Post by dancingirl21 on Jan 31, 2023 12:17:08 GMT -5
No, mine never did. My dad lightly spanked my little sister once when she was a toddler. She was a pretty difficult child and I think he was just so fed up. She had on a diaper and apparently his hand hit a little high up above the diaper and he saw the faint red mark he made and freaked out. She's 32 now and he still talks about how that haunts him and he can't believe he did it.
Post by starburst604 on Jan 31, 2023 12:28:42 GMT -5
This is my second post here but I'm posting again to expand. When I say my mom did and it scared me - it wasn't something that happened a lot, but when it did it was her losing control and just snatching me up and whacking me over and over. I think it was her rage as much as the actual hitting, it was just scary to see her like that. From my memory, it was never something actually terrible I'd done but something that just put her over the top in that moment. Her other thing was if we were in public and I acted up somehow she'd grab my arm and squeeze tightly, nails digging in, while she muttered something like "keep it up and I'll smack you here in front of everybody".
This is the opposite of how some kids I knew were disciplined, where the parent would get a spoon or belt or something. There was no plan, my mother just lost it and flew off the handle. Both are equally scary to me I guess. Something about saying "ok I'm going to go get my belt and hit you" feels so cruel and calculated, while flying off the handle is terrifying in another way. My mom was otherwise a good and loving mother.
My mother did the arm thing! (I removed your quote just in case). It was almost worse than when she'd yell at us. Calm threat of spanking us in public - ugh, it was the worst. (And she'd really dig her nails into our arms).
My dad spanked us a handful of times when we were really young, I think my mom put a stop to it, she is super sensitive and I can't imagine she was ok with that but I don't remember being spanked past the age of 5. My dad became an alcoholic in my teenage years though and things got pretty dicey verbally and he shoved me into the kitchen counters once and I had red marks on my back.
My H grew up in an abusive household. He left home when he was 16 and was basically couch crashing for 2 years, got his GED when he was 17 and joined the military at 18. FIL mellowed out at some point after that because it wasn't so bad for SIL and BIL. My son has severe ADHD and oppositional defiant disorder. H probably has both as well (and probably also FIL). I think they didn't know how to handle it and we're also too young and shouldn't have been parents yet when they had H. He doesn't have a great relationship with them, barely calls, doesn't prioritize visiting them, and I get why.
My dad never spanked me (not sure about my siblings) but he always had an explosive temper and my mom would use him as the stereotypical threat of, "you just wait until your father gets home" to keep us in line, because we didn't want to get yelled at. I remember being spanked a few times by my mom, hand paddlings over the clothes, but I couldn't really tell you for what, and they must have stopped by early elementary school.
I much more vividly remember the finger flicks to the face. She'd get down on our level, get right up in our face with any angry little lecture, and flick us in the cheek. Like you were flicking a bug off a table. That really fucking hurt. It was usually only ever one time, but damn. My sister and I still talk about that. We aren't sure if she did it to our brother. That also stopped when I was in elementary school, but I remember it more than being sent to my room or being grounded as a teen (I was generally a pretty good kid who didn't cause much trouble).
I feel like the worst though is how my mom never protected me from the bullying that was coming from her mother. My gram was one of my favorite people when I was little, but when I became a teenager she just turned vicious, and made all sorts of horrible comments about me and my body. It was a huge source of conflict and my mom never told her to STFU even though it was clear she was doing so much damage to me. (PDQ)
I think she is what the “experts” (James Dobson, ugh) of the day recommended…calm and controlled and never in anger.
A couple that I really love and respect spank their kids, and they do it in this way, where they'll send the kid to their room to calm down / "think about what they did" and then about 10 minutes later, one of the parents goes in and talk with the kid about their behavior, better choices to make in the future, etc. And then they spank. And then give them a hug and reiterate that they love their kid. And I mean, I *guess* if you're going to spank, this is the way to do it, but I'm also just kinda like...why does the spank need to happen at all? What value is the spank adding to this interaction at this point? I'm not a parent and haven't done any reading on this, but would be curious to know what those "experts" say is the purpose/benefit. It's just interesting to me because at first blush, "never spank in anger" seems like a really solid piece of advice because then you're not hitting too hard or for too long and you're not out of control. But then it means that you are consciously, intentionally choosing to lay your hands on your kid and...is that any better?
lust2hart, no, I don’t think it’s any better. In fact, it almost feels worse? And I agree, I just don’t think it adds anything to the situation.
Thinking about it more, I really only recall us getting spanked (swatted once, over clothes, bare hand) when someone did something really dangerous (ran out in the road), repeatedly did something after being told to stop more than once (but I think that was more of a threat we knew she’d follow through with and learned to listen the first time than an actual occurrence), and maybe when we hit someone else (which really teaches a kid not to hit! Ha!) I will say that however my mom did it, she managed to raise 3 kids who were well-behaved (but not perfect robots) and grew up to be well-balanced, loving, healthy adults. We all fully believe she was truly doing the best she could with what she knew…Not many moms in the 80s were reading parenting books, and my mom always had one nearby. She really tried. We all do things differently that what she did, but we don’t resent her for things she did when she was just trying her best. (And oh, do I hope and pray that my kids will someday say the same! I’m sure there are things I/we do now that we will later look back and say, “WTF were you thinking?!?” But I’m just doing the best I can, and I hope my kids see that.)
