S/o calling 911 @@@ and *trigger warning*

[CurlyQ284]

My DS is 7 and has made friends with a neighborhood boy R down the street. A lot of parents seem like free range parents in this neighborhood and R is allowed to go about on his own, he has a walky talky to communicate with parents. I thought this was a great idea, we had a pair my H uses for off roading so we started using them too so DS could walk down to his house and play. The road curves so I cannot see Rs house from my window but I probably could if I went to the street in front.

There was a post on the neighborhood page last week from Rs dad about a van parked near their house. When the police are called, the guy leaves before the cops can get here so it's assumed he has a scanner. Rs dad went and talked to the guy and he said he is waiting for his girlfriend who lives across the street from R because he is not legally allowed in her house. Rs dad knows a PI and asked him to look into it. Last night he showed us the listing on the registry, the man is a Tier 3 sex offender (most severe and most likely to reoffend), the victim was a child. So his plan and some surrounding houses is to just call every time he is parked out there, and possibly let the cops know he may have a scanner so they can possibly keep it off the radio. He is looking into whether he is allowed to be there because Rs mom has a licensed in-home daycare.

I am trying not to run through what could have happened because nothing did, but last time DS walked over there I had to give him a scolding because he walked up to a lady walking her dog and asked to pet the dog! After we had a convo about that specifically!

So I am not sure exactly how to handle this WRT parenting. I think it's important for kids to be independent so when they get older they aren't helpless, but this guy is dating my neighbor. Even if he quits parking outside her house for long periods of time, he's probably going to be passing through. It seems different than "statistically, anything is unlikely to happen" because now there is a concrete situation.

I'm not going to let him walk down to Rs house by himself anymore. I'm debating on whether it would be ok to stand at the street so I can visually see him but he can still be independent. There is also a neighborhood park behind my house. There are 2 entrances at different ends that are walking paths between houses but no roads. I can see the soccer field but the view of the tennis court and kids playground are obstructed by trees. Would you let your kid play back there? How helicoptery would you be?
I feel like I don't want him to be anywhere without an adult, is that an overreaction? Until what age?

[joenali]

I don’t think what you’re describing would be considered helicopter parenting at all. It’s called parenting. I would definitely walk my kid to his friend’s house in this situation.

[calamity]

I would want supervision at all times too, 7 is still pretty young.

[jr009j]

You’re assuming the guy is telling the truth about having a girlfriend. Walk your son over and supervise until for now.

[CurlyQ284]

I was pretty much with him all the time up until he started making friends with the neighborhood kids maybe around October. It seems this neighborhood has a 70s/80s vibe and I was the only one not letting the kids roam a little. It also started to seem like about this age is when people start doing drop off playdates, I hadn't done that before either so I was starting to feel like I was uptight. DS has also had behavioral issues and I didnt want to leave him at a playdate for that reason as well but he is doing better this year with the right meds and maturity. I was also listening to some podcasts about kids needing their independence so I started to feel like I was doing the wrong thing and was trying to be more flexible but this is really freaking me out!

[ECB]

Is it confirmed that he actually has a girlfriend that lives there? He said that's the situation, but with everything else you said - especially w/ R's wife having a daycare and you're so close to a park - i'd be HIGHLY suspicious.

But then again, as he knows you all are aware of him and if he's still coming there, maybe there is truth to it that he's waiting on his girlfriend.

But how old is this person (the girl) and why is he waiting on her SO OFTEN that it's making you all suspicious?

This all just feels really weird and I 100% would not let my son go anywhere near that van.

[CurlyQ284]

What about the park behind my house though? It's not near where the van is parked but if he wanted to he could probably go back there.


When I write it out now I'm thinking no for all the things. Ugh I haaaaaaaate this.

[msmerymac]

I think this is a specific situation that has to do with safety and independence doesn't really factor into it. There are plenty of other ways he can explore his independence that doesn't involve him walking alone down the street past a known sex offender is sitting in his car. I might explain that to him, and that this might just be a temporary situation where you're going to either walk him there or watch him walk down the street for now.

