goes to many local AA meetings and it is out int the open. Unfortunately for me too much damage was done and even though he has changed a lot I can not recover from this. I wasn’t ready to walk out 2 years ago and really thought if he quit for good things would get better. In a sense they have as far as he has changed, learned coping skills and he is present for our kid, but too much damage was done to our relationship. He was ready to move on because he finally “woke up” and was now ready to do this mariage thing. He isn’t the one who suffered all those years. I didn’t realize that I stopped loving him a long time ago but just kept on trucking because things “weren’t too bad” and I wasn’t bing physically abused. I was afraid to be honest with my own feelings and felt like I should be able to move on with him since he quit.
It doesn’t sound like you were at the point my H was as far as how bad it had gotten. But thing with alcoholism is, is that it will get worse at some point, but no one knows when that is. It is different for everyone . And there will be a lot of collateral damage along the way. So kudos to you for quitting and realizing that you were not on a healthy path as far as drinking wasn’t concerned. I would encourage you to really learn about alcoholism though. I didn’t realize how little I knew about it and I’m in the medical field. I think it will help you. If you can get ahold of it look for the documentary Pleasure unwoven, I really liked it. I would check out AA. I would also recommend checking out www.soberrecovery.com they have forums and they are very helpful. It would be an anonymous support for you. And quitting drinking and recovery aren’t necessarily the same. Lots of people quit drinking but then they don’t have the coping skills to deal with things in life. Pretty much all people with substance abuse issues use it to self medicate. So learning how to deal with stress etc without the substance is really important when you quit. Again, it doesn’t sounds like you were on a severe downward spiral and that you are doing well so far and feeling great. Just be aware that a lot of people have a honeymoon period where they feel like a million bucks in early recovery and it seems like an easy thing. It may get harder as time goes on. That’s why I think it is really important that you get some kind of support, be it through therapy, AA, online recovery support etc. Because doing it in silence is very tough. I’m sure some people have done it that way and have been successful but I think generally sepaking it is better to have some sort of support. Sorry for the novel, just wanted to share what can happen when it gets really bad and also that it is so much more complicated than just quitting drinking for most people. I wish i would’ve been more educated a long time ago. Not sure if the outcome would’ve been different but may it would’ve. I probably would’ve at least dealt with everything a little different. The most important thing is that you are quitting because you are ready to quit and not because everyone tells you you should. That is a very positive and good thing! Keeep up the good work!!