Do you love people you don't like?

[fortnightlily]

I'm a pretty cerebral, logical person as opposed to an emotional one (INTJ, if anyone takes stock in that stuff). I got in a debate with someone recently so I'm curious about other people's take on this.

What does it feel like to love someone if you don't like them? I'm talking more like someone you're "supposed" to love, like a blood relative, not a romantic partner, and not "I don't like them today because they said something annoying but tomorrow we'll be good again" but someone who has displayed a pattern of attitudes or behaviors that make you not like them as a person or not like the way they treat you or others. Like a racist uncle, or a bullying sibling, or a demeaning parent.

For me, personally, I have a very hard time mustering affection for someone I don't like. For me, love feels like a desire to spend time with a person, take care of that person if they needed it, and I'd miss them if they were gone. But... I share those feelings for plenty of friends, too. On the flip side, I suppose love could be feelings like worry about something bad happening to someone, but again, I'd feel the same way about lots of people that aren't family.

So, if you love someone but don't like that person, what does that actually feel like? Do you think there's something wrong with someone if they don't feel like they automatically love someone unlikeable just because they're family?

[Queen Dick, Hibernating Bear]

Jun 1, 2023 8:24:47 GMT -5 fortnightlily said:

Do you think there's something wrong with someone if they don't feel like they automatically love someone unlikeable just because they're family?

Fuck no. That's how it should be.

[Patsy Baloney]

I’m all-in or all-out on a person.

I have high standards for myself and others. Unlikeable people can kick rocks. There are plenty of good people who don’t suck to spend time and energy on.

[ECB]

I'm almost the opposite of you- ISFP - and I feel a lot like you on this topic. There are 2 people in my life that I don't really feel I "love" even if I'm supposed to. I don't hate either of them, though. One is my brother. Quite honestly, when my step mother dies, I don't know if I'll ever see my brother again. And I'm not sad about it. He's a sociopath and just isn't a factor in my life. WHile I can't say I hate him, I don't feel love for him at all.

Then my FIL. He's a nice man, but he is SO stubborn and self-centered. I have a really hard time with him. What I feel for him is respect as the father of my DH. And I respect that my DH loves him and feels a responsibility towards him. I don't feel love for him and I can't muster up and even pretend. I don't like to hug him, etc.

So - not what your asking, but giving you support. You aren't alone on this topic. I have a lot of friends who I feel very close to, I love them, and would miss them if they aren't in my life. I don't feel that blood makes a family/ makes a relationship.

[dontlook]

You absolutely don’t have to love people just because you are related to them.

I have an aunt that I don’t like or love.

I love my dad but I don’t like him. Our relationship is very complicated. My love shows up in thinking about him, checking in on him, keeping updated on his health issues, helping him stay connected to my mom’s side of the family and eventually will result in me showing up as his health continues to deteriorate.

I love my sister but I don’t often like her behavior. She has addiction issues which makes interacting with her very hard. She’s currently sober and it reminds me how much I miss her. Loving her means having healthy boundaries when she’s not sober and being very supportive when she is sober.

I don’t have too many issues around me feelings for these people. I try to embrace an “it is what it is” approach and find peace in that.

[rubytue]

Yeah, I am not someone who can do that. I went no contact with the lady that raised me over 20 years ago, only looked back once, and regret that 6 weeks.

[mae0111]

I'm also an INTJ, and I struggle with this as well. My mother is... difficult. She did her best with us when we were kids, but as we've all gotten older, I've just realized that she's extremely selfish and self-centered. I've also come to the realization that she doesn't like me very much. She likes one of my kids a lot - the very difficult one that constantly has my house in an uproar. She doesn't like my other DD either.

It's hard because she's my mom, she sees me out of obligation, I see her out of obligation. But being with someone that I dislike or hold extreme feelings of anger and resentment toward is difficult for me.

I'm working with my therapist to figure this out. I don't want to cut her out completely because she's still married to my dad, and he's pretty awesome. I keep hoping the relationship will change, and beat myself up when she acts the way she always acts.

I have to get better about protecting myself.

