Obviously there is a huge range, but I'm curious where the norm is.
Are they super hands on and engaging? Or if not, helpful around the house? Or do they expect your 15 month old to cuddle the whole time, ask if you can go to lunch, and make off hand political quips? The latter is hypothetical of course.
My mother, who I have a complicated relationship with, is actually a wonderful nana to DS. She babysits one Saturday night a month and seems to truly enjoy engaging him in play and conversation.
My in-laws live 3.5 hours away and visit every few months, including this past weekend. They sit on my couch and play on their phones and talk incessantly about politics. They do not engage DS, unless its to take a photo to put on facebook where they pretend to be doting grandparents. They are however, very involved grandparents to my 11 year old niece, who live local to them. They are more parents than grandparents with her, she is at their house everyday (my SIL is a single working mom).
My dad isn't a kid person. If I asked him to build DS a castle in our yard he would, but just doesn't really engage with kids.
Post by countthestars on Feb 13, 2019 14:43:46 GMT -5
Our moms are both great with the kids once they turn 3 or so. MIL loved cuddling babies but only on her own terms and my mom is not a baby lover so she was more hands off. Neither of our moms was super helpful around our house when we had newborns. If anything, they'd hold the baby and sit on the couch. My dad is also not very hands on and definitely doesn't volunteer to do anything. Will hold a baby if asked. Makes off hand political comments.
My mom is great and very hands-on with the kids. She watches my older one occasion but never offers to take both of them and I don't push her to, though I wish she would.
My stepdad doesn't seem to like kids so I avoid them being around him as much as possible.
We only see my dad once or twice a year and he's just kind of awkward around them. He doesn't seem to like young kids much either, despite having had 3 of them.
Visiting MIL with the kids makes me super on-edge. She tends to make snide comments about their hair, behavior, and/or abilities (like commenting on my 1-year-old not being potty-trained), and sometimes engages with them but more often ignores them. ETA: we also video chat with MIL regularly which tends to go better.
Post by icedcoffee on Feb 13, 2019 14:51:10 GMT -5
My mom who lives 4 hours away is very hands on. When she's in town I literally don't have to do anything for DS. She'll do it all and DS really loves her. My Dad would do anything for DS if it was an emergency, but he's not big on babies so he lets my mom handle it. I'm sure when DS is older he'll tinker in the garage with him, fix his bike, etc. DS loved watching my dad replace a ceiling fan a few weeks ago and my dad loved having an audience.
My IL's and I have a complicated relationship. They live 15 minutes away and never really reach out to see DS. They have come over to our house less than a handful of times since he was born 2+ years ago and it's always been for things like a birthday party, etc. so they don't really see DS for longer than a couple hours once a month. They're fine with him, but DS doesn't really know them as well. When they came over last weekend (super rare!) my DS kept calling them the names my mom and dad go by (thankfully they didn't pick up on it because they're not in english, but....that should be a good sign you don't engage often enough).
My parents are super helpful. They stay over one night a week always and help me with pick ups / drops offs. DH is not home 2-3 nights a week so that’s why they stay over. They help shuttle kids to activities and my mom always cooks when they stay over. They live a little over an hour away and often babysit in the evenings when needed. Both get down and play with my younger son and my dad reads with my older son, will take him to the tech museum on the weekend - stuff like that. My mom will do bathtime. My kids have a really good relationship with them and their lives are definitely integrated.
Edit: we live a 3 hour flight from MIL (FIL has passed). She’s not really hands on and likes to questions my parenting decisions (or has strong opinions. She’s fine in spurts.
My Mom is great - hands on with the kids, does what we ask discipline wise, cooks. She's a great grandma. I wish she lived closer! My Dad is also great, and will do what we ask, though he just is busy and isn't around much. He mostly just has the kids follow him around while he fixes stuff or does his chores lol. He's not really into kid stuff.
My in-laws have both passed, but MIL was very much someone who wanted to sit and read books with DS1 and he never wanted to do that and I think it made her mad. But she didn't really try to engage in another way even with suggestions. She retired though and moved 90 miles to watch BIL's son when he was born. I know she loved DS1 as well, just had funny ways of showing it. FIL passed away before we had kids, but I think he would have just loved them to pieces.
