Anxiety? PTSD? CEP Abortion related (trigger?)

[theoverlander]

All this abortion talk in the news is freaking me the fuck out and bringing up old, horrible feelings.

I had an abortion 9 years ago next month. Here’s the deal: I got pregnant and happily pushed the first “big” ultrasound (12ish weeks) as far as possible assuming everything would be great and we could maybe even get a guess at the sex of the baby.

Things were not great. Things were bad. The baby had missing appendages. Suspected amniotic band syndrome, that according to the dr could continue to slice the baby as it grew. My husband and I made the EXTREMELY difficult decision to terminate. But we had to wait 2 more weeks for another ultrasound to confirm.

So when I finally had the abortion I was into my 2nd trimester and it was horrible mentally for me. I was fucked up and diagnosed with PTSD after the doctor (not my regular one) described how the abortion would take place. The word “piecemeal” pushed me right over the fucking edge.

Over the past 9 years I’ve gotten better. Therapy didn’t help, time did. But now that all this shit is in the news constantly it’s... all coming back? I don’t even know how to describe it. I’m constantly on edge, feeling like I’m crawling out of my skin. It’s hard to breathe sometimes (like right now as I type this all out to a board full of strangers, ha). Just knowing how horrible it was for me, and thinking about what all these women in other states have to deal with... fuck.

I think I need some help. Meds? Anti anxiety? I don’t think I’m depressed so I guess antidepressants won’t help. Therapy did absolutely nothing for me before. Are anti anxiety meds something you take regularly or when you feel like you are about to have a panic attack? I have an appointment set up with my regular doctor next month, I’m just trying to educate myself before I go in.

[kaybee85]

I don't have advice, but I'm so sorry about your experience and the news bringing it all back.

[mrsukyankee]

I would still consider therapy - you may not have had a good therapist or the right type of therapy at the time. You might not have been ready for therapy and you are now. I'd look for someone who has worked with trauma and does either CBT/ACT or EMDR. I'm so sorry that you are going through all of this - you will not be alone in having the news right now bringing up old stuff (it's definitely having an impact on therapists clientele all over the world).

[JayhawkGirl]

No advice, just love and support of your decision and for you through these hard reminders.

[anonymous]

I’m so sorry you are going through this. I’m also very sorry for all you went through. My daughter experienced a major trauma and around the anniversary I go off the deep edge. Huge ups and downs and feel out of control. A therapist recommended emergency for me. I know I need to do it but I haven’t. But might be good to look into so you’re not triggered by all this bs in the news. I found that the blasey-ford story really did a number on me.

May I ask if you used to post on the bump back then. I ask because there was a woman with a very similar story when I was pregnant and if you are that person , I wanted to tell you that I have thought of you a lot over the years.

[WOT?*]

I just want to give you hugs. I am so very sorry. Please reconsider therapy. Msukyankee gave some great advice about finding a different therapist and/or type of therapy.

[Deleted]

I am so sorry, both for your pregnancy loss and your current distress. I did not experience a loss, but all of this abortion news has increased my anxiety and even contributed to some brief periods of depressive feelings.

1) Meds. There are two kinds of meds. Although known as antidepressants, there are some daily meds that can be effective at lowering overall anxiety levels. The recommended treatment for PTSD is an SSRI. (I’m on Lexapro, and it’s been relatively effective at reducing the frequency and intensity of my intrusive thoughts.) There are also meds you only take when you are experiencing acute anxiety or panic symptoms (for me it’s Xanax but there are other options). The goal is usually to get symptoms sufficiently under control with daily meds in order to reduce or even eliminate the need for the fast acting meds.

2) Therapy. I recommend seeking out a therapist who does EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing). It is a treatment specifically for PTSD. It’s a little weird, but it has been shown to be effective. You can look online at Psychology Today for therapists who do it.

3) To the extent you can, limit your information intake about this stuff as a measure of self-protection. I don’t mean hide your head in the sand or ignore the news. Just really try to take a self-care approach to the information you actively consume. Example: I am a podcast addict, but I have been deleting all episodes that specifically focus on abortion. I know the facts of what is happening, and I may catch 3 minutes of an update in an NPR podcast. But I am not listening to or reading a bunch of analysis or anecdotes because the anxiety inducing effects more than offset any good I get.

