I'm feeling conflicted about my family and Christmas.
PDQ
Prior to my trip down to Oregon in October, my mom had mentioned us coming down. We alternate years, and this would be their year. However, I had the long visit with the whole family in October because of my dad's freak out about my mom's health (me, my sis and BIL who are local, and my bro and SO who are in Colorado).
That trip was not good for me physically (it wrecked my already messed up back, between the long car ride and sleeping in a crap bed) or mentally (asshole anti-vax brother; fight with my sister, although we made up; family putting my mom into hospice just a few days after I left, without mentioning or discussing it with me, and over my mom's protests).
It hasn't actually come up again about us coming down for Christmas so this might be me stressing over nothing - maybe my parents don't actually want me to come down since I was there so recently, and that's why they haven't mentioned it. But potentially this could be my mom's last Christmas and it's her absolute favorite holiday.
Honestly, I don't want to go if they were to ask. It feels both selfish, and also the right thing for me, at least at this point in time. I'm rambling.
omglol, SAME. Like, I realized that no, it is actually really easy and natural to nurture and care for your children. That neglecting, belittling, and insulting them is not a normal way to parent. That it’s actually easy to choose kindness and affection. It’s a LOT.
My dad emailed me today to tell me that his surgery is on for the end of December. I haven't seen him or my mom (they are together) in almost 3 years, b/c they moved and then b/c of COVID.
I asked to go see him last weekend, and he said no--partly b/c he doesn't think any of this is a big deal, and partly b/c he doesn't want me to potentially expose him to COVID (I'm vaxxed + boosted, he is as well, but I work in a school--I don't want to bring it to him either). I "get" it in my head, but in my heart and my soul, I'm lost.
He and my mom were going to come here the week after Christmas (they don't like to travel for major holidays) if he wasn't going to be able to get the surgery (insurance was jacking him around). But now he is, and I haven't seen him (and won't) before that date. I just feel like this thing is going to go really south (he has a complicating factor) and that will be it and I'll be left holding the bag, forever wanting that "one last/more time". I even told him all of that, and he was all, "ah, hey, it's no big deal, we'll see each other in the spring" (the recovery time is 3 months, no travel allowed).
I understand that I can't go at this point--I can't take the risk of giving him COVID and then he's not able to have the surgery.
There were a lot of fucked up things about my childhood & our relationship that I still am trying to process/work through (I saw a counselor for 10 years off and on about it all), but he and I are in many ways the same person and the thought of "::finger snap::he's just gone"--I don't know what to do with that.
omglol, I’m right there with you on every single word. Part of my current mental health struggle has been due to this very thing. And advocating for myself is triggering all the needs that went unmet. It’s so heavy. I’m hoping this unraveling leads to some healing.
Sending hugs and support to everyone struggling. Truly.
My sweet Cora's paw print plaque was just delivered to my vet's office so I have to go pick that up today. I had another full blown meltdown again on Saturday. I cry every day for her. My heart is just broken and I'm worried that I'll never feel as happy as when I had my 3 dogs and 3 cats. I just felt like my family was perfect and I don't know what to do now.
omg same! My Blakes ashes were delivered today. I cant stop crying, everything reminds me of him. The house is empty and there is a big old whole right in the middle of my heart. I hate going home at the end of the day
Post by Leeham Rimes on Dec 8, 2021 6:37:11 GMT -5
Nonny , "It feels both selfish, and also the right thing for me", the only person who can look out for you is you. Nobody else is going to put you first. You do what is best for you and don't feel guilty for a minute for standing up for yourself.
I need ham like water Like breath, like rain I need ham like mercy From Heaven's gate Sometimes ham salad or casserole or ham that’s free range, all natural I need ham
Post by Leeham Rimes on Dec 8, 2021 6:43:05 GMT -5
notsopicky, I'm sorry. It seems like a weird parent thing to not admit to the seriousness of a health issue. MIL never told us she had lung cancer until she was a few months from death. like---wtf. (i mean, not saying your dad won't do well, but just the total seemingly blasé attitude about it)
I need ham like water Like breath, like rain I need ham like mercy From Heaven's gate Sometimes ham salad or casserole or ham that’s free range, all natural I need ham
Post by Leeham Rimes on Dec 8, 2021 6:51:32 GMT -5
I have been at arms length with my mother for a while, but I haven't been able to completely cut her off. She keeps steam rolling my boundaries, and I just ignore the attempts. (calling attention to them makes it worse).
Last night (on Wesley's FUCKING BIRTHDAY) she texted for me and my sister to call her b/c father no longer qualifies for the nursing home he is in because "he's of sound mind" or fucking whatever and he wants to come home. I called later that evening (even though every fiber of my being didn't want to) and told her that I wasn't sure why she even needed to talk to us b/c we didn't have any say or choice in the matter. She responded "neither do I" and I lost my ever loving mind. I told her she had all the choices, she could have divorced him anywhere from 30 years ago (when it starting getting really bad) to--like, now, and saved us all the heartache and bankrupting addiction issues. I then said that I couldn't talk about it anymore bc I can't handle it, but if he goes home, that's it. I'm done with both of them. (Oh and she added in that he's "in therapy" and his therapist told him that HE NEEDS TO STAND UP FOR HIMSELF. So I'm not sure what fake ass story he's lying to his therapist about but my god. Why go to therapy IF YOU'RE JUST GOING TO LIE?)
What's extra annoying is that we were supposed to go over her house for Christmas and I was supposed to bring food, so---like now what?
Leave it to my father to ruin absolutely fucking everything---AGAIN.