My mom missed her calling as a preschool teacher. She's super hands on with my kids and watches them while I work 3 days a week. She teaches them lots of things, plays with them, and knows their routines. My dad loves them and plays with them when he's around, but he doesn't see them much (he's working when my mom is with them).
My FIL is...different. He doesn't make much effort to see the kids, but when he does see them, he does play with them. The only problem is he never says no and sets no boundaries, so my daughter likes to boss him around and treat him like he's one of her friends rather than with the respect I'd like to see her offer an adult. As I'm saying that, I'm realizing she might treat him *worse* than her friends because she doesn't boss them around. If I hear something, I admonish her, but I do feel like some of it is on him to set some boundaries. And, I prefer to let my H handle it, if at all possible.
My MIL is super helpful. She’s an hour away so we don’t see her tons but she keeps DD for a long weekend several times a year and comes to her events. She gives DD her undivided attention and DD adores her. She’s getting up there in age though so she can’t help as much as she’d like.
My mom is not as involved. She has her own routine and she won’t waiver from it. She was more into helping when DD was a baby. She is not as comfortable around older kids. She will help in an emergency situation and likes doing things with DD but only if I’m there, too. DD is much more guarded around my mom.
She doesn’t know either of her grandads very well at all. So no they aren’t helpful.
My parents are headed on vacation with my siblings despite not meeting my baby yet and they do not have a trip planned to meet her in the foreseeable future. This vacation was planned after her birth. So, we expect 0 help ever..
Of DD's four grandparents, we've had the total gamut.
My mom died when she was 5m, and was so sick during their time together that it's not really fair to say. I think she would've been helpful if she could've. But I have vivid memories of the Christmas Hobbes was 6w, spending the whole holiday locked away upstairs because I was basically temporarily EPing so my mom could give bottles. She loved doing it. I was so lonely! But while I was willing to BF in front of family, pumping is another story. I'm grateful that they got time together, but helping was not so much on the menu.
FIL enjoys seeing DD, but he didn't do much of the kid-wrangling with his own kids, and isn't so much starting now with the grandkids. Concepts like firm bedtimes, etc., are pretty lost here. Politics also strain our relationship at times, because he is very in my face about his republican leanings, asking questions about current events like "don't you think that..." (No.)
My dad is just starting to become kid-helpful now that DD is PTed. We have left her alone with him for short periods. He is really helpful with house projects, dogs, and cooking though, babies just are not his jam. I expect he'll become more actively engaged as she gets older.
MIL is helpful when we can get her. She's recently retired and spends a lot of her time helping BIL/SIL (who are 5 mins away, to our 40 mins away). She is the muscle behind DD's grandparent weekend visits so we can sometimes go away, she can pick up DD at preschool, has a carseat in her car (we installed it, but it gets enough use to justify having), all that kind of stuff.
We're really lucky that my parents are so great with DD and have been since she was born. They live about 5 minutes away and come by as often as possible to spend time with her/invite us over often. They are pretty social people but as long as we plan ahead they are always down for watching DD. Seriously, we're really lucky. They love to come over and help with dinner/bath/bedtime, they play great with her and always follow whatever we're doing with her. My step-mom was also so awesome during my maternity leave. I could continue to gush because they are awesome grandparents. I will say that DD is their only local grandkid and they love kids so she does get to be the focus of all their attention, haha!
DH and I are both estranged from our moms and DH's dad is older and not in great health. He only recently held DD for the first time because he's nervous about it, but he's sweet with her the few times we all get together with his side of the family. He did tell his dad that he can come over whenever to visit, but I think his dad just waits for an invitation.
All that to say is that we have both ends of the spectrum.
My mom is the only living grandparent. She lives 30 minutes away and (even before we had DD) rarely comes to visit ... we have to go to her. She came to our house on her own after DD was born and brought food, and she came to visit and brought food after DD came home from being in the hospital with RSV for a few days (and visited us in the hospital both times as well), but other than that she doesn't ask to come out and visit.
She'll watch DD at her house whenever we ask (unless she's completely unavailable) but she doesn't make the offer first.
