Sort of S/O: Regrets/Do-overs

[VillainV]

I just finished listening to an audio book that I LOVED (The Midnight Library). The premise of the book is that at the moment you die, as you hover between life and death, you get the opportunity to make a different decision or undo a regret, and see how it would have affected the rest of your life. Like, what would have happened if you’d picked a different major, or stayed in a relationship. Even small regrets (like wishing you’d gone on a date) can lead to big changes in your life.

So, if you had the opportunity for a do-over to see how your life would be different, what would you pick? Has to be something directly related to a decision or choice that you made.

I would like to see how my life would have turned out if I hadn’t married my first husband. He was emotionally abusive and controlling. I feel like without him, I would have made bolder decisions in the early part of my career that could have sent me in a different direction, and I’d like to see where that would have taken me.

[Bernadine]

I really try not to have regrets, but if I have one, it would be not going away to college. So that’s what I’d choose.

[gummybear]

I would have taken my grandmother to the ER instead of taking her home and helping her to bed. She was exhibiting signs of a stroke but the Dr. had cleared her earlier that day and my mom and aunt believed him. I KNEW it was wrong. She had a massive stroke in her sleep that night and never woke up. 

[joy]

I do not regret my life or my choices, but it is fun to wonder what would have happened if I picked a different major. I had the choice of chemistry or french. I chose chemistry.

Had I chose french, would I have become fluent? Moved to France? Married a french man? Oh, the thoughts!

[joy]

Jun 13, 2022 7:43:00 GMT -5 gummybear said:

I would have taken my grandmother to the ER instead of taking her home and helping her to bed. She was exhibiting signs of a stroke but the Dr. had cleared her earlier that day and my mom and aunt believed him. I KNEW it was wrong. She had a massive stroke in her sleep that night and never woke up. 

No, please don’t put that on yourself. My grandmother was in the hospital for weeks before she died of a massive stroke. The doctors did not know or understand what was wrong. She was having ministrokes. They called my mom about a week after she died saying “she has bleeding in her brain, she needs to be seen” and my mom had to tell them that she died. It was awful and eye-opening.

Hugs, gummybear.

[gummybear]

Jun 13, 2022 7:45:08 GMT -5 joy said:

Jun 13, 2022 7:43:00 GMT -5 gummybear said:

I would have taken my grandmother to the ER instead of taking her home and helping her to bed. She was exhibiting signs of a stroke but the Dr. had cleared her earlier that day and my mom and aunt believed him. I KNEW it was wrong. She had a massive stroke in her sleep that night and never woke up. 

No, please don’t put that on yourself. My grandmother was in the hospital for weeks before she died of a massive stroke. The doctors did not know or understand what was wrong. She was having ministrokes. They called my mom about a week after she died saying “she has bleeding in her brain, she needs to be seen” and my mom had to tell them that she died. It was awful and eye-opening.

Hugs, gummybear .

Thank you <3 I've worked through it in therapy so I KNOW I should not burden myself with this guilt. But the "what if" haunts me. I'm so sorry about your grandmother too.

[macmars45]

I would've have stayed an extra semester or two at college to earn my teaching certificate in prek-3rd grade as a part of my BA in Human Development. I was so close (4ish classes and student teaching if I'm remembering correctly) away. My parents were paying for most of my degree and they declined to continue since the remaining classes weren't necessary for me to graduate. I was scared to take out loans as my at the time FI's (H of 13 years now) $65K loans I'd be helping pay back were coming due. We were both broke. I felt a lot of pressure to earn money for us so we could pay them back.

(hugs) gummybear . I'm so sorry.

[bears]

I wish I pushed against my parents' wishes and applied to more competitive colleges. They wouldn't pay those application fees or fill out a FAFSA. They were very ignorant of the whole process and thought there was no way I would get significant financial aid.

I wish I got better mental health help in grad school. The therapist I saw once was terrible and the medication I got made me literally want to die. Insted of trying again, I just sucked it up for 15+ years. I finally got medication and it's been so helpful.

[gummybear]

Jun 13, 2022 7:50:25 GMT -5 bears said:

I wish I got better mental health help in grad school. The therapist I saw once was terrible and the medication I got made me literally want to die. Insted of trying again, I just sucked it up for 15+ years. I finally got medication and it's been so helpful.

