msmerymac, my mom had a conversation like that with me too. Although I think I was threatening to tell someone my dad hit me or something in the middle of a fight. I can’t remember if he had manhandled me during that particular argument or if I was just going to report it in general. I was maybe 12 and the whole thing was so messed up.
Just recently my therapist helped me realize some of the non-physical stuff he did (and my mom saw no issue with or did nothing to stop) was abuse. I’m still not totally sure I agree, but I can say for sure I would never do those things or treat my husband and kids how he treated me and my sister and mom.
Post by sometimesrunner on Jan 30, 2023 23:10:53 GMT -5
I was spanked one time. I was loosing my ever loving mind about something, to the point where I was kicking a wall we shared with our neighbors. My dad lost his mind and spanked me. I was probably four at the time. That’s the only punishment I ever remember as a child. I was an only until I was 8 so it’s hard to get into too much trouble by yourself.
Edit: my parents never threatened me/us and never even raised their voices at me as a child, so this was extremely out of character for them. I’m sure if I told my dad I remembered this it would crush him, since he is a gentle soul. I really harbor no ill will, but I definitely would it it was a common occurrence.
As PP has said, these responses are heartbreaking. I wish I could reach through the computer and give you all hugs. I wish I could go back in time and give you all hugs as children.
My parents never hit us and as far as I know their parents never hit them.
I'm a no/rarely. My mom has said they did once or twice for "dangerous" situations like running into the street, but I don't remember.
I still know people who spank and I'm always surprised, but then not. I never know what to say about it when they talk about "having to spank" their kids because I am absolutely against it but don't want to come off super judgemental.
Not that I remember. I do have a vivid memory of my mom spanking my little brother after he ran away from her in a parking lot once, but I think she was just terrified and didn’t know what to do.
My mom slapped me across the face a few times as a teenager. I finally told her if she hit me again, I’d hit her back. Probably not the best solution, but she never did hit me again.
I would say my husband grew up in a physically abusive household. He and my in laws would be appalled to hear it categorized that way, but he got hit pretty much daily.
Post by dreamcrisp1 on Jan 31, 2023 5:22:52 GMT -5
Yes, they certainly tried. I ran faster than they did so mostly they threw things at me. I was the third child and they were tired by then. I was defiant and rebellious to them (to most, I was normal and just challenged their archaic boundaries). It was culturally normal as it is the norm where they are from. They definitely spanked my siblings more. I am an entirely different kind of parent. They did what they know best based on what they were raised with. It took a long time to forgive them and get to that place of acceptance. I know better and have access to resources that show me what’s the better way to parent so I definitely follow that route. I was taught to be a perfectionist, never have emotions, and never felt much love as a child. I will never let my children feel this way as long as I am alive. I will forever shower them in endless love.
I think we were spanked once, maybe twice, ever. I can’t remember exactly what it was “for,” but we lived on a lot of property, and I think we had done something that could have been really dangerous. I am sure my dad was hit as a child; I don’t know about my mom. My mom did have a wooden spoon that I can never recall her actually using. Mostly when my sister and I would fight, she would separate us and make us stand in front of interior doors for ten minutes (and we weren’t allowed to look at each other, which might have been the worst part). I did feel loved and safe with my parents. My dad told us he loved us every day, which I’m certain was a difference from his own childhood, and which I do with my kids, every single day. My mom hardly ever said the words, such that one time when she did, my asshole tweenage self asked her if she was “going to die or something.” (And of course a few years later, she did. 😩)
I am sad to read so many stories of “us” being hit. I have preached “no means no” to my daughters their whole lives and can’t imagine overriding their personhood just to put them “in their place.” It seems so demeaning (and likely totally ineffective at producing the desired behavior change). I am glad this is an area in which our generation seems to be doing better.
Post by staceymcgill on Jan 31, 2023 7:04:30 GMT -5
I only remember being spanked twice by my dad. It didn’t really traumatize me. My moms house is where I was traumatized. Her husband never hit me but he was incredibly abusive in other ways, and she never did anything about it. I went to the school, he was removed and came back shortly thereafter, and I was never allowed to tell my dad about it, who would have taken me out of that situation immediately. I finally had it out with my mom about it a few years ago, she doesn’t believe me that anything happened, has still chosen him over me and my kids. We see her maybe once a year now, but I have refused to be in the same room as her husband and haven’t seen him in over five wonderful years.
Therapy has helped me process it all so much and everything having to do with him doesn’t even affect me anymore. It’s my mother and her her betrayal that will never go away.
ETA - we have never laid a finger on our children.