[CurlyQ284]

Jan 30, 2020 9:26:28 GMT -5 ECB said:

Is it confirmed that he actually has a girlfriend that lives there? He said that's the situation, but with everything else you said - especially w/ R's wife having a daycare and you're so close to a park - i'd be HIGHLY suspicious.

But then again, as he knows you all are aware of him and if he's still coming there, maybe there is truth to it that he's waiting on his girlfriend.

But how old is this person (the girl) and why is he waiting on her SO OFTEN that it's making you all suspicious?

This all just feels really weird and I 100% would not let my son go anywhere near that van.

He is 49, the offense was in 2005. I'm not sure yet, I would bet that Rs dad might go talk to her or some of the other neighbors. We are newish to the neighborhood, we've been here about 3 years but haven't really talked to any neighbors other than the next door neighbor until the last few months. I do not know this lady that is supposedly dating the guy, I dont even know exactly which house it is. I have not seen the van parked because the road curves but someone said they saw him parked there half the day on Christmas Day. I have no clue why he would be waiting on her that long but I expect some of the neighbors will talk to her and get more information.

[CurlyQ284]

Jan 30, 2020 9:26:42 GMT -5 msmerymac said:

I think this is a specific situation that has to do with safety and independence doesn't really factor into it. There are plenty of other ways he can explore his independence that doesn't involve him walking alone down the street past a known sex offender is sitting in his car. I might explain that to him, and that this might just be a temporary situation where you're going to either walk him there or watch him walk down the street for now.

But that's my point. Is this temporary?
I mean, if they are in fact dating and that checks out....it seems like it is not temporary. For the temporary, I got it. I'm just thinking a year from now he could still be passing through here and them I start thinking, jesus who else is hanging around that I dont even know about? And then I want to just make my kid hold my hand until he is 18.

[ECB]

Jan 30, 2020 9:30:39 GMT -5 CurlyQ284 said:

Jan 30, 2020 9:26:28 GMT -5 ECB said:

Is it confirmed that he actually has a girlfriend that lives there? He said that's the situation, but with everything else you said - especially w/ R's wife having a daycare and you're so close to a park - i'd be HIGHLY suspicious.

But then again, as he knows you all are aware of him and if he's still coming there, maybe there is truth to it that he's waiting on his girlfriend.

But how old is this person (the girl) and why is he waiting on her SO OFTEN that it's making you all suspicious?

This all just feels really weird and I 100% would not let my son go anywhere near that van.

He is 49, the offense was in 2005. I'm not sure yet, I would bet that Rs dad might go talk to her or some of the other neighbors. We are newish to the neighborhood, we've been here about 3 years but haven't really talked to any neighbors other than the next door neighbor until the last few months. I do not know this lady that is supposedly dating the guy, I dont even know exactly which house it is. I have not seen the van parked because the road curves but someone said they saw him parked there half the day on Christmas Day. I have no clue why he would be waiting on her that long but I expect some of the neighbors will talk to her and get more information.

This is just WEIRD.  And it's HER age that I'm wondering about where he's legally not allowed in her house.  Who does she live with that is barring him?  

it's WEIRD.  sitting in his van 1/2 the day??  Who does that?  It's one thing if he pulls up and is there for a few minutes waiting.  But HOURS?  Enough that people are noticing?  Then he disappears before the cops show up?

No- something doesn't add up here.  

[CurlyQ284]

Ugh fuck I also just remembered, in the summer my SDs take him down to the beach to swim while I'm working (I WFH). They are 17 and 18 and now I feel like I don't want to do that anymore either.

