This is a false dichotomy. Why do you think those are your only two choices? A number of other options that exist including: you could find a great partner at some point in the future, you could be alone but not like your mom was - meaning, you could be alone but totally fulfilled in ways she wasn't, you could create a golden girls existence with best friends, etc. Instead of asking "what if I'm alone and end up like my mom" you instead ask "what if I find a great partner" or "what would an unpartnered future that I would be happy with look like? volunteering, active in the community, bffs, bf?"
I think what gets in my head is my life and that of my mom's has a lot of parallels to it. A lot. And if we were to split, I would love to find a new partner in whatever form that (married, bf/gf or just being together) is, I think it is just a fear of mine. Like it is too late. I am not saying it is rational, just what I feel. And my mom had a lot of great friends, but I know, especially once she was older, she wished she had a companion in her life.
i have a lot of work to do on myself. I have not said anything to my friends IRL. I am not sure why other than after the whole affair thing, I just don't trust people like I used to or feel that I can confide in the same way. I guess I am more careful.
But staying in your marriage is also zero guarantee of having a companion in your life at her age either.
I got my IUD replaced today. I continue to apparently have a wideset vagina because both the first time I had it inserted and the new one were sort of just like a more invasive pap smear. I didn't even really notice when she removed it. Anyway, fingers crossed this fixes my random bleeding as of late and she said this one will take me through menopause 😭.
Post by chilerellanos on Apr 12, 2023 11:05:16 GMT -5
I really did hit a place in my marriage where I honestly would rather be alone forever than stay in a broken marriage that I would never be happy in. It did take me a long time.
And once I left, I mean, there was definitely some panic when the reality hit that shoot, I was alone. And this might be how it is forever.
Having that space though, really allowed me to be able to work on ME, and my issues. Rather than trying to focus on the relationship, and how I could better bend to make him happier.
And ultimately I was better off. I am dating someone now, but i didn’t for several years. And we are dating slow. Because dating when you’re older and have been really broken in a marriage is different. Because it does make it harder to trust. You’re definitely not as naive. But also, you know what you want and want you don’t want, and hopefully have more confidence in walking away if it’s not benefitting you.
Post by emilyinchile on Apr 12, 2023 11:05:26 GMT -5
Aww, cleo29 I think it's totally natural to wonder about being lonely - I definitely had moments during my divorce of thinking ok, I guess I just get 5 dogs and that's my life. But it sounds like you know that giving yourself the chance to find better, whatever form that might take, is worth it if you come to the conclusion that your current marriage really isn't enough.
Post by amandakisser on Apr 12, 2023 11:05:32 GMT -5
cleo29, as a person who recently made the decision to divorce, I can tell you that the relief I feel after making the decision is unparalleled. I thought long and hard about two outcomes - one in which I stayed married, and one in which I got a divorce and moved on. I can tell you that I got a huge pit in my stomach when I thought about staying married. ANYTHING was better than that. I do know I'd love to have companionship again someday, but I don't know if it will be in the form of a marriage or just a partner to enjoy life with. I may not even want to live with another person again (I'm too soon in my journey to really make those kinds of decisions).
Whatever choice you make, I know that you've tried everything you could to make this marriage work.
I think what gets in my head is my life and that of my mom's has a lot of parallels to it. A lot. And if we were to split, I would love to find a new partner in whatever form that (married, bf/gf or just being together) is, I think it is just a fear of mine. Like it is too late. I am not saying it is rational, just what I feel. And my mom had a lot of great friends, but I know, especially once she was older, she wished she had a companion in her life.
i have a lot of work to do on myself. I have not said anything to my friends IRL. I am not sure why other than after the whole affair thing, I just don't trust people like I used to or feel that I can confide in the same way. I guess I am more careful.
But staying in your marriage is also zero guarantee of having a companion in your life at her age either.
I know. We are going to go to therapy but I think it will turn into how to manage to undo this in a healthy way vs. saving the marriage. one thing I told him is that now we are not being driven by high emotions. It is calm. I am also in the middle of school, so we will figure out the timing of things. We both feel this is critical to figure out once and for all because the more time we stay in this, the more likely feelings will turn to resentment and bitterness and neither of us wants that.
I have in some way been a mess for the past 4 years. My house has a slight hoarder feel to it. We had my mom's stuff, our stuff and just crap we need to get rid of and I am paralyzed by it all. It is a true reflection of where I have been emotionally and mentally and it is embarrassing.
I started pumping without the bags attached. I was like what’s that wet feeling on my legs :/ I texted my friend who is a mom and breastfed/pumped and she was like nope I never did that, you must be tired. lol. Nope, not tired, the baby sleeps through the night, just a little absent minded it seems!
So at our staff meeting I had to announce to everyone that I didn’t pee myself, just had a pumping accident!
