Post by ellipses84 on May 28, 2021 15:05:56 GMT -5
[mention]picksthemusic [/mention] A lady (at my hair salon, haha) was saying the same thing about her husband. It was my first time back in 15 months at a small salon with masks/everyone vaxxed so I felt ok, but I still haven’t gone back to my eyebrow waxer. I’m the cautious/ anxious one. Maybe seeing the latest statistics and research will help him. I think he needs to get out more, not necessarily to a close contact or crowded situation right away, but let him see that there are people living pretty normal lives now. Go to a store, outdoor dining or do an outdoor activity during a non-busy time. Tiny steps!
picksthemusic - Are there any places near you where each stylist is renting their own small space? That’s how my hair dresser is, and it’s great. If they’re also vaccinated it might make him feel more comfortable to be in a more limited contact space.
No, but his barber does have open-sided cubicles so it feels like you're just with your stylist. So it's not like you're even in anyone else's space but your stylist. I dunno. I agree with baby steps.
I think this is stemming from the fact that I have been doing everything outside the home for the entire pandemic, with few exceptions, and this just feels like one more thing. I do all the shopping, errands, and running around. I have been keeping up on the car maintenance, I've been coordinating appointments and visits with family, and I'm just done being the one doing more of the heavy lifting (it feels like anyway). I clean the litter boxes and feed the cats, I do laundry, I cook dinner most nights (outside of takeout), and I'm tired. He does step up a lot and vacuums, does dishes, and does family-related things that don't involve leaving the house, which I appreciate.
Post by sporklemotion on May 28, 2021 15:27:45 GMT -5
picksthemusic, I understand your frustration. Could he start to do some of the other out of the house things that are a little less close-contact-y? I get where he is coming from and waited a long time to get a haircut myself. It felt weird, TBH, since it involves someone touching your head, etc. Maybe not a solution, but maybe if he did other errands it would help him get more used to being out of the house?
Post by landmermaid on May 28, 2021 16:27:38 GMT -5
picksthemusic I am very much your H. I've hated how completely incapacitated I have been this past year. I'm fully vaxxed as of this week, and I'm still afraid to go out (doesn't help with the mask mandates being relaxed. I'm trying to trust the science, it's the people I'm iffy about). I still disinfect my groceries, I'm still weird about the mail, I roll up my windows in my car if I drive by another car with their windows down. I know this is... irrational, and I'm working on it.
So, I want to say thank you. My H has put up with a lot this year and he's done much of it on his own. I haven't been an easy person to live with during all this. I recognize that and I bet your H does too. Thank you for all that you've done to keep things going and to make him feel safe.
To help you H out, what I've been trying to do little things to get myself out. It's been very uncomfortable each time, but it also gets easier each time. Order groceries online, but see if he'll pick them up. He doesn't have to go in, but briefly interacting with someone else is a little dose of normalcy. Does he need to make any Dr or dentist appts? Those were really hard for me, but I knew how important they were. Will he go to a park? Someplace outside with other people but he can stay as far away as he needs to feel comfort? Inside is a big hurdle for me, but I did go out to eat for the first time last weekend. I had to go inside for approx. 15 seconds to ask for a table and then picked a table outside I felt ok with. That may be a ways away for him. But just some suggestions.
You have been incredibly patient. I hope some of this helps and he can start to emerge soon. It's been really hard and has taken me months and many instances of having to go places and do things that I really, really didn't want to do. But I want normal back. Good luck to you both.
So, WWYD? DH is now fully vaccinated as of yesterday (2 weeks post-2nd vaccine). I've been cutting his hair this whole time (usually every 2 months or so). Now that he's vaccinated, I suggested he should go back to the barber to get his hair cut. He said he wants me to do it, he doesn't feel comfortable going out yet. He's been WFH this whole time, rarely goes out (he's been to the grocery store and to the office only a handful of times), and I am the one going in to work every day and doing the grocery shopping, and driving around for various errands and things that need to get done.
