I want to be gentle, but the whole draining his retirement account, travelling without keeping you honestly apprised of his whereabouts, and the floating relocation ideas are all giant red flags. He is showing that he can't be trusted and you need to make sure that you are working with a professional to set up legal protections for your children in this situation.
You can't rely on the person you thought he was--that's not an option any longer.
Definitely big warning signs that something isn't right. Is it possible he's going through a bipolar manic episode? The spending and grand dreams of abandoning family are hallmark mania.
I’m assuming a lawyer could write it in that he would be responsible for any taxes on it? I might mention this to him tonight and see what he says.
I am not a lawyer, but I would assume so. I also think if you have it in writing that he has legally committed to paying the taxes instead of you, you could submit that to the IRS if they do try to come after you for them.
You can write it in but the third party (a credit card company, the IRS, whomever you owe) isn't bound. So the person who doesn't have to pay might end up having to seek contempt in the divorce/dissolution or otherwise sue for breach of contract.
Does he only want shared custody because he thinks that means no child support, because that’s not necessarily true.
Do you think he’d actually want some visitation given his travel history? I’d def want a lawyer to draw all that up, including travel restrictions, visitation schedule, and holidays.
Worst case scenario, he already has a place down in Mexico, has set up a bank account too, and has not spent all the retirement funds as he mentioned.
I would get a lawyer to make sure things are done correctly.
I need to ask, was this completely out of the blue? Had you two been having issues? I am sorry that this is happening.
So we had major communication issues for most of our marriage, mainly because he would never be open with me. About 5 years ago I considered divorce because we couldn’t even have a conversation without fighting..got a small amount of therapy and our communication got so much better. But we were basically roommates by then, which I thought was a phase, and he thought that was his new life (being emotionally disconnected from me).
Fast track to about a year ago, his only friend died..he quit his job and started a new career. I also at that time told him I needed more in the relationship. And he’s been lost ever since. A week before Christmas, he said he couldn’t do it anymore….then after Christmas he said he wanted to try again…but did nothing to change things.
He comes from major neglect in that he was never told he was loved. His mother was married 7 times, father not in the picture til he was 12 and also married maybe 6 times. He has no foundation for what a normal relationship should look like…my opinion at least when reflecting.
Post by dragon's breath on Apr 24, 2023 14:23:48 GMT -5
Didn't read every response, but did look for "legal" and "custody" to see if some specifics have been mentioned.
Especially if you think he may be leaving the country, you should try to get full/sole legal/physical all-the-terms custody. I had sole custody, but when I tried to get a passport for my son, I "didn't have the right kind of sole custody." I had no current phone number or address for the ex (even though he was required to keep me updated as part of the divorce decree), and had to jump through all kinds of hoops to get a passport (have child support people send him a certified letter for me since they had his address but I didn't, had to hire an attorney, had to prove I had spend x time contacting him y different ways, waited for a judgement, etc). Getting a passport for my son cost more than my divorce (and I had a lawyer for my divorce, but the rules for passports had changed after the fact).
Not having 100% custody, with a distant spouse (even if he does maintain contact, etc), can cause a whole bundle of more expensive issues, or even just hassle, in the future.
I want to be gentle, but the whole draining his retirement account, travelling without keeping you honestly apprised of his whereabouts, and the floating relocation ideas are all giant red flags. He is showing that he can't be trusted and you need to make sure that you are working with a professional to set up legal protections for your children in this situation.
You can't rely on the person you thought he was--that's not an option any longer.
Definitely big warning signs that something isn't right. Is it possible he's going through a bipolar manic episode? The spending and grand dreams of abandoning family are hallmark mania.
He’s absolutely going through something, I don’t know what..midlife crisis? My friends say narcissism, but that seems to be the catch all issue anymore. He doesn’t want connection with anyone, stopped telling his mom anything, has no friends…it’s very worrisome and I’ve told him repeatedly to get therapy to find how to be happy, even without us being together. But I guess he thinks Mexico is the answer.
Didn't read every response, but did look for "legal" and "custody" to see if some specifics have been mentioned.
Especially if you think he may be leaving the country, you should try to get full/sole legal/physical all-the-terms custody. I had sole custody, but when I tried to get a passport for my son, I "didn't have the right kind of sole custody." I had no current phone number or address for the ex (even though he was required to keep me updated as part of the divorce decree), and had to jump through all kinds of hoops to get a passport (have child support people send him a certified letter for me since they had his address but I didn't, had to hire an attorney, had to prove I had spend x time contacting him y different ways, waited for a judgement, etc). Getting a passport for my son cost more than my divorce (and I had a lawyer for my divorce, but the rules for passports had changed after the fact).
Not having 100% custody, with a distant spouse (even if he does maintain contact, etc), can cause a whole bundle of more expensive issues, or even just hassle, in the future.
100% this. Even if he just plans to jet off to Mexico alone - YOU need full custody of your kids so that you don’t have to rely on him for anything.
You are about to enter into a major legal agreement, which affects your business, all of your property, the lives of your children, your schedule from now until they are all 18 and where the other party is non-communicative and impulsive. Neither of you has relevant expertise to navigate the system nor draft well crafted and binding documentation.
and you are considering *not* hiring a professional? Do it for your kids.
