Can you get a call with your lawyer sooner? This would irritate me so much that waiting another 3+ weeks would be painful.
I like the idea of being able to say “I am doing xyz unless I hear from you by end of day”, but I would want confirmation from my lawyer that I could do that. I worry about him claiming he never received the communication and them retaliating with their own lawyer.
So, I've tried this and he either ignores my email completely or loses his shit on me for trying to make a decision that he's not aligned with.
Example of ignoring my email: I email him without cc'ing his wife, to request swapping some parenting days to accomodate my upcoming business travel. Ignored. When I follow up, I'm told to copy his wife otherwise he will not respond.
Example of losing his shit: I email him to say I'm going to go ahead and fill the rx for our son's ADHD medication, since he's been diagnosed and the same medication has worked wonders for our DD. (ExH and new wife are categorically against medicating, which is funny because ExH was totally fine with treating our DD's ADHD with medication before new wife entered the picture). ExH blows up my phone with messages saying he's not in agreement with medicating and I cannot pursue it without his agreement, etc. True....I cannot. So I'm in a bit of a bind.
Will see about getting in earlier with the lawyer. When I called back in May they booked me like 2 months out
The wording suggested around a non-response = agreement is pretty common at my job, we call it negative consent.
The trouble is, the things I'm messaging him about generally need his response because they're things like asking him to swap some parenting days with me to accommodate my business travel. So it's like he holds me hostage until I communicate through the format of his choosing.
Would you have a meal with him and every now and then post-divorce and pre-second marriage?
I’m trying to get a feel for how much he has changed and what your relationship was like before wife came on the scene. If he has truly changed 180 degrees, I’d be worried about him.
Can you get a call with your lawyer sooner? This would irritate me so much that waiting another 3+ weeks would be painful.
I like the idea of being able to say “I am doing xyz unless I hear from you by end of day”, but I would want confirmation from my lawyer that I could do that. I worry about him claiming he never received the communication and them retaliating with their own lawyer.
So, I've tried this and he either ignores my email completely or loses his shit on me for trying to make a decision that he's not aligned with.
Example of ignoring my email: I email him without cc'ing his wife, to request swapping some parenting days to accomodate my upcoming business travel. Ignored. When I follow up, I'm told to copy his wife otherwise he will not respond.
Example of losing his shit: I email him to say I'm going to go ahead and fill the rx for our son's ADHD medication, since he's been diagnosed and the same medication has worked wonders for our DD. (ExH and new wife are categorically against medicating, which is funny because ExH was totally fine with treating our DD's ADHD with medication before new wife entered the picture). ExH blows up my phone with messages saying he's not in agreement with medicating and I cannot pursue it without his agreement, etc. True....I cannot. So I'm in a bit of a bind.
Will see about getting in earlier with the lawyer. When I called back in May they booked me like 2 months out
DD is medicated, but he won't allow it for your DS?? I'm a step-mom and no way would I even want to be included on every exchange. I'm sorry and irate for you!
Can you get a call with your lawyer sooner? This would irritate me so much that waiting another 3+ weeks would be painful.
I like the idea of being able to say “I am doing xyz unless I hear from you by end of day”, but I would want confirmation from my lawyer that I could do that. I worry about him claiming he never received the communication and them retaliating with their own lawyer.
So, I've tried this and he either ignores my email completely or loses his shit on me for trying to make a decision that he's not aligned with.
Example of ignoring my email: I email him without cc'ing his wife, to request swapping some parenting days to accomodate my upcoming business travel. Ignored. When I follow up, I'm told to copy his wife otherwise he will not respond.
Example of losing his shit: I email him to say I'm going to go ahead and fill the rx for our son's ADHD medication, since he's been diagnosed and the same medication has worked wonders for our DD. (ExH and new wife are categorically against medicating, which is funny because ExH was totally fine with treating our DD's ADHD with medication before new wife entered the picture). ExH blows up my phone with messages saying he's not in agreement with medicating and I cannot pursue it without his agreement, etc. True....I cannot. So I'm in a bit of a bind.
Will see about getting in earlier with the lawyer. When I called back in May they booked me like 2 months out
What would happen if you respond, "Susie is not a legal guardian of our children. It is up to you, not me, to keep her informed." Like what would his response be to that?
I'd attach the custody paperwork and say you are not required to email her. This is our agreement. Please respond accordingly to any and all requests as outlined in our agreement.
