Evenings for working mamas

[icedcoffee]

This might just be a brain dump, but advice or commiseration would be great.

I hate the transition from work to home.  I'm totally fine at work and weekends where I am home all day are generally ok, but then I go do daycare pickup and inevitably the 3yo is being a little shit and making it impossible while the baby cries.  Then we get home and it's the same thing everyday.  3yo won't come in from the garage to the mud room and is running around touching dangerous lawn equipment or lawn chemicals, won't take off his shoes and jacket and is basically just being really annoying.  I go change my clothes while the baby screams in his car seat and my 3yo is inevitably having a tantrum while still wearing his shoes and jacket because he refuses to just listen and take that shit off.  So then I come back down and try to nurse the baby while the 3yo is still being annoying and my H cooks dinner.  Eventually, I turn to my H and suggest early dinner so we can get them to bed early.  This makes me sad because I only have like 90 minutes with my kids per day and I find myself wishing it away.

Also--while all of this is going on basically everything my H does annoys me (sometimes reasonably so, but often I'm being unreasonably short tempered).

And I'm sure much of the 3yo's behavior is related to him being excited to see us, but OMG.

Anyone else find coming home from work to be awful?  I find myself sitting in the car at daycare for a couple extra minutes preparing myself mentally.  UGH.

[steamboat185]

Coming home is typically the worst time of my day. There are so many bags- work bag, school bag, activity bag, grocery bags sometimes. Inevitably one kid is being difficult and the other one is off doing something they shouldn’t. Last night our 3 year old shut the garage while DH was bringing in the trash can (because she wouldn’t get out of the car). The 6 year old usually whines about watching TV and wanting snacks. And the dogs want pets and attention after being home all day.

[icedcoffee]

Jan 16, 2020 10:24:51 GMT -5 steamboat185 said:

Coming home is typically the worst time of my day. There are so many bags- work bag, school bag, activity bag, grocery bags sometimes. Inevitably one kid is being difficult and the other one is off doing something they shouldn’t. Last night our 3 year old shut the garage while DH was bringing in the trash can (because she wouldn’t get out of the car). The 6 year old usually whines about watching TV and wanting snacks. And the dogs want pets and attention after being home all day.

YESS---I meant to say that too.  THE BAGS!  So many bags and some requiring more immediate attention like unpacking my breastmilk/extra bottles and the poop covered underwear that seem to come home everyday.  So many bags!

And the whining!

[steamboat185]

Jan 16, 2020 10:27:55 GMT -5 icedcoffee said:

Jan 16, 2020 10:24:51 GMT -5 steamboat185 said:

Coming home is typically the worst time of my day. There are so many bags- work bag, school bag, activity bag, grocery bags sometimes. Inevitably one kid is being difficult and the other one is off doing something they shouldn’t. Last night our 3 year old shut the garage while DH was bringing in the trash can (because she wouldn’t get out of the car). The 6 year old usually whines about watching TV and wanting snacks. And the dogs want pets and attention after being home all day.

YESS---I meant to say that too.  THE BAGS!  So many bags and some requiring more immediate attention like unpacking my breastmilk/extra bottles and the poop covered underwear that seem to come home everyday.  So many bags!

And the whining!

We aren’t allowed to leave anything at the office, thank you flexible seating, so my work bag alone weights like 25 pounds with a laptop, water bottle, jabber headphone, cell phone, notebook, preferred pens, lunch etc. it’s so ridiculous. I also forgot my gym bag because what is one more?

[konapoppy]

It is so hard. Getting from daycare to the car seats alone is a struggle. Right now, we are both picking them up until they can actually listen and hold hands better.

Same struggle to get in the house from the car that you experience. I do have a trampoline, balance beam and tumbling mat, so I will direct them to get some energy out as needed. But sometimes we end up watching part of Sesame Street before dinner while one of us cooks 🤷🏻‍♀️

While one of us does bed time, the other deals with all the bags/dishes.

