Leaving an alcoholic

[aetrying]

I’m a regular. My H is an alcoholic. He went through hospitalized withdrawal earlier this year, outpatient rehab, AA. Was sober until rehab ended. Now he’s drinking again. He looks like shit. He slurs a lot, has bad balance, friends and family have noticed. I told him 1 week ago to go to inpatient rehab. He won’t. I said he needs to take his meds (including lexapro), workout, eat healthy, go to AA and stop drinking. So far he has only take his meds 5 of the 7 days and hasn’t done anything else. I’m fairly certain he bought more booze yesterday.

I’m feeling done. I want him to leave the house which I can afford on my own. (He can’t). How do I get him to leave?

I control the finances. Not sure how that will work.

I know I need al anon (lots of meetings not happening so to covid) and a lawyer (this feels serious and I am feeling trigger shy).

I have 2 small kids. 😭

Help.

Or just anecdotes about how being alone is easier than this.

Or anything really.

[simpsongal]

I’m really sorry. Fvck addiction.

I’d schedule a consult with an attorney asap. Is there anyone else in his family that will take up the reigns and get him help? Somewhere he could stay?

I’d also schedule a consult with a therapist just to talk out where you are in this. Maybe there could be some couples counseling, but it sounds like he needs to get sober first.

ETA my mom has been helping my brother stay sober the last year. It’s a lot and eventually he needs to take over his life.

[Patsy Baloney]

If you’re ready, you’re ready.

I would play my cards close to my chest on this. See a lawyer. Get a clear view of how things are likely to go. I’d probably go so far as getting the paperwork ready to serve and just do it. Tell him to leave and you’re getting divorced.

You’ve delivered a lot of ultimatums. He’s sick and not taking responsibility for his wellness. That really sucks and you (and your kids!) don’t deserve that. If you want to give him a final ultimatum prior to serving him, go for it. One more Hail Mary. If you don’t, tell him to get lost.

I’m really sorry that you’re having to survive this. It will be better on the other side. Lots of Al-Anon meetings have gone virtual right now. It might help to just sit in one and start feeling the support and understanding.

[aetrying]

Sept 5, 2021 11:51:05 GMT -5 simpsongal said:

I’m really sorry. Fvck addiction.

I’d schedule a consult with an attorney asap. Is there anyone else in his family that will take up the reigns and get him help? Somewhere he could stay?

I’d also schedule a consult with a therapist just to talk out where you are in this. Maybe there could be some couples counseling, but it sounds like he needs to get sober first.

ETA my mom has been helping my brother stay sober the last year. It’s a lot and eventually he needs to take over his life.

I’d be open to him going to live with his parents while he gets sober. And then doing counseling. Not sure if they’d go for this. That would be ideal.

I love him and he’s a good dad but he is ill.

[sent]

Hugs to you, it is hard.

I made a concrete decision to leave when he started drinking and driving and had no remorse for doing so. I went to a lawyer and was preparing to pay my retainer. Then just 3 weeks after I saw the lawyer, I was the one who got very sick and spent about 2 years recovering physically and financially from that. After that, I couldn't follow through. His drinking issues became somewhat tolerable.

Do you have support from any family or friends? That might have helped me leave after I got better but who knows. He would be visibly intoxicated at family events and friend's weddings, and they all looked the other way when I would say this behavior is not right. They all pretended that it was just a momentary lapse and that if it wasn't, it was entirely my problem because I had signed the marriage certificate with him. One year, he got wasted at a friend's wedding when DS was 8 weeks old. The friends were all calling me at midnight to go pick him up and were shocked when I said "call the cops" and hung up. They called back and said "he's in an ambulance!" and I said "stop calling me, I literally don't care." I called my IL's who live 4 hours away and left a voicemail and told them to figure it out because I wasn't going anywhere to rescue him with a 4 year old and a 8 week old in tow.

I wish I had a better story to share, but I'm still here. I also have 2 young kids.

[winecat]

Do you think online Al-anon meetings would be helpful? I'm so sorry.

[expectantsteelerfan]

Hugs. I know starting with a lawyer can feel official and serious, but they really won't move forward until you are ready, and I think that is the best place to start to find out what your legal options are to get him out of the house. I think if you wanted to physically leave, you could probably put it off, but I wouldn't want to ask him to leave and have him refuse without knowing what the next legal step would be.