I thought it would be a big relief to have him vaccinated, and it is, but he's still so resistant to doing anything out of the house. I mean, we go see family, but that's it. He doesn't want to do the shopping, he barely goes to his appointments that he needs to do (eyes, doctor, dentist), and now he's saying he's not comfortable getting a haircut.
I know he has anxiety. I know he is probably dealing with what a lot of folks are dealing with, but I leave the house every day, see the public every day (masked, of course), and it's been fine. He knows this. He just doesn't want to do it (yet), he says. I'll cut his hair for him, I don't mind, but it'd be nice to not have to be the one responsible for yet another thing for our family.
Any advice or commiseration?
I would give him time. How are mask rules in your state? Mine very suddenly lifted all mask rules today for everyone, so I’m actually more scared than I’ve been in a really long time. My salon let us know that they aren’t requiring masking or asking about vaccine status since NJ has an honor system and I’m just not ready to sit for as long as getting my hair is done with unmasked people around me whose vaccine status is unknown. I don’t know when that will feel safe, I’m hoping that with a few months of these new non-rules and no surge I’ll feel like it wasn’t a dangerous decision and I’m ready to try again.
I’m super anxious, but my husband is also immunocompromised so the small chance of a breakthrough infection for me could have enormous repercussions for him.
picksthemusic I am very much your H. I've hated how completely incapacitated I have been this past year. I'm fully vaxxed as of this week, and I'm still afraid to go out (doesn't help with the mask mandates being relaxed. I'm trying to trust the science, it's the people I'm iffy about). I still disinfect my groceries, I'm still weird about the mail, I roll up my windows in my car if I drive by another car with their windows down. I know this is... irrational, and I'm working on it.
So, I want to say thank you. My H has put up with a lot this year and he's done much of it on his own. I haven't been an easy person to live with during all this. I recognize that and I bet your H does too. Thank you for all that you've done to keep things going and to make him feel safe.
To help you H out, what I've been trying to do little things to get myself out. It's been very uncomfortable each time, but it also gets easier each time. Order groceries online, but see if he'll pick them up. He doesn't have to go in, but briefly interacting with someone else is a little dose of normalcy. Does he need to make any Dr or dentist appts? Those were really hard for me, but I knew how important they were. Will he go to a park? Someplace outside with other people but he can stay as far away as he needs to feel comfort? Inside is a big hurdle for me, but I did go out to eat for the first time last weekend. I had to go inside for approx. 15 seconds to ask for a table and then picked a table outside I felt ok with. That may be a ways away for him. But just some suggestions.
You have been incredibly patient. I hope some of this helps and he can start to emerge soon. It's been really hard and has taken me months and many instances of having to go places and do things that I really, really didn't want to do. But I want normal back. Good luck to you both.
Thank you, this was incredibly kind and thoughtful for you to say. This is all good information, and ideas that are helpful. ☺️
picksthemusic - Are there any places near you where each stylist is renting their own small space? That’s how my hair dresser is, and it’s great. If they’re also vaccinated it might make him feel more comfortable to be in a more limited contact space.
No, but his barber does have open-sided cubicles so it feels like you're just with your stylist. So it's not like you're even in anyone else's space but your stylist. I dunno. I agree with baby steps.
I think this is stemming from the fact that I have been doing everything outside the home for the entire pandemic, with few exceptions, and this just feels like one more thing. I do all the shopping, errands, and running around. I have been keeping up on the car maintenance, I've been coordinating appointments and visits with family, and I'm just done being the one doing more of the heavy lifting (it feels like anyway). I clean the litter boxes and feed the cats, I do laundry, I cook dinner most nights (outside of takeout), and I'm tired. He does step up a lot and vacuums, does dishes, and does family-related things that don't involve leaving the house, which I appreciate.
