@ Another teen question - Poll

[themoneytree]

Do you allow your teenager to have a phone/ iPad/ laptop in their room overnight?

I am gaining a 14 year old step daughter who will be moving in soon. She got into trouble with social media over a year ago and got kicked off her cheer team which was a big consequence for her.
I don’t know of any issues since and she says she isn’t on much social media now.

Her mom has no rules regarding phone/ electronic use. Her Dad does but she fights it.

I would love to know what other people with teens allow.

[isabel]

I don't have teens, but I don't see us letting them have their devices in their rooms overnight. It's not so much a trust issue for me as, 1) it's not good sleep hygiene, and 2) you really don't need to forgo sleep because you're stuck on a device and having a hard time putting it down.

DH's aunt and uncle don't allow devices in any bedroom overnight. They all keep their phones on the kitchen counter downstairs.

[joenali]

I have a 15 year stepson. He’s not on social media. When he’s over here he doesn’t really have phone/video game rules. He takes his phone to his room and plays video games in the basement. He’s pretty responsible, gets good grades, has a weekend reffing job and has shown us he’s responsible with his things. At this point he doesn’t need any restrictions for phone and video game use. Of course If things change we would address as needed. We do look at his phone with his permission on occasion.

[katfco]

She doesn’t have a phone yet, but we don’t allow them to have any screens in their rooms.

[waverly]

We don’t have teens but we have a no media in the bedroom rule. At the younger ages this more relates to TVs in the bedroom or iPads. Our kids don’t have access to iPads on a regular basis. Next year the school will issue a laptop DS can take home and it will follow the same rule.

[daisyn]

I said yes, but my son has no social media apps or internet browsers. He can basically text or call with limited apps for school so there’s not much of a reason to take it away.

[themoneytree]

May 25, 2019 21:39:02 GMT -5 spearmintleaf said:

My bio kid will have limits on her screen usage at night.

I feel that it is beyond my reach as a step parent to enforce that kind of thing. Certain things I just don’t touch. My DH doesn’t take phones so I don’t either. I’d stay way out of it, to preserve the relationship with your new stepkid. Step relationships rupture much more easily than bio relationships, unfortunately.

I hear you on this but does it not seem really unfair to bio kid for there to be one set of rules for her and a completely different set of rules for SD?
There’s a big age gap which I think helps that argument, but it still concerns me. I don’t know - I don’t want to alienate her, but she’s in a bit of trouble at school and I’d love to see her get some better sleep.
She’s insanely smart but failing a couple of classes. I spent last weekend helping her with some of the work she was behind on but sometimes it’s hard to know what is helping and what is making things worse.

I’m going to try and step back from the issue and let her Dad handle it but I’m still very interested in the comments/ advice and poll results!

[themoneytree]

May 25, 2019 21:44:08 GMT -5 spearmintleaf said:

Also congrats on joining the club! We will need to have another stepmother venting thread soon.

I’m a bit scared to be honest. As someone who grew up with not one but two evil stepmothers I would really prefer not to fill that role for another kid.

[flamingeaux]

Maybe you could help negotiate an agreement between SD and your H so that she feels she had some say in the policy. Maybe she can have it for longer on non-school nights than she does right now, or there can be a slightly looser policy if she meets certain standards for school work and home life.

[lolalolalola]

In a perfect world I would not allow DD her phone in her bedroom period. However, she does her homework in there, she listens to music and she does a mediation app before bed. It’s just not realistic for us.

We have screen time enabled so what she can do on her phone after 9 pm is limited to music and headspace. She also has a computer which we have parental controls on as well so WiFi is not functional after 9:00.

[Captain Serious]

My older son has difficulty sleeping without music, and uses his phone to access Spotify at night. There are no other electronics in their rooms at night.

They know that if they get caught with them (or if my older son uses his phone for anything other than Spotify at night), they will lose their access indefinitely. They also know I have access to all their social media, video, and texting accounts, and can check their usage at any time. They also have to hand their electronic devices to us whenever we ask, so we can check their usage and insure they haven't added anything we don't otherwise know about.

[devonpow]

DS1 is 12 and doesn’t have a phone or any social media yet, but he is getting one for his 13th birthday. The rule will be no phones in his room overnight and WiFi is cut off at a certain time - 10 pm etc. We will continue to reevaluate as he gets older. 90% of his homework is on the computer/submitted online so I’m guessing the WiFi rule won’t always be able to hold, but we will see

[calmcosmo]

I’m not going to touch the stepparent dynamic in my response but know that I understand that is a tough place to enforce boundaries from.

No teenager should have electronics in their room at night period.