Do you have someone local you can confide in that would allow you and the kids to stay temporarily just as an extreme back up plan? I also understand if you don't want to confide in someone right yet, but I'd make sure there is at least 1 local person who knows what is going on.

[skidunks]

I’m really sorry for what you’re going through. I don’t have any suggestions but I didn’t want to read and not respond but man, alcohol can really suck.

[DotAndBuzz]

I'm so sorry.
Someone in my life is in a similar position, and it's so hard.
I don't think it's a bad idea to talk to an attorney. See what your legal options are in terms of asking him to leave. Maybe try an al-anon meeting online if you think it will help.

But it's ok to be done. His sobriety is not your "job."

So many hugs and good thoughts for you.

[Violet]

Just want to send some virtual hugs. Addiction is heartbreaking for everyone involved. I’m sure you are also aware it is a disease and just because he gets sober, it doesn’t mean the problem is gone. Only you can decide if you are willing to keep fighting that with your DH.

Also for getting him out of the house - you must consult a lawyer. This varies so much by state and you don’t want to mess it up. Especially because you have children. My sister was one of the horror stories of doing it wrong and she got slapped with a child abandonment type of charge which just made the legal bills and the divorce much worse than it needed to be.

[ste]

I said for years I was going to leave before I actually did. And then one day… I was just done. Nothing different or out of the ordinary had happened, just more of the same and knowing that was how it was going to be forever. And I just couldn’t anymore. We had 1 child together.

I don’t know that I recommend how I did it, but it was the only way I could process it at the time. We had already tried counseling, and he had already decided he didn’t like AA. He also did not like the idea of being medicated. I told him I wanted a divorce before I spoke to a lawyer. We really only had one day of fighting about it (not really fighting, him just going off on me basically), if I remember correctly. He left while I was at work and stayed at a hotel for a few days. He moved into his own apartment not long after.

Our divorce itself sucked, and I regret all of the ways in which I went out of my way to be as amicable and understanding as possible. But what’s done is done. While we had gotten to a relatively good place as coparents and could talk like almost friends again - he deferred to me on all significant decisions, but was generally flaky and absent, and I was growing more concerned about his drinking while DS was with him- he passed away very unexpectedly earlier this summer. All signs point to his drinking as the root cause.

I don’t wish anyone into our shoes. There are so many things I wish I could go back and change. You can only live your life for you and protect your kids as much as possible. I’m forever grateful that DS is still young enough that he doesn’t remember or wasn’t aware of XH drinking.

[aetrying]

Sept 5, 2021 12:03:51 GMT -5 expectantsteelerfan said:

Hugs. I know starting with a lawyer can feel official and serious, but they really won't move forward until you are ready, and I think that is the best place to start to find out what your legal options are to get him out of the house. I think if you wanted to physically leave, you could probably put it off, but I wouldn't want to ask him to leave and have him refuse without knowing what the next legal step would be.

Do you have someone local you can confide in that would allow you and the kids to stay temporarily just as an extreme back up plan? I also understand if you don't want to confide in someone right yet, but I'd make sure there is at least 1 local person who knows what is going on.

My in laws are in the loop and my sister who is local (although she has no space for us). My parents are a few hours away and also aware.

I just texted my in laws an update. I kind of just want them to say “we’re coming to get him!” But when we got married they said no give backs. 😂. 😭

I want my marriage to work and I understand it’s a disease, but I can’t fix him and I need to prioritize myself and my kids right now. I need him to go away snd come back healthy.

[ellipses84]

I think it’s true that some people have to hit rock bottom before they will get help. With you supporting him that may never happen. Go talk to a lawyer and set the wheels in motion. It doesn’t mean you have to complete the divorce or tell him anything yet. If a legal separation is an option, I’d do that first. If he’s not intolerable to live with, you can let him stay there until you have a court order for him to move out. It would be much easier for you if you can get him to willingly leave and stay with a relative or go to rehab.

Unfortunately he may also get worse, so you need to think about protecting your children. He will be entitled to visitation. You could ask for breathalyzer tests before visitation, a breathalyzer in his car or supervised visitation if that is a concern.

[aetrying]

I feel like everyone who knows keeps saying “let me know if I can help” but no one will just come here and take him away so I can focus on me and my kids! 😭. (I know this is unreasonable).