I need ham like water Like breath, like rain I need ham like mercy From Heaven's gate Sometimes ham salad or casserole or ham that’s free range, all natural I need ham
Just sending you love. I’m sorry we all had to endure this treatment in our lives. It’s so hard, and it’s such a mind fuck. I wish we could all go away together and heal. It’s especially difficult when you try to get help and advocate for yourself and it doesn’t go as planned. I totally relate to the feelings of being triggered by trying to advocate without success. It was a major setback for me that I haven’t even attempted to work out with so much else going on.
(( Leeham Rimes )). You've been dealing with this for so long. You're doing great. Just like your dad, your mom likely will never see herself as anything other than a victim. The dynamic is similar in my family and it's so fucking hard.
((( Leeham Rimes ))) you've always been pretty open about the shit your parents have put you through and it's a LOT. I think it reaches a point where a person is just done. Do you feel like you can't just be done? Like not respond or spend Christmas with your immediate family?
Nonny , "It feels both selfish, and also the right thing for me", the only person who can look out for you is you. Nobody else is going to put you first. You do what is best for you and don't feel guilty for a minute for standing up for yourself.
Nonny, Yes, this. It's okay to choose what is right for you.
Your anti-vax brother isn't concerned about being selfish.
(( Leeham Rimes )). You've been dealing with this for so long. You're doing great. Just like your dad, your mom likely will never see herself as anything other than a victim. The dynamic is similar in my family and it's so fucking hard.
So true about my mother. So. True. She gets some sort of amazing validation with the victim mentality bc I can’t explain it otherwise.
I need ham like water Like breath, like rain I need ham like mercy From Heaven's gate Sometimes ham salad or casserole or ham that’s free range, all natural I need ham
((( Leeham Rimes ))) you've always been pretty open about the shit your parents have put you through and it's a LOT. I think it reaches a point where a person is just done. Do you feel like you can't just be done? Like not respond or spend Christmas with your immediate family?
It’s something I struggle with. To be “done”. I really don’t know why bc not much in my life would change (my mother doesn’t help in any way, shape, or form), except I’d likely lose my sister and I’ve worked so hard in getting that relationship somewhat healthy. The fall out from being done is what keeps me from completely cutting them out. I am working on that in therapy.
I need ham like water Like breath, like rain I need ham like mercy From Heaven's gate Sometimes ham salad or casserole or ham that’s free range, all natural I need ham
((( Leeham Rimes ))) you've always been pretty open about the shit your parents have put you through and it's a LOT. I think it reaches a point where a person is just done. Do you feel like you can't just be done? Like not respond or spend Christmas with your immediate family?
It’s something I struggle with. To be “done”. I really don’t know why bc not much in my life would change (my mother doesn’t help in any way, shape, or form), except I’d likely lose my sister and I’ve worked so hard in getting that relationship somewhat healthy. The fall out from being done is what keeps me from completely cutting them out. I am working on that in therapy.
Leeham Rimes, thanks for your support, and I'm sorry about your own parents being awful. I love the holidays, but I swear, they bring out the monsters in families, and open up all sorts of doors and windows to let in the manipulation.
notsopicky , I'm sorry. It seems like a weird parent thing to not admit to the seriousness of a health issue. MIL never told us she had lung cancer until she was a few months from death. like---wtf. (i mean, not saying your dad won't do well, but just the total seemingly blasé attitude about it)
Agree 100%. MIL wasn't much different. She died of cancer, we think ovarian cancer, but she never confirmed that with either of her sons. We think FIL knows for sure, but even he has never confirmed that with H or BIL.
My sweet Cora's paw print plaque was just delivered to my vet's office so I have to go pick that up today. I had another full blown meltdown again on Saturday. I cry every day for her. My heart is just broken and I'm worried that I'll never feel as happy as when I had my 3 dogs and 3 cats. I just felt like my family was perfect and I don't know what to do now.
omg same! My Blakes ashes were delivered today. I cant stop crying, everything reminds me of him. The house is empty and there is a big old whole right in the middle of my heart. I hate going home at the end of the day
My grandpa got Covid. Then he got pneumonia from it. Then they found atrial fib. Then he went home on meds for the AF. Then he passed out and fell and was rushed back to the ER. He was in really bad shape. Then he got a glass n of blood and had an endoscopy and they found a duodenal ulcer. Now he can't be on the heart meds.
Basically he's just reached that stage where shit is going wrong every which way and he is so old and fragile that he can't recover.
So that sucks and I'm sad for him but he also is really old, still mentally aware and really clear that he doesn't want any extreme life saving measures, he has a DNR, and he wants to die before he loses his mind or declines physically to the point he is in a home or can't do the things he enjoys.
FWP alert: The petty part is I coordinated a family trip over Xmas and it was a GIANT pain in the ass because no one could make up their fucking minds. So we ended up with a really expensive house and H and I are paying more than our share. I was annoyed because it would have been cheaper if people could make a damn decision but I was sort of ok with it because I knew Gpa might not be around much longer.
Now he can't go. So we paid a fortune for a five bedroom house that we only need 3 bedrooms for (because his wife's son will also now not be coming). And because people fucked around for so long we couldn't get a house that is fully refundable so we are going to lose half the money if we cancel. So I guess we will probably go anyway. And I am planning a separate emergency trip to visit Gpa.
I can relate to a lot of this. My grandma has all these medical problems (yet all her tests come out pretty well) but she's always sick. Since Memorial Weekend my life has been on hold to try to care/find the right care and treatment for her. She needs 24/7 care right now and it's exhausting. I think the rest of my family wants to put her in a nursing home but they want me to find one and make the decision. I hate it all. Oh and she has very little money but I have to figure that out too. Anyhow, sick grandparents break my heart so I'm sorry you are dealing with it too.