Crazy divorce situation, wwyd???? Need advice.

[sleepyheads]

My husband and I of almost 13 years are divorcing. We have 2 children, 8 and 9. I own a business and make 2x his salary. We each have retirement (of which he just told me last night, his is all gone from some recent trips he made trying to ‘find himself’) and maybe 15k cc debt that could just be paid off easily in a few months.

He wants to do a dissolution and wants nothing…wants me to keep the house (it’s in my name only anyways), doesn’t want any support or any portion of my business..we are selling a boat (also in my name only), and doesn’t want that either. He would like shared custody of the kids so neither of us need to pay child support. Everyone is telling me I should have a lawyer, which makes sense generally, except he isn’t asking for anything.

Here’s the thing. Last night, in his Facebook feed, he joined a Mexican residency group and was asking questions about temporary residency. I am so dumbfounded….he has never been open with me, so I don’t think asking him will result in the truth. It’s possible he cashed out his retirement and is thinking of leaving the US…

If you were in this situation, would you go forward with the dissolution and not try to rock the boat. I can support myself and my kids. Or would you get lawyers involved to see wtf is going on, but then maybe having an expensive divorce and having to split assets??

[hermione]

With kids, and with a husband I suspected may be leaving the country, I would lawyer up immediately. If it's as amicable as you say, the cost shouldn't be THAT much.

[seeyalater52]

You know your own situation and your soon to be ex way better than we ever could from one post, but there is very little in the way of material items or hassle that I wouldn't trade to eliminate the possibility of an international custody dispute/kidnapping situation. Even if it is not the most likely outcome the fear of it is just too real for me.

[twinmomma]

Get a lawyer. Even when everything seems amicable now, you have no idea how your futures will pan out and you want to be protected. My fiance is going through issues now with his exwife because they had a very vague divorce decree and parenting plan with a lot of handshake deals and agreements to be reasonable. Now she's re-married and trying to play games and change the rules and not live up to those "be reasonable" agreements they didn't spell out in writing during the divorce.

[momin2013]

I would absolutely get a lawyer.

[sleepyheads]

My friend also brought up international kidnapping..they thankfully don’t have passports at this time. And if he seriously left the country without even telling me what he’s doing, he would never be allowed to take them there. He’s a US citizen and has only been the Mexico once, I have no fucking idea what he’s thinking. And this is all assuming, based on a question he posed in a Mexican residency group…but it’s just too strange.

[Deleted]

I would lawyer up immediately and honestly avoid any situations where he has the kids for extended periods of time without you. I would do all school drop offs/pick ups, etc. And if they have passports, I'd hide them.

[sapenguin]

In my state, no matter whose name is on property it is community property, so would be split 50/50 if either party pushes for that. My divorce was amicable and we split things how we wanted, but it was precarious and could have just as easily gone the other way (my ex cleaned out our retirement accounts and spent time "finding himself," too). I would recommend lawyering up. I wish I had done that from the start. In my opinion the peace of mind would be worth the money, especially with kids involved.

[lucybrown]

Without a doubt, I would retain a lawyer through a divorce. Even in the most amicable situation, without some of the red flags you've shared.

A good lawyer will work to resolve things in your desired way, but also protect your best interests.

[cville]

Get a lawyer.

[gerberdaisy]

Just another voice saying to get a lawyer. I had a very uncomplicated divorce years ago (no kids, everything was agreed upon) and it was just so much easier to have a lawyer. We paid $1500 and they did all the paperwork and we didn't have to deal with each other.

With kids involved, 100% I would want a lawyer to draft the agreement and review it to make sure we have everything covered. Doesn't need to be court room drama, just making sure everything is agreed upon now.

[sleepyheads]

My understanding is that even a dissolution requires a lawyer to draw up the paperwork, it’s just decided by us, and is also accomplished in 30-90 days. Whereas a divorce could be up to a year (in Ohio) and would require both of us having a lawyer.

[wanderingback]

Yeah with kids I’d definitely get a lawyer so you can at least ask them questions, even if you don’t have to "fight" anything. You’ll still want to have some kind of custody agreement even if everything is amicable because you just never know.

[wanderingback]

Apr 24, 2023 11:36:55 GMT -5 gerberdaisy said:

Just another voice saying to get a lawyer. I had a very uncomplicated divorce years ago (no kids, everything was agreed upon) and it was just so much easier to have a lawyer. We paid $1500 and they did all the paperwork and we didn't have to deal with each other.

With kids involved, 100% I would want a lawyer to draft the agreement and review it to make sure we have everything covered. Doesn't need to be court room drama, just making sure everything is agreed upon now.

Exactly.
Getting a lawyer doesn’t mean you’re going to war with the other person.