[aetrying]

Sept 5, 2021 12:37:25 GMT -5 ellipses84 said:

I think it’s true that some people have to hit rock bottom before they will get help. With you supporting him that may never happen. Go talk to a lawyer and set the wheels in motion. It doesn’t mean you have to complete the divorce or tell him anything yet. If a legal separation is an option, I’d do that first. If he’s not intolerable to live with, you can let him stay there until you have a court order for him to move out. It would be much easier for you if you can get him to willingly leave and stay with a relative or go to rehab.

Unfortunately he may also get worse, so you need to think about protecting your children. He will be entitled to visitation. You could ask for breathalyzer tests before visitation, a breathalyzer in his car or supervised visitation if that is a concern.

This was helpful to see written out. Thanks!

[isabel]

MIL left FIL about 7 years ago because of his alcoholism and various related traits that made him very difficult to live with. DH hasn’t spoken to his dad in nearly as long.

It is my experience that some people don’t seem to have a rock bottom. If everything DH’s dad went through because of his alcoholism wasn’t enough, nothing ever will be.

I’m not telling you what to do, but I do think that he needs to shoulder this burden on his own without your support or insistence that he do something about. He’ll either get to a point where he’s willing to put in the work or he won’t.

Go talk to an attorney.

[Jalapeñomel]

I have no advice, just wanted to say I’m so sorry, and I’m glad you’ve reached out for support even if we are internet strangers.

[flex]

He's definitely a sick person, but it's the very best for everyone all around (including him!) if you don't enable him. When, and if, he's truly ready, he may stop, but don't wait for that day to come. You've been given excellent advice to seek legal counsel and attend Al-Anon. ::hugs::

[sofamonkey]

Be prepared for things to get worse before they get better, and make sure you are the practical person not the nice guy. Ultimately, it’s nicer for you all if someone sets and holds reasonable boundaries.

I agree with seeing a lawyer, and the PP that stated various sobriety checkpoints with any visitation was wise. If he can pass those, there’s no issue. If he can’t, you’ll be glad they’re in place. With his rehab etc on record, it should be easier to get those boundaries and requirements set by the court.

You aren’t the bad guy here, and you’ve done nothing wrong. It’s ok to make sure that you and your children are safe from this behavior. It’s ok to put yourselves first. It’s ok to not prioritize his health right now. It’s ok to make him be responsible for his life and choices. And no matter what you do, this all makes for a difficult road. Best of luck to you, and I’m glad you have so much support.

[plutosmoon]

Go see a lawyer to find out what you can legally do. I didn't divorce an alcoholic, but I did divorce someone with severe untreated mental illness, he has erratic and unpredictable behavior. I saw a lawyer early on so I knew what I could do to safely protect myself and my child. Going to a lawyer doesn't always mean filing, it will help you figure out options.

I opened my own bank account so that I could ensure bills were paid and save up money for a lawyer. I took him off my credit cards. The lawyer told me once the divorce had been filed finances couldn't change so to make sure I did these things before any filings. He could stay in the house if he wanted until the court told him to leave, or if he turned violent, which he didn't, although he teetered close to it. The lawyer told me I could legally leave with my child if needed. I was able to convince my ex to move out because his job was about a 40 minute drive from our home. Ex made just over minimum wage, so I helpfully found him a subsidized apartment 1 mile from his job, that got him out.

He no longer sees DD, he has very minimal visitation rights (1 day/month, no overnights) which I am grateful he does not exercise. I haven't heard from him since we sold our house and he berated me via email over some minor repair costs he was obligated to split. My life is calmer and easier. I was already doing 90% of the household and parenting tasks, and now I no longer had him to parent.

It's ok to be done if he is unable or unwilling to get healthy. It's hard to leave someone you love, knowing who they are when they are healthy. My DD was being impacted too much by it all and I had to put her over the grown man who refused to get help.

[Nonny]

I don't have any advice, but I wanted to say I'm sorry. 

[ste]

Also, I forgot to mention in my other post - I am so much happier. Of course I have regrets and guilt about XH and his life and how things ended, but that’s also 20+ years of codependency talking. Even life for DS - who will deal with the trauma of losing his dad so young - is more stable and honestly happier. Our lives are much more even keeled than they were back then.

And I’m happily married now in a relationship with a wonderful, healthy man who respects and values us. It’s unlike anything I experienced previously.

[aetrying]

Is there any chance he can get better without a divorce or is that just wishful thinking?

