Young Teen Phone/Social

[circa1978]

DS just turned 12 and is out in the world meeting summer friends and he doesn't have a phone or social accounts right now. He does have an email address and uses his dad's phone for the a group chat with his friends (who also do not have phones). How do your 11/12/13 YOs touch base with friends?

[waverly]

I am against social media, unfettered game access (problems in the past), and unfettered internet use. So an iPhone was out of the question for us. Also the issue is that DS has executive function issues, and would lose the phone.

So I got a Gabb Phone because it was free. The monthly payment is on the higher side. He already left his phone outside overnight, so again grateful it is not an iPhone.

Group texting doesn't really work, and he can't send/ receive pictures. For the social aspect, I wonder if he is missing out on the group texts. BUT, group texting can also be fodder for bullying and inappropriate conversations.

If you are looking for a tween friendly phone, your other options are Pinwheel, Troomi, and Bark.

I think Iphone has increased parental controls, but IMO they were very easy to get around.  That might have changed lately, but just MO.  

[cjcouple]

My oldest at that age used his own cell phone. No social media until age 13 at which point he started on Snap and IG.

My youngest is almost 14 and uses text/discord mostly.

Both are/were monitored. My oldest (16) doesn't post at all. He just "likes" stuff and is tagged.

My 13yo just texts and doesn't even use Snap or IG.

[jinkies]

My DD has her own phone now but before that she used an ipad on wifi when home. She had an apple id that allowed her to be part of group chats with other apple users. The iPad didn't leave the house (and wouldn't have worked off of wifi, we didn't have a data plan for it), so there wasn't an issue with it getting lost.

She also still has a couple friends that communicate through Facebook Kids messenger.

She doesn't have an social media and won't for the foreseeable future.

[ohgillian]

My kids can connect via messenger kids on their iPads, though my 12 YO prefers not to. I recently told him that I would help him set up texting with another 12 year old friend of his just via the regular texting app, but he wasn’t interested.

[shortstax]

Same as @ohgilian over here. We did just activate an iphone SE on Stratight Talk Wireess ($45/mo) to use as basicay a landline and then he can take it with him on rare occasions. So far he's only used it once (when he went to an amusement park with his church group.)

It helps that he knows it's not "his" phone, but basically--it is when we need it to be. I figured this would be a good way to wade into him being connected. My first option was for a Gabb watch (or something like it) but he didn't want to wear a watch and we honesty thought he'd forget it 90% of the time.

[gardengal]

I vote “own phone” but the reality of the phone is that it’s an old android phone with a cracked screen that is not his but he can use (my H & I have our own phones). He’s not allowed to download anything & must take it when he’s free ranging in a thin Fanny pack (like for runners) so it doesn’t fall out of pocket or he puts it somewhere. And, when home, it lives in the charging station.

So he has a phone but it’s not his to use however he want(which would be to play games all the time)

Eta: and we are a no for social media. Gonna try to hold out until at least 16. Will bribe if necessary

[devonpow]

My 11 year old has a gabb watch and Facebook kids messenger. My 16 year old got a phone at 12 and social media at 13. I regret this a lot (this was during Covid so he needed it, but still) and will have DS2 wait longer for a phone and waaay longer for social media. I encourage everyone to wait as long as they can.

[IrishBelle]

DD2 is 12 and she got her first phone for her birthday. Talk and text only with no data. Most of her friends don’t have phones so they use Facebook messenger to talk or video cal

Prior to having her own phone, she used an old iPhone that we had but it wasn’t hooked up so it functioned like an iPod.

[lucybrown]

I chose something else.

My almost 12 yo has been using a Gizmo and an old iphone on wifi only. They also used email and FB messenger. These were fine for awhile, but aren't really working anymore. If I had known the limitations of the Gizmo, I would purchased a dumb phone instead. They can't really communicate with anyone other than H and I. I'm tired of friend texts coming through my phone. They used FB messenger and email for awhile, but I'm not on FB anymore and email doesn't work when they're out of the house. As they gain independence to bike and wander with friends, I want them to be able to communicate with friends they're meeting up with.