[CurlyQ284]

Jan 30, 2020 9:33:26 GMT -5 ECB said:

Jan 30, 2020 9:30:39 GMT -5 CurlyQ284 said:

He is 49, the offense was in 2005. I'm not sure yet, I would bet that Rs dad might go talk to her or some of the other neighbors. We are newish to the neighborhood, we've been here about 3 years but haven't really talked to any neighbors other than the next door neighbor until the last few months. I do not know this lady that is supposedly dating the guy, I dont even know exactly which house it is. I have not seen the van parked because the road curves but someone said they saw him parked there half the day on Christmas Day. I have no clue why he would be waiting on her that long but I expect some of the neighbors will talk to her and get more information.

This is just WEIRD.  And it's HER age that I'm wondering about where he's legally not allowed in her house.  Who does she live with that is barring him?  

it's WEIRD.  sitting in his van 1/2 the day??  Who does that?  It's one thing if he pulls up and is there for a few minutes waiting.  But HOURS?  Enough that people are noticing?  Then he disappears before the cops show up?

No- something doesn't add up here.  

I definitely agree. When that came up everyone in the chat was like "oh hes just waiting for his gf" and I said "ummmm none of the reasons for being legally unable to go into the house are reasons that make me feel any better about this" and then a few days later he found out about the sex offense. And also, call when you arrive and she can come out to the car. Who in the would would just wait that long for somebody?

[ECB]

Jan 30, 2020 9:36:12 GMT -5 CurlyQ284 said:

Ugh fuck I also just remembered, in the summer my SDs take him down to the beach to swim while I'm working (I WFH). They are 17 and 18 and now I feel like I don't want to do that anymore either.

why not? 

[CurlyQ284]

I am assuming more information will be coming. It's been coming out over the course of a few days so I'm sure there will be updates on the situation and what's going on with the neighbor lady.

[Deleted]

I'm normally very laid back and have a more meh kind of attitude, but this is setting off all kinds of warning bells and whistles for me. It is SUPER shady that this guy is sitting in his van for HOURS at a time in a neighborhood, near a daycare and near a park. I would want a hell of lot more resolution before I sent my child out in the neighborhood to play again unsupervised. As long as that van is around, it would not be happening at all, not with a 7 y/o. Heck, even though my 13 y/o have their head square on their shoulders I wouldn't be okay with them. It's like an episode of Law and Order. Dude is a convicted sex offender driving a van and hanging out near a daycare? Uh-uh. Nope. Not cool. I'm stressing out on behalf of you.

[CurlyQ284]

Jan 30, 2020 9:39:02 GMT -5 ECB said:

Jan 30, 2020 9:36:12 GMT -5 CurlyQ284 said:

Ugh fuck I also just remembered, in the summer my SDs take him down to the beach to swim while I'm working (I WFH). They are 17 and 18 and now I feel like I don't want to do that anymore either.

why not? 

The lake is behind Rs house, the entrance and the beach are a little further up the road. So it's close in the vicinity of where this guy is parking. Could they be possible victims also? I'm not sure if his victim was a little child or like a 16/17 year old, just that it was a minor. Would they be sufficient deterrent if they're with DS because they're fairly young? I don't know, I'm freaked out!

[readyin07]

Given the information I would also not let my son walk alone where I couldn’t see him from my house. Let’s be honest, most of us regularly have to take chances to let our kids be independent that we might not be fully comfortable with, but it’s different when a specific threat is identified.

My can play outside with their friends from the cul de sac without me being out there. That started with my oldest in probably second grade and the middle more like in k/first but only if he was with his brother/other friends. I wasn’t comfortable with it with my oldest, but like you it was common in my neighborhood and it was hard when they played outside all afternoon and he had to come inside so I could make a call or start dinner.. If they want to go get other friends that are farther than I can see from my house they have to go in a group and one bigger kid has to go along (like my 8yo can’t go with the 9yo, he needs to take his brother who’s 11 or our 6th or 8th grade neighbor). If I had circumstances like you. that would stop.

