Spending Time w/ Kids - Pleasure vs. Work

[ny96]

H and I had an argument on Sunday and it left me feeling incredibly guilty even though I think I’m right. I took the kids out of the house so H could have some time to himself. He ended up cleaning while we were out and got upset that I wasn’t more helpful when we returned because in his eyes we were all out doing an enjoyable activity together while he was home working.

Here is the “enjoyable activity”

I took the kids to Family Day at an art museum downtown. We looked for parking for too long, while the kids argued with each other in the backseat, before I finally gave up and parked in a lot. We then walked 6 blocks to the museum (kids complained the whole way). When we arrived the kids didn’t want to go in, they just wanted to do the outdoor art activity. They ignored my request that they put on aprons, got paint all over their clothes, got upset about that, got upset that their paintings weren’t perfect, overall it went ok but wasn’t great. Afterwards I had promised DS1 that we would go to Little Tokyo so we went there, battled large crowds, went to 2 anime stores where it was hard to keep track of the kids and I had to say no to them numerous times regarding all the crap they wanted to buy. Finally before heading home we stopped at the Japanese grocer where DS2 took way too long to decide on the gummy candy he wanted.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids. I enjoy spending time with them, but often times when we go do something that’s specifically geared towards them it’s more work than fun.

[archiethedragon]

parenting is hard

[twilightmv]

What was the conversation before you left? Did he know you were specifically taking the kids out so he could get something done? Or did he think you were all having a fun day and didn’t invite him?

When the kids were younger we definitely took them out sometimes to get them out of the other parent’s hair either because they needed a break or to get something done. But it was usually discussed. Now if I’m planning something fun with the kids I’ll ask DH if he wants in.
So more context needed.

[scm1011]

Team you. I'm generally the one who takes the kids (4 & 6) on those types of "enjoyable outings" and as soon as I get home I'm off duty for an hour or 2 because its exhausting for the reasons you mentioned. DH totally gets it and feels like its a fair trade off.

ETA: I don't feel like I need to "invite" DH, obviously he's welcome to join any of these family outings.  

[expectantsteelerfan]

Yeah I agree that the argument likely arose from unclear expectations from both of you. If you communicate more clearly about why you are doing what you are doing and what you want to get out of it, it might help there be less resentment from the adults. Still won't be fun to take the kids out on stressful outings, but at least you won't come home to a resentful partner (or maybe they will take them instead thinking that would be fun and you'd get the time to yourself!)

[beerlover]

Yeah team you. I would be grateful in that situation if my spouse took the kids out of the house for the day, regardless of what I ended up doing. I would never be sad I didn't go, because generally those outings are exhausting lol.

[ny96]

Jun 6, 2023 12:45:05 GMT -5 ny96 said:

Jun 6, 2023 12:38:32 GMT -5 twilightmv said:

What was the conversation before you left? Did he know you were specifically taking the kids out so he could get something done? Or did he think you were all having a fun day and didn’t invite him?

When the kids were younger we definitely took them out sometimes to get them out of the other parent’s hair either because they needed a break or to get something done. But it was usually discussed. Now if I’m planning something fun with the kids I’ll ask DH if he wants in.
So more context needed.

I think it’s less about him and more about whether this was a “fun” day out with the kids and the guilt trip he gave me about not feeling like spending time with the kids is fun.

[smock]

If that's his perspective, he can take the kids out on an "enjoyable activity" next weekend. Team you.

[thebreakfastclub]

To me that was 3 separate activities in one day. I wouldn't promise a 2nd or 3rd stop after anything to be honest. If things aren't working, call it a day and go home.

[gerberdaisy]

I get it and I think both of you deserve to relax after your day. While you may have enjoyed it at times lol, your day sounds like work and I would be exhausted when I got home. If I were in your shoes I would be really annoyed, but also seems like a good conversation to have to be on the same page in the future.

We have a similar issue with me thinking that H should get more done when I am out with the kids. To me its prime cleaning time, wehre he wants to relax. Something we need to talk about more.

[mpm]

Neither of you is right. It sounds like you both need to communicate better.

Taking kids out is hard. But missing out on fun activities with your kids - even if these activities include the unfun parts of parenting - is also hard.

I’m often the parent who needs to work and H volunteers to take the kids out to get out of my hair. But if they do something *really fun* I’ll end up just feeling like a shitty parent for not doing the fun thing with my kids. So I don’t mind if he takes them to the neighborhood park we go to all the time, but would be really upset if they went to the zoo without me, for example. And we always talk through what they’ll be doing first so that we’re in agreement, no feelings are hurt, and he feels like he can get a break for alone time too.