DD likes her a lot and is learning to say "Nanny" now. She also likes my sister a lot - my sister will watch her when we ask and has come to our house a few times upon request to watch DD. My brother lives an hour away now and barely knows her and DD is scared of him :/
Both MH and I only have our moms left, his dad passed almost ten years ago and mine two years ago. We make sure we make time to see both of them at least once a month but that means we have to go visit them. Or it's usually that my mom is staying over at our house for a holiday or doctor's appointment that I have to take her to. They unfortunately have limitations so they cannot watch BB on their own. If we are around, it's fine and they both engage with her well so there is that.
BB loves them both and enjoys seeing them. We make sure we also talk about her grandfathers often enough so that she knows who they were and that they loved (or would have loved) her a lot.
My parents are great. They watched C two days a week for her entire life until she started school. Now they take her overnight at least once a month and help out with 1/2 days, snow days, etc.
My FIL lives 500 miles away. He is still a good grandpa. He's driven up for every one of C's birthday parties so far. He gets gifts for Chiristmas (actually he asks me to buy them and he sends a check). Now that she is pretty much self-sufficient, he's happy to watch her a few hours while we go out when we are down visiting. He randomly puts money into her college account. This past Christmas we were visiting and C told him about a big event at her school - Grandparent's Tea. He immediately put the date on his calendar to drive the 500 miles to be here for it.
Post by steamboat185 on Feb 13, 2019 15:25:23 GMT -5
Both sets of grandparents live across the country and neither is helpful when they are around. Last time we went for a visit we ended up watching our two and my niece so my parents could go to a party (We were staying at their house and they had my niece over for the night).
Post by hopecounts on Feb 13, 2019 15:26:13 GMT -5
My ILs are great. FIL not so much with babies but once DD hit about 3 he became more involved. He takes her shopping and to play at the park, that kind of stuff.
I assume he’ll do the same with the baby. He will hold him or watch him for me to do something if we are at their house (or he is at ours) and he helps MIL babysit but he’s not a baby guy.
MIL is all around awesome, she babysits plans outings for her and DD (movies or dinner together for example)
She keeps the baby when her schedule allows for me to do stuff.
She coos and goos and holds the baby and feeds and changes him when she is around which gives me a break.
My parents are older and my mom especially is getting too tired to keep up with the kids due to some health stuff. She can handle holding the baby and giving bottles and changing diapers.
But between her high energy and her autism my Mom struggles with my daughter since they only see her every other month or so. Mom has a really hard time letting go of her need to direct Dd’s play and structure DD’s activities which really doesn’t work with her. That’s what they do at school because she has to follow along so she resists and avoids Mom since she just wants to play at home.
I’ve explained this 100 times to Mom but she but doesn’t get it ehich frustrates me.
I tell her if she’s just sit back and follow DD’s lead DD would invite her to join her and they could bond.
She will babysit which gives us a break. She just hasn’t connected with DD since she just won’t stop obsessing about making DD approach play the way Mom wants her to.
Total spectrum of grandparent styles over here (none are local to us, so small doses helps...). DH's mom pretends to really care about the kids, but when we spend time with her she barely pays attention to them and wants to talk about her divorce from 30+ years ago. My step-MIL (who has never had kids) is probably the best at being a just a grandparent in that she doesn't try to co-parent with us. My mom is suuuuper helpful around the house when she's here. And pretty great with the kids...but she tries to discipline the kids alongside us and it's never productive. DH's dad is an ass--calls my kid a 'cry baby' and tells him to 'be a man'--DH actually shouted him out of our kitchen last visit. Probably not the best reaction, but we're kind done with his BS. My step-dad, who mostly spends time on his phone and occasionally engages is somehow BELOVED. So he gets points for that for no reason at all.
My parents are amazing. They watch C five days a week while I'm at work. My mom is a retired preschool teacher and my dad is a mall Santa (literally) so to say they have fun together is an understatement. I am very careful not to take advantage though. We don't ask for night and weekend babysitting, even though they would do it in a second.
My ILs are good when they're around, especially as C gets older and they can play with her more. We don't ask them to watch C without us though. The first time we came home to the baby gate wide open and C at the top of the stairs. The second time they let C go across the street to play with their neighbor's kid totally alone. She was barely two at the time.