Post by AdaraMarie on Jun 16, 2023 11:14:25 GMT -5
That all totally sucks. I would suspect it has to do with her coparenting relationship with her x. Does your x have first right of refusal for overnights? What worked for me when my x was a nightmare (the entire time he was with his second wife surprise surprise) was to assume he would never help with anything ever. It sucked for the kids, and it kept my dd from getting medicated for her issues for a while, but it helped me to have realistic expectations. So instead of Asking for swapping days, it would be...hey I have to go out of town would you be agreeable to swapping these specific days, if I don't hear from you in the next 2 days I will find alternate care. I had to only communicate by email with him it else it would be "I never said that" all the time. I never communicated with his new wife but it was obvious his actions were motivated by trying to make her think I was crazy and he was a perfect dad.
Do you have to ask him to switch to cover your travel days? Like is it legally required? Do you have other help? Honestly, I’d stop asking him if he won’t respond and I’d have someone else watch the kids.
Basically I would try to never message him if he expects the new wife to be included.
Stop emailing and texting him and call him for everything.
Email and text are passive communication styles that can quickly: quickly switch over to aggressive and controlling as seen here.
Calling and speaking in person allow for important human communication techniques like listening, tone of voice etc to be inserted back into the conversation and bring it back to assertive and a me=you level rather than me/you (aggressive) or you/me (passive).
The wording suggested around a non-response = agreement is pretty common at my job, we call it negative consent.
The trouble is, the things I'm messaging him about generally need his response because they're things like asking him to swap some parenting days with me to accommodate my business travel. So it's like he holds me hostage until I communicate through the format of his choosing.
Ugh that sucks. I don't care if he was a "good guy" before you split, he is being a manipulative ass hat now.
Do you have read receipts on for e-mails and text? If not I would turn that on going forward so you can copy the receipt in any follow ups. "Hi ExDouche, I received confirmation that you opened my message from 6/1/23 at 12:30 PM. At this time I have not received your response and will proceed with xyz."
Unless you have language in your agreement that stipulates how to handle when one parent is unavailable during their parenting time, I would assume he is not available when he chooses not to respond.
I am sorry your co-parenting is suffering, it sounds like you should have been smooth sailing if it wasn't for his lack of spine and overstepping wife.
Stop emailing and texting him and call him for everything.
Email and text are passive communication styles that can quickly: quickly switch over to aggressive and controlling as seen here.
Calling and speaking in person allow for important human communication techniques like listening, tone of voice etc to be inserted back into the conversation and bring it back to assertive and a me=you level rather than me/you (aggressive) or you/me (passive).
Yeah, except you need a paper trail and proof of communication.
I’m a stepmom and my take is a little different on some of this.
We have a group text and I also prefer we communicate everything major through that, because if they text just each other my husband forgets to tell me and then I get screwed. Like my SD won’t eat peppers and I already meal planned and grocery shopped for stuffed peppers for 2 dinners this week, and since I’m not a monster I won’t serve them with her here. So now I’m running to the grocery store last minute. Or, my husband has to work late on a night that my stepkid has an activity, and now I need to cancel dinner with my friend to cover, and if I had known I could have planned. Yes my husband SHOULD tell me, but sometimes he gets caught up at work. So actually, swapping days occurs in her home too and it affects her life too, and I don’t think it’s unreasonable to run it by both of them. I assume he’s stopped responding when you message just him, because he’s so sick of asking you to include her.
If she’s nice to your kids, I’d just embrace involving her. If not, idk, I guess push back with the lawyer? But conflict with the ex wife is not going to make her treat your kids any nicer (I would never do this but it happens).
Regarding the not tolerating lateness and the other rudeness, that’s utter bullshit and I’d push back hard on that.
ETA to be clear, I don’t insist, or threaten, and my husband doesn’t ignore his ex if I’m not on the communication. I’m just quietly annoyed. She sounds like a LOT. I’m just saying, I can see why she wants to be included.
Honestly it sounds like the new wife is exerting some power and emotional abuse to your ex. My BIL went through something similar with his ex-wife and eventually the kids stopped coming over at all.
Because the truth was, she wanted all control, of him, of the kids, etc.
Post by pinkdutchtulips on Jun 16, 2023 12:28:07 GMT -5
I'm a quasi stepmom (J and I have been together 6y, since his son was 5) and I wisely stay out of parenting matters unless my input is asked for. L has a stepdad as well but most parenting communications are between J and his ex, sometimes w an email forwarded to me from him for again, my input on a certain situation.