[twilightmv]

No he shouldn’t have guilt tripped you. And it sounds like your intentions were to get them out of his hair. But I was also thinking if the position was reversed and DH and the kids all went out to a fair and left me to clean the house, I would be bummed about that unless we specifically discussed him taking the kids so I could get stuff done.
It seems like you want us to validate that you shouldn’t feel guilty here. Which I will do! You don’t need to feel guilty. And parenting is stressful. However it sounds like a possible communication breakdown here.

[sometimesrunner]

I'm definitely team you. Wrangling children and navigating social, behavioral, and logistical situations is exhausting. In our household, if we had split up like that, once everyone was home we'd all have quiet time where the kids are playing by themselves, together, or on devices while me and H recharge. Cleaning is work, too, but I'd much rather have a few hours of silence while cleaning!

[waverly]

You were both working. Parenting is work and cleaning is work. If he was still cleaning and wanted you to pitch in when you got home, then I would have helped him clean when I got home. I also would have chosen less activities or activities that didn't involve parking/ crowd issues if possible because I strongly dislike looking for parking and crowds lol. If the kids are fighting that's on them, but if it is an activity that you agreed upon just to please them, then don't feel like you have to do it that way. I may have guided them to a local playground or a movie instead. DS is constantly suggesting museum that are super pricey and a long drive. We rarely entertain that idea because we already went to them a bunch of times when he was little and don't feel like going again right now.

[Jalapeñomel]

There is such a difference between the way men look at what women do and what women actually do.

[InBetweenDays]

I don't think either of you are right or wrong. Sounds like you envisioned your DH having a relaxing day home alone but he chose to be productive and clean. He envisioned you having a nice day out with the kids but it ended up being more work than you expected. I wouldn't automatically expect to come home and be off duty in that situation.

In the future I'd maybe clarify "hey, I know we both need a break. How about I take the kids out for the afternoon so you can relax and when we get home you can take over with the kids so I can have some down time".

[ny96]

Jun 6, 2023 12:51:52 GMT -5 mpm said:

Neither of you is right. It sounds like you both need to communicate better.

Taking kids out is hard. But missing out on fun activities with your kids - even if these activities include the unfun parts of parenting - is also hard.

I’m often the parent who needs to work and H volunteers to take the kids out to get out of my hair. But if they do something *really fun* I’ll end up just feeling like a shitty parent for not doing the fun thing with my kids. So I don’t mind if he takes them to the neighborhood park we go to all the time, but would be really upset if they went to the zoo without me, for example. And we always talk through what they’ll be doing first so that we’re in agreement, no feelings are hurt, and he feels like he can get a break for alone time too.

Maybe this is where I feel guilt because I never feel like the shitty parent or that I’m missing out on doing the fun thing with my kids.

[joy]

When my husband takes our daughter out and I stay home to clean, I know that I’m on duty when he gets home. Haha. The outing was probably fine but not relaxing and required constant brain power. At least my cleaning was mindless, done in peace, and I could listen to music/podcasts.

My good man of a husband also knows the deal when I take our kid out so he steps up when I get home.

Kids are a lot, man.

[ECB]

I'm not sure exactly where I fall on this. Gut response is "team you", but I also agree there may be some communication gaps too - your expectation of what you were giving him, vs what you went and did without him.

BUT ALSO- and to your end, you and the kids aren't supposed to do anything fun when he isn't there? That's also what I read from his perspective. Going out for the day with 2 young kids is going to be tiring. Full stop. What activities are acceptable to him where it's WORK for you and therefore when you get home, you don't have to jump right into helping him?

Which is another thing - HE decided to clean instead of relax and because HE decided to clean, it then falls to YOU to step in and help out even though that wasn't your plan for when you returned home? That's not fair either. He made choices here.

So, I guess I'm more team you than anything! I do think you all need to talk more and be more clear about your expectations, but I have a couple issues with his perspective.

[VillainV]

Doing kid activities, especially with multiple kids, is exhausting, and not always “fun.” Some things are more fun than others. A trip to the movies on a full stomach? Not bad. The art museum trip you mentioned? Not my idea of fun for me (but I’d still take my kid if he wanted to go).

Someone (on here maybe?) once said that traveling with you kids isn’t a “vacation”, it’s a “trip.” I kinda feel like kid-centered activities are the same.

I’ve also noticed that I get SUPER irritable when my ADHD isn’t well managed (fwiw). When it is we’ll managed, I’m more likely to enjoy activities and get less stressed about stuff like parking and food and mess.

[jinkies]

My H is often the one who takes the kids out to do something and leaves me home to do chores. Sometimes it's great. And sometimes I feel like the maid who was left behind while everyone else does something interesting.

It sounds like he was having a "maid" day, and you were having a rough parenting day, and you both needed a break.

I agree with others that I don't think there is a right or wrong here. Sorry it was a rough weekend.