Definitely big warning signs that something isn't right. Is it possible he's going through a bipolar manic episode? The spending and grand dreams of abandoning family are hallmark mania.
He’s absolutely going through something, I don’t know what..midlife crisis? My friends say narcissism, but that seems to be the catch all issue anymore. He doesn’t want connection with anyone, stopped telling his mom anything, has no friends…it’s very worrisome and I’ve told him repeatedly to get therapy to find how to be happy, even without us being together. But I guess he thinks Mexico is the answer.
He does not sound like a true narcissist. He sounds depressed. And possibly a midlife crisis. Given his upbringing, I would imagine it is very hard for him to truly trust people, both their word and their emotions. Beyond not having a good model of what a healthy relationship looks like, people were coming and going, a lot it sounds like, so I would think perhaps he learned that it hurts to get attached to people.
I think getting a lawyer to put the paper work together is definitely needed.
In a weird way it almost seems mildly threatening that if you don’t do this super duper casual divorce then you don’t get everything you want - all the assets, access to your children, little debt. It’s like “Don’t ask questions, don’t dig too deep, just go along”.
That never seems to work out for women/wives/bigger earners. This divorce may never get messy, but if it does, you will be glad for a lawyer. And if it only gets messy because you bring in a lawyer to protect yourself and what’s yours … well, your simple divorce was doomed anyway.
A coworker suddenly quit his job last year, and we found out it was because he was getting divorced and leaving the country - to Colombia, where he apparently already had a different job lined up. Everyone who knew him, including long-time coworkers and his wife, were shocked. I don't know what happened with their school age kids and custody, but the whole thing got legally complicated very quickly. I would definitely want a lawyer on deck already in case this happens.
The IRS will not care what the divorce decree says about the taxes on the retirement withdrawal. You will still be responsible in their eyes. If the divorce decree says he has to pay and he doesn’t do so, you may be able to sue your ex for the amount you end up paying but please don’t think it will protect you from the IRS and any repercussions associated with those taxes going unpaid.
Post by cattledogkisses on Apr 24, 2023 17:35:25 GMT -5
The fact that he's gone through the process to get a Russian visa is alarming.
I'm glad you're getting a lawyer, because he needs to not have any custody, physical or legal, of your kids. If he's contemplating moving to Russia (!) that would absolutely be a hill I would die on.
Ok douche, go ahead and call it mud. My husband DID have halitosis. We addressed it after I talked to you girls on here and guess what? Years later, no problem. Mofongo, you're a cunt. Eat shit. ~anonnamus
Post by mrsslocombe on Apr 24, 2023 17:59:58 GMT -5
This is crazy because you don't just get a Russian visa for shits and giggles-you have to have definitive travel dates, plans, etc.
The Mexico thing I just assumed was a lost dude investigating ways to get away from all his responsibilities. But a Russian visa is a wild turn of events.
Post by icedcoffee on Apr 24, 2023 18:01:58 GMT -5
At first I was team “lawyer up but this can probably be a civil inexpensive divorce”. Having a Russian visa right now throws me right onto team “find the best lawyer you can and trust no one”.
But you couldn’t pay me to go to Russia right now or probably ever again, honestly.
This is crazy because you don't just get a Russian visa for shits and giggles-you have to have definitive travel dates, plans, etc.
The Mexico thing I just assumed was a lost dude investigating ways to get away from all his responsibilities. But a Russian visa is a wild turn of events.
And it’s been a hot minute but when I went to St. Petersburg the visa wasn’t cheap or easy to get if I remember correctly.
Post by dancingnancy on Apr 24, 2023 18:05:49 GMT -5
Holy shit. Maybe it doesn’t help that as we speak I am watching the Navalny doc, but what the heck is going on here?? Good luck with everything and keep us posted!
Ok douche, go ahead and call it mud. My husband DID have halitosis. We addressed it after I talked to you girls on here and guess what? Years later, no problem. Mofongo, you're a cunt. Eat shit. ~anonnamus
The IRS will not care what the divorce decree says about the taxes on the retirement withdrawal. You will still be responsible in their eyes. If the divorce decree says he has to pay and he doesn’t do so, you may be able to sue your ex for the amount you end up paying but please don’t think it will protect you from the IRS and any repercussions associated with those taxes going unpaid.
While this is true, it would provide supporting documentation if she were to file an "innocent spouse relief" form. I was able to successfully get out of paying my XH's taxes from cashing out his retirement funds because I claimed that I was unaware of him cashing them out and never saw the money (which was true!), and also we divorced around that same time. I think a divorce decree stating that he is responsible for the taxes (and perhaps there is something that could be written into the decree stating that she was unaware of this and did not benefit from the money) will help if she needs to file a similar plea with the IRS.
I was honestly surprised that it worked, but it did! And would have only been on the hook for like $1900 if I failed. I don't know how much OP's H cashed out but it could be much more than that, so I would do whatever I could now to hold him legally to paying the taxes and have documentation as such.
Oh thank God. I mean all the money stuff aside, the mexico relocation comments were what concerned me but Russian visa?
Please make copies of everything that you've found in case it helps with custody later on. I don't like this one bit and I would be nervous letting him take the kids.