H and I were really against a phone at this age, but have completely changed our minds. Fostering independence and DC being able to communicate with their close friends/peer support is a high priority for us. We're going to upgrade them to an iphone on our plan soon. The cost is basically the same as we're paying now and I'll buy a cheap or used iphone. It'll be very locked down, but since I'm already comfortable with the Apple parental controls, this seems best for our family in the longer term.

ETA: social media is a hard no.  We will hold out on this one as long as possible.  The wifi-only iPhone is very restricted and requires permission for almost everything.  We'll keep the same controls on the new phone. 

[penguingrrl]

I found that by the end of 5th grade my older two were being accidentally excluded from plans with friends because friends only contacted each other directly and parents were out of the planning, so they got phones then. Usually it was plans that developed organically in group chats to meet up on bikes. We monitor the phones very carefully through middle school then have gotten more hands off as high school progressed. We didn’t allow social media until high school, and then coaches and such were using insta to contact kids about things so we had to allow it.

[twilightmv]

We just got my 11 year old an iPhone, honestly one consideration was that it was just easier than trying to learn a new phone type and plan. He already had an iPad anyway so we’re already used to the parental controls. He doesn’t bring it to school this year but will next year, and doesn’t even use it too much yet. I wanted him to have one so I could give him more freedom to go to the park, friends houses, etc. He doesn’t want social media but does connect with his friends on Roblox and discord. I told him no friends on either platform that he doesn’t know in real life.

[raleighnc]

Mine have phones, but they aren't allowed to give out their numbers and I blocked texting until my older daughter needed to text me regularly. They have messenger kids, but all their messages show up on my phone too. I use Google family link to control all apps and websites on their phones and Chromebooks. They don't have social media. I check their histories and usage and when my younger daughter got a text from a friend, I was the mean mom who told the friend that dd wasn't allowed to give out her number and I blocked her. (DD is super literal and when her friend gave DD her phone number, DD didn't realize that by texting her friend, friend would have her number. So I had to clarify that she wasn't allowed to text or call friends either.)

I mostly just don't want to deal with annoying 10yos because they will freaking call again and again if you decline the call or don't answer the text. I guess not having landlines, they don't understand phone manners. DD has serious ADHD and has no time to mess around after school on a phone. She barely gets homework and dinner done before bed.

They constantly complain about Family Link, so I guess it mostly works.

[jinkies]

Jun 16, 2023 11:56:03 GMT -5 penguingrrl said:

I found that by the end of 5th grade my older two were being accidentally excluded from plans with friends because friends only contacted each other directly and parents were out of the planning, so they got phones then. Usually it was plans that developed organically in group chats to meet up on bikes. We monitor the phones very carefully through middle school then have gotten more hands off as high school progressed. We didn’t allow social media until high school, and then coaches and such were using insta to contact kids about things so we had to allow it.

Yes this. Although I will say that having an apple id is probably sufficient (phone not necessarily needed). But my son was left behind around 5th grade because we are an android family so he was cut out of group chats. Even once he got a (Samsung) phone, he still wasn't integrated because the chat was among apple users and they couldn't add an android. 

We got my daughter an iphone for this reason. At this age, I monitor basically in real time (it mirrors to our ipad, which sits on my desk).

[abs]

DD is 12 and has her own phone. It was a slow process. Originally it was the house phone meant to be used for emergencies only (this was during Covid when we started leaving her at home earlier than I wanted to) but she still mostly used messenger on her iPad (until everyone basically stopped using it in 5th grade). She proved herself to be pretty responsible with it so we gave her ownership of that phone last summer and upgraded it right before school started.

Honestly? No regrets. I'm sure it's personality dependent but never once have I said oh we gave her a phone too soon. We have rules on it but letting her have her own phone has really opened up her social opportunities. She is very careful about who she gives her number to, immediately removes herself from any group chats where she doesn't know everyone, and she mostly uses it for planning things with her close friends. It's been great that they can just plan and no longer have to go through parents. She has seen/talked to her friends so much more this way!

No social media though. DD really wants IG (just so she can follow her favorite baseball players) and I told her when she turns 13 we will discuss.

