Post by RoxMonster on Sept 25, 2020 19:22:52 GMT -5
PDQ I can't go into details here and may even delete this really vague stuff so PDQ. But I am completely irate about something at work that goes against my ethics and morals and what I believe is right. I have done all I can and my hands are completely tied. It is to the point that it is the impetus I needed to finally look for a new job.
Anyway, I feel like the anger about it is consuming me. I just keep thinking about it, getting angry, then I grit my teeth, can feel my blood pressure raising, I cry, etc. I know that's not healthy and I still have months to go until I can leave for a new job due to my contract.
What are some strategies you use to release that and try not to focus on it? And in the moment, especially when I am at work and around the people making this decision and I start feeling myself getting really upset, is there something I can do or think in the moment to calm me down?
Have you considered seeing a therapist? I can't help, but I would imagine a trained therapist could give you strategies to help refocus your energy and remain calmer in those situations.
I'm really sorry that it's come to this and I hope it's easy to find a new position when the time comes.
So, hi. Yes. This has been my reality for a few months.
Honestly, you need a release valve. The best release - for me - is talking with someone whose purpose is to listen to me and help me with how I feel about it. You know ...a therapist.
I tried venting to my sister or friends and it just isn’t good enough. Conversations are two ways and many times they don’t know what to say, especially because they have their own issues at this point in time.
I am so grateful for my therapist. I’m dealing with some big shit that is also morally/ethically wrong to me and I’m consumed by my anger towards being asked to just deal with it. So, I’m not gonna and my therapist is helping me resolve that inside myself and in my life.
Post by game blouses on Sept 25, 2020 19:45:09 GMT -5
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I had a similar situation at my previous job where I was asked to do something that was completely opposite to my sense of ethics (and not what I was hired for). My only way through was to find a new job and it’s done wonders for my mental health. Even just looking for a new job was enough to release some of my anger. I hope it gets better soon!
Post by imojoebunny on Sept 25, 2020 19:47:38 GMT -5
My first boss, a great man, who passed away 8 years ago, was a grand friend for 20 years after I left his employ, and I still miss greatly, told me, "accept the things you cannot change, and change the things you can." His words, which were hard won for him, still play over in my head, no matter the hurdle I am facing. I left a job where people were not doing the right thing, and I told my boss as much when I left. It was not well received, and he told me I should trust those above me, and 6 months later, his boss, and others in the company, were indicted by the SEC. Channel your energy into finding another job, if you are unable to change the place you are, and content yourself with knowing that you won't forever be dragged down by these people. BTW... the job I got after I left there was 100% better, and I got paid more with better benefits.
Post by RoxMonster on Sept 25, 2020 19:48:40 GMT -5
Thank you so much for all the responses so far. I hate "liking" posts of people also struggling with this but you know what I mean..I am commiserating with you.
I have thought for awhile now I should see a therapist for my anxiety (unrelated to this), so I know I really should and it may help with this as well.
I thought I had heard on here (or elsewhere?) that there is a site you can go to and search for a therapist in your area, possibly even that you can see virtually. Does anyone know what site that is?
I’ve started Talkspace. It’s a virtual experience. But I also have the ability to “chat” 24/7 with my therapist. I can go into the chat room and do a brain dump. Which is helpful for me. I’m better at putting things to words on a paper instead of verbalizing how I’m feeling.
Is the harm being done by your employer something you can offset through action until you’re in a position to take a new job? If they are flouting environmental law, can you donate time or money to an environmental organization? If they are bigoted or racist, can you attend rallies or donate to the ACLU? Not sure if this applies to your situation, but if it does and you want help brainstorming, we can help.
Post by cinnamoncox0 on Sept 25, 2020 20:20:07 GMT -5
For me, not in the moment but I do often go into my room and scream into a pillow like a madwoman. It helps. My issues with work aren’t anyone’s fault. Most people can blame a boss or co worker or commute etc. I am in special Ed and it isn’t the students fault: so I have no place to set that anger. I can’t be mad at the student, I can’t be mad at the school who lacks $$, I can’t be mad at the coworkers who are in the same spot I am.
So I yell into a pillow until my throat is hoarse.
I drive my fun fast car around (safely) weekly to burn up and get excited.
In the moment? Mentally remove and think of what you’ll do when you get home to cope, have a drink? Read a book? What the plot? Watch your favorite show? Is the lead hot? Chat with your SO and how they will validate your distress.
Therapy is a must. I have weekly teletherapy but I’ve seen her years before this so we transitioned well. I found her from my personal physician. He knows me and knows my issues and was able to connect me with someone close to my age and we connected well after tons of Mis matches.