4) Know that you are not alone. A lot of women who have been through all manner of experiences are also really angry and stressed and anxious and depressed right now. Hugs.

[readyin07]

I am so sorry all these fucking assholes are doing this to you and to other women across the country. I cannot imagine how triggering this is for you.

The only thing I might offer is maybe a group situation with women who have had the same types of experiences might help you. Either in real life or a Facebook or online group. I feel like I remember that baby center used to have a board for termination for medical reasons. Sending you warm thoughts.

[penguingrrl]

I have no advice, but wanted to send hugs.

[lessel]

Hugs. I'm experiencing a touch of the same thing, but you're in it deeper and you have all my sympathies for that. We had to TFMR at 13w and I was re-traumatized about a week after the procedure when I received an email with the pathology report because of a hospital error. It was a few years ago and I would pretty regularly go a week or so without really thinking about the whole situation, and now I relive pieces of the experience every goddamn day these days. You are not alone.

So many hugs.

[winecat]

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I'm going to also recommend trauma specific therapy. I went to talk therapy for a different trauma and it wasn't much help. As the years went by, I was still struggling a pretty significant amount. Someone from my local board reached out and recommended trauma specific therapy. It was a life changer for me.

[Jalapeñomel]

I'm so sorry all of this, so many hugs. I hope you can find peace with your decision.

[centralsquare]

I am so sorry. I am right there with you. I spent a day in bed after the Georgia law passed bc I just. Could. Not.

I also terminated for medical reasons in 2014 when I was 38, had a baby, and then another TFMR in 2016. It was traumatic AF. I have since had another baby, after almost two years of IVF. The stark truth is, I would not have my daughters if I hadn’t had access to abortion.

I had easy, non-punitive access to abortion care. I share your distress about women having to fight and be shamed for their reproductive choices.

My anxiety, which I wasn’t diagnosed with until after I had my daughter, has been majorly triggered with all this (even more than my general state since November 2016.)

Things that have helped me:

1. Therapy. Find someone who specializes in pregnancy loss.

2. Daily anti-anxiety meds

3. “Emergency” fast-acting meds

4. Forcing myself to turn off the news and do something nourishing. Bake. Draw. Get outside. Read a book.

5. Exercise and eating well.

Lastly, can you take a day or two off? Let yourself sleep and wallow a bit? Sometimes I just need to cry and let it out.

I am so sorry. I’d be happy to talk privately/offline about this if you ever want. Although I could also see a support thread here, if anyone is interested. Many of us are going through this right now.

Big hugs.

[Deleted]

May 30, 2019 7:07:00 GMT -5 winecat said:

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I'm going to also recommend trauma specific therapy. I went to talk therapy for a different trauma and it wasn't much help. As the years went by, I was still struggling a pretty significant amount. Someone from my local board reached out and recommended trauma specific therapy. It was a life changer for me.

My first therapist focuses on perinatal/postpartum/IF mental health. But she treated me like a case of standard PPA. It helped some, I guess. But getting actual trauma-focused therapy has been a game-changer.

[redheadbaker]

Hugs, OP. I'm right there with you. I had a D&E at 19 weeks due to my water breaking, the doctors called it "inevitable loss." They sedated me, so I was pretty zoned out, and just grieved the loss afterwards. I went to a psychologist, but it didn't really help. I went to a psychiatrist, and was diagnosed with major depressive disorder a few months after (I've dealt with depression symptoms since my teen years).

But with all the abortion talk in the news lately, and "pro-life" people making very graphic comments about the D&E procedure everywhere on social media, and my own mother-in-law making "abortion is murder" comments (knowing that I had an abortion), has had a major effect on my mood lately. I'm on ADs, but they don't seem to be working anymore.

I don't have any advice, but just wanted you to know you're not alone.

[erbear]

I'm so sorry. What a difficult experience and I'm sorry that it's coming up again for you.

I think PTSD can be managed with a combination of specific therapy designed for it, plus SSRIs. You can see your doc, and they should be able to get you into the right treatment.