[midwestmama]

Honestly, I don't like or love my MIL. I just put up with her because I have to because she's related to DH and he hasn't fully cut her out of his life. If she was just a random person, she is someone I would never be friends or even acquaintances with. I'm pretty sure she has Borderline Personality Disorder. Even outside of that, she is always in victim-mentality mode. Nothing is ever her fault, and I just don't like it when people can't own up to mistakes/decisions when it was clearly within their control.



I love my sister, but I don't really like her. We're just very different people with not much in common.

[goldengirlz]

I have a complicated relationship with my mom. She was extremely hard on me growing up, critical, judgmental, insecure. I know she had a lot of her own baggage because of a far more dysfunctional childhood, and with time I’ve come to have a large degree of sympathy for her. The older (and frailer) she gets, I find that increasingly true. She’s no longer this big personality that I spar with, but this little old lady I keep an eye on.

I spoil everyone in my orbit. My love language is gift giving, and I find that I tend to send her more expensive gifts ever since my dad died — like I fly her to visit me in first class because she gets so easily overwhelmed by everything and the perks help with that.

I do make fun of her quite a bit with my H because she always says the wildest, battiest things. I also still instinctively pull back when she hugs me or tries to “mother” me.

And yes, I’m in therapy. But I do think I’ve broken the cycle with my own DC so I’m at peace with this outcome.

[midwestmama]

Jun 1, 2023 9:02:50 GMT -5 midwestmama said:

Somehow I failed at technology today and quoted myself instead of editing my original post. LOL.

[emilyinchile]

I think there's a difference between loving someone you don't actively like - like your brother is a decent person but has nothing in common with you, or everything he does bugs you but isn't objectively awful - and someone you actively dislike because the person is at least in your eyes not a good person. I cannot imagine loving racist uncle beyond the basic "I don't wish him ill" that I try to extend to even horrible people for the sake of my own conscience.

[expectantsteelerfan]

I have a very complicated relationship with my parents.

I don't like many things about both of them. I truly don't understand how I was raised by them and ended up how I did and am SO FUNDAMENTALLY DIFFERENT from them (and how they are so different from each other, although they are divorced now so that does track at least). I truly do not enjoy spending time with my mother, and being around her triggers both my anxiety and often leads to anger and fights and sadness on both our parts, but I do it because I feel like I'm supposed to, she guilts me into it, she does have a decent relationship with my kids and I don't want to take that away from either of them, and because she does provide 'help' in some ways like watching my kids at times when I need her to or other things and I feel like I need to keep up at least a minimal relationship with her in order to reap the benefits of that. Also, it's not like she was ever abusive in any way or did anything truly awful, we just had a contentious mother/daughter relationship where we truly did not understand each other and she did not meet some of my needs growing up and I didn't feel I could count on her at times when I needed an adult. They are issues that probably could be resolved by therapy and work on both our parts, but it's taken us until this point for her to realize that, and at this point in my life I'm not willing to put in the time/effort for the relationship.

With my dad, he's just not around much and doesn't seem interested in a relationship beyond a surface seeing us a handful times a year with me/my kids even though he lives 15 minutes away, and I also have lingering resentment issues with him, so I'm not really interested in more from him, but again, he's my dad, so we still see him for major holidays and 'look' like we have a fine relationship in pictures and whatnot.

[fortnightlily]

Good to feel validated! I find it such an interesting dynamic too, because I'm sitting here like "I don't have to love someone just because they are family" but ALSO like "I can still be civil and be around those people, accept the fine parts and take them as they are and just let our relationship be a cordial one." Things roll off my back pretty easily. I don't feel the need to label people toxic or cut them out of my life when they're not abusers, just assholes.

Obviously I definitely recognize boundary setting as valid choice for people where actual damage has been done and there are serious issues like abuse, addiction, mental illness. But in my life I've noticed it's the same people who expect family loyalty to trump all else to be the quickest ones to frame themselves as victims when there is some conflict and retaliate with tactics like the silent treatment or punitive estrangement.

[mpm]

I too have some complicated family relationships. I find it helpful to not put labels like “love” on it. They’re family, and because of that we’ve shared life experiences that I don’t share with anyone else in the world. I’ve mourned the relationship that I wish we had and after many years of angst have found acceptance. Beyond that, it doesn’t matter what we call it.