I’d address it as a division of labor discussion. There’s a bunch of stuff that needs to be done and it sounds like you are doing a lot of it. If he’s uncomfortable doing some of the things out of the house that he used to do maybe he needs to pick up some of the stuff in the house. That gives him the time he needs to be comfortable leaving, but also takes some things off your plate too. I also agree with others that I’d definitely try to encourage small baby steps of getting out of the house in some capacity (outdoors, even if there aren’t other people around).
picksthemusic my husband is very reticent about relaxing protections and he's been fully vaccinated since January. I feel like I finally saw some light at the end of the tunnel yesterday--we went to the pool, sans masks. He felt very weird but said the sensation of being back to normal was wonderful.
So my recommendation is to have him do some more normal things that he loves. It's hard for anyone to relax while doing errands they hate.
So, WWYD? DH is now fully vaccinated as of yesterday (2 weeks post-2nd vaccine). I've been cutting his hair this whole time (usually every 2 months or so). Now that he's vaccinated, I suggested he should go back to the barber to get his hair cut. He said he wants me to do it, he doesn't feel comfortable going out yet. He's been WFH this whole time, rarely goes out (he's been to the grocery store and to the office only a handful of times), and I am the one going in to work every day and doing the grocery shopping, and driving around for various errands and things that need to get done.
I thought it would be a big relief to have him vaccinated, and it is, but he's still so resistant to doing anything out of the house. I mean, we go see family, but that's it. He doesn't want to do the shopping, he barely goes to his appointments that he needs to do (eyes, doctor, dentist), and now he's saying he's not comfortable getting a haircut.
I know he has anxiety. I know he is probably dealing with what a lot of folks are dealing with, but I leave the house every day, see the public every day (masked, of course), and it's been fine. He knows this. He just doesn't want to do it (yet), he says. I'll cut his hair for him, I don't mind, but it'd be nice to not have to be the one responsible for yet another thing for our family.
Any advice or commiseration?
Preface this that I am on a different wavelength than the vast majority of this board. So take my advice as a devil's advocate/different lens than the typical here. I have been reading a long this pandemic and I think the opinions here are quite extreme compared to the norm. I am vaccinated, work full time in a school in person as a counselor (since August), am comfortable not being masked, and am comfortable with my children being unmasked. I am not a Trumper or anti-vaxx at all. My daughter turns 12 and will get the vaccine ASAP. I am, however, anti normalization of anti-social behaviors. Humans need each other.
As a mental health provider I am alarmed at the normalization, borderline deification of disordered thinking around anxiety. As a collective, many people have been traumatized this year and they deserve our patience. They do not, however, deserve to be complimented or held as more "virtuous" for staying home, never unmasking, never hugging, and avoiding life in general. Agoraphobia and other anxiety disorders can really spiral if we are rewarding ourselves/others for those behaviors. If he's home and comfortable, ordering take out, reading, watching movies - it can really feed that anxiety. It is positive reinforcement of avoidance. There needs to be intentional forward progress toward exposure now that he's vaccinated and safe. It has been over a year for many people - that is a LONG time to never go out and see people - so this idea that we just let people continue these behaviors until they themselves decide to finally come outside is, IMO, dangerous.
I am very concerned with the way masks have been politicized as "good" by a segment of society. Ideally, they should be tools. Tools that, once they are not needed anymore, get put away and pulled out when we need them to be used as a tool (to prevent illness) again. Social emotional learning and speech development (in kids, and in some adults) are hindered greatly but universal masking. If you (general) feel *less* anxious in a mask because it allows you to avoid contact with others, hides your face, etc. - that is not healthy. If that is where masks or distancing or staying home has gone for you (general) then it's time to really consider therapy or a slow intentional walk back into the pool of society.
I was very scared in the early weeks of the pandemic. My kids and I were home, my husband still had to work in person in very close quarters and it was terrified. He saw my mental health deteriorating and helped me to be more pragmatic around mitigations we were taking. I'm so grateful that early on he pointed out some of the thoughts i was having that weren't healthy. I went back on my Zoloft - so I definitely had to make some progress beyond behaviors - but it wasn't easy (and this was last summer). He made me go on long walks, turn off the news, breath fresh air, and dive into data instead of click bait articles.