Post by Velar Fricative on Feb 13, 2019 15:33:41 GMT -5
My mom lives in an hour away, which is not far but I'd love for her to live around the corner from us or something because she is a doting grandparent and loves to clean my house too lol. My ILs live 30 minutes away and they're about to take the girls for a week starting on Friday while DH and I leave the country for our anniversary trip, so they are great too. I would say my mom most enjoys babies and toddlers and my grandparents most enjoy school-age kids based on their interests and experiences, but they're great with any age. My ILs generally like us coming to them but happily visit us too, and we mostly visit my mom because she doesn't feel comfortable driving long distances so she won't come down unless my brother (who lives up where she lives) comes down too.
They love trying to cuddle with the kids but they're also smart enough to know the days of them cuddling all the time are long gone...
My ILs and my mom are awesome with kids. My ILs live local, so they're very hands on, help out with childcare, take E1 for overnights, etc. Once E2 is born, MIL will be super helpful, make food, clean house, all that. My mom would be more hands on except she lives a 9 hour car ride away. Mom will also visit after baby is born, same thing. She's very hands on with my sister's kids. FIL is the literal baby whisperer. He loves babies, babies love him. He was awesome when E1 was a colicky newborn. I love having the 3 of them as grandparents to my children.
My stepmom prefers kids once they're older but she's surprisingly good with babies. Surprising because she's never had kids, never wanted them for herself, all that.
My dad and stepdad are better with older kids, like upper elementary and older. They're not great though, and my dad is kind of an asshole.
DS goes over to my parents one full day and usually another afternoon a week. Occasionally they watch him other times if we need it. They are about 15 minutes away. My mom and I have a rocky relationship, but she is good with DS.
MIL used to come over about once a month to see DS until she passed away last year. FIL doesn't make an effort to see DS, now or before MIL died.
My mom (and sometimes my dad too) watched DD once a week at our house and will have both kids when I go back to work in a few weeks. They don’t do things the way I would ideally want them to, but they love spending time with them. They are the only grandkids and they always offer to watch them more whenever we need. They don’t really do anything else helpful around the house though.
My MIL sees the kids less often and I think is a little more timid and possibly self conscious, but she is very well meaning and great with the kids. She is also much more helpful around the house when she visits even though she is local so it’s not like her visits are long or overnight or anything. She’ll load the dishes or fold laundry unprompted. She doesn’t offer to watch the kids but that might be because she knows I’m (unreasonably) anxious about leaving them at night.
Post by sunflower17 on Feb 13, 2019 15:51:08 GMT -5
I’m glad to see this post because I’m a bit frustrated in this department. My mom is a 4 hour drive away and not very helpful in my opinion. When she comes, she brings her fiancé and her tiny yappy dog and turns my peaceful, quiet home into a land of chaos. Now that Dd is 12 m and very squirmy, cruising and crawling and needs to be watched like a hawk, my mom doesn’t seem into it. She wants to hold her and read to her etc. My mom will feed her/change her/do bedtime if I ask or if I’m going out. My mom does not help me cook, clean, straighten up, bathe dd etc. It is frustrating that she is not proactive. I also feel uncomfortable to leave Dd overnight (in her non-childproofed house which is what my mom would like) and have never done so. I think it will be better when Dd is walking and talking and like 2 or 3.
ETA- I’m struggling with feeling of guilt about the way that I feel about my mom. I’m annoyed by her, but she’s not a bad person..just a very difficult “me-centric” type of person.
My MIL has yet to meet her grandkids 🤷🏻♀️There would be too many political comments for me to handle without exploding.
My parents are very helpful though. My mom is totally fine with doing everything with them. My dad won’t change diapers. They spend alone time with the girls almost every week (their choice - we are at work).
My parents are amazing. They live about 10 minutes from us for 9 months of the year and they help with school pick ups, babysit when necessary and really engage the boys. If they come round to me, we will cook dinner together, my dad will help me with tasks around the house etc.
After DH died, my dad really became DS1's 'person'. THat's who he shares things with most and looks up to which is wonderful. My mum used to be a primary school teacher so she's really good at engaging them in productive play (loves playing games with them etc) but also knows when to let them chill.
