Guru/Model B. Smith has Alzheimer’s, Husbad has girlfriend

[downtoearth]

Lifestyle guru B. Smith has Alzheimer’s. Her husband has a girlfriend. Her fans aren’t having it.

Six years ago, she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease. The illness is particularly common among African Americans, and it struck B. Smith at her prime; it ravaged her brain, jumbling her memories, turning her sentences into alphabet soup.

Not long after, B.’s restaurants shuttered. Her appearances dried up. With Dan Gasby, her husband and business partner of more than two decades, she turned her efforts to speaking about Alzheimer’s and advocating for research. Then, she didn’t do much talking at all.

But Dan turned to social media. He took over their Facebook page, sending near-daily missives to their 30,000 followers on the realities of caring for a spouse who was rapidly forgetting him — the fear she’d developed, her anger and frustration, his own.

Then, in December, Dan posted a Facebook photo of himself with a woman with a thick blond mane and delicate features. They are beaming, a dapper couple out to dinner. But the caption referenced, of all things, an old rap song by 50 Cent and the Game. “Hate it or love it,” it read. “You can debate, but for me, I’m feelin’ great.” He even used a hashtag: #whylie.

Dan had never been the type to bite his tongue, never bothered with niceties.

At 64, he had a wife, and he had a girlfriend named Alex Lerner. He was happy and in love.

And, well, why lie?

Soon after, they started dating, with Dana's [daughter's] blessing. "When he told me," Dana said , "I was like, 'Thank God. I'm happy.' "

www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/lifestyle-guru-b-smith-has-alzheimers-her-husband-has-a-girlfriend-her-fans-arent-having-it/2019/01/28/1a9dbbc0-12c4-11e9-b6ad-9cfd62dbb0a8_story.html?noredirect=on

______________________________

It's weird b/c my H has a girlfriend right now and I'm hurt and so angry... but when I read this, I am not really mad at Dan for taking care of B while she has Alzheimer's while having a girlfriend. I think a big part is that Dan's daughter (B's stepdaughter, but who she considers a mother) is okay with it. Am I messed up or is this just modern life?

[anonymous]

I’m going with this is 1 situation you can’t judge unless you’re in it. It sounds like he has a gf and also continues caring For his wife. If he abondned his wife I’d be judgey but I hunk I’m okay with this.


I’m
Sorry about your situation, downtoearth.

[hopecounts]

My Gran had Alzheimer’s and I would’ve been ok with my Grandad dating as long as he took care of Gran.

I am ok with this because the truth is B is long gone, her body is just still here.
If he is taking care of her so she is safe and as healthy as possible he is fulfilling his vows.
If he has found someone for companionship who makes him happy during this very hard time good for him.

I see this as different from cheating as the spouse is gone all ways but physical presence

[penguingrrl]

I think that since he’s still doing the right thing and caring for his wife I can’t judge the situation. Alzheimer’s is a long and lonely road for a patient and for their caregiver, I can’t condemn someone for wanting companionship in the midst of that.

[nomad100]

I am so sorry about your situation downtoearth, My X was having online affairs so I understand (a bit).

In this case, I don't give a second thought. Wife isn't going to improve or get better. He isn't abandoning her.

My cousin's grandmother lingered with this horrible disease for 20 years, a good chunk of it she was unaware of anyone around her. I wouldn't have begrudged her H for finding love. 20 years is a long time to put your life on hold.

[sunnysally]

I feel that when someone has advanced Alzheimers they are no longer themselves. If this were me, I would want DH to find someone if he wanted to.

[cattledogkisses]

My grandmother passed away last month after nearly a decade of suffering with dementia. Even though she was still physically here up until that point, in every other sense she had been dead for a long time. Every part of her that made her her had been gone for years.

While I understand initially balking at the idea of someone's spouse dating while they're still alive, people with Alzheimers and dementia can linger in that state for many years before finally passing away, and I'm not sure it's fair to expect their spouse to live indefinitely in that limbo where the person they loved is gone in every way that truly matters, even if they are physically still there.