Take care of each other, everyone. Support doesn't always mean supporting unhealthy anxious behaviors. Sometimes it means gently working on a plan to bring someone back into healthy life. These next months require work for a lot of people.
Post by mrsukyankee on May 29, 2021 9:45:15 GMT -5
calmcosmo, I agree with you as a mental health provider. I'm seeing more clients really struggling with anxiety around Covid (and it's very normal but can move to not healthy very quickly) He may want to think about therapy at some point if his fears keep getting in the way of him getting outside. He will eventually NEED to take some steps to progressing into the world, especially with having had two vaccinations. I work through baby steps with my clients and help them make lists of least anxiety producing to most anxiety producing so they can work their way thought them.
Post by Velar Fricative on May 29, 2021 9:51:43 GMT -5
I do generally agree with calmcosmo. But I also remember how anxious I was when I returned to the office last June after we went almost nowhere for 3 months. It did subside after a few weeks, and we also didn’t have vaccinations then. And now I feel mostly great. Now we are dealing with a longer period of time that people have stayed home, so it may require a longer period of time to get reacclimated to more normal life even with vaccination. So I think it isn’t concerning that picksthemusic’s DH isn’t quite ready yet as long as he’s taking some steps to get to more normal life. If not, then yes, I agree that it could signal needing to speak to someone. It’s just hard to say how long someone should feel better by - like, if I think of him needing home haircuts for another year, that seems concerning for sure. But a month? Three months? Six months? That’s where it gets tricky to discern whether it’s normal or more of a concern. Although, talking to someone is rarely ever a bad thing!
Post by mrsukyankee on May 29, 2021 10:02:03 GMT -5
Velar Fricative, I wouldn't say a specific thing is bad. We have been able to get haircuts for over a month and I've not yet been comfy with it (because I don't have vax #2), but I do go outside and go into a shop or two. Not leaving the house at all or interacting at all now that someone is double vaxed is not a good thing and if it continues for much longer, then it can really become a major struggle. So, as long as someone is willing to do some small steps toward going out and about, that's fine, even if they choose not to do one or two things right away.
I have a friend who is fully vaccinated and currently Covid+ and staying just below the threshold of needing to be hospitalized. I know statistically, it’s going to happen, but it’s really throwing me for a loop.
I really don’t like that the CDC has changed the way they’re documenting breakthrough cases. I think it’s going to end up undercounting breakthrough cases & overestimating the vaccine. I’m also a little concerned with the numbers because the studies that were looking at the effectiveness of the vaccine were with people who were always wearing masks in public, right? So how do we know how protected we are without a mask?
I think (know) I’d feel much different about this if I lived in an area with high vaccine rates and few Covid deniers.
He is *just now* fully vaccinated so I'd be more patient, honestly. I wouldn't want to be cutting his hair forever myself, but I don't think it's unreasonable for him to work his way up to getting his hair cut elsewhere. In the meantime, he can spend time searching for shops that follow safety protocols, start with other steps like going to the grocery store, etc.
Thank you for this. I do need to be more patient. I've been desensitized by how often I go out, so it's expected for him to be more anxious about it all than I am.
Searching for quality barbers that follow safety protocols is a good idea. Have him check out the barber shop at MCTC if they've remained open (Weldon Barbers.) They're an actual barber shop, small, clean and highly rated. He can likely go in and check things out even without getting his hair cut.
(Just to make life easy, do NOT even bother looking toward Snohomish and that anti-masker jerk for hair care, lol.)
It might also help to take walks with him. Ease him outside. Walk around the lake, or the paths through/behind MCTC or one of the parks (Tambark is convenient to me, as is Willis Tucker, and there are plenty of forested walks for exercise, fresh air and breathability around here.) There is little enough traffic (especially on the gray days) that he should be okay, and under the trees is beautiful and shady.
speech development (in kids, and in some adults) are hindered greatly but universal masking.