[icedcoffee]

Jan 16, 2020 10:33:20 GMT -5 steamboat185 said:

Jan 16, 2020 10:27:55 GMT -5 icedcoffee said:

YESS---I meant to say that too.  THE BAGS!  So many bags and some requiring more immediate attention like unpacking my breastmilk/extra bottles and the poop covered underwear that seem to come home everyday.  So many bags!

And the whining!

We aren’t allowed to leave anything at the office, thank you flexible seating, so my work bag alone weights like 25 pounds with a laptop, water bottle, jabber headphone, cell phone, notebook, preferred pens, lunch etc. it’s so ridiculous. I also forgot my gym bag because what is one more?

Bags was part of the reason I never got into a morning gym routine.  I already pack so much each day I could not wrap my head around also packing a gym bag.  

Ugh--flex seating stinks. 

[icedcoffee]

Jan 16, 2020 10:34:24 GMT -5 konapoppy said:

It is so hard. Getting from daycare to the car seats alone is a struggle. Right now, we are both picking them up until they can actually listen and hold hands better.

Same struggle to get in the house from the car that you experience. I do have a trampoline, balance beam and tumbling mat, so I will direct them to get some energy out as needed. But sometimes we end up watching part of Sesame Street before dinner while one of us cooks 🤷🏻‍♀️

While one of us does bed time, the other deals with all the bags/dishes.

It's the WORST.  I do not understand why he won't just go into the house.  And honestly, I'd be happy to go in and let him take his sweet ass time, but there's too much dangerous stuff in the garage.  Usually once we make it into the mudroom I basically give up and let him take 12 years to take off his jacket/shoes while I go do other things, but just getting into the house is infuriating.

[Patsy Baloney]

It is hard. We're fortunate in that we don't do daycare pickup, since my mom watches our kids either in our home or hers, depending on schedule, but it's still usually a disaster.

I get home, H gets home, kids tumble through the door (or have been tumbling in our house all afternoon), I get right to cooking dinner and DS baby whiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiines while DD asks me 900 times when dinner will be ready. And then hasn't done her homework. And then cries because she mistakes my being hella annoyed at having one more thing to do with being angry with her.

We eat dinner and DS whiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiines and eats and whiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiines and eats in his high chair and DD wolfs everything down so she can "dance" on the linoleum floor in the kitchen while the adults finish dinner. AND EVERY NIGHT KIDS TAKE A BATH AT 6:45 BUT SURE WE NEVER DO THIS PLEASE THROW A FIT BECAUSE I TOLD YOU TO GO BRUSH YOUR TEETH AND GET READY FOR BATH TIME.

Bottles, books, lotion, jammies, lullabies, whining, crying, it's just so much.

For the past 3 years I've missed 1-2 nights at home each week because I've been getting my masters. This is my last semester before I graduate. I'll miss you most, night I don't have to hear, "BUT MOOOOOM!!!!!" 900 times.

[dock]

I really hate a lot of transition times. The things that minimize the pain for me are

-Little snacks in the car for my big kid so dinner isn’t so urgent (and it usually eases tension a little)
-Cooking a day ahead- DS often eats leftovers from the night before, so it just has to be reheated. Sometimes we make our dinner and eat after bedtime, other times we all eat leftovers so we can eat together and cook for the next night after bedtime.

I haven’t found a way to make the bags less painful. It’s hard enough just going through DS’ backpack and making sure his homework etc is all done and I know what’s happening at school. So much packing and unpacking. Ugh.

ETA also this is kind of silly/probably doesn’t help much, but I put my comfy pants in the bathroom in the morning , so when I’m inevitably going pee as soon as I get home, I simultaneously change my pants. One less stop? lol

[Mrs.flang]

Yes! My little one doesn't want to be set down at all and usually wants to nurse right when we walk through the door. I try to get dinner at least started right away. But it's pretty hectic and loud the entire evening until at least bath time.

Since my office switched to jeans I don't feel the immediate rush to change out of work slacks and nicer clothes so that has helped a bunch actually. More than you would think!