[omgzombies]

There's a reason the disease is known as the Long Goodbye, it's not a year of your life as a caretaker, it's 5, 10, 15, or 20 years. My father had Alzheimer's though he passed away before it had completely progressed, he was lucid most of the time, he also had moments where he did not recognize me. I also know that being a caretaker of someone who has Alzheimer's is incredibly hard, it is both physically and emotionally exhausting. The person that was there is no longer there, the partner you had now has no connection to you, they are constantly a threat of wandering off, so you have to be on-guard all the time, they have bursts of anger and it is difficult to separate the knowledge that person screaming and cursing at you has no control over what they are doing, and isn't really them. If I had Alzheimer's that had progressed far enough that I routinely didn't know who my family was, and required round the clock care, I would want my husband to find companionship with someone who would provide a meaningful relationship with him, and I would not mind them getting dating/getting married. I would still expect the spouse to oversee the care of the person with the disease though, they are your spouse and you don't just cut and run, but life is too short to simply be a caretaker and nothing else if you have to opportunity and desire for more. I've been through it, and I don't judge for a second.

[bowies]

Jan 29, 2019 13:04:18 GMT -5 sunnysally said:

I feel that when someone has advanced Alzheimers they are no longer themselves. If this were me, I would want DH to find someone if he wanted to.

I’m here too. If I’m gone in all ways but the physical one, I want him to have support.

[isabel]

Also, who's to say that they didn't talk about this when she was still able to discuss it? Maybe she told him she was comfortable with him seeking out a new companion once she was "gone."

[W.T.Faulkner]

Peope who judge this situation have never cared for or loved someone with Alzheimer’s.

[kdubs923]

My father has Dementia. I'm in a Dementia/Alzheimers Caregiver Support Group on FB. Someone posted the same article there and the responses seem to be 75/25% in favor of having the girlfriend, though the first few comments were full on outrage and anger.

As long as she is still properly cared for - food, shelter, medical needs, care, love, companionship, etc then what Dan does in his spare time shouldn't matter. It doesn't make him any less devoted of a spouse. The reality, this disease is terrible. It's painful for the patient in the beginning as they are still aware of what they're losing, but as it progresses (around the stage that it sounds like B. is in), it's becomes more painful for the loved ones/caregivers standing by as the patient becomes less aware of what's going on. The experience can be lonely and devestating.

If Dan can have some companionship during this time, then good for him. My father is currently in a nursing home, and is otherwise healthy, despite the dementia diagnosis about 6 years ago. He is only 61. He could live like this for another decade or two. My father is married to my step mother who is a few years younger. They only found each other later in life, so he doesn't even remember who she is most days. He is unable enjoy any of the things they used to experience together (puzzles, concerts, dinners out, reading books together, hiking, etc). He can no longer speak more than a few words (mostly incoherant) and gets too agitated listening to others converse more than a few basic words at a time. For her to put her entire life on hold to wait out this disease is unfair. My Dad in his right mind would never have wished that life on her.

It's easy to be outraged and say it's just not right. But the reality is, until you experience this disease first hand, it's impossible to judge the decisions others make while in the thick of things.

[cville]

Theoretically, this makes sense to me. It's a horrific and malicious disease that steals people from themselves and the people they love. If, as part of caring for someone with Alzheimer's, the caretaker finds solice and comfort and love, while maintaining their care, then so be it. Sitting here today I feel that the thing I'd want most for my husband, no matter if it were Alzheimer's or death that took me from him, is for him to have love and support again. But that's also theory.

If this were my father and mother, I know that theory may give way to anger or betrayal. But maybe not. I can't possibly predict how I'd react. My grandmother predeceased my grandfather before his Alzheimer's developed, so I never have had to deal with this. Every situation has numerous specific factors.