Do you have data to support this claim? I’m an SLP and as far as I have seen, this is speculation and we won’t have clear answers for a while. There are plenty of reasons why many communication specialists are not all that concerned about masks.
Protesters against lockdown, Covid vaccines and vaccine passports tried to invade Westfield shopping centre in London, as hundreds more gathered in Parliament Square.
Videos on Twitter show a crowd taking over a Westfield shopping centre in Shepherd's Bush - despite initial attempts by police to block an entrance.
Please note - we can go to pubs and restaurants, we can have parties outside and even gather inside with smaller groups. We are moving forward in opening up and we get these fucking idiots doing idiotic things.
Thank you for this. I do need to be more patient. I've been desensitized by how often I go out, so it's expected for him to be more anxious about it all than I am.
Searching for quality barbers that follow safety protocols is a good idea. Have him check out the barber shop at MCTC if they've remained open (Weldon Barbers.) They're an actual barber shop, small, clean and highly rated. He can likely go in and check things out even without getting his hair cut.
(Just to make life easy, do NOT even bother looking toward Snohomish and that anti-masker jerk for hair care, lol.)
It might also help to take walks with him. Ease him outside. Walk around the lake, or the paths through/behind MCTC or one of the parks (Tambark is convenient to me, as is Willis Tucker, and there are plenty of forested walks for exercise, fresh air and breathability around here.) There is little enough traffic (especially on the gray days) that he should be okay, and under the trees is beautiful and shady.
That’s the one he goes to in normal times. We love it there.
Post by basilosaurus on May 29, 2021 17:13:04 GMT -5
Country where I'm living is on a curfew now of everything shut down at 8p. For weeks it's been no dining in anywhere. Mask mandate since March last year. Locally cases are in low digits, but it's a federal mandate. No travel without police permission.
Yes it's an absolute pita. But it's manageable for most. It's a really big pita for those of us trying to fly out as it requires multiple overnight quarantines. But I don't really mind. Safety first, kids.
picksthemusic, I think you need to separate the two problems (you are burned out and carrying too much of the load, and he's anxious about covid).
I have been on the very anxious end of the spectrum and felt absolute dread when the new mask guidance came out. I don't know what it is, but in the short time since then, I have relaxed so much. I think I just needed some time to process things. I also have been taking small steps and it has really really helped. I would definitely push that approach. Start with things he's most comfortable with even if you don't agree about his risk assessment. Also, I think you need to be careful to acknowledge his concerns even if you don't agree. It was immensely stressful when my H and I were not aligned about covid risks.
You can push him to look at things more objectively while also showing support for the fact that it's hard for him.
He is *just now* fully vaccinated so I'd be more patient, honestly. I wouldn't want to be cutting his hair forever myself, but I don't think it's unreasonable for him to work his way up to getting his hair cut elsewhere. In the meantime, he can spend time searching for shops that follow safety protocols, start with other steps like going to the grocery store, etc.
Thank you for this. I do need to be more patient. I've been desensitized by how often I go out, so it's expected for him to be more anxious about it all than I am.
I am your husband, to a lesser degree. I've started going out more in the last few months but I didn't go into a grocery store, Target, anywhere for over a year. I have underlying health issues with my lungs so I was higher risk than H and we separated our tasks this way. I do more stuff at home (I SAH) but he was definitely the errands and shopping guy. Even though he did all that, I'd still say we had a more even division of labor, which it seems like you're lacking. So I think it's worth evening that out, even if he doesn't feel comfortable doing out of the home chores.
I was just starting to come out of my shell (after being fully vaccinated) and then mask mandates were lifted and I am feeling paralyzed again. I am a scientist by schooling and work (influenza research) so I want to believe the CDC and research but this year has ruined me and I am working on it.