My in-laws are not at all helpful, and no longer welcome in our life. They like to demand hugs, and whine when my kid had no desire to hug them. They also liked to criticize the drawings DS gave them (as a 2 yr old!), saying they were too small. 🙄 DS’s name for my MIL is “that lady who sometimes gives me apples” LOL
My mom has always been great and hands on with my son. She is more interactive and patient than I am! We see her at least once a week, (we live a 5 minute walk away) and she is our go-to babysitter. She is taking a week off to cover DS’s school vacation while I’m trapped under my brand new 1 month old, and I’m so excited to have her help that week!
My dad is not great with babies at all, but is more hands on now that DS is older. He loves taking him to the playground, and playing sports with him. He’s also great at writing checks, and pays for DS’s school tuition and sports fees, which is a huge help!
My mom, on paper, should be an amazing mother and grandmother. She's not. Her visits are purely driven by the need for grandkid pictures on FB or some sort of bragging rights. When she's around, she does not actually interact with the kids or take interest in their interests. I've never let her babysit, but I think I'll let her once DS is in K next fall if she wants to pick him up a day during the week. I don't think she could be too terrible for just an hour a week now that DS would be mostly sufficient.
My dad would have been the most amazing grandfather. He was so looking forward to it & was the most attentive dad. We were super close since my mom was such a hands off mom all growing up. Unfortunately, dementia has stolen his ability to participate in my kids lives the way he would have wanted. I bring the kids to visit weekly at his nursing home and he's happy to see them, but I'm unsure if he knows they are his grandkids. He still knows me and seems to be happy I'm there. And I bring them with me and I'm happy... so he seems to go along with the happy too, though when asked if they're his grandkids, he says no.
My ILs are kind of hot and cold. They babysit, but will complain. But if I ask someone else to babysit and not them... then they complain. They are older, so less hands on, but will try in other ways to be attentive, stocking the kids favorite snacks or picking up a pack of stickers with their favorite characters. They are snowbirds and have flown south for the winter. They've been gone over a month and have only asked to Facetime once, so the kids seem to be a bit out of sight, out of mind for them.
On the other hand, my Godparents (aunt & uncle) have always been like parents to me and they have been amazing as almost grandparents to my kids. We vacation together, they beg to babysit, they're always picking up clothes or toys for the kids (which is a little annoying, but mostly sweet). If they babysit at my house, it's guaranteed my laundry will be done, food will be made, toys picked up. It's the perfect combination of helpful without being suffocating. She facetimes with the kids when she goes a week without seeing them & misses them. She has their favorite TV shows DVR'd at her house, just incase they stop by. I take mental notes for when I'm the grandmother some day, because she's mastered it.
Post by estrellita on Feb 13, 2019 16:34:36 GMT -5
My parents very rarely come to our house unless it's a birthday party or something. In that case my mom and sister are both super helpful. When we visit their house (we spend the night a lot), my mom is pretty hands on. She feeds the kids, cleans them up, changes diapers, even gives them baths sometimes. They babysit when we go out down by them and took E for a long weekend when I was in a wedding. My dad pretty much just yells at them for touching all the things he won't move out of their reach..
My ILs come over occasionally since they live closer but usually it's to babysit or come help with something (FIL helping fix a car and MIL comes to see the kids). They babysit overnight at their house maybe an average of once a month or so. They're both disabled so we try not to rely on them too much, but they are almost always willing to take the kids when we need it!
Post by minionkevin on Feb 13, 2019 16:36:30 GMT -5
My mom is awesome. She watches my kids at my house 3 days/week, she does their laundry and sometimes my/H’s laundry if I am behind, generally tidies after the kids, bathes them, and picks Kid1 up from preschool 1 day/week. If DH travels for work, she usually stays with us overnight. My dad has physical limitations that lead to him not coming to my house much, but when the kids stay at my parents’ house he is very hands on. My kids talk to my dad every day on our Echo Show. My MIL passed away when Kid2 was 8m and Kid1 was 2.5. Before she got sick she watched Kid1 1 day/week. I miss her a lot even if we didn’t get along all that well when she was alive due to her horrifically passive aggressive nature. FIL doesn’t change diapers but now that Kid1 is potty trained she has stayed at his house overnight. He is generally out of touch and his mere existence annoys me greatly. FIL favors Kid1, but Kid2 is obsessed with him, so I get majorly peeved at him not giving my kids equal attention.