I'm just so sad for B. Smith.

[Velar Fricative]

This situation is heartbreaking. Before reading, my initial reaction was to be angry at him, but he seems very dedicated to caring for his wife. I cannot fathom the stressors of being a caregiver of someone with dementia so if his new relationship gives him some comfort, I can't fault him for that.

[kdubs923]

Right, I think reading the headline it's easy to picture the husband has abandoned his wife and is going on cruises with his side piece.

But that's not this.

He's still caring for his wife & meeting all of her needs. He's treating her with love & dignity. (While having additional support and companionship by having a girlfriend)

[CrazyLucky]

I remember reading that Sandra Day O'Connors husband had a girlfriend in his nursing home. He had Alzheimer's and had no idea who Sandra was. She was so happy for him, because he was able to be happy. And I remember being struck by how selfless and loving it was for her to give her blessing.
My mom is completely disabled right now and I see the toll that taking care of her puts on my dad. She doesn't have Alzheimer's but her situation helps me to understand this one.

[aurora]

I was reading this article earlier and decided it it's definitely not my position to judge.

I hope that B. and her loved ones can live as comfortable a life as possible in the face of this terrible disease.


I did think the part about her money vs his was interesting in the context of the Jeff and Mackenzie Bezos divorce conversation we had recently (how she'll be the world's richest woman after divorce, and how much of that wealth is hers vs his). But, that has nothing to do with the Alzheimers.

[gibbinator]

I don't know who these people are, but as long as his wife is still getting the care and support she needs, then I'm fine with it.

Interestingly my mom is currently dating a 70yr old man in the same situation. I'm super happy for her because she's been single for 20 yrs. He got "permission" from his kids first at least, and visits his wife regularly in the nursing home, but I really see it as kind of an awkward social situation that is ultimately OK ethically.

[wambam]

Jan 29, 2019 14:11:33 GMT -5 CrazyLucky said:

I remember reading that Sandra Day O'Connors husband had a girlfriend in his nursing home. He had Alzheimer's and had no idea who Sandra was. She was so happy for him, because he was able to be happy. And I remember being struck by how selfless and loving it was for her to give her blessing.
My mom is completely disabled right now and I see the toll that taking care of her puts on my dad. She doesn't have Alzheimer's but her situation helps me to understand this one.

My grandmother also had a boyfriend in the memory care unit of her nursing home and after the initial shock wore off, we all went with it because it made her happy.

[lilac05]

Jan 29, 2019 13:26:20 GMT -5 W.T.Faulkner said:

Peope who judge this situation have never cared for or loved someone with Alzheimer’s.

I agree with this.  They probably also only read the headline, which is not a fair representation of the situation.

I’m not sure that there is a more cruel disease than Alzheimer’s.  For patients or caregivers.  It’s been years since my grandma passed away, but it still brings tears to my eyes when I think about the conversations I had with my grandpa about it.

I hope they had a conversation where she “approved” him having a girlfriend.  Not because I need it to give my approval, but because it would mean he could take the steps in his life confidently, knowing that he was doing what she would have wanted him to do.

[WOT?*]

My father had Alzheimer's as did my grandmother. One of my greatest fears is that I develop it.

I have no problem with the situation as it is for them. She's home, he's caring for her, Alex cares for him and helps care for her. (They're actually *both* in a caring, nurturing relationship with B. I'm more than good with that.)

I've said more than once that one of my happiest last memories of my dad was being able to connect with him for just one brief moment in time, when he realized I'd made a joke and he laughed with me. For just one second he looked at me like he realized I was someone he'd loved, and he laughed and patted my arm. I was there for just ten days and had only brief moments of connection. Year in and year out is exhausting and mind-numbing.