[icedcoffee]

Oh--also...wtf does my kid need to pee every damn night while we are half way through dinner and he's covered in some sort of sauce?

[dottyblue]

Evenings are rough, but I'll give you hope. It gets better as they get older!

My 4 and 7 year old come home and are allowed to do whatever they want for 45 minutes after school; TV, toys, read, play outside. They have been "on" all day at that point and if we push them into anything other than having free space, they typically melt down. Once they have had that down time, they can act like human beings again.

[minniemouse]

Hugs. It gets much better when they are older, but then instead of coming home you’re running to activities...😩. I work from home now, but worked in an office when they were little. Now my evenings are rush to sign off the computer, throw a snack at them and rush them into the car. Dinner is so late these days that it bumps right up to bedtime.
Can you give your 3 year old a job? Make a big deal out of it and praise when done. I would definitely make carrying a bag and helping out stuff away one job, then reward after.
I clearly remember how much the evenings sucked when the my kids were the ages of your kids- hang in there!

[nicolewi]

Those are tough ages for the transition. I'm home now, but when I was working, I would get home and nurse the baby while I put on a show for the old kid (mine are all two years apart). Maybe give the 3 year old a little snack right away, too? Then I would make dinner while they kept watching the show. It seemed to give all of us a little down time. TV can be great! It has to be a SHOW, though. Tablet time tends to make my kids crazier and crankier and then they won't get off the darn thing and they whine and fuss. 

ETA: Can you put out a snack bag in the morning, and let 3 YO know that he gets his special snack when you come in? Maybe a fun sippy cup or something to go with it, that can be his special getting-home cup? And make it kind of a ritual with watching the show. Blankie on the couch? Nurse the baby right next to the big kid so he doesn't feel like you are ditching him, if you don't already do that. 

My DH was never home for this time. If your DH is home, that seems amazing. He could let the 3 YO "help" after the show is done if dinner isn't ready yet and 3 YO needs an activity. Put out silverware, put out napkins, put something in recycling, stir something?

[scm1011]

SOLIDARITY. I could have written this with some minor editing.

We live in a 2nd/3rd floor apartment. Every evening I have to drag the 828936 bags and the baby up a zillion stairs while my 3 year old DS takes his sweet ass time in front of me (BECAUSE HE NEEDS TO BE FIRST) stopping every other step requesting me to take off his coat or his shoes all the while I'm like "CAN THIS WAIT?! I'M CARRYING 700LBS OF THINGS! MOVE!" and then he immediately starts whining that he's hungry as soon as we get up to the apartment and cries while I attempt to take off coats, get the baby situated, etc because he's going to die of hunger. And then we have a couple "I don't like that" tantrums when I present His Majesty with dinner. Its the woooooooorst.

And I hear you on the DH thing too. He cooks dinner, which I appreciate, but he definitely does it leisurely because he enjoys being in the kitchen alone watching netflix on his computer while I wrangle the heathens alone and sometimes it infuriates me lol.

[gt7301b]

I find mornings to be much more stressful than evenings cause my toddler is so dreadfully slow getting out the door, but in the evenings he typically operates at the speed of a normal human being.  However, I can commiserate. 

[Susie]

Jan 16, 2020 10:42:25 GMT -5 icedcoffee said:

Oh--also...wtf does my kid need to pee every damn night while we are half way through dinner and he's covered in some sort of sauce?

Mine does too.  I'm pretty sure it's just stalling.  She is the queen of that these days.  At dinner, in the bath, getting jammies on, etc.  Anything to delay bedtime.  We've started making her sit on the potty and then wash hands immediately before she gets in her chair for dinner, and then we say no during dinner.  (Or, "if you get up, you're getting up from dinner for good.")  It has helped with that one tiny piece.