Take care of yourself 

[theoverlander]

May 30, 2019 2:30:51 GMT -5 anonymous said:

I’m so sorry you are going through this. I’m also very sorry for all you went through. My daughter experienced a major trauma and around the anniversary I go off the deep edge. Huge ups and downs and feel out of control. A therapist recommended emergency for me. I know I need to do it but I haven’t. But might be good to look into so you’re not triggered by all this bs in the news. I found that the blasey-ford story really did a number on me.

May I ask if you used to post on the bump back then. I ask because there was a woman with a very similar story when I was pregnant and if you are that person , I wanted to tell you that I have thought of you a lot over the years.

I did post on the bump back then. As much crap as that website gets, there really were some supportive people.

[mbcdefg]

I have no advice, but I wish you peace <3

[Velar Fricative]

I'm so sorry. This news cycle has been horrible.

I too terminated for medical reasons at 21 weeks back in May of 2015. I did not experience PTSD so I cannot speak to what would be best, and will defer to all of the great advice offered here regarding medication, therapy, and overall self-care. I will say that even though therapy did not work before, it may work now, with a different therapist. I know you are meeting with your regular doctor soon, but do you work outside of the home? If so, does your company provide an EAP of some sort? I decided I needed therapy for anxiety about a month ago so I went through my EAP and it's been a super smooth and successful process so far (I get up to a certain amount of free sessions and then I'll go through my insurance if I need more).

Hugs. You have a supportive group of people here so lean on us anytime, and I wish you well.

[raangoli]

I’m so sorry. You’ve received some great advice in this thread that I would echo.

Much love and peace to you.

[aurora]

I'm so sorry you have to endure all of this, and I hope you feel better soon.

[calamity]

I also recommend EMDR, and offer you huge hugs. This is a seriously fucked up world we live in. ((hugs))

[Deleted]

Sending you hugs and hope you find the support you need. I also had a challenging first pregnancy, where it was non-viable but the doctors insisted on waiting until the heartbeat had ended before allowing a d&c; it took almost 4 weeks. This was in 2008. NY just updated their laws THIS YEAR to be compliant with Roe vs Wade, and I would not have been in that situation. It is truly a mindfuck to realize how restrictive abortion is when it is clearly medically needed, and seeing how that option is narrowing.

Good luck with your appointment, and getting to a better place.

[jamaicam]

I hope you are able to find peace.

[muffin0]

I am so sorry.

I take anti depressants for my anxiety. They have helped. I don’t feel so stressed, anxious, ready to blow up. (Lexapro and Wellbutrin)

I wouldn’t rule out therapy as things have changed, there are so many different methods of therapy.

I am so sorry and so pissed at that dr for you.

[NewOrleans]

I am so, so sorry you endured such a loss and now have to hear it continually re-hashed. So terribly sorry.

All of you.

[lust2hart]

I'm so sorry. Sending you huge hugs through the internet.

[loira]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I had a TFMR at 24 weeks, and it has left me with mild PTSD and anxiety. I am so sorry you had a doctor who was so insensitive. Abortion rights and access was one of the main reasons I ultimately refused to live in the US, although it would have been better for my H's career. That might seem melodramatic, but like you I felt trapped and on edge the few months I tried living there (despite meeting some very nice people). It is an intensely personal topic for us.

PPs have already given you good advice about some ways to help yourself. I'll echo them and add that if you ever need or want to talk, feel free to PM me.

[bella427]

Hugs to you. As someone with PTSD who also recently had it come raging back after I thought I had "dealt" with it, I highly recommend EMDR.

[followyourarrow]

I'm so sorry.

11 years ago we found no heart beat at 17 weeks, ultimately we found out it was Down Syndrome. I lived in western Kansas and my only hospital was a Catholic hospital. They wouldn't do a D&E. My options were to go to George Tiller's clinic 2 1/2 hrs from home, or be induced. I wasn't up for the protesters or the travel so I was induced, of course on the maternity floor. I'm still angry those were my only options. The news lately has really triggered my anger and anxiety. I hate that even more options are being taken away. I'm furious with pro-lifers who approach me thinking my experience should make me pro-life, no, it has made more extremely pro choice, women should have options, good options. I'm on Lexapro and it worked for many years, but it's not working at the moment, I need to contact my dr, I just don't have the energy to deal.