I've done this before probably multiple times. I started throwing a small towel in my pump bag not for that reason but for accidental drips. I would throw it over my lap while pumping.
But staying in your marriage is also zero guarantee of having a companion in your life at her age either.
I know. We are going to go to therapy but I think it will turn into how to manage to undo this in a healthy way vs. saving the marriage. one thing I told him is that now we are not being driven by high emotions. It is calm. I am also in the middle of school, so we will figure out the timing of things. We both feel this is critical to figure out once and for all because the more time we stay in this, the more likely feelings will turn to resentment and bitterness and neither of us wants that.
I have in some way been a mess for the past 4 years. My house has a slight hoarder feel to it. We had my mom's stuff, our stuff and just crap we need to get rid of and I am paralyzed by it all. It is a true reflection of where I have been emotionally and mentally and it is embarrassing.
In case this hasn't been clear, I'm on your side no matter where you end up and I'm sending big ginormous internet hugs to you. I'm glad you guys are going to therapy and working to figure out what the best path forward is rather than just being passive passengers through life. You'll get there.
And my house is also full o' crap. I think this is just something that happens around 40 - then we our kids move out we give it to them, right?
(( cleo29)) I totally get how you're feeling. I felt the exact same way when my XH told me he wanted a divorce. I was so scared of being alone for the rest of my life. Fast forward to today and I am absolutely loving my freedom. I have honestly never been happier. I hope I'm not alone for the rest of my life, but I am not interested in marriage again. I think a guy who I can go out with, travel with, and then send back to his own place when I start to get sick of him is the perfect compromise lol.
And on that note, I am under contract to buy a condo! I'm buying it by myself and I feel very empowered
(( cleo29 )) I totally get how you're feeling. I felt the exact same way when my XH told me he wanted a divorce. I was so scared of being alone for the rest of my life. Fast forward to today and I am absolutely loving my freedom. I have honestly never been happier. I hope I'm not alone for the rest of my life, but I am not interested in marriage again. I think a guy who I can go out with, travel with, and then send back to his own place when I start to get sick of him is the perfect compromise lol.
And on that note, I am under contract to buy a condo! I'm buying it by myself and I feel very empowered
Congratulations! Buying your place on your own is a big deal!
We shall see where things go from here. I am not soured on marriage, but I think would certainly go into it differently.
Post by icedcoffee on Apr 12, 2023 11:28:33 GMT -5
cleo29 Hearing you say those things makes me so sad. You are smart, kind and I'm sure beautiful. There is a good life for you beyond this man who can't properly appreciate you.
Yesterday I changed my own engine and cabin filter in my car and it was very empowering. Fuck you mechanics for wanting to charge me $200 for a 5 minute job.
I'm at our beach rental for the week supervising a patio install, mulching the garden beds and building an outdoor sectional. Holy mother of god the nuts they included to build the sectional were hard as shit to get on and my fingers are killing me today (insert dirty joke here). It's built now though. All 50 some odd screws and nuts of it.
When I arrived the sheets were dirty. Like covered in dog and human hair. Gross. And also our vacuum has gone missing. We've only had one set of renters so far. I contacted the property manager and now I'm worried they're going to think I'm a whining bitch, but also...gross and where's my fucking vacuum?
We are going to see another house tonight that just came on the market. I’m not usually a fan of raised ranches - not throwing shade, they just make me think of pretty much every home I was inside as a kid in the 80’s. But this one is nice outside with an updated kitchen. I don’t mind an open floor plan as a family of 3, if I had multiple kids I’d want more separation. It’s in a great cul de sac and has an awesome backyard. Best part is it’s well below our budget so we could go in with a nice offer. Of course it’s only .3 miles from our current home but it’s a different elementary school district. Not a dealbreaker at all, DD would be bummed but she’d do ok with the change.
As a raised ranch owner, I have some buyer's remorse...bringing in groceries up a flight of stairs is annoying. I would prefer bedrooms on a different level than living spaces because kids are loud (!) in the am when you're trying to sleep in. And up and down steps all day long to let the dog out is annoying, too.
That said, we bought for the neighborhood (and pricepoint) and not really for the house layout. Next time, I'd take layout functionality into account a bit more.
tacokick I would bring an insulated lunch bag and an ice pack that you can put in the freezer section of the hotel fridge. Or maybe just a plastic bag that you can fill with ice from the hotel that morning to keep the bag cold.
Then I would pick up lunch either the night you arrive, or on your way in the morning.
Is this the one near me? If so, there will be plenty of places to pick up food once you get here.
We are going to see another house tonight that just came on the market. I’m not usually a fan of raised ranches - not throwing shade, they just make me think of pretty much every home I was inside as a kid in the 80’s. But this one is nice outside with an updated kitchen. I don’t mind an open floor plan as a family of 3, if I had multiple kids I’d want more separation. It’s in a great cul de sac and has an awesome backyard. Best part is it’s well below our budget so we could go in with a nice offer. Of course it’s only .3 miles from our current home but it’s a different elementary school district. Not a dealbreaker at all, DD would be bummed but she’d do ok with the change.