On the rest of it, man, I hear you.  H and I carpool home with both kids, so at least I have him to help me with the 46,000 bags plus 4 yo plus infant in bucket seat.  We also generally divide and conquer, he handles DD almost exclusively and I handle DS almost exclusively.  I see very little of DD during the week which sucks, but DS needs me, and she can't stay up to wait for me to be done with that.  I look forward to when they can share bedtime stories -- one adult can be OFF while the other one does bedtime!  And when I do bedtime I can see both kids.  Right now their bedtimes are 7pm and 8pm, so she's eating dinner while he's going down.

I have also been thinking hard about when I want to move to using a convertible car seat for DS.  I could do it any time, because we're going to reuse one of DD's old ones, and the bucket seat could for now go in the other car (and stay there).  I've been debating whether the infant bucket seat makes the bag situation better or worse.  On one hand, it's fucking heavy.  OTOH, at least I can set him down in it, plus doing all the buckles and harness indoors is nice in winter.

[ECB]

Just coming to say that it DOES GET BETTER!!! I remember wishing the night away until bedtime. It's ok - we're human, kids are HARD. But it does get better!

[ECB]

Jan 16, 2020 10:33:20 GMT -5 steamboat185 said:

We aren’t allowed to leave anything at the office, thank you flexible seating,

Ugh.  I think I would HATE this.  Lugging everything back and forth everyday?? No thanks!  

I was working on a project where for most of last year, I was between 2 offices.  So - I was always carrying certain notebooks/folders with me home because I didn't know where I'd be and when, and what meetings I had that I needed to reference past notes - had to carry it all because I wasn't always going back to the same office day to day.

I thought THAT was a pain!  

[somersault72]

Evenings are rough around here, too. I hate that I am away from my toddler most of the day, but then can't wait until bedtime so I can just "be" for a minute. I probably felt this way with DS but have blocked it out.And because DD strongly prefers me DH thinks he shouldn't have to help as much with her. Uh no bruh. She's still your kid.

[somersault72]

Jan 16, 2020 10:33:20 GMT -5 steamboat185 said:

Jan 16, 2020 10:27:55 GMT -5 icedcoffee said:

YESS---I meant to say that too.  THE BAGS!  So many bags and some requiring more immediate attention like unpacking my breastmilk/extra bottles and the poop covered underwear that seem to come home everyday.  So many bags!

And the whining!

We aren’t allowed to leave anything at the office, thank you flexible seating, so my work bag alone weights like 25 pounds with a laptop, water bottle, jabber headphone, cell phone, notebook, preferred pens, lunch etc. it’s so ridiculous. I also forgot my gym bag because what is one more?

I go to three different offices a week, so I hear you on dragging my shit everywhere. It is probably my least favorite part of my job. I miss having a "home base."

[icedcoffee]

Jan 16, 2020 11:09:01 GMT -5 Susie said:

Jan 16, 2020 10:42:25 GMT -5 icedcoffee said:

Oh--also...wtf does my kid need to pee every damn night while we are half way through dinner and he's covered in some sort of sauce?

Mine does too.  I'm pretty sure it's just stalling.  She is the queen of that these days.  At dinner, in the bath, getting jammies on, etc.  Anything to delay bedtime.  We've started making her sit on the potty and then wash hands immediately before she gets in her chair for dinner, and then we say no during dinner.  (Or, "if you get up, you're getting up from dinner for good.")  It has helped with that one tiny piece.

On the rest of it, man, I hear you.  H and I carpool home with both kids, so at least I have him to help me with the 46,000 bags plus 4 yo plus infant in bucket seat.  We also generally divide and conquer, he handles DD almost exclusively and I handle DS almost exclusively.  I see very little of DD during the week which sucks, but DS needs me, and she can't stay up to wait for me to be done with that.  I look forward to when they can share bedtime stories -- one adult can be OFF while the other one does bedtime!  And when I do bedtime I can see both kids.  Right now their bedtimes are 7pm and 8pm, so she's eating dinner while he's going down.

I have also been thinking hard about when I want to move to using a convertible car seat for DS.  I could do it any time, because we're going to reuse one of DD's old ones, and the bucket seat could for now go in the other car (and stay there).  I've been debating whether the infant bucket seat makes the bag situation better or worse.  On one hand, it's fucking heavy.  OTOH, at least I can set him down in it, plus doing all the buckles and harness indoors is nice in winter.