Related to this, one of my biggest what-ifs is related to mental health as well. For my entire school career, I was chastised, admonished and punished for "not working to my potential", being lazy, being disruptive, and not paying attention. At home, I was accused of being hysterical, not going with the flow and never working hard enough. The way I was treated by teachers inflicted lifelong feelings of inadequacy, shame, and low self-confidence. When I put older DD in therapy when she was 8, it was like being hit with a Mac truck. What I learned through that was that what I felt was NOT normal and healthy and that I suffered from GAD. I got myself in therapy and it literally changed my life. Likewise, younger DD was flagged for inattentive ADHD and had a full neuro-psych exam. Again, through her dx. I learned that it fit me to a tee as well. 

When I talked to my GP about the ADHD, I started crying. I still tear up when I think about it. I suffered SO much and felt SO bad about myself for DECADES. I always wonder "what if" I had been properly dx. and treated myself as a young child instead of being made to feel so bad about myself.

[wanderingback]

Jun 13, 2022 7:43:28 GMT -5 joy said:

I do not regret my life or my choices, but it is fun to wonder what would have happened if I picked a different major. I had the choice of chemistry or french. I chose chemistry.

Had I chose french, would I have become fluent? Moved to France? Married a french man? Oh, the thoughts!

Yep I agree with this. No real regrets or anything I’d change.
I almost minored in Spanish in college and did study abroad. But I was a student athlete and studying abroad didn’t work well with being a college athlete, so I stuck with my sport and never went abroad. I wonder what would have happened if I did.

But I ended up taking an even larger risk and living abroad anyway several years later, so it’s all good.

[bears]

(( gummybear ))

[lucybrown]

I would have chosen a different career path/major and pushed back on my mom saying I should aim higher than a career in cosmetology or as a massage therapist. Maybe that wouldn’t have been my field, but I’d have pursued a career in a more creative, hands on field. I’ve enjoyed my education and career in academia, but it’s missing a tangible piece that I would find very satisfying.

I realize It’s not too late and I am exploring options. With small kids, I’ve stayed for the benefits and have pursued some of these things as side hustles.

Also, I’d have pursued therapy and cut toxic people out of my life sooner.

[lucybrown]

Oh, and I would have definitely studied abroad. I was a first gen kid that didn’t think it was attainable/affordable. It kept me from ever even talking to anyone about it. I see now how wrong I was and push my students to go check it out if they’re interested. I’ve literally walked them to the office so they don’t have to go alone.

[Jalapeñomel]

I cannot really fix this, but I really needed a diagnosis for my OCD and depression in HS (probably late elementary/early MS if I'm being honest). I believe if I had been diagnosed earlier, I would've gone to med school.

[VillainV]

Jun 13, 2022 7:43:28 GMT -5 joy said:

I do not regret my life or my choices, but it is fun to wonder what would have happened if I picked a different major. I had the choice of chemistry or french. I chose chemistry.

Had I chose french, would I have become fluent? Moved to France? Married a french man? Oh, the thoughts!

I agree with you. I definitely try not to have “regrets” in my life. In general I like how my life has ended up — if I hadn’t married my first husband and made those choices and decisions, I likely wouldn’t have met my current husband or had our son. But yes, sometimes it’s interesting to wonder “what if.”

[lucybrown]

gummybear, same. I was diagnosed with ADHD at 39 because going through it with DD was really eye opening. I internalized so many negative messages about never working hard enough and have spent my life overcompensating. It’s exhausting and I’m finally letting of it and embracing myself as I am.

[gummybear]

lucybrown ((hugs))
Exhausting is the perfect word. I am so glad you have embraced yourself!

[brooke77]

I liked that book 😀

Definitely not a regret, but a “what if….”. I sometimes wonder what life would be like if we had tried for a second child. I had my DS at 34 (DH was 36), and I thought I was too old to try for a second. I also adore my DS and thought that I didn’t have enough time to dedicate to 2 kids. All of those things are still true and our family is very happy. But sometimes I have those “what if” thoughts…

[dancingnancy]

I just read that book and really liked it.

My biggest regret was my whole college experience - just a series of really bad decisions. But those bad experiences lead to post college decisions I never would have made and wouldn’t have the life I have now, so I honestly don’t know if I’d change anything.

[twinmomma]

It's hard to say I regret my first marriage when I ended up with my children from it, but I do regret staying for as long as I did. I married my high school boyfriend right after we graduate from college. I thought I knew what love was, but turns out, I was just stuck in an abusive relationship for way, way too long. My family and friends tried to stop me from marrying him but he had me so convinced that they were they enemy, I went through with it. But without that marriage I wouldn't have my girls - and they were an unplanned pregnancy that kept me in that marriage even longer. I also learned how strong I really am and what I don't have to put up with in relationships.