I’m a school counselor and just had a training about internet crimes as they relate to kids a few weeks ago. The detective who gave us the course described giving tweens and teens unbridled smart phone access to be like giving a brand new driver keys to a Ferrari.

Kids are still learning how to navigate relationships and boundaries. Worst case scenario (like a teen being lured into a relationship that is dangerous) is fairly unlikely but even on the best case scenario kids aren’t communicating well online. Soooo much of the drama I handle at work is on Snapchat and insta and text. These kids are not mature enough to handle it. Shoot, adults aren’t either.

Also - sleep! Kids need sleep. And if she’s on her phone dealing with the latest school drama she won’t be sleeping.

I just think this is a no brainer. Set the boundaries (have your husband set them) from day 1. Once you let her do it it will feel like a punishment to take the “privilege”. Get a central charging station. If you can - set a good example and have everyone drop off electronics in the central area before bed.

[pinkalicious]

May 25, 2019 21:52:58 GMT -5 themoneytree said:

May 25, 2019 21:44:08 GMT -5 spearmintleaf said:

Also congrats on joining the club! We will need to have another stepmother venting thread soon.

I’m a bit scared to be honest. As someone who grew up with not one but two evil stepmothers I would really prefer not to fill that role for another kid.

I have no experience with stepparents, but I have to imagine it’s not easy to be one. I was going to give all my ideas on how to not be an evil stepmother, but I can’t due to lack of experience. I would venture to guess you might be on the right path because she actually let you help her with stuff last weekend.
How old is she? Can you take her to lunch or dinner and have a conversation with her about how she sees your role? What you can do to have a good relationship with her? Obviously only to help you decide how to navigate the relationship. I don’t know, maybe that’s a dumb idea?

[erbear]

I teach middle school. That's one thing that has been very clear to me - devices stay plugged in downstairs at night.

[savan]

I have a 12 year old who doesn't have a phone yet, but access to other devices (iPod touch, iPad). The no electronics in the room is hard because he is dyslexic and uses the devices for audiobooks. I have them locked down at night. WIFI is turned off by 7 p.m. (and they only get 1 hour a day otherwise) and screen time shuts down all apps but cloud library after 9:00 p.m.. He can lie in bed and listen to books until he falls asleep but that's it.

[jenna]

No screens in the bedrooms. My 18 year old *just* got a smart phone. Now, he can have his phone in his room.

[closertofine]

Mine are too young, but we will have a central docking station, probably in my room. I also teach middle and high school, and I cannot count how many kids have told me or that I have overheard say that it's just easier to let their parents think they don't have any social media. Dozens upon dozens. Anyway, sleep is my hill to die on, so no electronics in their rooms at night, period.

[Shreddingbetty]

We raised my ex’ nieces. They did not have smart phones until their last year of high school. So they had their phone (no phone at all until 8th grade) but texting was turned off so they only had it to use as an alarm. No laptops or tablets at all. They used the desktop. Their phone privileges (as in times they were allowed to use it) were increased over time as long as they did well in school and were ready on time every day in the morning. Their senior year they got laptops and they were allowed to have this in the rooms and no more restrictions on the phone. Had their grades sufffered or they were not able to get up and be ready in the morning those privileges would have been revoked. But they managed them well.
At 14 I would say no screens of any kind in the bedroom after bedtime

[sugarbear]

No devices in my kids' rooms at night. I mean, never say never and all, but no. I might reconsider when they are juniors in high school, assuming they are still good kids. My middle school students come in exhausted from watching Netflix all night, amped up over overnight drama, quitting sports left and right because they'd rather play video games.

[CurlyQ284]

May 25, 2019 21:44:08 GMT -5 spearmintleaf said:

Also congrats on joining the club! We will need to have another stepmother venting thread soon.

Can we do this really soon?
I am steamed at the moment! Grrrr!

Anyway, I would not think it's a good idea especially since she got in trouble with social media, as did my SD but my opinion was not welcome in our situation and 3 years later she didnt repeat her mistake (that I know of). So it could turn out fine is what I'm trying to say.

I try to take multiple steps back in our situation, my son does/will have different rules and that doesn't bother me. What bothers me more is seeing DH get on him for things he let slide with SD1 and it drives me nuts. I really really need that vent thread lol

[lostrn]

My kid isn't a teen yet but does have a smart phone. He charges it in his room overnight and uses it for his alarm clock in the mornings. we have control over many aspects via Norton and Google family link, so we have a "bedtime" set, he can only use it for a certain amount of time per day, etc. I think if we didn't have that control we might have different rules in place.

[kooshball]

16 yr old has her phone in her room but it’s locked down at 10pm. She’s a straight a student. Not having her phone would probably be better but not something worth fighting about right now.