If it’s something really unethical report them. You Must be able to anonymously. If not I don’t know since I don’t know the issue.
But I can’t express enough how much of a release screaming is. Even into the void.
And job seek!! Every day apply for one job. Feel like you’ve done what you can to move on. Good luck job stress is such a bum deal it’s soul sucking but you can not let it.
Post by maudefindlay on Sept 25, 2020 20:44:01 GMT -5
So my first job out of grad school I was several months in and the Director of the facility started putting pressure on me to do something patient care related that was unethical and not safe for a specific patient. I was the only one at the facility that did what I did. The family and the doctor agreed with me and wanted my professional judgment followed. The Director continued pressuring me, called me in his office one day and said to me if I didn't do what he said he'd find someone else who would. I could not eat, I could not sleep. It consumed me. I felt sick to my stomach. I was worried to job hunt so soon after starting, so I waited longer than I should have.
I agree a Therapist sounds warranted. I wish I would have gotten one. I did research calming techniques for in the moment. I started keeping a stress ball in my pocket and would grab it whenever I had to see the Director. I took my lunch outside for fresh air and took a walk whenever I could even if for 5 minutes. I also no longer allowed myself to be alone in a room with him. I rang every bell I could. I also never did what he told me to do. Then I started the job search and luckily that was quick and I never looked back.
Post by lust2hart on Sept 25, 2020 20:50:15 GMT -5
I started seeing a therapist this year when I was so angry w my mom that I was considering cutting ties w her. There’s also a baseline anxiety issue related to her (she was abusive) that I’ve known for years I needed therapy for, but just couldn’t pull the trigger - until this anger came up.
So I was having a lot of physiological symptoms that completely blocked my ability to do anything other than just feel total rage and/or panic. My therapist had me do these exercises that I was really resistant to, but I know it helped - she had me think of memories where my mom was abusive, and step into the memories as an adult and, like, comfort the little girl me. When the little me felt safe, I as the adult then turned to my mom and let her have it. I said all the things that I needed to say to her, as well as saying all the things that little me should have heard when I was gtowing up but didn’t.
This exercise also helped me recognize when my feelings were out of control. When I’d start to feel my heart racing and palms start sweating, that’s when I “talked to little me” and calmed myself down, took deep breaths, etc.
Post by simpsongal on Sept 25, 2020 20:54:40 GMT -5
I’ll just say that in a similar situation, I found venting and hashing over the injustice helpful to a point. And at a later, repetitive point I had to shut it down bc it was only adding to my anxiety and negativity. So I would sort of compartmentize.
I also have found when I’m in a dark place, I have found that lifting others up and helping makes me feel better. Instant perspicacity. I can only control my own actions, I’ll be the good force needed in this world.
Post by sadlebred on Sept 25, 2020 22:00:26 GMT -5
My bike is my therapist (that is not a joke--it really is). I have to get outside and just get away when I feel like that. Meditation also helps me. Cycling is soothing to me.
I agree that talking to someone is always a good idea. If you have an Employee Assistance Program, it's a place to start.
My bike is my therapist (that is not a joke--it really is). I have to get outside and just get away when I feel like that. Meditation also helps me. Cycling is soothing to me.
I agree that talking to someone is always a good idea. If you have an Employee Assistance Program, it's a place to start.
Agreed! I hate working out, but when I get like this I can tell I need the release of exercise.
Post by ellipses84 on Sept 26, 2020 0:36:17 GMT -5
The only time I’ve ever felt like that it was about one specific person, who would do things that I disagree with to a point that it would make my blood boil. The stress physically affected me in a way no other stress ever has. The person had the ability to impact my life in a major way but I had zero control over them (and neither of us chose to be in that situation). The only things that helped were to be patient, do everything I could possibly do from a legal standpoint to improve the situation (even if all it is, is documentation or CYA), set boundaries and take the emotion out of it, compartmentalize, establish what was most important to me and focus on that so I could ignore the little things, and focus on long term plans and how to get there (essentially stop caring/ tune out). Screaming in my car, exercise or venting to people helped a little. Getting outside to breathe fresh air and focusing my free time on things that helped people and made me feel happy were better. Even if it's months, it is temporary and it will pass.
I’ll just say that in a similar situation, I found venting and hashing over the injustice helpful to a point. And at a later, repetitive point I had to shut it down bc it was only adding to my anxiety and negativity. So I would sort of compartmentize.