Ugh. I’m all over the place.

One minute, I’m all bye Felicia and the next I’m like “hey I can fix you!” (Codependent, I know)

[peachie]

Sept 5, 2021 12:37:35 GMT -5 aetrying said:

I feel like everyone who knows keeps saying “let me know if I can help” but no one will just come here and take him away so I can focus on me and my kids! 😭. (I know this is unreasonable).

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. Can you specifically tell your inlaws that its gotten so bad you need him out of the house for a while and ask that they come and get him? You shouldn't have to deal with this totally on your own.  If anything, that might make both your inlaws and maybe your H realize that his addiction has gotten so bad and he needs more treatment/rehab.

Year ago, my dad's brother was an alcoholic and was living with my Grandma. One night my Grandma had enough and called my dad saying she needed him out of the house ASAP. My dad went and got him that morning and drove him three hours back to the city where he lived and his brother immediately entered rehab. The good news is that he is sober to this day and doing great. I really think getting kicked out of my grandma's house and cluing in more family to severity of the situation was a huge wakeup call for my uncle. 

Hugs to you and your kids. 

[sofamonkey]

Only he can fix him. You just want him fixed really really badly, but it is not up to you.

But you don’t have to get a divorce. You can do a legal separation, which will have some of the same provisions in place.

[aetrying]

Sept 5, 2021 15:01:40 GMT -5 peachie said:

Sept 5, 2021 12:37:35 GMT -5 aetrying said:

I feel like everyone who knows keeps saying “let me know if I can help” but no one will just come here and take him away so I can focus on me and my kids! 😭. (I know this is unreasonable).

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. Can you specifically tell your inlaws that its gotten so bad you need him out of the house for a while and ask that they come and get him? You shouldn't have to deal with this totally on your own.  If anything, that might make both your inlaws and maybe your H realize that his addiction has gotten so bad and he needs more treatment/rehab.

Year ago, my dad's brother was an alcoholic and was living with my Grandma. One night my Grandma had enough and called my dad saying she needed him out of the house ASAP. My dad went and got him that morning and drove him three hours back to the city where he lived and his brother immediately entered rehab. The good news is that he is sober to this day and doing great. I really think getting kicked out of my grandma's house and cluing in more family to severity of the situation was a huge wakeup call for my uncle. 

Hugs to you and your kids. 

This is what I really want. I told them today how bad it was. They just kind of said sorry. And also they need to quarantine and test this week because of an exposure. 🤦‍♀️ I might specifically try to stop over there next weekend to suggest this. My H is currently not talking to them because my FIL came over last weekend to talk to him when I told him how bad things are. My H said it’s none of their business. Except it is.

My ILs and I historically have a very strained relationship but this has brought us together a bit. When my H got hospitalized he joked that at least me and his parents get along now. LOL

Ideally I want him in inpatient. If he does outpatient then I think I need a break with him living elsewhere while he does it.

Although…I think my MIL is also an alcoholic. 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

[chilerellanos]

When you’re done, you’re done.

I stayed way too long and made so many excuses to my friends and family for his behavior, and that’s the thing I would do differently.

Being a single mom is hard, but far preferable to being stuck in a situation like that.

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

[cricketwife]

I haven’t dealt with this but I didnt want to read and not respond. I’m really sorry. It’s heartbreaking to be powerless to help a loved one.

[aetrying]

Also since addicts need to want to get better to get better do ultimatums like “go to inpatient or we are done” work? Or is it just setting them up for failure?

Inpatient is better than outpatient right? I mean he was successful DURING outpatient but I do feel his mental health issues were never addressed (I think he has bad anxiety and possibly depression). Inpatient would address more of that, right?

I really appreciate everyone here. Just trying to information gather before I make irreversible decisions.

[abs]

I’m really sorry.

I grew up with an alcoholic (my mom’s second husband). It wasn’t fun or pleasant. I can tell you from experience that until he is ready to get better and make some changes you can’t do a whole lot to help. You can get him in all the inpatient/outpatient therapy there is in the world but until he’s bought in it won’t last.

My mom ended up filing for divorce and I won’t lie I was thrilled. We were so much better off without the constant stress he brought us. My mom is a fixer, too, so I know that was hard but ultimately the best thing.

I think you need him out of the house. After you have done distance yourself can reassess how you are feeling. It’s of course possible for him to overcome this. Addiction is a very long and hard road.