His wife was his primary caretaker. For more than two years bedridden with Alzheimer's, she wiped his nose, changed his diaper, bathed him, powdered him, made sure he was turned so he never got a bedsore, she'd move his bed so he was able to get near a window (once he was bedridden) so he could see outside and get fresh air. When she was still able to get him into a wheelchair, she'd take him on walks outside. She eventually developed coronary heart disease because she was so busy helping him she neglected herself. The last time I visited was because she needed to have a triple bypass and he needed to be put into a care facility or have family watch him so she could have her surgery and recovery. (She had surgery but passed while in the hospital. My father died a week before she did, while she was still hospitalized. Neither knew the other had passed.) But any time he was feeling agitated, he would look toward her and even if he didn't know who she was, he knew she was someone he'd loved and who cared for him and loved him and it calmed him. So help me, had that woman wanted to date someone, she would have had my blessing. Hell, I'd drive the woman if she needed it. As long as she was taking care of my dad in the manner that she did, with love and devotion, she could have done pretty much anything and I'd have blessed her with no judgment.

Same goes for Dan. As long as he's devoted to caring for B (or someday ends up placing her in a home where she gets respectful and caring treatment and he visits to ensure she does) I have no problem with him going on with his life. The life he had with B is over. But he still loves her and cares for her. And bless Alex for helping him cope and care for her too. And Dana for understanding and being non-judgmental.

[gottadobe]

Does anybody have any feelings about the fact that the the GF comes over and stays in a room in their house - and presumably sleep together when she's there?

[SwimDeep]

I mean...do people expect life to be like The Notebook?

[lilac05]

Jan 29, 2019 17:10:22 GMT -5 gottadobe said:

Does anybody have any feelings about the fact that the the GF comes over and stays in a room in their house - and presumably sleep together when she's there?

Nope.  I have no idea what kind of discussions they have had...and even if they didn’t have any, it’s just not my place to judge.  

[readyin07]

Posting quickly b/c I am about to leave my house. And disclaimer that I didn't read the whole article.

I don't begrudge someone doing this at all as long as his wife is happy and well cared for.

I do think that his post (if that's all that was shared) was a little glib given the situation.

[hopecounts]

Nope.
She isn’t aware of it in a way that would bother her.

[kdubs923]

Jan 29, 2019 17:10:22 GMT -5 gottadobe said:

Does anybody have any feelings about the fact that the the GF comes over and stays in a room in their house - and presumably sleep together when she's there?

If you ask me if it's weird for someone to have sex with his girlfriend while his wife is in the house, then yes. Technically.

But his wife isn't there or present, mentally. She likely has no concept of sex anymore. Or marriage. Or vows. Or girlfriends. Etc.

As long as he is still fulfilling whatever B's physical needs are - hugs, holding hands, back scratches, who knows, then I don't see a problem fulfilling his sexual needs elsewhere.

This is different from a couple who has had a fight or having a dry spell. Or a couple that just has different sexual needs and the husband cheats on the side to get some. With dementia, there is no working on things in couples therapy, no hope for recovery, no discussions to get on the same (sexual) wavelength. Just sadness and dispair.

The situation sounds respectful as it can be. Pretty sure they're not banging on the couch next to her.

[aliciabella]

My aunt was very, very young, like 35 when she was diagnosed. After 5 years she was placed in a home and a couple years after that passed away. My uncle started dating when she was placed in a home and we felt that as long as she was being taken care of and their children were okay with it then it isn't me to judge. She was long gone. He took care of her for years and had to move on at some point. I can't judge.

[juliej]

I'm cool with whatever their family relationship and dynamic is. What bothers me more - less about the situation and more about the article - was that B was photographed and quoted in the article and isn't really able to give consent. It feels... uncomfortable.

[Michelle]

I am ok with this because of the many reasons listed above - most notably because if she has advanced stage Alzheimer's, she doesn't really realize what is going on. As long as he is attentive and she isn't just shut away somewhere, and his girlfriend respects and honors that and steps aside for those moments, it's their business.

However, if she had something like MS or ALS where her body was declining but her mind was sharp, I'd be first in line with the haterade.