Kids and THE sex talk

[Bernadine]

How old was your kid when they found out about actual p in v sex? And how did you describe sex so it’s LGBT inclusive?

Dd is only 7, so I think I have a while.

[charlatti]

I have a very bookish kid, so I started checking out Robie Harris books at the library around third grade, I think? This book is a great age appropriate conversation starter: www.amazon.com/Its-Not-Stork-Families-Friends/dp/0763633313 If I’m remembering right, it has limited LGBT info but again, enough to start the conversation.

[starburst604]

DD turned 8 in May and I think it was right before that. She said that she knew babies grow in their moms bellies, but she wanted to know how they got there. A friend had given me the book It's Not The Stork, so we got that out and read it together. It starts with explaining the differences in bodies and how the parts work, the reproductive systems and then how that all comes together to conceive a child. The book also talks about how not all families come to be by man/woman/sex, that some are by adoption, some families have parents of the same sex, some have stepparents etc. I can't remember if it touched on infertility but we talked some about that since I had an IUI to have her. There were more chapters but we stopped there, I didn't want to throw too much at her all at once. I also told her that this information isn't for her to share with other kids, they should learn it from their parents. 

She already knows kids with same sex parents so that wasn't new info to her. As far as if/how those couples HAVE sex I think is a different conversation that can happen if she asks. 

[starburst604]

Also just want to say good for you for thinking ahead on this. I was glad to be prepared and not have to think about the right way to explain things. I also have been so surprised that several moms of her peers that I mentioned the conversation to said they didn't tell their kids the truth if they asked. Told them things like "God put you in my belly". Oooooookkkkkkkk.

[Jalapeñomel]

Well I was pregnant when my son was 7 going on 8, so we told him how it happened. We also talked about how non-hetero couples have babies since I went through IF treatments for years.

But I know we had the discussion before just more in an abstract manner (especially since I teach science).

We’ve been very frank with our bodies and bodily functions so it doesn’t seem taboo or weird in any way. And we’ve been talking about it since he noticed he had a penis and I did not.

[chilerellanos]

My kids are between 17-24, and so I cannot remember exactly when.

But I’m a labor and delivery nurse, and so I think based on what I do as a job, and that my kids were really smart, and I try to be open and honest, prob pretty young.

I have them as much info as they needed and expanded as they matured.

[mccallister84]

Oh young. Like maybe 4? I don’t actually remember. Our approach has always been to answer the question they asked. So at some point they asked how babies are made and we talked about the sperm and the egg. Then they eventually asked how the sperm and the egg got together and we talked about intercourse. We got the book it’s not the stork then.

We haven’t discussed sex beyond procreation yet and they are 6 and 5.

They are very aware that couples do not need to be male/female and again that’s something we’ve hammered home for ever.

We tell them often that we will answer any question they ask but that some things are only conversations for family at home.

[felicity]

I was pregnant when DS was 7 so we talked about sperm and eggs but he didn’t really ask how they came together so I didn’t offer it up. At 8 one night before bed he was like, but HOW?!? So I just told him matter of factly and he just made a face, said that’s gross, and said goodnight.

[starburst604]

felicity I was expecting DD to say something like that, I was surprised when she was just like oh ok I'm gonna go ride my bike now! I very much remember learning everything and thinking my mom and dad did that?! Gross!!

[arehopsveggies]

I answer questions as they are asked. But 8 yr old hasn’t asked yet? I just have him a puberty book that talked about the changes to his body, he giggled over the pictures and read it cover to cover multiple times. I guess i need another book for THE talk. He learns better by reading than listening, and so if I put it in the car he will read and ask questions better than if we try to sit down and talk about it.

[eb777888]

Jul 26, 2023 9:00:06 GMT -5 charlatti said:

I have a very bookish kid, so I started checking out Robie Harris books at the library around third grade, I think? This book is a great age appropriate conversation starter: www.amazon.com/Its-Not-Stork-Families-Friends/dp/0763633313 If I’m remembering right, it has limited LGBT info but again, enough to start the conversation.