[carmenere]

I wonder what my life would be like if I had gone to law school. That was always my plan but my mom died when I was in college and I decided I would put off applying until I was in a better place. I don't think I have regrets, but I would just love to know so I could mentally close that door.

[cricketwife]

Jun 13, 2022 7:43:28 GMT -5 joy said:

I do not regret my life or my choices, but it is fun to wonder what would have happened if I picked a different major. I had the choice of chemistry or french. I chose chemistry.

Had I chose french, would I have become fluent? Moved to France? Married a french man? Oh, the thoughts!

Lol, I chose French.  I did become fluent (not native, but fluent).  I did not marry a French man or move to France.  #sadtrombone.  

Instead, I married a Brit in America.  I feel like I should have just been a chemical engineer, ha!

[penelope]

I would have ran and ran hard from the boyfriend I had my senior year in high school. He was controlling and physically abusive and I wound up with the wrong group of people for years. I somehow made it through college, but I had a straw up my nose for the majority of it and caused my mom so much stress and pain. I did leave him but wound up with another real winner for a few years....it wasn't until I was 24 that I sobered up and straightened my shit out. By then I would have been in graduate school (per my plans before meeting him).

That said, I wouldn't have my kids right now as I wouldn't have met X-H if I had left and gone to graduate school. So...would I make that change if I could? No, not now.

[Aloe Vera]

melmaria I could have written this. I kept having dreams about marrying the wrong person. I thought this was normal wedding stress. But, thanks to this, I met my now husband and had this silly kid that I love.

I regret listening to my parents about college majors. They were out of touch and didn't know squat. I would have gone into nursing then midwifery. I went into business instead and I don't like it as much as I though I would. That's the advice I give HS kids around me: don't listen to your parents about college unless they work at one and understand the current job market. Even better, ask several people around you about your future career, people who are right in the thick of it. Things change in 20+ years.

[gummybear]

Jun 13, 2022 9:02:22 GMT -5 Aloe Vera said:

I regret listening to my parents about college majors. They were out of touch and didn't know squat. I would have gone into nursing then midwifery. I went into business instead and I don't like it as much as I though I would. That's the advice I give HS kids around me: don't listen to your parents about college unless they work at one and understand the current job market. Even better, ask several people around you about your future career, people who are right in the thick of it. Things change in 20+ years.

I completely agree with this. My parents were so liberal arts focused. They were adamant I major in something "intellectual". It would have been impossible to know this at the time but my major/career path suffered bc I wasn't open to more diverse things. I think this is also a product of going to high school at an all-girls Catholic "college prep" academy. STEM and business just didn't exist and weren't even on the table. I figured it out in college but it was almost too late. 

[rupertpenny]

My therapist keeps telling me to read this book, lol.

I wonder what would have happened if I never married my H, or if I just generally had not tied myself down when I was so young (met at 23, engaged at 24, married at 25, @pregnany at 26).

[eb777888]

I would love to see what my life would look like if I didn't SAH and kept working. I definitely don't regret staying home, but I often wonder what my career would look like if I hadn't. I don't think I could've taken either road without a twinge of "what if..."

Also, I wonder what our life would be like had we been successful with a second child. I wonder what David would be like as a big brother.

[elefun]

Jun 13, 2022 7:39:42 GMT -5 Bernadine said:

I really try not to have regrets, but if I have one, it would be not going away to college. So that’s what I’d choose.

I was going to say, that would be the path I'd like to see for me as well. I don't have it as a regret cause my life turned out great but I do wish I could see my life if I'd chosen that path.

[loira]

I loved The Midnight Library!

I wish I had never bought my trainer's horse. She was absolutely the wrong horse for me, because I had terrible performance anxiety and this mare picked up on everything. Not really the horse's fault but it killed my confidence and I ended up competing at a much lower level with her than with my previous horse. I was 15 years old and I didn't understand that this was probably a convenient deal for my trainer, and my parents didn't know better either. I ended up leaving the sport feeling awful about it, and I wish I had left on more of a high note rather than feeling like I had fizzled out.

[Wines Not Whines]

I don’t have any major regrets, but it would be interesting to see how my life would be different if I’d chosen a different career path. I was a science major in college, but I went in a different direction for grad school. I thought about going to medical school or getting a PhD in a science field.