Those that conceived via IVF....

[woowoo]

Have you and your partner discussed how you will talk to your IVF kid about how they were conceived?

This is brought to you by my effort (finally) to start filling out my 4 month old's baby book and there was a question about when and how we found out his gender and what our reaction was.  I wrote the truth, that we found out four months before he was put in my belly by the Dr.

But truthfully, we haven't discussed how much detail we'll go into with him.  Have you? 

I have a good friend whose 6 year old twins think that is the ONLY way babies are made (as of right now) LOL.  They frequently tell people that the Dr. put them in Mama's belly and then cut them out.  

[expatjen]

Haven’t really thought about *that* particular question, but I suppose it’ll come up at some point. Our first kid was conceived naturally - he’s 9. Our second kid is an IVF baby - she’s 2. We’ve just always told our 9 year old that babies grow inside a mom’s tummy and it happens when 2 people are married and love each other.
He hasn’t asked yet for specifics - thank goodness.

[knx9211]

We haven’t discussed it in detail but I personally would be happiest with discussing with him all of the different ways babies can be made and explain how his dad and I were unable to have him one way, so we did IVF. Obviously that’s a conversation for an older kid.

We’re very open with having done IVF. Even with people we don’t know that well. I’m personally very comfortable with it and it allows people who may be struggling to know they can come talk to me/us if they ever get into a similar spot.

[knx9211]

Also I feel like a dick that I keep only mentioning DS! Sorry, DD but you’re not technically here yet. Ha.

[pooh8402]

We ordered a book from Amazon that explains how babies are made in very generic terms. It doesn't use gender and it does not assume that babies are made in a hetero relationship using PnV sex. To paraphrase, it says that 3 things are needed to make a baby: a sperm, an egg, and a uterus. It says that not all bodies have sperm, not all bodies have eggs, and not all bodies have uteruses. It also even talks about babies being born vaginally or via c-section. So we got that when I got pregnant with E2, in case E1 had questions about it.

So far he hasn't asked much detail and I really tried to stick with "only answer the question that is asked" rule.

However, that being said, we do not plan to keep the boys' conceptions a secret. They will know that they were conceived with help and will eventually know that they have brother/sister embryos. As of this moment, we have 4 embryos frozen and are unsure what we will do with them. I imagine they will eventually be destroyed but we just don't know.

ETA: here is the book: What Makes a Baby www.amazon.com/dp/1609804856/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_qi8FDbXGYENXX

[cherryvalance]

We're very open about our treatments and we did the same in our baby book.

I personally really like the idea of telling our kids we wanted them so much, we took this path to have them, all of these people came together to make them happen, etc. They are miracles.

[thoseareradishes]

E was conceived via donor egg, so we discuss it with her. Nothing in detail yet; she's only 2.5 but I have a few times noted that Elmo's mommy doesn't look like him and maybe they needed help to have Elmo. That maybe a nice lady gave Elmo's mommy an egg and they put it in her belly and it grew into Elmo. It's something I want her always to have known, not something we sit down one day and talk about when she's older.

[boiler717]

We’ve always talked about it with him and other kids. He yells “that’s the building where I was made!” when we pass the REs office LOL.

[woowoo]

boiler717, goodness this is so funny!!!!

[pooh8402]

Sept 16, 2019 12:23:08 GMT -5 boiler717 said:

We’ve always talked about it with him and other kids. He yells “that’s the building where I was made!” when we pass the REs office LOL.

I wish I could do that. The building where E1 was made is 8 hours away. I do talk about the building where E2 was made.

[pandora89]

We havent really discussed/said anything to DS who is 16 months but probably could start talking to him about it soon. We are very open about having to do IVF so we generally talk to others/each other about it.

I dont think we will sit him down and have the discussion with him when IVF comes up on TV/movies/in conversation we will mention that that was how DS was conceived/came to us etc.

My RE's office is across the street from my work and I can see it from my desk, we have brought DS to a handful of appointments with us but have never told him that that's where he was made, maybe I will next time we go by! lol

[shauni27]

we have the same book that pooh8402 linked to and I cannot recommend it enough. For ANYONE! It is a great book that does gender out of pregnancy and it is really fucking awesome. Probably my favorite book on the subject.

I have not even thought about how we will talk about it, but there will be no secrecy (not implying anyone here would do that). I also did not put information about that in our baby book*.

*Note: our baby book was made for my son's first birthday. I spent HOURS making it. HOURS. But I still have not ordered it...it is just sitting in my shopping cart on Shutterfly. My son is now 2, lol.

[scm1011]

Sept 16, 2019 12:23:08 GMT -5 boiler717 said:

We’ve always talked about it with him and other kids. He yells “that’s the building where I was made!” when we pass the REs office LOL.

Legit LOL.

We are very open about our IVF journey IRL, so I think it will just always be part of their stories. I also have a pictures of them as embryos in both baby books. 

[bronxgirl]

That's been on my mind a lot. We haven't really talked to DD yet about conception/ birth etc. and I think part of my hesitation is that she was conceived through IUI and born via C-section, so I want to teach her the basics, but also add how that's not always how things work and share her experience.

[sillygoosegirl]

If you talk about it like it's normal, your kid will learn that it's normal. We answer all of DD's questions, but so far she hasn't asked how an egg gets fertilized, although she does know that it can be prevented and sometimes it requires a doctor's visit. We have talked to her about how she was born out of my vagina, but also that babies can be born by c-section, and that they can be adopted, because we want her to know that all of these exist and are normal ways for babies to come into families. I hadn't thought to talk to her about IVF, because that wasn't our experience, but I should when we get to that point. She has friends who were IVF babies, probably more of them than I know about.