As a raised ranch owner, I have some buyer's remorse...bringing in groceries up a flight of stairs is annoying. I would prefer bedrooms on a different level than living spaces because kids are loud (!) in the am when you're trying to sleep in. And up and down steps all day long to let the dog out is annoying, too.
That said, we bought for the neighborhood (and pricepoint) and not really for the house layout. Next time, I'd take layout functionality into account a bit more.
This is good feedback. I can see how the grocery carry in can be annoying. Right now we have 3 levels and I do a LOT of stair climbing so this actually looks like less to me, at least in my mind. With the dog our plan is to let him out back for bathroom trips. He goes to daycare during the week so we don't do many dedicated leash walks other than potty time during the week. I gave the noisy kid thing a lot of thought. We just have one and in the mornings if she wakes before us she just chills in her room on the ipad or watching TV. I'm usually the first one up anyway. I do need to think about my morning workouts since I'm doing that while the house is still asleep. I assume I'd use some of the basement space but I like to listen to my Peloton rides loud. I guess listening on ear buds would be an easy answer to that though. My long term grand plan is we would build a new garage addition and build a new master suite above that. H does not know this yet, lol.
I started pumping without the bags attached. I was like what’s that wet feeling on my legs :/ I texted my friend who is a mom and breastfed/pumped and she was like nope I never did that, you must be tired. lol. Nope, not tired, the baby sleeps through the night, just a little absent minded it seems!
So at our staff meeting I had to announce to everyone that I didn’t pee myself, just had a pumping accident!
I've done this before probably multiple times. I started throwing a small towel in my pump bag not for that reason but for accidental drips. I would throw it over my lap while pumping.
That’s a good idea! I do have a small towel but just to lay everything out, but clearly I need to bring an extra cause I just had some drips even though I thankfully remembered the bags this time lol.
tacokick I would bring an insulated lunch bag and an ice pack that you can put in the freezer section of the hotel fridge. Or maybe just a plastic bag that you can fill with ice from the hotel that morning to keep the bag cold.
Then I would pick up lunch either the night you arrive, or on your way in the morning.
Is this the one near me? If so, there will be plenty of places to pick up food once you get here.
That’s a good idea. I wasn’t thinking about the hotel fridge probably having a freezer area.
It is not near you, that was canceled! I was so disappointed. That class actually would have been today! This is sort of between York and Harrisburg.
PA really is the fiber arts hub of the mid Atlantic.
I started pumping without the bags attached. I was like what’s that wet feeling on my legs :/ I texted my friend who is a mom and breastfed/pumped and she was like nope I never did that, you must be tired. lol. Nope, not tired, the baby sleeps through the night, just a little absent minded it seems!
So at our staff meeting I had to announce to everyone that I didn’t pee myself, just had a pumping accident!
I did this more than once. I was just distracted when I started pumping and on autopilot where I just forgot to attach a milk catch item lol.
I’m posting this as a PSA. We have a roof rat infestation - W.T.F. I’ve never even heard of this. We had our annual termite inspection and it was discovered. We have our bug guy out 4x/year to spray, and yearly termite inspections. They are with the same company. The termite guy basically said the bug guy should have caught it sooner, in a non direct way.
This is a 14k fix!!! We occasionally heard pattering in the attic, but nothing that made me think OMG. I just thought it was a squirrel! Anyway, if you ever hear anything please call someone immediately.
I am so pissed that we have to spend that much to fix this, but also know that I’m lucky we can afford it. It’s one thing to buy a new a/c, roof, plumbing issues, etc. But this feels like some bullshit! Lol
I’m posting this as a PSA. We have a roof rat infestation - W.T.F. I’ve never even heard of this. We had our annual termite inspection and it was discovered. We have our bug guy out 4x/year to spray, and yearly termite inspections. They are with the same company. The termite guy basically said the bug guy should have caught it sooner, in a non direct way.
This is a 14k fix!!! We occasionally heard pattering in the attic, but nothing that made me think OMG. I just thought it was a squirrel! Anyway, if you ever hear anything please call someone immediately.
I am so pissed that we have to spend that much to fix this, but also know that I’m lucky we can afford it. It’s one thing to buy a new a/c, roof, plumbing issues, etc. But this feels like some bullshit! Lol
they will be here all day
what do you get for your $14k?
Well, the beginning is gross. they have to vacuum the entire attic of droppings, and whatever the hell else they left behind. They are removing all of the insulation as they burrowed and destroyed it. Then they clean it with ::SOMETHING:: then we get new, super powered insulation so that this never happens again.