I was spanked one time. I was loosing my ever loving mind about something, to the point where I was kicking a wall we shared with our neighbors. My dad lost his mind and spanked me. I was probably four at the time. That’s the only punishment I ever remember as a child. I was an only until I was 8 so it’s hard to get into too much trouble by yourself.
Edit: my parents never threatened me/us and never even raised their voices at me as a child, so this was extremely out of character for them. I’m sure if I told my dad I remembered this it would crush him, since he is a gentle soul. I really harbor no ill will, but I definitely would it it was a common occurrence.
This is very similar to my experience. My dad spanked me one time (not hard that I recall) and I remember telling my mom and she burst into tears and she and my dad had a family meeting with us that it would never happen again. My dad was in tears and felt terrible. He was raised with physical discipline but my mom was not. It surprised him that he did it, I think.
We were a very open family and talked through our emotions and family problems. We did family therapy a lot (which I hated, lol) and had a lot of family meetings to check in.
My heart breaks for all of you that have suffered through this as children. I am so, so sorry.
ETA: I feel obligated to add the stereotypical you would have never known we were going through this note. There were no stressors, no alcoholism, no money troubles. He was just a bad man and I am lucky my mom finally got the courage to leave him and have it stick. She left him for the first time when I was 18 months old and left for good when I was 8.5.
on our local public radio this morning there was a story about domestic abuse in Vermont. How 50% of the murders in the state are domestic assaults and that most of the time people have no idea that domestic assault is happening in a home until someone is killed. There are no "signs" or triggers that cause one family to deal with domestic assault vs another family. It is not based on race, socio-economic class, neighborhood, etc. It can be any family and people have no idea that there is DV inside the home until there is something huge (murder in this story) that happens.
Sometimes I remember when I was maybe 7 or so. My brother and I were both seeing a child psychologist for some reason? I felt like it had to do with something my brother was going through, like he was evaluated for a learning disability, but I don't know why we both ended up there, but it was for several months. Anyway, the psychologist asked me what one thing I'd change about both my parents. I remember saying I wished my dad didn't hit so hard, because even though my mom would slap me all the time, when my dad hit you, it was a big deal. It was a real spanking. Anyway, apparently he had a conversation with my parents and my mom then had a conversation with ME about how the psychologist would need to tell the police if I didn't take it back and I didn't want dad to get in trouble, did I? So I needed to say I didn't mean it.
So in the last few years I've thought about that a few times and I'm like SERIOUSLY WTF about it. And that was maybe my first indication that not everyone got spanked or something.
I remember one time my mom slapped me. I was mouthy with her, and her reaction was to slap me across the face. One time I said I was going to call the police (because I was also an instigator and loved to rile my parents up even more) and I remember her telling me to go right ahead, but I should probably think about it first because did I want to lose my nice house, my nice school, and all the other nice things I had because of them? Did I want to go into foster care? Oh, and also, the police probably wouldn’t care or do anything, but please, go call them…That was probably the late 1980s, and I can STILL remember that.
My mom did when we were young. My dad refused to—he left it up to my mom—because he knew he had a temper. But there was a lot of absence. My parents worked a lot just to pay some of the bills and my sister and brother took a lot more attention due to physical and mental health concerns.
We lived with my grandparents. He was abusive in a few ways.
Post by redheadbaker on Jan 31, 2023 9:17:23 GMT -5
I know we were spanked in a "culturally normal" way as little kids. But even as we got older, they would still hit us. My mom would slap my face if she didn't like what I said.
I got no bathroom privacy -- she would walk in when I was in there. I was brushing my teeth once, and she came in and started brushing, too. I accidentally almost spit on her hand, and she punched me in the shoulder (not playfully).
Once I accidentally locked her out. I had a ride home from a school mixer; I didn't realize she had gone out to pick me up. I thought she was asleep, I locked the door behind me. She had to bang on my window to get me to unlock the door, and she threw her shoes at me.
Question to all those who got slapped a lot: how many years did it take you to stop flinching whenever someone raised a hand anywhere near you? My first serious boyfriend and I fought about this all the time. When he got frustrated,, he'd bring a hand up quickly to smooth his hair. Every time I'd panic and flinch, he'd be furious with me, yelling, "I'M NOT GOING TO HIT YOU!"
That shit lasts.
I get anxious if H so much as raises his voice, even when it's not directed at me (like he's angry because he can't fix something in the house).
Definitely a swat on the butt here and there. I don't remember it ever hurting - just really more embarrassing than anything.
My dad definitely threatened to beat the crap out of me once or twice. I was a teenager, and I was an a-hole. It was deserved. He never laid a hand on me.