[penguingrrl]

Jun 16, 2023 12:02:33 GMT -5 jinkies said:

Jun 16, 2023 11:56:03 GMT -5 penguingrrl said:

I found that by the end of 5th grade my older two were being accidentally excluded from plans with friends because friends only contacted each other directly and parents were out of the planning, so they got phones then. Usually it was plans that developed organically in group chats to meet up on bikes. We monitor the phones very carefully through middle school then have gotten more hands off as high school progressed. We didn’t allow social media until high school, and then coaches and such were using insta to contact kids about things so we had to allow it.

Yes this. Although I will say that having an apple id is probably sufficient (phone not necessarily needed). But my son was left behind around 5th grade because we are an android family so he was cut out of group chats. Even once he got a (Samsung) phone, he still wasn't integrated because the chat was among apple users and they couldn't add an android. 

We got my daughter an iphone for this reason. At this age, I monitor basically in real time (it mirrors to our ipad, which sits on my desk).

Yup, that was our experience too. And my kid definitely complained about having to start new chats in order to add or delete android users when apple users could just be integrated in. We didn’t have any iPads in our house, so couldn’t give our kids access through that, but also wanted the phones so we could use find my friend to keep an eye on them and make sure they were where they said they would be (amazingly they were!).

I was glad they had phones with them because the plans constantly morphed. I saw a ton of texts of “meet up at the gazebo” “no, wait, now we’re at the firehouse” etc as kids were meeting up, so not having a phone would have made it really hard.

My son is starting 5th and got a phone this year because he was biking or walking home alone most days and it let me keep an eye on him and let him know if after school plans changed (like today, when a storm popped up so I picked him up from school). He doesn’t have friends numbers yet, but we’ll keep an eye and if it seems like he’s missing out on stuff in the next year then we’ll reconsider, like we did for the older two. No social media of any sort before HS, which wasn’t a problem for the other two.

[jaylea]

Mine has an iPhone. He doesn’t have social media, but he does text to make plans. It works fine,!8 check his phone regularly, it is downstairs with us for charging before bedtime, and he’s done well with it.

[liverandonions]

I said Social Media because she has text and messenger kids on her ipad. She's 10.

[DotAndBuzz]

My now 12 year old got a phone during covid. she had been using an iPad to chat with friends, but she was out and about on bikes in the neighborhood, and at age 9, we wanted her to be able to call us/see where she was, since covid basically turned her and her neighborhood friend group into a tween-girl biker gang, who roamed our streets all day, lol. Older daughter didn't get a phone till age 11, and it was locked out of everything but phone and text. New apps had to get our permission to download, via password request sent to our phones. We'd let her on safari for very limited amounts of time, and only for specific sites. Like, she'd have to physically ask if we would unlock safari, again, via passcode, and we could then limit the time even from there.
We opened it up a bit in middle school, and now that she's in high school, it's even more open, and I rarely monitor it. We don't use Bark, or any of that. May sign up for Life360 when my 15 year old gets her license in Feb, but we'll see.

The group text thing is so messy, but it's also something they do need to figure out and learn about. I don't know that it's necessarily productive to just forbid it, and then expect them to understand how these things work when they do get access to it. We've taken the approach to be really forthcoming and blunt about what can go down in group texts, and how it can reflect on you, even if you aren't participating, etc. They've each experienced some drama in the ridiculously large group texts that kids that age like to have, and have learned from it. And at that age, kids won't necessarily believe what you tell them (because they're 12, and know everything), so the experience part is a key piece to making it click in their brain.

HOWEVER. This all depends heavily on the kid. Responsibility and maturity varies widely at age 12, so I think it depends on how you think he could handle it, and how receptive he would be to the rules/advice about certain situations. But summer is a good time to feel it out, IMO, because there isn't the school responsibility piece to work in.