I'm angry on your behalf ..especially over the 3 minutes late part OMG !!
Stop emailing and texting him and call him for everything.
Email and text are passive communication styles that can quickly: quickly switch over to aggressive and controlling as seen here.
Calling and speaking in person allow for important human communication techniques like listening, tone of voice etc to be inserted back into the conversation and bring it back to assertive and a me=you level rather than me/you (aggressive) or you/me (passive).
Yeah, except you need a paper trail and proof of communication.
You need documentation should things go sideways and you need to establish a pattern. A paper trail is the easiest way to accomplish this.
I’m a stepmom and my take is a little different on some of this.
We have a group text and I also prefer we communicate everything major through that, because if they text just each other my husband forgets to tell me and then I get screwed. Like my SD won’t eat peppers and I already meal planned and grocery shopped for stuffed peppers for 2 dinners this week, and since I’m not a monster I won’t serve them with her here. So now I’m running to the grocery store last minute. Or, my husband has to work late on a night that my stepkid has an activity, and now I need to cancel dinner with my friend to cover, and if I had known I could have planned. Yes my husband SHOULD tell me, but sometimes he gets caught up at work. So actually, swapping days occurs in her home too and it affects her life too, and I don’t think it’s unreasonable to run it by both of them. I assume he’s stopped responding when you message just him, because he’s so sick of asking you to include her.
If she’s nice to your kids, I’d just embrace involving her. If not, idk, I guess push back with the lawyer? But conflict with the ex wife is not going to make her treat your kids any nicer (I would never do this but it happens).
Regarding the not tolerating lateness and the other rudeness, that’s utter bullshit and I’d push back hard on that.
ETA to be clear, I don’t insist, or threaten, and my husband doesn’t ignore his ex if I’m not on the communication. I’m just quietly annoyed. She sounds like a LOT. I’m just saying, I can see why she wants to be included.
I think you make some valid points here. Blended families are sometimes hard to navigate because there are multiple things to consider. My stepson was a young teen when H and I married so we didn't have to navigate a ton of child care issues but we worked hard to keep communication lines that worked well for all involved.
New wife sounds like a lot and I'm not excusing that and I don't think she needs to be included on everything and ignoring if she doesn't is immature but I'd for sure include on things that could possibly impact her life.
Post by supertrooper1 on Jun 16, 2023 12:32:24 GMT -5
Can you use an app like Talking Parents to communicate instead of texting/emailing? Then if he wants her to see the communication, he can give her access to his account. I use Talking Parents as the only means of communication with my ex.
Stop emailing and texting him and call him for everything.
Email and text are passive communication styles that can quickly: quickly switch over to aggressive and controlling as seen here.
Calling and speaking in person allow for important human communication techniques like listening, tone of voice etc to be inserted back into the conversation and bring it back to assertive and a me=you level rather than me/you (aggressive) or you/me (passive).
I adamantly disagree with this advice. Honestly this gives very much a “you two should really try to get along” vibe. If you’ve never been in court to decent a decision in legal custody for the best interest of your child, to someone who is actively Counterparenting those decisions (which it sounds like he is) you really can’t understand this dynamic.
She needs documentation of these conversations or they never happened.
I’m a stepmom and my take is a little different on some of this.
We have a group text and I also prefer we communicate everything major through that, because if they text just each other my husband forgets to tell me and then I get screwed. Like my SD won’t eat peppers and I already meal planned and grocery shopped for stuffed peppers for 2 dinners this week, and since I’m not a monster I won’t serve them with her here. So now I’m running to the grocery store last minute. Or, my husband has to work late on a night that my stepkid has an activity, and now I need to cancel dinner with my friend to cover, and if I had known I could have planned. Yes my husband SHOULD tell me, but sometimes he gets caught up at work. So actually, swapping days occurs in her home too and it affects her life too, and I don’t think it’s unreasonable to run it by both of them. I assume he’s stopped responding when you message just him, because he’s so sick of asking you to include her.
If she’s nice to your kids, I’d just embrace involving her. If not, idk, I guess push back with the lawyer? But conflict with the ex wife is not going to make her treat your kids any nicer (I would never do this but it happens).
Regarding the not tolerating lateness and the other rudeness, that’s utter bullshit and I’d push back hard on that.
ETA to be clear, I don’t insist, or threaten, and my husband doesn’t ignore his ex if I’m not on the communication. I’m just quietly annoyed. She sounds like a LOT. I’m just saying, I can see why she wants to be included.