[themoneytree]

May 26, 2019 6:39:03 GMT -5 Captain Serious said:

My older son has difficulty sleeping without music, and uses his phone to access Spotify at night. There are no other electronics in their rooms at night.

They know that if they get caught with them (or if my older son uses his phone for anything other than Spotify at night), they will lose their access indefinitely. They also know I have access to all their social media, video, and texting accounts, and can check their usage at any time. They also have to hand their electronic devices to us whenever we ask, so we can check their usage and insure they haven't added anything we don't otherwise know about.

She says she can’t sleep without tv or music. I was thinking about maybe an old iPod with no WiFi capability?

[joenali]

May 25, 2019 21:34:48 GMT -5 joenali said:

I have a 15 year stepson. He’s not on social media. When he’s over here he doesn’t really have phone/video game rules. He takes his phone to his room and plays video games in the basement. He’s pretty responsible, gets good grades, has a weekend reffing job and has shown us he’s responsible with his things. At this point he doesn’t need any restrictions for phone and video game use. Of course If things change we would address as needed. We do look at his phone with his permission on occasion.

ETA: My ss is only with us every other weekend. If he were here during the school week I think our expectations would be different.

[lolalolalola]

May 27, 2019 8:57:29 GMT -5 themoneytree said:

May 26, 2019 6:39:03 GMT -5 Captain Serious said:

My older son has difficulty sleeping without music, and uses his phone to access Spotify at night. There are no other electronics in their rooms at night.

They know that if they get caught with them (or if my older son uses his phone for anything other than Spotify at night), they will lose their access indefinitely. They also know I have access to all their social media, video, and texting accounts, and can check their usage at any time. They also have to hand their electronic devices to us whenever we ask, so we can check their usage and insure they haven't added anything we don't otherwise know about.

She says she can’t sleep without tv or music. I was thinking about maybe an old iPod with no WiFi capability?

if it’s an iPhone, have a look at her screen time settings. This may resolve your concerns.

[themoneytree]

May 27, 2019 14:05:41 GMT -5 lolalolalola said:

May 27, 2019 8:57:29 GMT -5 themoneytree said:

She says she can’t sleep without tv or music. I was thinking about maybe an old iPod with no WiFi capability?

if it’s an iPhone, have a look at her screen time settings. This may resolve your concerns.

Can you explain this a bit more? What am I looking for?

Edit: ok I’ve been in and done a 5 minute test. I see how apps and internet are frozen but it still allows texts and Facetime calls.

Any thoughts on those? This is much better than nothing, but having texts and calls enabled doesn’t seem as comprehensive as I would like. Have you been able to control the text and Facetime capabilities?
Thanks so much for this - if we can refine it a bit this might be a perfect compromise to allow access to her music but not the other stuff.

[themoneytree]

May 26, 2019 10:56:29 GMT -5 pinkalicious said:

May 25, 2019 21:52:58 GMT -5 themoneytree said:

I’m a bit scared to be honest. As someone who grew up with not one but two evil stepmothers I would really prefer not to fill that role for another kid.

I have no experience with stepparents, but I have to imagine it’s not easy to be one. I was going to give all my ideas on how to not be an evil stepmother, but I can’t due to lack of experience. I would venture to guess you might be on the right path because she actually let you help her with stuff last weekend.
How old is she? Can you take her to lunch or dinner and have a conversation with her about how she sees your role? What you can do to have a good relationship with her? Obviously only to help you decide how to navigate the relationship. I don’t know, maybe that’s a dumb idea?

I have tried really really hard over the past couple of years to get to know her on an authentic basis. The kid is difficult but she’s been through a lot and has a TON of amazing qualities. I really like her actually and would love to have a close relationship.

I take her out periodically just the two of us or just the two kids and me. It goes well I think but she she really doesn’t like talking about heavy subjects with me which is tricky for me as I have no time for small talk and like to talk things through.

I think (?) that she recognizes that I want her to be successful and happy which is at least a start?

I have brought up the role thing very recently, but haven’t really asked her outright. I am really afraid that she will feel disloyal to her Mom if she says she wants me to be like a parent. I feel she does though.

[sweetchix]

DDs are allowed to bring them up at night, but DD1’s iPad shuts down all apps between 10pm-7am. She has to send a request for more time to my phone. I generally only allow more time if she’s having a sleepover and they want to play on tik tok (yes, I monitor her profile and videos). DD2 does not have an iPad and they are limited on their phones. Neither DD has any social media accounts, ie facebook, Instagram, Snapchat...

[Queen Mamadala]

Yes, we do. But the internet is turned off on their electronics at 10:00 pm. The girls don't really bother with social media. They aren't the most social, to begin with, and have yet to develop an interest.