[knx9211]

Also this just reminds me how shitty I am that I never filled out ANYTHING in DS’s baby book. It is practically empty.

[pandora89]

Sept 16, 2019 14:05:21 GMT -5 knx9211 said:

Also this just reminds me how shitty I am that I never filled out ANYTHING in DS’s baby book. It is practically empty.

At least you bought your kid a baby book lol, I dont even have one of those. 

[knx9211]

Sept 16, 2019 14:13:23 GMT -5 pandora89 said:

Sept 16, 2019 14:05:21 GMT -5 knx9211 said:

Also this just reminds me how shitty I am that I never filled out ANYTHING in DS’s baby book. It is practically empty.

At least you bought your kid a baby book lol, I dont even have one of those. 

I wish I could even say that, someone else bought it 🤣

“So when did P first do X?”
“Uh. I don’t know. I bet I have a video of it somewhere I’ll check the date once I find it.”

I more want to start keeping a journal NOW for all of the ridiculous and hilarious things that he says.

[kellikans]

I asked DH how we would talk to DS about it a long time ago. I don't know if it's something we would volunteer until he asks about it. Like, when he asks where babies come from, then we can explain the different ways and tell him he was conceived via IVF and his sister was conceived naturally. I wonder if there will be some sort of sibling rivalry? (can't think of a good word for it) between the 2 of them regarding who is better because they were conceived whatever way. You know, stupid kid competitions.

[pooh8402]

Sept 16, 2019 14:05:21 GMT -5 knx9211 said:

Also this just reminds me how shitty I am that I never filled out ANYTHING in DS’s baby book. It is practically empty.

E1's book is probably empty after 6 months. E2's is empty since... 3 months?

DH has essentially been keeping a video journal, making videos with his phone.

[woowoo]

kellikans, I can TOTALLY see this being a thing....maybe related to money? Like....we can't go to Disney twice a year because Mom and Dad had to pay for YOU.

I'm still pissed that I never got to go to sleep-away summer camp because my older sister did and freaked out after one day and my parents had to go get her - she ruined it for the rest of us. I still give her a hard time about it to this day!! And I pay for her kids to go to sleep-away summer camp every year because "I never got to go..." It's ridiculous really.

[isabel]

Sept 16, 2019 11:51:23 GMT -5 knx9211 said:

We haven’t discussed it in detail but I personally would be happiest with discussing with him all of the different ways babies can be made and explain how his dad and I were unable to have him one way, so we did IVF. Obviously that’s a conversation for an older kid.

We’re very open with having done IVF. Even with people we don’t know that well. I’m personally very comfortable with it and it allows people who may be struggling to know they can come talk to me/us if they ever get into a similar spot.

Neither of my kids were conceived via IVF, but DS1 (4) has already asked how babies get into the mom. We had a really basic scientific conversation about egg and sperm, but not about how the egg and sperm come together. I expect as he gets older and asks more questions, we will discuss all the ways people can build their families, be it through typical conception (sorry if there's a better term for this and I'm being offensive), IVF, adoption, etc.

[isabel]

Sept 16, 2019 14:13:23 GMT -5 pandora89 said:

Sept 16, 2019 14:05:21 GMT -5 knx9211 said:

Also this just reminds me how shitty I am that I never filled out ANYTHING in DS’s baby book. It is practically empty.

At least you bought your kid a baby book lol, I dont even have one of those. 

I've taken to taking screen shots of texts I send to friends/family about the funny things my kids do and saving them to my photos so they get backed up. I literally never filled out anything in their baby books. My cell phone is a digital baby book. lol

[seaturtle]

Wow, I haven't thought about this at all and H and I haven't discussed. Granted DS is only 10 months so we have plenty of time. I guess I agree with honesty and age-appropriate conversations, whatever they will be.

Has anyone had the conversation discussing remaining embryos? I still struggle with it and considering being OAD, I dont know how I'd articulate that to a toddler/child etc. (as in potential embryo siblings in a lab).

[konapoppy]

We will be open about it. There is some stigma because we have twins, but I don’t care. Probably around 40 people helped make and monitor these girls!

[Shreddingbetty]

My DD is 9 and I still haven’t done a baby book....I need to because she would like to have one

Haven’t really thought about how to discuss it with her but I imagine if and when the topic comes up I will just be truthful with her about. I am very open about having had to do IVF and there is no shame in having been conceived that way so I plan on just talking to her about it like a normal thing.

[lovelyshoes]

We are going to tell him when it’s age appropriate. My older son saw me go through the process, held my hand during shots.

[farmvillelover]

My kids are through ivf and fet, ages 7 and 4. We haven’t told them yet but will one day when they are older and can understand it. I tend to be pretty private about it, not sure why.

[Chrysanthemum]

Sept 16, 2019 19:30:22 GMT -5 lovelyshoes said:

We are going to tell him when it’s age appropriate. My older son saw me go through the process, held my hand during shots.

We just went through this, too.  I‘M pregnant with our 2nd IVF baby and our 2.5 year old “helped” daddy give me my shots some mornings.  We just explained that it was medicine for the baby.    We’ve also pointed out where the nice doctor works who helped mommy and daddy have him when we’re in that part of the city.

In the baby book, there was a question about how we first learned we were pregnant and I think I wrote something about how we’d wanted him for a long time and a doctor helped us have our miracle.  We also did some maternity pictures with a “worth the wait (and wait and wait and wait)” onesie.  

As ashamed as I felt sometimes during treatment, I am proud of his story now that it’s behind us and the pain has faded.

[latte]

I think that when DD (and hopefully future child/ren) asks, we will explain it to them in a way that is age appropriate. I like the idea of explaining all the different ways babies are made as well.