This is what we started with. I think some moms recommended it to me from here, if I recall. It was our starting point. David was also about 7.

[DotAndBuzz]

I don’t remember, maybe 10ish? But I do know that I was deliberate to say the woman puts the man’s penis in her vagina, so that the woman is framed as the one in control of the situation.

[eb777888]

And David asked a lot of questions, A LOT, and I just answered them very straight forwardly. He still asks things at 14.

[circa1978]

So, be prepared to have it more than once because we had it fairly early but at different....stages in his development (he's now 12) we have addressed different finer points. But I think the first time around 7 or so.

[sonrisa]

‘Sex is a funny word’ has been recommended to us as inclusive. I never plan to have a ‘p in v’ centeric conversation. Neither when talking about how babies are made nor how people interact. It’s only one part of the equation.

[hermione]

There has not been one specific talk. It's ongoing. She's 10 and 4th grade was the year the school offered "life skills" so that's when the school introduced sex. Girls are starting periods younger and younger so we discussed that more completely the summer before 4th grade - so 9.

[mala]

Little Kid was born when Big Kid was 6, so that question came early for Big Kid. I don't think the "how did the baby get there in the first place" part didn't come about until after Little Kid was born, I don't remember that time very well. Big Kid did watch a lot of nature shows at that time, so she knew how babies are made in other mammals. She had surprisingly few questions other than just confirming what she thought, if I'm remembering correctly. Like others, the conversation has continued and evolved as she's grown.

[loira]

DD was asking at 4 or 5 years old, so we read It's Not The Stork. I think it was easier starting the conversation younger, although if she hadn't asked she would learn about it in school soon enough. Elements of the sex ed curriculum are taught as early as kindergarten here - I know for sure in kindergarten all the kids went through a program about consent.

[sugarbear1]

I feel like it's ongoing. I can't remember at what age we had the first P in V discussion, but I'm very open and very drank (and I teach MS sex ed). Now that DA1 is 13 I feel like there is a sex-related comment / discussion/ question several times a week.

[momof2]

I think it is a mistake to think “you have a while” at age 7. I would get some of the recommended books and at least read them yourself sooner rather than later. Your kid is likely going to start hearing allusions to all this at school, camp, etc sooner than you think. So, I would at least have some materials I was comfortable with ready to go.

I personally forced the issue with a couple of books before questions were being asked. But that is how I am. I don’t want my kid learning misinformation first if I can prevent that. I realize I am probably an outlier. And to be clear, I didn’t super focus on the issue. We just read the books together, I answered her questions and then left the books with her. I know she read them more times, because she came back with other stuff. Like she wanted a “practice thingy like they talk about in the book” which I finally managed to figure out was a training bra.

[simpsongal]

Agree that you probably should start talking now. By 3rd grade the kids are all talking and giggling about it. I prefer to be the first to tell my kids about things so they don't seem taboo and they know they can come to me for answers.

[ny96]

My kids are 10 and 6. I remember being nervous about “having the talk” when DS1 was about DS2’s age, and then over the last few years it’s come pretty naturally. We never actually had “the talk”. When the kids ask questions I answer then as openly and honestly as I can (given their age), just like every other topic they inquire about. I’ve not yet been asked about the specifics of sex, but I work for an LGBT organization with youth on the streets so I’m prepared to answer any questions that come my way. I’ve realized that if I’m open and available, my children will ask the questions they’re ready to have answers for and I’m not going to push any other information on them.

[Bernadine]

Jul 26, 2023 9:51:53 GMT -5 momof2 said:

I think it is a mistake to think “you have a while” at age 7. I would get some of the recommended books and at least read them yourself sooner rather than later. Your kid is likely going to start hearing allusions to all this at school, camp, etc sooner than you think. So, I would at least have some materials I was comfortable with ready to go.