ETA again to play devil’s advocate. This woman married your husband and now shares her home with these kids who she is still getting to know. She has given up a LOT, because she loves him, and since you didn’t suggest she mistreats the kids I assume she’s trying hard there too. All she asks is that the ex wife include her on communication. And the ex wife refuses. Repeatedly, only contacts her ex. Your husband keeps asking the ex to include his new wife, and she won’t, so he’s stopped responding unless you’re added, and so then she goes and makes her own decisions rather than include you. It’s to the point that the ex wife is making time with her lawyer to insist on her right to push you out and keep you in the dark. Instead of just CCing you on the emails. How would YOU feel about the ex wife? You’d feel like she hates you and like you’re completely unwanted. When you’ve given up a huge chunk of your life to help raise her kids. That really does bring out the worst in people. All of a sudden being 3 minutes late feels like just another example of her selfishness and lack of consideration, and there’s a confrontation over it. Again I’m not condoning it, just saying- you’re refusing to integrate her into the family structure and that is for sure gonna bring you hostility back in your direction.
I have no advice, but the 3.5 minutes thing just gets me. Who is counting 30 seconds late? That's just like, clock drift in terms of lateness, or getting stuck behind an unexpected bus or garbage truck. They can GTFO with that.
I’m a stepmom and my take is a little different on some of this.
We have a group text and I also prefer we communicate everything major through that, because if they text just each other my husband forgets to tell me and then I get screwed. Like my SD won’t eat peppers and I already meal planned and grocery shopped for stuffed peppers for 2 dinners this week, and since I’m not a monster I won’t serve them with her here. So now I’m running to the grocery store last minute. Or, my husband has to work late on a night that my stepkid has an activity, and now I need to cancel dinner with my friend to cover, and if I had known I could have planned. Yes my husband SHOULD tell me, but sometimes he gets caught up at work. So actually, swapping days occurs in her home too and it affects her life too, and I don’t think it’s unreasonable to run it by both of them. I assume he’s stopped responding when you message just him, because he’s so sick of asking you to include her.
If she’s nice to your kids, I’d just embrace involving her. If not, idk, I guess push back with the lawyer? But conflict with the ex wife is not going to make her treat your kids any nicer (I would never do this but it happens).
Regarding the not tolerating lateness and the other rudeness, that’s utter bullshit and I’d push back hard on that.
ETA to be clear, I don’t insist, or threaten, and my husband doesn’t ignore his ex if I’m not on the communication. I’m just quietly annoyed. She sounds like a LOT. I’m just saying, I can see why she wants to be included.
ETA again to play devil’s advocate. This woman married your husband and now shares her home with these kids who she is still getting to know. She has given up a LOT, because she loves him, and since you didn’t suggest she mistreats the kids I assume she’s trying hard there too. All she asks is that the ex wife include her on communication. And the ex wife refuses. Repeatedly, only contacts her ex. Your husband keeps asking the ex to include his new wife, and she won’t, so he’s stopped responding unless you’re added, and so then she goes and makes her own decisions rather than include you. It’s to the point that the ex wife is making time with her lawyer to insist on her right to push you out and keep you in the dark. Instead of just CCing you on the emails. How would YOU feel about the ex wife? You’d feel like she hates you and like you’re completely unwanted. When you’ve given up a huge chunk of your life to help raise her kids. That really does bring out the worst in people. All of a sudden being 3 minutes late feels like just another example of her selfishness and lack of consideration, and there’s a confrontation over it. Again I’m not condoning it, just saying- you’re refusing to integrate her into the family structure and that is for sure gonna bring you hostility back in your direction.
I agree with your first post, but not this one. You're making a TON of assumptions and possibly projecting.
Ok douche, go ahead and call it mud. My husband DID have halitosis. We addressed it after I talked to you girls on here and guess what? Years later, no problem. Mofongo, you're a cunt. Eat shit. ~anonnamus
ETA again to play devil’s advocate. This woman married your husband and now shares her home with these kids who she is still getting to know. She has given up a LOT, because she loves him, and since you didn’t suggest she mistreats the kids I assume she’s trying hard there too. All she asks is that the ex wife include her on communication. And the ex wife refuses. Repeatedly, only contacts her ex. Your husband keeps asking the ex to include his new wife, and she won’t, so he’s stopped responding unless you’re added, and so then she goes and makes her own decisions rather than include you. It’s to the point that the ex wife is making time with her lawyer to insist on her right to push you out and keep you in the dark. Instead of just CCing you on the emails. How would YOU feel about the ex wife? You’d feel like she hates you and like you’re completely unwanted. When you’ve given up a huge chunk of your life to help raise her kids. That really does bring out the worst in people. All of a sudden being 3 minutes late feels like just another example of her selfishness and lack of consideration, and there’s a confrontation over it. Again I’m not condoning it, just saying- you’re refusing to integrate her into the family structure and that is for sure gonna bring you hostility back in your direction.
