Mine right now is crippling anxiety. I’m trying to make a game plan, but it feels like I’m being paralyzed by the anxiety right now. Here’s my most recent example. On Thursday of last week one of our AGCs sent a 2 line email asking if I or another attorney knew of a lawyer who had done work for our company some years ago. I responded that yes, he’d done work for me. Not a lot, but I gave her which case he’d worked on.
Innocent enough, right? Nope. In my head, I created this alternative universe where he had filed papers in another case that were in conflict, he was claiming I had approved a conflict waiver (which btw I have never done in my whole career), and I was getting fired for something I didn’t do. I knew logically that 1) the case I was convinced he’d filed something in isn’t at a stage where anyone is filing anything, 2) this guy and his firm wouldn’t do that to our company, which is a big client, 3) my GC would have my back, and 4) it was far more likely she was trying to find an expert to hire. And indeed, on Monday, she asked if I liked working with the guy and asked me if I would think of other people she could get to come pitch because she values my input.
I need to stop this insanity. I have to start meditating regularly again. I need to start taking melatonin again so I sleep, and I need to work in exercise. But what am I actually doing? Nothing.
mommyatty, does therapy or medication help? I know DH's therapist recommended float therapy- it doesn't seem for me. He also gets massages, which I think help. But the melatonin, I feel you because I need it to sleep, and I bought the wrong kind and tossed and turned all last night. Going out to buy the correct one today.
I don't really know what my biggest challenge is to be honest. I get anxiety sometimes but not the same way. Some of it is hormonal, and some of it is based on if DH gets upset or if his job is not going well, so I think it is based more on reality rather than making up a story in my mind. Not to say I don't make up worst case scenario stuff, but I know that is what I am doing and can move on from it.
A very temporary thing, but I think my biggest challenge is this camping vacation because my dad and sister are driving me nuts. And then dad is coming to our house followed by my SIL. So I just need to get through all the family stuff, and then we can start getting ready for school to start.
1. I would like to move up another level. All of my reports are great. People say I am great. I am looking to consolidate all community education programs under me. So far I have move 2 programs and 3 people under me and have stepped up to the accreditation team, which is mostly senior management. But promotion, nope, not yet. Bureaucracy man.... I have went to HR, they have no power, but are looking into prompting the powers that be. I have also talked to a colleague that is daily involved with the work of our director. She is of the same mind, and he has been asking for input on the agency organization, so maybe. Anything her takes months and years. Geez.
2. Getting DD to high school. She has been practicing with the high school team for months. She talks to no one, except the 2 people she knows, who are not even going to be in her grade. She will be new to the school, not coming in from the feeder middle schools. A lot of familiar faces for her, but not close friends. I have a vision of her with her terrified look (she has one and it is pretty noticeable), cowering in the lunchroom, by herself, and everyone wondering what is wrong with her. It doesn't help that DS loudly declares that he can't help her, because everyone is going to think she is weird. We have tried role play, giving her things to say to others, playing volleyball with the main goal to just meet people and she still talks to no one. We find out tomorrow if she makes the team. That will really kill her confidence if she doesn't make it.
(It doesn't help that we get a lot of pressure to send to the private, Catholic school. Some of the parents are pretty snotty and cliquey when you don't choose to go. We didn't because of lack of opportunity in studies and because she needs to get out there in the world and not be secluded in another very small school. I am sure she would make the vball team there.)
My biggest challenge right now is figuring out how to date without letting my anxiety get the best of me. I flip flop between enjoying the actual date and the bit of back and forth flirting and then crippling anxiety analyzing every move I've made after the fact.
For example, have been on four dates with this one guy. Dates have all been positive. He told me he wants to keep seeing me. He has talked about future plans with me for later in the summer. But he sucks at responding to texts, which makes me then spiral with terrible thoughts about how I've screwed up, he doesn't actually want to see me, etc. I just keep assuming that he's playing me, even though no signs point that way. I swear, it's like I have some kind of PTSD from ExH and all the gas lighting over the years.
I need to figure out how to be more chill and just let things unfold naturally. But if there's no plan, I lose my mind.
Post by supertrooper1 on Jul 16, 2019 10:54:49 GMT -5
I have two big challenges right now.
One being my new job. I'm four months in and still feel lost most days. I am usually a fast learner, but there is so much to this job that it can be overwhelming. If I get a problem I don't know how to solve and my trainer isn't in the office to help, I will almost shut down and not try to solve the problem on my own. I just need to give it time. All of my coworkers say it takes a year or more to feel comfortable and even then there are things to learn everyday.