One time, my younger sister totally lost control over something small. That was fairly normal - she was a royal pain in the ass for a long period of my childhood. She was mad at my mom, so she threw a blue popsicle on my mom's off-white berber carpet. While my mom was dealing with her, I started to try to clean up the popsicle before it stained her new carpet. She flew into the room in a rage and slapped me while I was on the floor. By that time, I was 6 inches taller than her. So I stood up, slapped her back, and told her to clean it up herself. That's the only physical instance that stands out to me - not because she hit me, but because it was so unjust.
There are so, so many more things that were/are so much more damaging to me than anything physical. My mother has absolutely no interest in my kids' lives. She believes that I favor one child over another. But the reality is, she has no idea what life is like at my house, nor does she care to know. She lives 30 minutes away and hasn't seen any of us since October. She prefers her other grandchildren (which she has come out and said) and her other children (which she has never said, but has made clear through actions).
Frequently, mostly by my dad but certainly sanctioned by both parents. I think it started off as the "culturally normal at the time" type, but as my siblings and I got older and life got harder, it became less intentional discipline and more parents striking out of anger. It became a family arms' race that created constant conflict - as kids we became sneakier and more dishonest because we feared getting caught, and when we did get in trouble it took more and more physical punishment to be a behavioral deterrent.
My father used it as a thread, and would say things such as "if you do that again I'm going to call you over here, lay you on my knees, and pull down your pants." It was very threatening, and made me feel sick to my stomach. Something I've really tried to tune out in my adulthood when I'm around him. It caused me to lose trust with him, and make me uncomfortable in his presence. He never talked through right/wrong, problems, or actually tried to make me understand why I shouldn't be doing anything. It was just pure threat or punishment. He was not a kind father. He really seemed to enjoy scaring us. ETA: He would spank with pants down, and leave wedding band bruises on us.
My mom spanked a lot when I was little, but less so over the age of 6'ish? She spanked more out of punishment than anger. But then the punishment of being spanked was looming over our heads as she wouldn't necessarily do it right away after telling us that would be our punishment. I didn't like that.
My dad threatened a few times but never did. He'd use two fingers to thunk my sisters & me on the head sort of hard when we were misbehaving or being smart mouthed.
My H was spanked in a way that seemed culturally normal.
Before H and I had kids I was adamant that no one would spank our kids. He was all we'll wait and see blah blah blah. I told him if he planned to spank our future kids I wouldn't be having kids with him. He changed his tune quickly after that ultimatum. Once DS was born he told me he could never hit our son ever and was appalled that he ever considered it.
My dad did the two finger thunk on DS(6) last summer for the first time. I told him swiftly and calmly to never do that to my DS ever again.
I know we were spanked in a "culturally normal" way as little kids. But even as we got older, they would still hit us. My mom would slap my face if she didn't like what I said.
I got no bathroom privacy -- she would walk in when I was in there. I was brushing my teeth once, and she came in and started brushing, too. I accidentally almost spit on her hand, and she punched me in the shoulder (not playfully).
Once I accidentally locked her out. I had a ride home from a school mixer; I didn't realize she had gone out to pick me up. I thought she was asleep, I locked the door behind me. She had to bang on my window to get me to unlock the door, and she threw her shoes at me.
This sounds like my mom. Whoops, you made her mad and she was putting groceries away? A can of soup would go flying at you. 11 year old newly menstruating little girl trying to figure things out in privacy? You better open up the bathroom door right now, I need my hairbrush!
She forgot to pick you up after a marching band performance at school at 9pm and you had to walk home? How dare you get mad at her, you should feel sorry for me that she's upset about having forgotten her daughter. Always about her. Always offended. Always on the defense, and always in your personal space.
Post by onomatopoeia on Jan 31, 2023 9:42:19 GMT -5
My mom was a yeller and would occasionally just completely lose her shit. My brother and I called it a "wrang", as in "remember when mom had that big wrang after we dumped all the water out of the tub?", but we were never spanked or physically disciplined. Lots of getting sent to our rooms. Overall she was a really good mom with some limited coping skills for energetic kids.
I think my dad grabbed my brothers arm once after my brother pushed a million buttons, and he (my dad) cried about it all night. I think that's the only time he ever became physical with one of us. He went for a lot of walks which looking back were likely a way to simmer down. My dad's parents were pretty physical (I never knew them) and he swore he'd never do it to us. He could freeze ice cubes with just a look. Overall he was a pretty gentle parent, except for a few times when I was young I clearly remember him sticking me outside on the porch in the middle of the night because I got all worked up and in hysterics about going/staying in bed (we lived in the country with no one around). He'd tell me I could come in when I calmed down, and eventually I would. He'd get DCF called on him now, but it only took twice and I shaped up pretty quick.