I personally forced the issue with a couple of books before questions were being asked. But that is how I am. I don’t want my kid learning misinformation first if I can prevent that. I realize I am probably an outlier. And to be clear, I didn’t super focus on the issue. We just read the books together, I answered her questions and then left the books with her. I know she read them more times, because she came back with other stuff. Like she wanted a “practice thingy like they talk about in the book” which I finally managed to figure out was a training bra.

Thank you- I’m realizing this now! I couldn’t remember when I learned.

[mcsangel2]

So, I don't have kids, but this is my own experience. My mom never actually had this talk with me, but we had a book about it, for kids. They must have bought it when she was pregnant with me, when my sister and brother were 5 and 3. I remember the book being mostly pictures, kind of animation style, with very little text. I don't recall my mom ever reading it to me, but I remember looking at it from a very very young age, from before I could read. Consequently, I don't remember not knowing how babies were made. I do remember having some specific questions about labor and delivery when I was about 10 (my mom was a neonatal nurse), but not about how babies got there. Other stuff about the mechanics of sex, well. I'm probably like a lot of people my age and learned through gossip on the playground when I was middle school aged.

I always thought it seems sooooo much easier to deal with if you present the info like this, from a really really young age.

[devonpow]

Both were 7-8? Something around then. They start formal sex ed in 5th grade here so it was reenforced then.

I try to have a very open door policy about asking me about phrases etc they hear and don’t understand. I had to explain “tea bagging”, “spitting vs swallowing”, “doggie style” etc WAAAAAY earlier than I was expecting lol

[UMaineTeach]

I came thisclose to telling my preschooler that babies come out of vaginas. (I wasn’t ready to get into other ways). She flat out asked, how does the baby get out. I tried to deflect to usually a doctor helps. She was like, ok, but HOW does the doctor get it out.

But I didn’t know how H would feel about that and I don’t need other parents coming after me.

I was thinking, if she lived on a farm, she’d already know. And it’s something humans can do that may happen to her.

[smock]

Oh my kids definitely knew that babies come out of vaginas by preschool. As toddlers I would say "You grew in my tummy and then I pushed you out my vagina." They thought it was pretty funny.

Mr. Smock thought babies came out of butts as a kid, and I didn't want that misinformation passed on!

[pinkdutchtulips]

8-9 maybe .. not sure how it came up. I just had a very matter of fact chat w her. I didn't include same sex couples but in my house love is love whether its b/g, g/g, or b/b. 

Now that we're in the teen years, she and her friends talk and she knows if she has any questions, she can come to me. 

[gardengal]

We did the entire It’s Not the Stork series. They get more detailed as the books progress & do, iirc, include all forms of sex. Before I heard of the books, I’d just awkwardly say “All mammals have babies by the male penis entering female to release sperm to fertilize eggs. Humans are mammals too.” Obviously this doesn’t cover ALL the ways humans can make babies but it was how I started when surprised by a question. Definitely by age 7 so I don’t think it’s too early

My philosophy is early & often. If you start early & make it nbd then it’s not this Big Conversation That Is Awkward. We read the books at bedtimes, getting a new one as they aged up. By reading to them, we didn’t need to come up w words or make sure we remembered anything. And, we didn’t have to make eye contact unless there was a question. I also like having books bc besides letting them know they can ask us, especially as they become teens, having a reference source to independently look at was important to me.

Overall, it’s been so much less of A Thing than my parents strategy of sitting me down in 5th grade & giving me The Talk.

[mpm]

My 6yo is very interested in how bodies work and asks a lot of questions. So we have answered her questions in matter of fact terms. Just like she knows how food goes in your mouth, goes through the digestive system and waste becomes poop, she also knows the basics of how bodies change during puberty and when that happens. She knows about mammal vs amphibian reproduction. Our puppy being neutered recently was a great opportunity for more conversations, lol. Her BFF has two daddies and so we’ve addressed how families of all types can have children in different ways. I don’t think the biology behind it is inappropriate for any age. More detailed conversations about sex and relationships will come later. But I will not have my child thinking babies come from a stork or out of butts.