Number two is my divorce. Our attorneys are battling it out right now with the finances. I am so much more happier now being out of my marriage, but STBXH's anxiety still affects me. He will spiral and send me emails about DS and how I'm not being a good mom. (The last one was because I put shelving up in my laundry room to use as a pantry? And that bugged DS? WTF?). Or his anxiety will cause anxiety in DS. I just need to get our divorce processed and I think we will both be in a much better place. We will still have to work together to be great parents and hopefully that will get easier as time goes on.
Post by traveltheworld on Jul 16, 2019 11:30:19 GMT -5
mommyatty, in terms of anxiety - does it help if you work out, in detail, a back-up plan? I know for me, it's really important to know that if I get fired, I can always go back to my old firm and/or another company. I do coffees/lunches with partners at my old firm and other prospective employers at least twice a year, just so that I know I have options. With my personality, I always plan for the worst.
My biggest challenge right now is DH being unemployed. I feel an enormous amount of guilt. We moved cities to advance my career, and the harder it is for him to get a job here, the worst I feel. From a financial perspective, DH could be a SAHD; but he doesn't want to, and I don't want him to start feeling resentful.
I'm sending all of you struggling with anxiety, divorce, job loss, and other major challenges good thoughts!
No challenges for me currently on those levels. More run of the mill stuff like my older kids fighting with each other constantly, whether I'll be able to have another kid (cycles currently not cooperating - no way to get pregnant with a 9-day luteal phase...), wanting to lose some weight, etc.
Post by mustardseed2007 on Jul 16, 2019 11:51:49 GMT -5
I have lots of problems that I'm ignoring and I don't feel like writing about them b/c I'm ignoring them.
A really big big challenge right now is figuring out how to get my department going in the right direction. When we lost our GC it obviously hit us hard. I want to reassign some jobs. Some jobs are being reassigned by upper management. I want to have less paper and use more technology.
I'm bringing in a temp to help us organize the paper. I'm going to do a review of our employees positions and figuring out what needs to be adjusted. And I'm going to be looking at software to help us organize certain files that have deadlines need tracking.
mommyatty - I did notice that when I was taking melatonin to sleep, my anxiety became exponentially worse. I started having panic attacks. A crushing feeling in my chest that would take my breath away. Dr. Google says that while some people see improvement in their anxiety symptoms while taking melatonin, others see an increase. Just and FYI and something to keep an eye on.
I have noticed CBD helps me somewhat with sleep and anxiety. Not all the way better, but incremental improvement. I recommend it if it’s legal for you.
I have 2 big challenges - my anxiety and DD1. And these 2 are creating a third challenge - my marriage.
I don’t sleep. I spiral. Every single night. About working/not working, DD1, DD2, DH, money, friends if lack thereof. This make every day a challenge. I have not figured out a solution there. CBD helps. For my regular day to day, I’ve started seeing a therapist, and she is helping me tremendously. She listens, which is half of it for me, but she also gives me real, actionable advice. But we are just scratching the surface of the mess that is me.
For DD1, I’ve found a new therapist. She has a short waiting list, so I’m hoping we can get in sooner than later. She is pretty no-nonsense, and I don’t believe DD1 can fool her like she did with the other therapist. Also, we are giving her zero leeway on her behavior. Do what you’re told. Argue? You’ve lost a privilege, AND you need to do what we said. Continue to argue? Banished to your room, loss of privilege, but first do what we told you to do. She’s not catching on as fast as I’d like.
For our marriage, I’m at a loss. I just don’t have any energy left. My very extroverted DH doesn’t understand my anxiety, especially because it has really only become a big issue over the past few years. When we met, it wasn’t an issue. So he’s confused by it. And he flat-out refuses counseling, so I’m kind of doing it for both of us.
I hate not having a plan. And I feel like I’m doing a lot, but that I’m spinning my wheels.
Post by HeartofCheese on Jul 16, 2019 12:36:05 GMT -5
Replying to all: anti-anxiety medication. I'm on the lowest dosage possible of Lexapro and it has picked me up out of the last 14 years of stress and worry that has been reinforced over and over again for years, and put me back to the last time I felt like me. It has removed the barriers causing me to feel that I would ever be able to appear in a courtroom, talk to new people, or even just return a damn phone call instead of send an email. I'm calmer and more patient with my kids, I think more clearly having to navigate my ex-husband (the human landmine), I don't wake up panicking at 3am with nightsweats, and I'm just fucking happier. Seriously. Lowest dosage. Temporary. Cheap with insurance. There is no downside whatsoever.