[waverly]

Right now I would be supervising him everywhere he goes and then re-evaluate later. As far as the 17/18 year old and the 7 year old all going together, I think that is OK if there are 2 of the older age. I wouldn't send just the 17 and the 7 year old or just the 18 and the 7 year old, but I would send the 3 of them. That way if something happens even while they are swimming there is another adult (counting the 17 year old as an adult in this case) there for an emergency situation.

[fivechickens]

We have in a mediumish sized sub, pretty much everyone knows whose kids is whose. I still would not be comfortable letting my 8 year old walk by herself to someones house, especially a house I could not see from ours. I don’t even like them playing in the front of the house by themselves.

I really do not believe the guy has a girlfriend in the sub. If he does I wonder if she knows about him being a sex offender.

[karinothing]

Do you know how old the victim or whether it was a violent situation? I am not saying that this makes anything more or less of a crime but if at 34 he was "dating" a girl under 18 and that is what the crime was then I would feel a lot different about the risk to my kid than if it was a little kid or if it was a violent situation.

Anyway, if he is a level 3 sex offender, I assume that he can not hang out in a van while kids are nearby? That seems like a violation of some sort, so I would check in with the police for that. He may not legally be allowed in the house because your neighbor may have a child.

[DotAndBuzz]

None of what he said makes sense. Why can't he go into his GF's house (if he's even telling the truth about that)? Why does he need to sit there for hours? And that it's in such close proximity to a daycare and beach with tons of kids?

nope nope nope.

That is absolutely worth a call to the police, and telling them to keep it off the radio if they can, because he always leaves right after they're called.

And you're not overreacting to want to escort your son and supervise a bit more. I'm just now loosening the reigns on my oldest kid (6th grade) - she can ride her bike around the neighborhood with her friends. My 3rd grader can ride around our little loop, but there's no through traffic, and it's a closed 1/2 mile circle of houses where most everyone knows everyone/their kids (or at least knows what kid/person/car belongs to what house). In your case, I wouldn't let either one be roaming around much for a while until I felt reasonably sure this guy was no longer hanging around (not totally sure when/why I would make that determination, but I'd be waiting a while for sure).

[ginandjucie24]

I have a 7 year old son with behavioral issues and I understand wanting to give independence. It’s a little bit stressful letting him do new things on his own but add the element of a sex offender sitting in a van would be a whole new level of stress. You are not wrong for supervising you child and wanting him in your sights.

I would not let him play unsupervised at the park. I would walk him to and from the friends house. Until all this van guy stuff is taken care off.

You are doing a good job with your son, he will gain independence because you will teach in time. He is 7 he has lots of time to learn. Don’t question yourself about being to helicopter-y, right now with this situation you are listening to your gut instincts don’t shove them down, listen to them. In this instance safety is more important than independence.

[CurlyQ284]

Jan 30, 2020 10:18:38 GMT -5 karinothing said:

Do you know how old the victim or whether it was a violent situation? I am not saying that this makes anything more or less of a crime but if at 34 he was "dating" a girl under 18 and that is what the crime was then I would feel a lot different about the risk to my kid than if it was a little kid or if it was a violent situation.

Anyway, if he is a level 3 sex offender, I assume that he can not hang out in a van while kids are nearby? That seems like a violation of some sort, so I would check in with the police for that. He may not legally be allowed in the house because your neighbor may have a child.

I dont know yet but I expect more info to come out over the next few days with people digging into this. The offense on the registry says "criminal sexual conduct assault with intent to commit sexual penetration". Its 750.520G1 in Michigan.

Actually I think I'm wrong about the victim being a child. I'm not seeing it stated anywhere in the convo, I think I maybe assumed that because they mentioned he cannot loiter within 1000 feet of a school (there's a school nearby). I looked up the criminal code and it looks like it is not listed under crimes against children so his victim would be someone over 18 I think.