[bex1973]

I'm of the opinion that personally I have to like someone to be able to love them. I can understand how others can separate the 2 but I personally can't.

Like others have said I have a complicated relationship with my mom and it's taken me a long time to realize that I am under no obligation to love or even like her simply because she is related.

[ssmjlm]

I don't like or love any of my IL's. Honestly, DH might love them in a sense of they're family, but he doesn't like any of them. It's all superficial.

My paternal grandparents were terrible parents and grandparents. I don't think they loved anyone, let alone received loved back.

[cville]

I think the answer to this question depends on how you define love. If you think of it as you do, including wanting to spend time with someone, then no. I think of love in a different way. Familial love, as opposed to romantic love, is, to me, about emotional connection in an enduring way. So, to me you can love someone you don't like. But that means 0 when it comes to dictating that you need to spend time with them. Family relationships do not compel anything in terms of time spent with people you don't like and aren't good for you. And familial love can end.

I love my uncle, with whom I have little in common and don't always like. I limit time with him. I do not love or like my aunt, who is a selfish, unrepentant bully. I spend no time with her and haven't for years. And I share a first name with her. Which is why I chose 0 family names for my kids.

[kdubs923]

Add me to the confused list. Another one here with a strained relationship with my Mom.

Mine wasn't abusive, but she was never really the adult in our relationship. I love the idea of a mom, but she was never that person for me (my aunt is thankfully amazing and filled that void). My mom has not been dependable, interested in my life, or loving. When she did show interest in me, it was for the sake of show so she could tell people what a great mom she is. It has to have been decades since we've hugged or said I love you.

Fast forward to now, I'm all she has... so yes, I'll drive you to your colonoscopy or bring you meds when you have Covid. But.... I'm not gonna vacation with you like you'd like. Or spend each weekend with you (so you can tell people that you're a super involved Nana, but don't actually interact with the grandkids when they're in front of you).

I was originally going to respond to this post saying I love my Mom but don't like her. But I guess maybe the 'love' I experience is really a sense of obligation to her role in my life (mom) vs love of her as a person.

[pixy0stix]

INTJ as well - and in general if I don't like someone, be it family or other, I don't feel an obligation to them. As others have said, my mother is the exception to the rule, and there was a long time where I said, "I don't like her, but I love her and care for her." There was also a very long time where I didn't speak or interact with her at all to protect myself and to work through what I was feeling for her.

[sugarbear1]

Nope.
I have had three family members who are vile by most standards and I neither loved them nor liked them. Two have passed and one is no longer allowed to take up space in my brain or my life. I have kept his secret for 30 years and I'm happy to keep doing so if it means he'll never be in the presence of my children or me.

[mrsslocombe]

I would normally say no but I guess looking at the situation currently, it's where my husband and I are with his parents.

They are approaching 90. They have a lot of health issues, are stubborn AF, every single thing is an argument with them. His mother has wild mood swings and his father is particularly adept at making every situation worse. We definitely do not like them 98% of the time. But we understand that cognitive and physical decline has turned them into different people, and we need to extend grace to them.

So it's definitely love but not like right now.

But my racist AF aunts and uncles fuck no, I do not have any feelings but contempt for them.

[W.T.Faulkner]

If love is an action, as in I want the best for the person and I act to try to make that happen, then I love every student even if I would knock some of them out given a guarantee I would not be prosecuted.

[wildrice]

I don't know. I think a lot of people love out of obligation and it can be really helpful to step back and think about WHY you love someone. This comes up a lot here in terms of people who are in bad marriages but "really love the person" even when the marriage should clearly be over and there doesn't seem to be much to love about that person anymore- it always makes me question what that means, and not in a judgy way because I was once there myself. I used to think I loved my XH even though I didn't like him very much - I cared about him as a person who was a huge part of my life and who I had a shared history with. Even when we split I was originally like "I am not in love with him but I love him like a member of my family". After some time and space I realized that was NOT the case and I honestly wouldn't care if he died at this point. He means nothing to me anymore and the only concern I have related to him is that he's out there in the world hurting other people the way he hurt me and those around us when I knew him. Because of this experience myself, I suspect many people love someone out of habit or familiarity or fear of change vs actively loving them.