I would 1000% not transition the car seat until winter is over.  My plan is to transition to convertible seat once it's reliably warm here.  I can't do buckles for 2 kids outside in the winter.  

Both kids go to bed at 7.  DS1 could probably benefit from pushing bedtime later, but by 7 I am so done and that makes me feel super shitty since I only pick him up at like 5:30. 

[mrsGreeko]

It gets better. .

I remember those days and they weren’t fun. Like at all. But, now my kids are 8, 10, and 13 and evenings are pretty low key and have been mostly for years.

I found that if I could give my toddler as close to my undivided attention (when we had little little kids DH was gone for weeks/months at a time and when he was in town he worked really long days and either was home right at dinner or after kids were already asleep so it was all on me) as possible for 10-15 minutes when we got home things went better. But, when I had a nursing baby that was hard because I also had to nurse baby right away because I had reverse cyclers who needed to nurse immediately. So sometimes it was nursing the baby while reading stories with the toddler. Or nursing while “playing” pretend with small toys on the couch. It’s hard though because they baby would sometimes get distracted and sometimes the toddler was still a jerk.

It gets better though. Keep pushing through and it will get better where that time is more enjoyable.

[icedcoffee]

Jan 16, 2020 10:54:09 GMT -5 scm1011 said:

SOLIDARITY. I could have written this with some minor editing.

We live in a 2nd/3rd floor apartment. Every evening I have to drag the 828936 bags and the baby up a zillion stairs while my 3 year old DS takes his sweet ass time in front of me (BECAUSE HE NEEDS TO BE FIRST) stopping every other step requesting me to take off his coat or his shoes all the while I'm like "CAN THIS WAIT?! I'M CARRYING 700LBS OF THINGS! MOVE!" and then he immediately starts whining that he's hungry as soon as we get up to the apartment and cries while I attempt to take off coats, get the baby situated, etc because he's going to die of hunger. And then we have a couple "I don't like that" tantrums when I present His Majesty with dinner. Its the woooooooorst.

And I hear you on the DH thing too. He cooks dinner, which I appreciate, but he definitely does it leisurely because he enjoys being in the kitchen alone watching netflix on his computer while I wrangle the heathens alone and sometimes it infuriates me lol.

This made me LOL.  Sometimes I'll add a "critique" of dinner like "oh---we need a veggie on the side.  can you make sure meals have veggies?" (I make this request like once a week) and DH will be all "I was running around getting this done." and I want to be like "YES---Meanwhile I was dealing with the heathens all by myself!".  Also--if I cook DS1 needs to "cook with me". DH gets peace when he cooks.  Kill me.

DS1 also likes to "help me" carry the bucket seat which means I'm carrying bags, bucket seat and the extra weight of DS1 "helping".  UUUGH.

[icedcoffee]

I'm glad to hear it gets better because I hear of people's kids going to bed at like 9 and I currently want to die at the though of 2 extra hours of this insanity.

[sandandsea]

Can you switch up the routine any or give little rewards for the three year old helping? My 3yo loves helping especially if there is a reward waiting. For instance, if they bring in their backs and take off their shoes/coat, they could watch one episode of ruff ruff tweet and Dave (12 min) episodes. Yes it’s using screen time, but it’s limited and engaging and a reward to get you some quiet time. You could also set out play doh or some other fun quiet activity. Also my kids have long days (7:30am-5:30pm at school/daycare). They need a breather when they get home and their emotions are high. They’ve been trying to be good all day and performing at school so it’s natural to have some pent up energy, excited to see you/be home. So some downtime is welcoming for everyone.

[scm1011]

Jan 16, 2020 11:28:32 GMT -5 icedcoffee said:

Jan 16, 2020 10:54:09 GMT -5 scm1011 said:

SOLIDARITY. I could have written this with some minor editing.