I agree with your first post, but not this one. You're making a TON of assumptions and possibly projecting.
I’m not projecting. I have a great relationship with the ex and we both make a point to keep each other in the loop. The examples I gave above are few and far between these days. We both work hard to show appreciation of each other, and it goes a long way.
It’s more like the things people say in stepmother’s groups, and books about being a stepmother, and the like. When people refuse to communicate or be considerate of each other, things get ugly fast.
I agree with your first post, but not this one. You're making a TON of assumptions and possibly projecting.
I’m not projecting. I have a great relationship with the ex and we both make a point to keep each other in the loop. The examples I gave above are few and far between these days. We both work hard to show appreciation of each other, and it goes a long way.
It’s more like the things people say in stepmother’s groups, and books about being a stepmother, and the like. When people refuse to communicate or be considerate of each other, things get ugly fast.
But this view takes no consideration for the mother's perspective.
Ok douche, go ahead and call it mud. My husband DID have halitosis. We addressed it after I talked to you girls on here and guess what? Years later, no problem. Mofongo, you're a cunt. Eat shit. ~anonnamus
I’m not projecting. I have a great relationship with the ex and we both make a point to keep each other in the loop. The examples I gave above are few and far between these days. We both work hard to show appreciation of each other, and it goes a long way.
It’s more like the things people say in stepmother’s groups, and books about being a stepmother, and the like. When people refuse to communicate or be considerate of each other, things get ugly fast.
But this view takes no consideration for the mother's perspective.
I mean, my honest opinion is that it’s not too much of an ask to message in the group text or include her on the email, and in refusing to do so, the OP is throwing down just as much as they are. Everyone is being stubborn and not seeing the other person’s side.
But this view takes no consideration for the mother's perspective.
I mean, my honest opinion is that it’s not too much of an ask to message in the group text or include her on the email, and in refusing to do so, the OP is throwing down just as much as they are. Everyone is being stubborn and not seeing the other person’s side.
Because it is putting the mental burden on the mother to include the new wife. If dad wants to include his new wife then he can forward emails and text messages to her. It’s not her mental load to bear and honestly it’s BS that he expects her to be responsible for this. It’s his wife. Not hers.
Post by Patsy Baloney on Jun 16, 2023 13:26:40 GMT -5
It also seems like this communication preference is being used to shift co-parenting into a trio, and it does not seem like that is desired or needed or legally established in any way.
I would balk at adding the step mom to my comms in this case as well. It sounds like stepmom has more voice/control than she should or the mother wants. I bristled when she described her as having (or trying to have) equal voice in parenting decisions. Her voice should be through her H.
If I was being asked to utilize a group chat to communicate a drop-off time or change in schedule, sure. No issue. That has an effect on everyone’s day-to-day activities. But I don’t think I would include her on emails about ADHD medication, etc.
I mean, my honest opinion is that it’s not too much of an ask to message in the group text or include her on the email, and in refusing to do so, the OP is throwing down just as much as they are. Everyone is being stubborn and not seeing the other person’s side.
Because it is putting the mental burden on the mother to include the new wife. If dad wants to include his new wife then he can forward emails and text messages to her. It’s not her mental load to bear and honestly it’s BS that he expects her to be responsible for this. It’s his wife. Not hers.
That’s one way to look at it, but I think they will all do better when they can admit that they are all on the same team, with a shared common goal of raising these children with the least possible unnecessary conflict.
Because it is putting the mental burden on the mother to include the new wife. If dad wants to include his new wife then he can forward emails and text messages to her. It’s not her mental load to bear and honestly it’s BS that he expects her to be responsible for this. It’s his wife. Not hers.
That’s one way to look at it, but I think they will all do better when they can admit that they are all on the same team, with a shared common goal of raising these children with the least possible unnecessary conflict.
I think that went out the window when they were upset she was late 3.5 minutes lol