[noodleoo]

Oh team you 100%!!! How often does he take the kids out for day alone? I love my kids, but honestly, I'd take a day at home alone to clean, organize, or do whatever I want once in a while. Spending that much time managing the kids alone is exhausting!

Whenever H and I have arguments like this I leave him alone with the kids for a day. He gets it very quickly after that.

ETA:  Also: don't feel guilty!  Kids are *exhausting*.  That being true doesn't negate the fact that you love them.

[CrazyLucky]

This one is tough. How old are your kids? When mine were little and we went camping, DH or I would take the kids to the park while the other packed up. because it was easier to work alone than try to work while the kids were there. So I think I'm team you in this scenario. I also like the feeling of accomplishment when I'm able to get something done, even if it is cleaning. Next weekend, let him take the kids to a "fun outing" while you do something at home. See if you both feel the same way.

[longtimenopost]

You're both right. There is no objective winner here. We've likely all been the parent who takes the kids out for a day and comes home exhausted and ready to hand them off. Many of us have probably also been the parent who gets the "alone time" at the house but is stressed out/filled with guilt trying to decide between relaxing or being productive and ends up not enjoying ourself at all.

To answer your overall question, yes kids are work and some are more work than others when it comes to new experiences, being in the world, accepting no as answer. If you have one or more of those, you have to be even more clear with your partner about your expectations and clear with yourself about what you need to maintain your mental health. (Maybe it's more me time, maybe it's spaced out activities, etc.) I've got one, and it takes work with her and my counselor to find ways to appreciate and enjoy her. It doesn't make you a bad parent to wish your kids were easier.

[loira]

I have 1 kid. If I take her out if the house for several hours, no matter what we do, I expect my H to take over the minute we're home. I don't care if he's been working or cleaning or what. I love my DD so much but I also feel like I need a tag team approach after a lot of time alone with her. H knows this and us generally pretty good about jumping in the second I get home but sometimes he has to finish something up and I am very impatient and it drives me insane.

[dontlook]

I always tell H that if I take all 3 out I’m getting some alone time later. I’ve started announcing this because we had some disagreements in the past. H knows taking the kids out is no picnic, even when you are doing something fun.

It comes down to perspective- I will always pick taking the kids out versus keeping them entertained at home. H will always come up with fun things to do at home versus taking them out. Maybe your H sees going out as easier and you see it as harder. It’s something to talk through and get some clarity around.

[mccallister84]

Jun 6, 2023 18:07:19 GMT -5 dontlook said:

I always tell H that if I take all 3 out I’m getting some alone time later. I’ve started announcing this because we had some disagreements in the past. H knows taking the kids out is no picnic, even when you are doing something fun.

It comes down to perspective- I will always pick taking the kids out versus keeping them entertained at home. H will always come up with fun things to do at home versus taking them out. Maybe your H sees going out as easier and you see it as harder. It’s something to talk through and get some clarity around.

I agree with this. I always say I am the “adventure mom” not the “imaginative play mom.” I will take those children basically anywhere on this earth before I would want to stay home and play. H feels the opposite.

I really think just being clear on hey I need a break makes a BIG difference.

[goldengirlz]

I disagree with the posters who say it’s about communication. Like if your H was out with the kids all day, wouldn’t you KNOW how hard that is? Couldn’t you just picture the mental effort that goes into wrangling two little ones?

One thing I’ll say about my H is that’s he’s spent more time solo parenting than I have. (I used to travel for work one week out of every four pre-covid.) He gets it.

Do we each have a different level of patience for various aspects of parenting? Absolutely. We also prefer doing different household chores. But that’s different.

On a tangent, it’s only now that my DC is nearly a teen that I think “fun” activities are actually fun. And it’s because I can actually focus on the activity without carrying the mental load of parenting — it’s the mental load that’s the “work” part.

[pittpurple]

There's no winners here - we tend to 'trade' the taking out and the staying home and accomplishing x over a few weeks. My husband tends to do more outdoorsy stuff with them (they go hiking and such) and I do more 'experiences and events' - so concerts etc. It all gets much easier as they get older and as I lower expectations (that day sounds really long and very tiring so I wouldn't have even attempted all of that on one day) but it's important for both of us to have time alone a couple times over the month.

[konapoppy]

In our household the one staying home in this case had the break. If it was something like taking the kids to the trampoline park, then there might be more room for consternation (light parenting) but honestly the one who took them out would still be “off duty” for a bit.

Maybe he just wanted to be invited?

Also, maybe I am thinking about this in the wrong way, but wouldn’t it be more effective to clean while the kids are home so there is rest when they are gone? I know that isn’t always possible, but I am trying to imagine cleaning for that long while you were out.