There are no members of my actual family who I feel that way about, but there are a couple of cousins/uncles who I do have major personal differences with and will probably never really like. I don't want anything bad to happen to them because I don't think they are globally horrible people, and there are other people who I care about a lot who DO love them, but they really have no impact on my life either way so saying that I love them is probably not actually true either.

[fangoriagurkel]

For me, it feels like the concern you referenced. If they were injured, in a fire, etc… I would feel sad. But not any more than I would towards anyone in that situation. If a stranger broke their leg, I would sign their cast and hold the door open for them but that’s about it.

I do not actively go out of my way to change someone’s outlook or personality or spend extra time with them. Read this with a sociopathic inflection or not, but I have more than one family member I am polite around because I’m ready for the piece of jewelry or meager inheritance I get when they finally kick off.

Hell, I’m smiling in someone’s face RIGHT NOW for a watch that has been promised to me in writing. Worst case scenario and the will is contested, at least they’re still dead.

[arehopsveggies]

My grandma can be really mean, I come home from each visit and tell DH that I love her but don’t like her.
I’ve cut visits down from once a month to more like 5x a year, because the drive is long and it’s hard to fit into my schedule. I do have to talk to my kids about how she is going to say mean/inappropriate things. But she is mid 80s and I’m not going to change her by arguing about things.

[donutsmakemegonuts]

I think love looks different for everyone, so there is no clear way to define what it might look like, especially in this case. As others have said, no one should feel obligated to love or like someone just because they are family or they feel they are supposed to. Lots of people get caught up in toxic situations because of this and it's obviously not healthy. You have the right to feel the way you feel. Healthy boundaries are a must.

[skidunks]

I do not have much of a relationship with my sister since she has cut the majority of the rest of our family out of her life. I don’t like the person she has chosen to be, I don’t like the things she has done and I don’t like her. I would be sad if something bad happened to her but I don’t care to have a closer relationship her at this time.

[simpsongal]

Hmmm, I love both of my brothers and would do a lot for them. I just sort of....compartmentalize the troubling parts of their views/personalities. My old brother is susceptible to conspiracy theories. I don't know why. Like even when he stopped talking to me for vaccinating my kids, I knew his concern came from a sincerely held belief and love for me and my family. I don't know if there'a mental health issue there....I just don't dwell on it. We haven't spoken in years but I love him. Maybe not interacting helps?

My twin brother is a mess too....again, I compartmentalize and keep conversation topics limited. I have a lot of empathy for him, though occasionally I just shake my fist at the sky and his horrendous life choices (and the disease of addiction) and how they impact those around him.

[egishere]

My sister for sure. We've never been close and she put my parents thru so much crap over the years with no regard to anyone. We don't have a phone relationship and I see her maybe every two years or so at an event. We live in different states. Once my Dad passes I doubt we will ever see each other. I am close to my brother.

I used to think that was weird but I realize my Mom had the same relationship with two of her brothers-just not close at all. She was close to her sister.

[waverly]

I can generally feel "love" for someone but not necessarily want to be around them. I never experienced abuse or trauma by immediate family members, so I am sure that my answer would vary from someone in that position. My dad is not a great person in general. I did rescue him and visited him a few time in assisted living, but I don't generally want to do that all the time or on a regular basis. My sister feels the same way. She will do some things for him (he lives closer) but since he is well cared for, it is not a priority that we go frequently. We didn't experience the silent treatment or punitive estrangement. I think DH has experienced that with his siblings, but I haven't. While, it would be nice if his siblings were better, they have been problematic their entire life/ relationship, so I think we both realize and accept it, so we aren't really out there trying to make it better or anything. We just let it lie because they aren't really capable of relationships. DH's brother is disabled and unable to work or attend school and has significant mental illness. DH's sister is just a very aggressive type of person, and that is very difficult to be around. Any sign of weakness, and she will just attack you verbally.  It's just not something we want to be around anymore as we are too old for that crap.