We live in a 2nd/3rd floor apartment. Every evening I have to drag the 828936 bags and the baby up a zillion stairs while my 3 year old DS takes his sweet ass time in front of me (BECAUSE HE NEEDS TO BE FIRST) stopping every other step requesting me to take off his coat or his shoes all the while I'm like "CAN THIS WAIT?! I'M CARRYING 700LBS OF THINGS! MOVE!" and then he immediately starts whining that he's hungry as soon as we get up to the apartment and cries while I attempt to take off coats, get the baby situated, etc because he's going to die of hunger. And then we have a couple "I don't like that" tantrums when I present His Majesty with dinner. Its the woooooooorst.

And I hear you on the DH thing too. He cooks dinner, which I appreciate, but he definitely does it leisurely because he enjoys being in the kitchen alone watching netflix on his computer while I wrangle the heathens alone and sometimes it infuriates me lol.

This made me LOL.  Sometimes I'll add a "critique" of dinner like "oh---we need a veggie on the side.  can you make sure meals have veggies?" (I make this request like once a week) and DH will be all "I was running around getting this done." and I want to be like "YES---Meanwhile I was dealing with the heathens all by myself!".  Also--if I cook DS1 needs to "cook with me". DH gets peace when he cooks.  Kill me.

DS1 also likes to "help me" carry the bucket seat which means I'm carrying bags, bucket seat and the extra weight of DS1 "helping".  UUUGH.

Preaaach. This extends to all aspects of my life. Like sometimes I'll come home and DH is sitting in the living room playing on his phone while DS is quietly playing by himself. What kind of wizardry is this? If I'm in the living room its "MOMMY WHATCHA DOING? DO YOU WANT TO PLAY WITH ME? MOMMY PLAY WITH ME!" or he's climbing me like a Sequoia or shoving things in my face or telling me the same story 1400 times. 

[mrsGreeko]

Jan 16, 2020 11:30:10 GMT -5 icedcoffee said:

I'm glad to hear it gets better because I hear of people's kids going to bed at like 9 and I currently want to die at the though of 2 extra hours of this insanity.

My 8 and 10 year old go to bed at 8:30 and my 13 year old goes to bed at 10, but for a lot of those hours they are doing their own things with very little needed from me. Either playing or reading or doing homework. I do have to help with homework sometimes which can really suck sometimes, but I can make dinner with no one bothering me or even helping (last night my DS really wanted to help so he cut up the broccoli for me and stirred some stuff for me). And they each do the dishes one night a week. So even though they are up a lot later, I don’t feel as drained by the time they go to sleep as I did when they were 3. That was the worst age for me. I felt completely drained beyond belief by the time they were in bed. It was all consuming exhaustion. That part stops.

[Patsy Baloney]

Jan 16, 2020 11:30:10 GMT -5 icedcoffee said:

I'm glad to hear it gets better because I hear of people's kids going to bed at like 9 and I currently want to die at the though of 2 extra hours of this insanity.

My 6 almost 7 year old goes to bed at 8 and always has. Recently, she has taken to staying up until god knows when. It's like having a ghost in the house. You just hear the thump of a book or see the dim light of her lamp turning on and off. 

Quite honestly, as long as she stays in her room, she can go to sleep at 3am. I feel like this rule is going to hold all throughout her life. 

Comes home to visit at 25 - honey, it's 8pm. Go to your room, please. Bedtime. 

[melsbels]

OMG. I feel you. 5:00-7:30pm is my most hated time of the day. There. I said it. Lol

I miss my kids the second I drop them off at dayhome in the morning...and then I basically count down the seconds until bedtime when I get home after work. It’s frickin mayhem. For everyone. Thank god I have an equal partner in my H and we tag team everything, but two high energy 2.5 year olds are just not for the faint of heart lol. We’re in a hellish cold snap right now too (temps are in the -40° Celsius range 🥶) so they’ve been cooped up indoors for the past week, which is NOT helping.

I’m just holding on and hoping it gets better as they get older.