Count me in for anxiety too. Thank the lord I’m on summer break but when we get back I already have some pretty heavy stuff work wise Im walking into.
My plan was meds and therapy but unfortunately I did experience the side effect of weight gain. I went back on meds (Zoloft) April 2018 and my weight crept up through the summer, saw the doctor, focused on nutrition, saw the dr again in Oct. Got bloodwork, thyroid check, (all fine) kept creeping up...switched to lexapro. The scale kept on climbing. By January 2019 I was up 24 lbs. I tapered off for 7 weeks on a plan by my doctor-that was rough! Brain zaps.
I’m now down 14 lbs and have 10 to go. The anxiety I’m managing w healthy habits and CBT stuff.
I definitely saw the benefit of the meds, for sure. But the cost outweighed it, for me. This doesn’t usually happen, I don’t think. I don’t want to sway anyone AT ALL bc I think meds are amazing and life changing. This was just my most recent experience. (And not like any experience I’d had in the past.)
So now I’m working on some body issues. I’m zeroing in on health in order to prepare myself for my first consult for my tummy tuck in December 2019. I’d like to have those 10 lbs gone by then. I’m excited about these changes, and ultimately I’m really proud of myself bc I know I’m doing everything I can do about it, the right way.
I feel extremely frustrated and angry and I have no idea what is causing this. Little things bug me way too much and trying to fix things just seems exhausting. Normally when I feel like this I find if I can throw myself into a good book and just loose myself in the pages that when I finish reading coming back to the real world isn't as bad. That didn't work last night if anything finishing my book upset me more because then the disastrous house and everything just came flooding back full force and I wasn't refreshed to deal with it. DH did try to help clean up which resulted in him interrupting my reading half a dozen times. All he was doing was unloading the dishwasher and loading up the dirty dinner dishes.
DD isn't going to be happy with me Saturday but our girls day is going to be turned into house cleaning overall day. DH is going off with the neighbor ATV riding since DD has a b-day party to go to (DH will be gone all day and the swim party isn't until 4) which is also bugging me because hey maybe I want a "me day" or help dealing with stuff.
I tried a 12.5mg dose of Zoloft and I was a total and complete mess. I quartered a 50mg pill. I had nausea, insomnia, insane dreams. I could not get out of bed in the morning. Or I would get up, shower, and climb back into bed. And then the panic attacks started. And the weight gain. And it never came off.
I’m so, so terrified to try something else, so I’ve been trying to manage in other ways. But I probably should consider it...
I think mine is manageable without meds, but I do have episodes triggered mostly by DH's issues. When I took Lexapro it made me itch, so obviously I was allergic to it. Someone told me to take benedryl with it. No thanks, once I get into managing side effects with other meds, I am out. I have Prozac for PMDD but I only have to take it 1-2 days a month and lately not any as my PMDD has improved.
Sometimes I wonder if it is less us and more of a reaction to modern life/ stress. I always had mild anxiety think stomach aches as a kid or nightmares. But I never really had subclinical or clinical levels until I had kids or from the PMDD (hormone induced) or in the case of wrangling babies and toddlers- situation induced.
Post by covergirl82 on Jul 16, 2019 14:29:12 GMT -5
I have started taking a few drops of CBD (isolate, because they do random drug testing at work, so I can't get the CBDs with THC) under my tongue shortly before bed at night, and I feel it has helped me sleep better. I had been struggling with a 1-2 hour period of insomnia almost every night.
My anxiety is 3/4 who I am and 1/4 my place of work. As much as I love what I do and what my company does, our culture and I are not a good fit. There’s a ton of backstabbing and meanness and just general nastiness. Then cherry on top is the micromanagement and finger-pointing and risk-aversion.
traveltheworld has a good point. I would feel much better with a back-up plan. To that end, I’m having someone rejigger my resume so I can start applying for new jobs. Sometimes the devil you don’t know is actually preferable to the devil you do know.
mommyatty, I have some financial anxiety from DH's job instability, and I think he has some anxiety around it too, but not necessarily financial more professional. Having an emergency fund helps, but not as much as I would like. I am lucky in that my work is a pretty nurturing environment. But I love plans. I have back up plans for my back up plans.
mommyatty - working out helped me with that kind of work environment. And in general. Plus HerKare. I have virtually no anxiety between those two things and I used to spend a TON of time spinning in my head.
My thing is - I am just overwhelmed. Three kids plus career - it is possible. But three kids plus career with spouse who doesn’t always pull his weight? Makes it harder. It’s things like this - why do I have to do everything? Like - DH took DD for ice cream and she dropped it on the way in last night. It’s still there on the front walk - he sent her in to shower and left it there - a million things like this add up - W T F?