ETA: it is supposed to lower our electric bill, and we can claim $1200/year on taxes, but we take the itemized deduction, so not sure how that works.
Last Edit: Apr 12, 2023 12:19:35 GMT -5 by mofongo
Ok douche, go ahead and call it mud. My husband DID have halitosis. We addressed it after I talked to you girls on here and guess what? Years later, no problem. Mofongo, you're a cunt. Eat shit. ~anonnamus
cleo29 Hearing you say those things makes me so sad. You are smart, kind and I'm sure beautiful. There is a good life for you beyond this man who can't properly appreciate you.
Yesterday I changed my own engine and cabin filter in my car and it was very empowering. Fuck you mechanics for wanting to charge me $200 for a 5 minute job.
I'm at our beach rental for the week supervising a patio install, mulching the garden beds and building an outdoor sectional. Holy mother of god the nuts they included to build the sectional were hard as shit to get on and my fingers are killing me today (insert dirty joke here). It's built now though. All 50 some odd screws and nuts of it.
When I arrived the sheets were dirty. Like covered in dog and human hair. Gross. And also our vacuum has gone missing. We've only had one set of renters so far. I contacted the property manager and now I'm worried they're going to think I'm a whining bitch, but also...gross and where's my fucking vacuum?
Thank you. I know he appreciates me, that is not the issue. I think there is just something missing, we both feel it. And I think we have both caused a little too much hurt to each other in the past 8 years that perhaps, it is not something we can come back from.
H and I are in this strange place with one another. We both acknowledge that something is missing from the marriage and that things have just not been the same since 2016. We are going to go to counseling, but honestly, I am not sure we can get back to where we were. Maybe too much happened, too much hurt, for things to work. On one hand it is relief for us to be having these honest conversations and on the other hand it is incredibly scary. While I am not sure we should be together, I also do not want to be alone for the rest of my life like my mom was.
There are a few things at play here. First, you don’t need to get back to where you were, because it wasn’t great either. Getting to a new place that is good for both of you would be a better mutual goal. Secondly, you have more options than being alone or being with your H. Also, you aren’t your mom. Being alone for you might be (and likely would be) a completely different experience. I don’t know if that’s for better or worse, just different. But it’s a different time, and as a woman now, you have many other options. Societal views have shifted, and your reasoning for being without your spouse might be very different than hers were.
All that to say, give yourself a break. Stop trying to “get back to xyz time” because that ship has well sailed. Explore new things, with or without your spouse. You absolutely deserve happiness, and that might be taking a gigantic risk. But how is being alone worse than being miserable and isolated with a spouse? It’s almost worse in some aspects.
Post by litskispeciality on Apr 12, 2023 12:42:02 GMT -5
Thank you to whoever recommended Secret dry spray 0% aluminum. So far pretty good. I also bought Lume, but now I'm afraid to try it until the weekend as I tend to get rashes under my arms.
Has anyone, preferably plus size (18 - 20 pant size) bought underwear from Torrid? They still have a physical store in the local mall to me and I'm debating trying to find a matching set tonight after work.
Well, the beginning is gross. they have to vacuum the entire attic of droppings, and whatever the hell else they left behind. They are removing all of the insulation as they burrowed and destroyed it. Then they clean it with ::SOMETHING:: then we get new, super powered insulation so that this never happens again.
ETA: it is supposed to lower our electric bill, and we can claim $1200/year on taxes, but we take the itemized deduction, so not sure how that works.
Oh, wow. at least you are getting something for your $14k. Regarding your taxes, you get a credit of 30% of the cost of weatherization up to a max of $1200. Because it is a credit and not a deduction, you can take it even if you don't itemize.
tacokick For a recommendation for bringing your lunch, I’d say that driving a car gives you options for a small tote/cooler with an icepack. If I had food in my home fridge, I’d make a lunch and snacks and pack it. If not, I’d still take the cooler and buy something close to the hotel and store it in the fridge. It doesn’t seem like hot options are practical (which is okay for me) and being without food is the worst.
Well, the beginning is gross. they have to vacuum the entire attic of droppings, and whatever the hell else they left behind. They are removing all of the insulation as they burrowed and destroyed it. Then they clean it with ::SOMETHING:: then we get new, super powered insulation so that this never happens again.
ETA: it is supposed to lower our electric bill, and we can claim $1200/year on taxes, but we take the itemized deduction, so not sure how that works.
Oh, wow. at least you are getting something for your $14k. Regarding your taxes, you get a credit of 30% of the cost of weatherization up to a max of $1200. Because it is a credit and not a deduction, you can take it even if you don't itemize.
Ohh, ok, thank you so much! So glad I said something:) I’ll take the win.
Ok douche, go ahead and call it mud. My husband DID have halitosis. We addressed it after I talked to you girls on here and guess what? Years later, no problem. Mofongo, you're a cunt. Eat shit. ~anonnamus