[DotAndBuzz]

OH. The one thing we have held firm on is social media. Nothing till age 13. No instagram, TikTok, snapchat, none of that. When they turned 13, we allowed snapchat and insta. Still hard no on Tik Tok.
The other hard rule was no communication of any kind, including playing online games, with someone that you don't know IN PERSON. This also applies to snapchat and instagram friends. If it's a friend of a friend, that's fine, as long as that friend has seen the 3rd party in actual human form. No one that's an "online friend." That made them get left out of a few online games/chats, but they survived. And it's still a firm rule. But this again comes down to the kid. By some miracle, they're both rule followers, and actually have to me and asked if they could do XYZ, with this person no one actually knew, and I said no. And she ASKED AGAIN when the situation came up AGAIN. So I trust that she is following the rules. Younger one is wholly uninterested in online gaming, and is under 13, so no social for her yet.

But if you don't know if your kid would necessarily ask, or may try to sneak around the rules, you may need to take a different approach, you know?

[InBetweenDays]

Both of our kids got a phone at 12. We bought them a cheap android (because H and I both have androids) and when they wanted an iPhone they had to buy it themself. They got social media (Instagram and later SnapChat) at 13.

Like a PP, I don't have any regrets getting them phones. I know it can really vary, but both kids have been pretty darn responsible with them. We still have restrictions on DS' phone (he's 14) but not DD (almost 17). We all have Life360 which is nice because DS is about and about roaming with friends a lot.

[goldengirlz]

I’m in the no phone camp but DC does have a smartwatch with cellular so they can text with their friends. They also have Discord on the iPad.

[circa1978]

OK, this is good info to have. DH probably needs to upgrade his iPhone so maybe we look at that with no data.

[mrsGreeko]

I have 2 older kids who had their own phones when they were 11ish. Honestly, I have major regrets. We even gave the older one an old flip phone rather than an iPhone initially. And I blocked all social media on their phones (so my oldest got herself a burner phone from a friend with unfettered access).

Anyway, my youngest DS is now 11.5. He has no phone and I don’t really see the need for him to have one yet. His friends call my phone or our landline. He calls friends from our landline. Or more often they just walk/bike to each others houses to see if they can hang out. Some of his friends already have phones. He wants one, but after watching what it does to kids with his sisters, I’m okay with waiting. Might consider an Apple Watch only at some point in middle school, but am going to try to hold off on phone until high school. I think they are that damaging.

[dochas]

Mine has a phone and a samsung watch that works independently of the phone. During the school year he never took the phone with him. He'll use the phone in the house sometimes but he still doesn't want to carry it so just goes out with the watch. No social media.

[gretchenindisguise]

Before l had a phone, it was fb messenger kids on a tablet.

A uses that and his Gizmo watch to talk with friends.

[dochas]

Adding, son is 12. He also is blocked from adding apps without me approving. His friends mostly talk through gaming online. I don't know if he's had any group text. His friends don't seem to understand that phones cam be used for actual communication? How bad things get depends I think. He got the watch/phone during this school year (6th grade) and there hasn't been any problems. I became friends with the mom of one of his friends. The second her daughter got a phone it became a problem, and they're in the same class! Group texts run amok, kids trying to text in the middle of the night. She shut it all down completely. Boundaries can be redrawn and I think we all just have to monitor and adjust as needed.

[zaneyzoo]

11 DD has an apple watch SE w/cell so she can call and text. She does have an ipad as well that she can do messenger kids. We have reluctantly let her get snapchat since it is legit the only way her friends communicate. We made her go a while without it and she was missing out. We monitor it.

our almost 9 DD also has an apple watch with cell for the same purpose. They both had gizmos, which were great until they weren't.

We struggle with balancing the protecting them vs helping them navigate the responsibilities of having it.

It's hard

[jaylea]

Also, just a plea to anyone who doesn’t allow cell phones - own it.

I heard a mom on my son’s soccer team saying that she tells her kid he doesn’t need a phone because the only kids who have phones are the ones whose parents are divorced and I was really grossed out at the whole “othering” thing that happened there, as well as pawning off her decision.

I just wanted to complain about that, really. Because it irked me.

[eb777888]

David's 14 and has had a phone for awhile. Smooth sailing so far. NONE of his friends are on/into social media, absolutely zero interest. His cousins are all on it, so it's not a Gen Z thing, but it's weird. And easy for me.