[jg183]

Did you take a picture of the fb feed? If not and you can still see it, make sure you do

But yes get a lawyer. If it is as easy as you say it wont be as expensive but having it all done up front and not having to have a lawyer sift through later will save money

[sleepyheads]

I did take a screenshot of the feed and his further questions. He never uses Facebook and I don’t think he has any idea that friends can see questions he asks in groups. I’m going to consult a lawyer and see what they have to say. Thanks for the advice.

[jennistarr1]

I'm wondering if the reason he agreed to all you listed above is so you agree to dissolution...something just doesn't pass the sniff test here

[katespade]

Also, a lawyer can help you work through the legalities of his recent withdrawals from his retirement accounts. Depending on the state you live in, he may owe you a portion of the funds he spent without your approval.

[sleepyheads]

Apr 24, 2023 11:50:19 GMT -5 jennistarr1 said:

I'm wondering if the reason he agreed to all you listed above is so you agree to dissolution...something just doesn't pass the sniff test here

This is my exact issue. Who leaves a marriage and asks for NOTHING unless they are hiding something. But that’s also why I’m considering the dissolution, because I can take care of myself and the kids without needing anything from him and he can go do whatever the fuck he wants.

[achi]

100% lawyer your ass up. This feels like the start of a bad made-for-TV movie and, if nothing else, you'll at least have this piece of the puzzle ready to go if/when you need it.

[Velar Fricative]

Obviously, yes, you need a lawyer yesterday.

What this sounds like to me most likely is that he wants to be off the hook financially, hence why he wants shared custody. But how much would he actually see the kids if he's in Mexico? And the fact that he spent all his retirement money...he could have done that to help ensure he'd have nothing to support your family with. International kidnapping is obviously something to take very seriously and bring to your lawyer, but it's more likely he just wants to be a deadbeat.

[formerlyak]

I was with you on the no lawyer part until you got to the residency in another country part. First, print that page so you have a record. Then I would definitely get a lawyer and aim for primary custody. There are also places on the divorce custody forms where you can put that travel outside xx miles from the family home (where you live now) need written approval from the other party a certain amount of time in advance. We have that in ours and we live 15 miles from each other. It's not a big deal if no one is doing anything shady. We just type up the schedule, email it to the other person and then reply back "Confirmed. Have fun." or whatever. But at least we have a record.

[sleepyheads]

Apr 24, 2023 11:50:43 GMT -5 katespade said:

Also, a lawyer can help you work through the legalities of his recent withdrawals from his retirement accounts. Depending on the state you live in, he may owe you a portion of the funds he spent without your approval.

But at what cost? I don’t need that from him and while I probably certainly deserve it, it might make everything more messy and hard on the kids. And if he withdrew from retirement, he would have some sort of penalty.

[rosiebear]

Get a lawyer. Also, even with 50/50 physical custody you’d be ordered to pay child support unless he specifically waives it and the judge approves that. Same with if he moves out of the country and rarely sees them - your kids are entitled to his $$ support unless you specifically waive it and the judge agrees.

Don’t try to DIY.

[sleepyheads]

I also will never do a dissolution without 100% custody. That’s not an option.

[sofamonkey]

Even if everything is on the up and up, you’ll need a lawyer to make sure current laws are met. If one of you is legally obligated to child or spousal support, you likely will need a lawyer to draw up proper paperwork to waive this.

Something doesn’t seem right. I think it’s the spending, finding himself trips, and wanting to basically run away. Maybe he’s got some issues going on, but it doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s nefarious. It might be just regular dumb!

In any case, you can both use the same lawyer. I did with my first H, and it was worth it to be for real and forever done properly.

[devonpow]

As the daughter of an attorney - always get a lawyer. It doesn’t need ri be expensive, but it’s so much better to have protection just in case. Don’t mess around with stuff when you have major finances and kids involved.

[DefenseAgainstTheDarkArts22]

Someone smarter than me, could there be tax implications for OP if he did cash out retirement and they file jointly? Or because the divorce would be done this year that wouldn't be a concern?

[rosiebear]

Apr 24, 2023 11:58:10 GMT -5 sleepyheads said:

I also will never do a dissolution without 100% custody. That’s not an option.

I don’t know about your state, but 100% custody to one parent may well require a recommendation from a court appointed or approved expert that this is in the children’s best interests.

A dissolution is really only suited to the least complicated situations and yours … is not that.

[deadwing]

Apr 24, 2023 11:56:36 GMT -5 sleepyheads said:

Apr 24, 2023 11:50:43 GMT -5 katespade said:

Also, a lawyer can help you work through the legalities of his recent withdrawals from his retirement accounts. Depending on the state you live in, he may owe you a portion of the funds he spent without your approval.

But at what cost? I don’t need that from him and while I probably certainly deserve it, it might make everything more messy and hard on the kids. And if he withdrew from retirement, he would have some sort of penalty.

IMO, the cost of not hiring a lawyer might be that your XH disappears to Mexico with your kids and then you have an international custody battle on your hands.  Cover your ass now.  Hire an attorny.