[karinothing]

Jan 30, 2020 10:31:54 GMT -5 CurlyQ284 said:

Jan 30, 2020 10:18:38 GMT -5 karinothing said:

Do you know how old the victim or whether it was a violent situation? I am not saying that this makes anything more or less of a crime but if at 34 he was "dating" a girl under 18 and that is what the crime was then I would feel a lot different about the risk to my kid than if it was a little kid or if it was a violent situation.

Anyway, if he is a level 3 sex offender, I assume that he can not hang out in a van while kids are nearby? That seems like a violation of some sort, so I would check in with the police for that. He may not legally be allowed in the house because your neighbor may have a child.

I dont know yet but I expect more info to come out over the next few days with people digging into this. The offense on the registry says "criminal sexual conduct assault with intent to commit sexual penetration". Its 750.520G1 in Michigan.

Actually I think I'm wrong about the victim being a child. I'm not seeing it stated anywhere in the convo, I think I maybe assumed that because they mentioned he cannot loiter within 1000 feet of a school (there's a school nearby). I looked up the criminal code and it looks like it is not listed under crimes against children so his victim would be someone over 18 I think.

I think its good to be level headed in these situations and not let neighborhood rumor turn into fact. On my states' registry it does specifically say whether or not the victim is a minor. I am not sure if all registries are the same. I do not know if you will be able to find out the specific crime (I mean it would involve a request of records), but if it was not minor he is not a default threat to your child. Not that I am saying you should not supervise your child when he goes to his friends house if that makes you feel comfortable. Of course you need to do what makes you feel comfortable, but all individuals on the sex offender registry are not threats to children by the very nature of their registration.

My neighbor is a sex offender, but it was not of a child (and the crime was in 1992). He has never had a late registration renewal in nearly 20 years and I do not feel threatened by him. We are friendly. I do not consider him a threat to my child.

So really to me, it all comes down to the specific crime. If I could not find that out, I would supervise my child as long as him parking there was still an issue (hopefully their relationship will be short lived!).

[CurlyQ284]

Oh wonderful.
Rs mom provided an update, she talked to the neighbor and they are NOT dating. They dated briefly a while back and he is now stalking her. So ok maybe this is just temporary after all now that the whole neighborhood is invested in running this guy off. Ughhhhhh.

[renna]

I would have my son use his walkie talkie to communicate to the friend "Let's get together to play." And I would walk my son to pick up his friend, walk them back to my house, and they would play in our backyard or house. (Assuming the friend's parents were fine with this.) They would play under my nose, so to speak.

If I trusted the friend's parents I would let them walk to get my son (or walk him down to the friend's house myself) for them to play in the house or in the friend's backyard.

I think you're in Michigan? I'm in Minnesota. Think of how cold you'd get sitting in a car for half of Christmas Day (or use a tank of gas to heat it). That's weird. I would be irritated if someone were sitting in a parked car in front of my house all day, let alone Christmas Day.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this, curly.

[foundmylazybum]

I think you need to stay in the present moment and not jump to these future oriented "what if" worst case, unlikely scenarios. I know it's hard but.. for example, summer isnt here yet so deal with the swimming situation in summer.

Right now, it's 100% not helicopter parenting to watch/walk your son to places in the neighborhood and allow him to practice indepence in other places. Its smart parenting and protecting your progeny that you have a high investment in ❤

[karinothing]

How unfortunate for R. I guess that is why he is not legally allowed in her house. Goodness. I hope the neighborhood can run him off. Hopefully the police can put someone out there for a while. Hopefully R is okay.

[CurlyQ284]

Jan 30, 2020 11:04:21 GMT -5 karinothing said:

How unfortunate for R. I guess that is why he is not legally allowed in her house. Goodness. I hope the neighborhood can run him off. Hopefully the police can put someone out there for a while. Hopefully R is okay.

R is my sons friend, the ex girlfriend being stalked lives across the street from R so R is ok. I'm not sure what the neighbors name is, it seems she does have kids though. I sure feel bad for her!