My mom leaving my dad, who sounds a lot like your H, was one of the best things she ever could have done for us. She taught us that not all abuse is physical but all abuse is a deal breaker in a relationship and set my siblings and I up to recognize healthy relationships. We also finally lived in a home where we didn’t have to walk on eggshells all the time.
The thing is, people usually don't say "I want a divorce" out of nowhere. This usually happens after months if not years of being unhappy in the relationship. Which is what he might not understand. To him, it sounds like this is a decision you just came up with when in fact, you've been thinking about it for a long time. Right now, he is where you are when you first thought about a divorce. He is way behind you in this process. You made a decision. I don't htink 3 months will change your mind. Trust your gut and don't let him doubt yourself.
Post by DefenseAgainstTheDarkArts22 on Jun 9, 2023 14:40:46 GMT -5
Can you think forward to what all would need to change for you to be happy in the relationship? Maybe work backwards from there on all the steps to get there and if you think those steps are ones that he will be able to take.
For example, I'd say that with the fight situation, I could take that out to "Feel completely comfortable in social situations that it won't turn into something". For it to get there, in my mind, that would be repeated exposure and assurance that you won't need to jump at the slightest previous trigger. From his side to get there, probably therapy, at least a few times of proof for you before you can relax. From your side, what would you need to see to not have that immediate reaction anymore?
Thinking about you, OP. I hope you are able to find peace with whichever decision you make. I know how much strength it must have taken to just get the words out that you wanted a divorce.
And re:giving up. You aren’t giving up on your marriage. You are giving up on a toxic relationship and unhealthy environment for your family. That’s pretty awesome gift to give your children.
Post by amandakisser on Jun 10, 2023 18:10:22 GMT -5
I was in your shoes - I just filed for divorce at the beginning of March, and he finally moved out about a month ago. The past month has been the most peaceful month of my entire adult life (we started dating when I was 20).
When I finally filed after YEARS of begging for change, he was "blindsided," and swore up and down that he would change. The thing is...he would ALWAYS change for a week or two when I would tell him I wanted out, and then he'd slide right back into his old habits.
The only time he would step up and be a good partner was when I threatened to leave. Because then allllll of the shit I did for him would go away, not because he loved me and wanted me to be happy and wanted to ease my burden. Change was only considered when HIS life was upended. Never EVER was it considered when it would have made my life a little easier.
So I want you to think about that - is anything he is doing really for the betterment of your mental health and marriage, or is he just trying to do what he can to keep his current lifestyle.
HUGE hugs. Feel free to PM me if you need to vent. I was always a person who kept everything close to my chest, and my health has suffered from the stress. So don't feel bad about finding people to lean on. My friends have totally stepped up to the challenge and I feel more loved now than I EVER felt from my soon-to-be-ex husband.