Post by greenmonkey1 on Jul 16, 2019 17:48:41 GMT -5
My biggest challenge right now is getting DH to take more of an active role in the family. I manage everything and I am just mentally (and physically) exhausted. DH focuses on himself, his job, and his hobbies (working out and reading/talking with friends about political news). I manage or outsource 99% of the physical and mental load for the family/house. It was like this when I worked FT and it is the same now that I SAH. Honestly, I think it is worse now that I SAH because I get absolutely zero breaks until the kids are asleep (3 kids under 7 years).
Part of the issue is DH's job is all consuming - he is self-employed and needs a new job. DH will say he needs a new job, but he won't look for or apply for jobs. I'll send him postings and he'll miss the deadline. His job situation makes it hard for me to get back in the workforce because everything kid/house related falls to me, which is hard to manage and work FT. But there is nothing I can do to solve the problem because I cannot change his job situation and he seems unable/unwilling/un-something to try and change the situation. In the end, his lack of involvement is really wearing on me and our marriage.
mae0111, I could have written the same thing about my H! He's extroverted. I'm very introverted and getting more so with age. He doesn't get my only idea of fun after a crazy busy/social.weeken is a glass of wine and a book. If only he'd get that.....I'm sure we'd have more sex!
My biggest source of anxiety is planning a girls trip with two high school friends. We graduated 23 years ago and haven't seen much of each other for the past 12 years. One wants to put plans for a trip on hold I definitely. She miscarried last month and just doesn't want to commit to anything..... It's hard to have how the other friend is feeling. She has a small baby that she's a bit anxious about leaving for a weekend. I'd love to do something fun with her as she's an amazing person, yet I don't want to be pushy. Any advice would help.
My biggest challenge my marriage. My husband had a stroke 3 years ago. But our marriage was on a bad place before that. He had wanted to separate. He decided then to stay but had a couple of emotional affairs. Last year we separated for a month and then he wanted to come home. Not sure that was the best idea. He made all these promises to work on it but we can't really even talk. He shuts down when I talk, shuts me out. There isn't any affection for me anymore but yet he loves me. So he says. We haven't had sex in years. Part of that is the stroke, but he doesn't even seem to care. The only hugs I get is in bed before he goes to sleep.
I am on Lexapro mainly to deal with anxiety surrounding his health and my resentment at not really having a voice anymore. I really have given up that part of my life. Just keep the peace. Sometimes it boils over. But mostly I keep it to myself. I tried talking to counselors but we never get anywhere because I am not going to leave him.
My biggest challenge right now is my self esteem due to my weight. I can't seem to loose weight at all. Even with working out and eating right.
It seems shallow, but it is affecting my sex life and my ability to feel confident which is affecting my marriage and my relationship with my family.
I have been honest with my husband about it and he empathizes, but tells me what I should to fix it and it doesn't work. I can't get him to get that.just because it works for him doesn't mean it will work for me :/
Post by erinshelley21 on Jul 16, 2019 21:45:14 GMT -5
My biggest challenge is I feel like I am doing the best I can and it's not enough. As a wife, mom, friend, employee. All of it.
DS and I have had a rough summer. I posted about his emotions and behavior a few months ago and it got worse for a few weeks. Limited exposure to older kids helped. He just never seems happy or even satisfied and is always wanting more: special trips, toys, tv, etc. DH is this way.
I've also been having meltdowns every month the week before my period. If it continues I am bringing it up at my annual. I really need to get back to eating right. I am exercising enough, but when my diet was cleaned up, I only knew when my period was coming by looking at the app on my phone or because it showed up. Those months were nice. You'd think that would be enough motivation but it has not been.
@dhlvrk2- It sounds like first friend doesn’t want to go.
Second friend- I don’t know. Does it have to be a weekend away or can it be a day thing? Not sure of your location.
I hate coordinating stuff like that which makes me not plan things. So you are a step ahead of me for trying. It just doesn’t always work out and that’s OK too. Maybe another time.
Luckily I have a friend that does planning stuff so we are doing our second girls weekend but without her I would have never been invited nor would the weekends happened. So no advice there.
Post by covergirl82 on Jul 17, 2019 7:02:59 GMT -5
Similar to erinshelley21, I just feel spread thin and I can't be the wife/mom/employee I want to be. For example, DS's birthday and birthday party is on Friday, and I just realized today we need to order his cake. Hopefully we can still order it tonight.