Formal address preferences (letters)

[aurora]

I was surprised to see an alumni list the other day that was targeted toward female graduates in my field that listed a lot of mailing address salutations as
"Mr. and Mrs. John Doe" - even for relatively recent grads. I understand that this is the traditional, formal salutation, but I'd be miffed if my alma mater sent me a letter addressed like that. It made me curious: how would you prefer your college or similar organization to address you (and your spouse, if relevant) in the mail? For example

Mr. John and Mrs. Jane Doe
Dr. Jane Doe and Mr. John Smith
Jane and John Smith

etc.

[Bernadine]

I would expect Ms. Jane Smith. Idk why they would also address something to my husband, unless I made a donation in both of our names? And I guess then I'd prefer John and Jane Smith. Or The Smiths.

[notsopicky]

Ms. Notsopicky LastName. Because why does it have to have my spouse's name on the damn thing in the first place. I am the graduate, not him.

[robinsbff]

Jul 31, 2019 14:02:00 GMT -5 notsopicky said:

Ms. Notsopicky LastName. Because why does it have to have my spouse's name on the damn thing in the first place. I am the graduate, not him.

yep, just like this.  to me only -- i wouldn't expect my DH to care or give money to my school, just like i'm not giving money to his.  

[casarosada]

Yeah, I'd be pretty peeved to get something that said "Mr. and Mrs. John Doe." I would recycle it and would not donate. If my husband didn't attend the same school...then I would expect it to just be to me. If we both attended the same school then I would expect to see both of our first names in the address.

[Susie]

We get joint mailings because we graduated from the same law school.  They have both of our names on separate lines:

Ms. Susie Derkins '07
Mr. Calvin Derkins '06
123 Street...

which is good with me -- saves paper over sending them to us separately.  That manner of addressing is the result after I ripped them a new one after we got married and they defaulted to merging my stuff with his and sending it all to his address of record, like obv the little wifey moved in with her H?  That address was my ILs' house, NO I DO NOT LIVE THERE, wtf.  Why make that assumption!?  I think they defaulted to a Mr. & Mrs. type of thing, and while I took H's last name I don't like using "Mrs." on anything professional or even semi-professional, and law school falls under that umbrella.  It's Ms., thanks.

On my undergrad stuff, it's just addressed to "Susie Derkins '04", no salutation.  H didn't go to school there so there is no reason for his name to be on the materials.

[isabel]

Jul 31, 2019 14:02:00 GMT -5 notsopicky said:

Ms. Notsopicky LastName. Because why does it have to have my spouse's name on the damn thing in the first place. I am the graduate, not him.

This. DH and I are both graduates of the same university, but I can't imagine how they would know we were married. Any mailings we've ever received have been addressed individually, not to both of us.

[penguingrrl]

I would expect Ms. Jane Smith. If it was truly something that involved both but was targeted at women then maybe Ms. Jane Smith and Mr. John Smith it simply Tge Smith’s. I loath Mr. and Mrs. hisfirstname and get outright insulted when someone uses it for me.

[Nonny]

My H and I graduated from the same school, in different years, and they send us mailings addressed to:

John Lastname and Nonny '01

So, they have his full name and not his graduation year, and my first name and my graduation year as if it's my last name.  I don't really understand WTF is going on with that.  They used to send alumni mails to him at our address and me at my parents address, and then a few years ago they figured out we were married somehow and merged them into this mess. 

But at least they don't refer to me as Mrs. John Lastname.  I would fucking cut someone.  I didn't take my H's first name damn it.

[downtoearth]

I would be pissed too. I get/got annoyed at that in the past. I don't even use Mrs. anymore since who cares if a woman is married or not - we can't tell if a man is married. Ane the few times I've had to do this, I usually put the female first.

I use Ms. FirstName and Mr. FirstName LastName if they have the same name.
I use Ms. FristName LastName and Mr. FirstName LastName if they don't.

[georgeglass]

We struggle with this at work. We get equal hate calls/mail from people offended that we did Mr. and Mrs. John Smith and those offended that we did Mr. John Smith and Ms. Jane Smith.

[PinkSquirrel]

My XH and I went to the same college. He took my last name when we got married. Mail would regularly get sent to Mr. and Mrs. XHfirstname My/ourlastname and on the inside would only list his name. These were general fundraising efforts, not directed at specific majors etc.

I got a degree at their school, graduated in half the time my xh did with significantly better grades and yet, I got completely erased when my own last name was being used. He took my last name, if you want to erase a first name of a graduate axe his because I was born with that last name and he absolutely didn't take my last name so I could be erased. I had to complain multiple times and ultimately had to yell at a dean before they figured out how to stop doing it. They still continued to list his name first. They have guaranteed they will never see a dime of my money.

I either use both people's full names or Mrs and Mr womensfirstname couplelastname. I do not and will not ever address mail without putting a woman's full name.

[pinkdutchtulips]

Ms. Jane Smith 

The only person who was allowed to address me as Mrs. Joe Jones was my 90something gpa but even he got with it and addressed me as Ms. Jane Smith Jones later on and since the divorce, he addresses me as Ms. Jane Smith. 

[jinkies]

Jul 31, 2019 14:43:30 GMT -5 georgeglass said:

We struggle with this at work. We get equal hate calls/mail from people offended that we did Mr. and Mrs. John Smith and those offended that we did Mr. John Smith and Ms. Jane Smith.

Yeah, we once got yelled at by an event attendee because we wrote his wife's placecard as "Ms" Jane Smith instead of "Mrs". 

We usually default to "John and Jane Smith" or "John Smith and Jane Doe" rather than use Mr/Mrs/Ms/Dr etc because we are dealing with a lot of different title and we thought it was better to delete the title entirely rather than run the risk of messing it up. 