I also have found when I’m in a dark place, I have found that lifting others up and helping makes me feel better. Instant perspicacity. I can only control my own actions, I’ll be the good force needed in this world.
Yes to that second part! I joked awhile back that I reached the part of pandemic life where I just want to do nice things for people. Surprising people with kind things and donating money to charities has been my thing for the past few months.
Post by georgeglass on Sept 26, 2020 6:54:46 GMT -5
What helps me is realizing that letting someone get that level of stress out of me is letting them "win" twice. The work part is bad enough, but they're now affecting your physical and mental health. It's like the quote "wanting revenge is swallowing poison and hoping the other person dies." If you have done all that you can, take deep breaths and try to let them not keep hurting you.
Compartmentalization isn't the healthiest coping strategy, but it lets me function.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this 😔
I've heard this before and honestly don't know how that would work.
I don't know about others, but for me it's partly (mostly?) because of the way I grew up. I coped by shutting off my feelings. I don't visualize putting things in boxes. I just kind of... turn away. It's hard to explain.
ETA: I also agree with a pp about screaming. It's hard for me to scream, but when I finally do it's a really good release. I always end up crying after, so I rarely ever do it.
Therapy has helped me a ton. I'm not sure if I can coherently explain this part...but I try to realize that all of us operate the best we can given our past histories and how we came to act the way we do. Most people are doing their best, and sometimes a person's best is hurtful to those around them. When someone does something that angers me or makes me feel sad, their actions aren't really about me, and while I may have strong feelings that are valid, taking the personal aspect out of it can help. That person is unconsciously doing terrible things, and they probably can't do any better right now. Sometimes I try to think about what might have happened to that person to make them the way they are, not to excuse the behavior, but to just help me make sense of it. It can also help me to think back to other times people close to me may have made me feel this way, because if it was a childhood hurt, then I may be extra reactive to anyone who makes me feel that way as an adult. I can control how I respond in the moment, accept how it is and how I feel at this exact time, and then create a plan for me to make a change, which could be talking to them about it or getting out of a situation. I used to bury my feelings, but I have found it helps me to me more to dive in and really try to identify how I'm feeling and think through it a little bit like this, or talk about it with my therapist if I am at a loss.
Post by RoxMonster on Sept 26, 2020 8:30:29 GMT -5
Thank you so much for sharing all your experiences! Without getting into details of what it is, I do think I am participating in activities and organizations in my free time that contribute to this cause in a positive way, and that helps. I also agree that putting out positive energy and helping others helps me too, and I have volunteered for a few different things (outside work) coming up.
I will look into getting a therapist as well as I think it could help in other areas of my life too.
Post by RoxMonster on Sept 26, 2020 10:19:17 GMT -5
So can I ask some follow-up questions about therapy? I found several on Psychology Today that I would like to contact.
How do you know if one is a good fit for you? Is it just kind of a gut feel when you meet with them? Is it awkward to decide not to go to one again if it wasn't a good fit? Or do they typically just book one appointment at a time, so you just don't contact them again? I'm sure it depends on each individual and situation, but how often is it typical to attend therapy? Weekly? Monthly?
I'm excited to do this but nervous. I am a shy, introverted person, so I worry that it would be hard to open up to a stranger. But I'm willing to try.
Post by yourmother on Sept 26, 2020 10:38:21 GMT -5
I met with a few therapists until I found the one I clicked best with. It’s really trial and error.
Finding the right fit is the hard part. Once that’s accomplished, therapy can be life-changing. I went every other week fir years and it really changed how I manage my feelings and internal dialogue and setting boundaries with those around me.
Post by yourmother on Sept 26, 2020 10:38:39 GMT -5
I met with a few therapists until I found the one I clicked best with. It’s really trial and error.
Finding the right fit is the hard part. Once that’s accomplished, therapy can be life-changing. I went every other week fir years and it really changed how I manage my feelings and internal dialogue and setting boundaries with those around me.
I can relate to being angry about work-related things (whether it's individual people or principles behind the job). I do get angry every once in awhile, but if I'm able get a good night's sleep, the next day the anger is gone and it's replaced with resolve. With that resolve, I can take appropriate action. Sometimes it's just accepting that I can't change the person who has made me angry. The only thing I can change is my reaction to that person. Resentment can eat me alive if I let it.
If it's a principle that I feel very strongly about, I have resolve to help me with either solving the problem quickly OR to roll up my sleeves, be patient, and take whatever action necessary to have it resolved over time.
"Why would you ruin perfectly good peanuts by adding candy corn? That's like saying hey, I have these awesome nachos, guess I better add some dryer lint." - Nonny