Nonny, those flick hurt! I had a friend in HS flick me so hard on my leg that it must have burst some veins(?)…I STILL have a mark there!
My mom spanked me twice that I remember; once when I was maybe 4. I was tossing a kitten up in the air and trying to catch him--probably deserved that (though I'm not down with spanking now and wouldn't spank if I had kids). The other time when I wanted to go somewhere, she said no, I said something about never getting to do anything and she chased me up the stairs and spanked me. That was...a bit of an overreaction, LOL.
I remember my dad spanked me one time...his parents were visiting us and my stepbrothers and I were arguing over who would wash vs. dry the dishes. I took it to a higher authority (dad and stepmom) and he dragged me into the garage and spanked me. Then he started crying and going on about how stressful it was trying to balance "the three ladies in his life" (his mom, his wife, and me) while we were all in the same house.
I wet my pants all three times.
My parents are fucking nuts and I have, shall we say, challenging relationships with both of them.
Post by starburst604 on Jan 31, 2023 16:46:19 GMT -5
It's really interesting all the anecdotes of parents spanking when their kid does something scary like run out in traffic. When DD was maybe 18 months old I caught her playing around with or trying to stick something into a socket (I don't know why there wasn't a childproof thing in it, because we did have them) and I REALLY laid into her to NEVER DO THAT AGAIN. She broke down in tears and then I consoled her and said that what she was doing made me scared and she can never do that again because she could really get hurt. I tell you that to this day she actually remembers that and for months after she would point to a socket and say NO NO!!!! No hitting necessary, FFS.
Post by maudefindlay on Jan 31, 2023 16:49:42 GMT -5
My heart both breaks reading all these experiences, but is also warmed seeing how everyone here is doing better with their own kids. I know spanking still occurs, but I don't think it is generally considered acceptable anymore by most.
My heart both breaks reading all these experiences, but is also warmed seeing how everyone here is doing better with their own kids. I know spanking still occurs, but I don't think it is generally considered acceptable anymore by most.
Except in the comment section of any FB article about parenting. "KIDS TODAY DON'T GET SPANKED AND HAVE NO RESPECT FOR THEIR PARENTS"
My heart both breaks reading all these experiences, but is also warmed seeing how everyone here is doing better with their own kids. I know spanking still occurs, but I don't think it is generally considered acceptable anymore by most.
Except in the comment section of any FB article about parenting. "KIDS TODAY DON'T GET SPANKED AND HAVE NO RESPECT FOR THEIR PARENTS"
Ugh, true. I generally feel there is a correlation there with right wingers.
What value is the spank adding to this interaction at this point? I'm not a parent and haven't done any reading on this, but would be curious to know what those "experts" say is the purpose/benefit.
Ultimately it boils down to that people are born sinful, so even very small children need to have the "original sin" beaten out of them. Any bad behaviour is a sin, which needs to be punished. So parents are doing their kids a kindness by helping them to stop sinning. Also the parenting goal in these circles is to raise children to be 100% obedient to authority (ultimately the church) with no questions or pushback. Spanking is often the quickest way to achieve those results.
What value is the spank adding to this interaction at this point? I'm not a parent and haven't done any reading on this, but would be curious to know what those "experts" say is the purpose/benefit.
Ultimately it boils down to that people are born sinful, so even very small children need to have the "original sin" beaten out of them. Any bad behaviour is a sin, which needs to be punished. So parents are doing their kids a kindness by helping them to stop sinning. Also the parenting goal in these circles is to raise children to be 100% obedient to authority (ultimately the church) with no questions or pushback. Spanking is often the quickest way to achieve those results.
yep. I heard "spare the rod, spoil the child" all the time growing up. Also, "train them up in the way they should go, and when they are old they will not depart from it." BIG LOL to that because I've chosen to get as far away from that path as I can 😅
What value is the spank adding to this interaction at this point? I'm not a parent and haven't done any reading on this, but would be curious to know what those "experts" say is the purpose/benefit.
Ultimately it boils down to that people are born sinful, so even very small children need to have the "original sin" beaten out of them. Any bad behaviour is a sin, which needs to be punished. So parents are doing their kids a kindness by helping them to stop sinning. Also the parenting goal in these circles is to raise children to be 100% obedient to authority (ultimately the church) with no questions or pushback. Spanking is often the quickest way to achieve those results.
See blanket training. TTUAC is even worse than Dobson which is saying a lot.
My parents used to spank us until one day I wasn’t listening to a babysitter while my dad was trying to sleep from working an overnight shift. She had to go wake him up to deal with me and he came out in a rage (VERY unlike him), lifted me up and went to spank me, but then caught my eye and saw how frightened I was of him. He put me down and never spanked us again.
My mom spanked my brother once when he was like 13 and he laughed the entire time. She is a narcissist who was manipulative and emotionally/mentally abusive, though, so spanking was the least of it with her.
Post by basilosaurus on Feb 2, 2023 10:42:05 GMT -5
A story I grew up on.
I apparently as a toddler would just take out my dad's records. He would slap my hand. It didn't take long for me to pull out records with one hand and hold at the other to be slapped. They realized how futile that was. Probably similar to those of us with stories of being spanked and laughing, and they never attempted it again.