[miniroller]

Jul 31, 2019 14:02:00 GMT -5 notsopicky said:

Ms. Notsopicky LastName. Because why does it have to have my spouse's name on the damn thing in the first place. I am the graduate, not him.

My H might even be (jokingly) offended, seeing as how we’re both from competing schools in The Big 10. Obviously, we consider the other’s our “second fave” (😉) but his school is his school & mine is solely MINE.

[moonriver]

I went through my recycles to find a recent mailing and it’s addressed to:
Mr. Firstname last name
Ms. Firstname maiden name

I’m confused how they have our most recent address, how they know we live together/are married, but why they don’t use my married last name. I don’t care, I just don’t know why they sent it like that. FWIW, my H and I graduated from the same college, in the same class.

[aurora]

Jul 31, 2019 15:23:29 GMT -5 jinkies said:

Jul 31, 2019 14:43:30 GMT -5 georgeglass said:

We struggle with this at work. We get equal hate calls/mail from people offended that we did Mr. and Mrs. John Smith and those offended that we did Mr. John Smith and Ms. Jane Smith.

Yeah, we once got yelled at by an event attendee because we wrote his wife's placecard as "Ms" Jane Smith instead of "Mrs". 

We usually default to "John and Jane Smith" or "John Smith and Jane Doe" rather than use Mr/Mrs/Ms/Dr etc because we are dealing with a lot of different title and we thought it was better to delete the title entirely rather than run the risk of messing it up. 

Was he of more senior age, at least? I remember talking about this stuff with my grandparents and they felt very differently than I.

[aurora]

Jul 31, 2019 14:43:30 GMT -5 georgeglass said:

We struggle with this at work. We get equal hate calls/mail from people offended that we did Mr. and Mrs. John Smith and those offended that we did Mr. John Smith and Ms. Jane Smith.

That is so strange to me that you get (plural) hate calls on both sides. I admit that mail addressed to Mr. and Mrs. His Names goes into the recycle bin, so obviously it annoys me, but definitely not enough to make a phone call! Just enough to remember forever and never make a donation...

[aurora]

I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one who is irritated by this.

[cattledogkisses]

H and I graduated from the same university so we get joint mailings. They don’t use salutations at all, just our names.

John Smith, ‘06
Jane Jones-Smith, ‘08

[Gato]

I prefer Ms.

That was the default for women’s titles at the last college where I worked.

[georgeglass]

Jul 31, 2019 17:00:59 GMT -5 aurora said:

Jul 31, 2019 14:43:30 GMT -5 georgeglass said:

We struggle with this at work. We get equal hate calls/mail from people offended that we did Mr. and Mrs. John Smith and those offended that we did Mr. John Smith and Ms. Jane Smith.

That is so strange to me that you get (plural) hate calls on both sides. I admit that mail addressed to Mr. and Mrs. His Names goes into the recycle bin, so obviously it annoys me, but definitely not enough to make a phone call! Just enough to remember forever and never make a donation...

We have to keep special notes on who wants to be addressed how. It’s exhausting.

[isabel]

Jul 31, 2019 14:52:27 GMT -5 PinkSquirrel said:

Mrs and Mr womensfirstname couplelastname.

I find this equally bizarre as addressing something to a woman under her husband's name.

My DH didn't take my first name. There's no reason anything should be addressed to him as Mr. isabel lastname.

[joy]

My husband and I went to the same college.

Our letters are addressed

Jay HisLastName
Joy HerLastName

[sarahsays]

My H and I graduated from the same university, and were married when enrolled there. They address things:

Mr. James Smith
Ms. Sarah Smith

For those of you wondering how the university knows your address and/or that your married. They either internet stalk you or pay another company to internet stalk you for them.

[StrawberryBlondie]

I prefer Ms. First Last but wouldn't be mad about Mrs. First Last.

More than anything, if my college sent anything to Mr. and Mrs. HisFirst Last I'd be really confused, since DH didn't even go to college in the same state as me, let alone the same school.

[Poppy]

We went to the same school and I freaking hate when they do

Mr and Mrs HisFirst Lastname. Hate. I feel like I've been erased.

I can deal with the salutation Mrs although I'd prefer Ms. But to drop my first name when I got two degrees there?! So insulting. It seems like lately they are addressing us separately on the same envelope, which is my first choice.

[AJL]

If I'm the alumna, then I'd want it addressed as:

Ms. Jane Doe and Mr. John Doe

If it was for my husband, I don't really care. 

When my sister was getting married, she insisted on addressing the wedding invitation to DH and me as:

Mr. John Smith and Ms. Jane Jones-Smith.  My married name is just Smith. I sent her the envelope corrected as "Mrs. John Smith." LOL! She was not pleased. 

[aurora]

Jul 31, 2019 17:43:51 GMT -5 isabel said:

Jul 31, 2019 14:52:27 GMT -5 PinkSquirrel said:

Mrs and Mr womensfirstname couplelastname.

I find this equally bizarre as addressing something to a woman under her husband's name.

My DH didn't take my first name. There's no reason anything should be addressed to him as Mr. isabel lastname.

I don't actually do this, but I think the value is in driving home the point that it's ridiculous to refer to a woman with her husband's name. I guess I'd see it as a last resort for someone who just wasn't getting the message in the rare case that it was necessary for them to do so.

[CallingAllAngels]

This is interesting because I just got something from my alma mater today addressed to:

Dr. MyFirst MyLast and Mr. HisFirst HisLast

(I don't have a doctorate, so I'm just going to assume they gave me an honorary). H didn't go to my alma mater, so I would prefer that he be left off. I think it's best to leave off titles.