We don't spank or hit. I rarely yell at my kids. I used to yell more often when they were younger and I hated how it made them and me feel so I made a conscious effort to stop.
I had forgotten all about the "birthday spankings" thing. OMG. Like, what an effed up way to mess with a kid on what is supposed to be a happy day.
I remember a few spankings (hand only, parents only) when I was young, less than 10. Enough that we definitely knew the threats were real. My parents were the type to send my siblings and I to our rooms for awhile, bring us out to talk/lecture, and then spank. So not in the heat of the moment but the anticipation was awful, too.
One time when I was a teenager, my dad, innocently enough, asked how my day was and I was in a shitty mood and responded super sarcastically. He was quiet for a minute and then said something, calmly, about how he had never felt the impulse to slap me as much as he was right then. My parents NEVER slapped us. I was so shocked that I never responded that way to him again. He didn't actually slap me or even make any movement suggesting a slap. But it also made sure that I wouldn't ever share with him when/why I had a bad day that put me in that mood to begin with, and I'd just hide it.
ETA: We don't spank our kids. I am also probably a bit fanatical about helping them work through disagreements, issues and negotiations -- because my parents never, ever provided any guidance to their three kids about how to solve our frequent and nasty fights. They basically let it go with zero intervention until they were sick of it and then got mad at us/punished us for fighting. All that did was foster a dynamic where the person who held out the longest would often "win" because the other two would give in to end the fight and avoid punishment, and things festered because they were never actually resolved.
I know there were spankings but they ended by the time I was in 1st or 2nd grade. I remember clearly one time my mother chased my brother into the road trying to whack him with the broomstick. My parents were of the "you eat what is on your plate or you starve" parenting method and just wouldn't accept that not everyone has the same tastes. I hated fish but they made it at least once a week. I also didn't like the mushy canned vegetables they bought. If I didn't like dinner I was locked in my room with no food until 7 am the next day. I went on in life having an unhealthy relationship with food and my parents. I've got 2 kids now and even though it's a hassle, I have no problems making a couple of different meals each night to make sure everyone is fed happily.
No, my parents would discuss whatever happened and talk about it extensively. At some point my smart ass teenage self asked them if they could just beat me instead of having to have all the discussions.
I had forgotten all about the "birthday spankings" thing. OMG. Like, what an effed up way to mess with a kid on what is supposed to be a happy day.
My dad got spanked with a leather belt every Sunday as punishment for everything he may have done wrong during the week. He was born in the late 40's. He moved out when he was 16. (But then spanked us, so... I don't know why some people are devoted to raising their kids how they wanted to/should have been treated, while others mimic what they disliked about their own childhoods.)
I was spanked a few times, and I remember my brother getting spanked a lot (he's textbook oppositional defiant, literally, so that plus my parents' discipline approach wound up with him getting spanked a lot). Always with hands, never with an object, and I think it was mostly reactionary/heat of the moment by my parents. Not like "come over here for your spanking now." It was definitely within the realm of what felt like cultural norm for the time, vs physical abuse.
Emotionally, however, looking back there was definitely some questionable stuff going on. Lots of passive aggressive manipulations, which my brother and I still struggle with a bit. Again, no outright *obvious* abuse, were were loved, supported, and cared for, but also not the most healthy approach either. As I get older and my parents start to tell me more about how *they* were raised, I can see how they were trying to do better than what they experienced. It was the 80's, mental health discussions were non-existent for the most part in our circle.
I'm really close with both my parents, and I can see how they continue to grow and are open minded about changing approaches (they're firmly anti-spanking now, respect our choices and boundaries as parents, talk openly about mental health, etc), so I don't hold their missteps against them. I see them differently than I did as a kid, and even young adult, and can recognize the bits of disfunction they still carry. I try to use that reflection to inform my own parenting approaches, but in 20 years, my own daughters may well be chatting like "can you believe mom and dad did XYZ? What the hell was that all about?"
Oh yes, in a very abusive but in a culturally "accepted" way. My dad used to use the heavy wooden stick used to secure the sliding patio doors. He would also tell me to make sure the pants I was wearing were not too thick so it would hurt more. Spatulas, sticks, shoes, etc were also all used, along with getting kicked, punched and slapped. It wasn’t just a single spank, it would be a repetitive beating.
I was a pretty normal kid too, never stayed out late, got decent grades, didn't drink/smoke/drugs etc.