I am really sorry you are dealing with this. I hope your mom is doing okay. You’ve really had a lot on your plate for a long time. I do worry he is using this as a tactic to get you to stop expecting anything from him or pushing him to get help. It sounds horrible to say but it’s not uncommon. If it was me, the next time he says anything similar, I would call 911. I think that might be illuminating and if he goes, maybe he can get help. But he can’t keep holding you hostage like this. You seem like such a nice, creative and good person. You don’t deserve to live like this.
Post by mysteriouswife on Aug 1, 2023 9:30:19 GMT -5
Please find therapy for you and the two older children stat. You cannot force him to go. Hand him the information and let him do with it what he wants. Put all future plans on hold until you are safe.
I think you are amazing for the way you take care of everyone in your life. You are such a giving person. I say this with love, and I don't want to minimize a mental health crisis, but do you think he truly feels this way? My ex-MIL could never stand the spotlight not being on her. Any time we had something important to do with my side, she would call XH crying about how sick she is and she needs to go to the ER. There was never anything wrong.
Post by Patsy Baloney on Aug 1, 2023 9:33:18 GMT -5
I don’t want to be callous but from the outside looking in your life has always seemed to be one that would be better without having to manage your husband’s failure to launch, failure to be a partner, etc.
What he’s threatening and the inaction he has decided on are really beyond anything acceptable. You can’t manage his mental health for him.
What will it take for you to get your family to a safer, healthier place?
Outside of the mention of suicide, the part that stood out to me was that you were hoping for a "honeymoon phase" after Disney. He needs help but so do you. If you are hoping for brief periods of pleasantness, I am concerned for you. Please take care of you and yours.
I’m so sorry. You’ve gotten plenty of good advice from others and I don’t want to pile on. Please just make sure you’re taking care of yourself and your kids. You know we all only want the best for you!
Outside of the mention of suicide, the part that stood out to me was that you were hoping for a "honeymoon phase" after Disney. He needs help but so do you. If you are hoping for brief periods of pleasantness, I am concerned for you. Please take care of you and yours.
And not just you. Your teen daughter deserves both a better day to day life and a better example of what she should and shouldn't put up with in a relationship.
Post by wanderingback on Aug 1, 2023 9:53:49 GMT -5
It’s ok to leave, it’s ok even if someone has mental health problems. I feel for you and I feel for your kids since they are acutely aware of his behavior. It is not ok and you and your kids deserve a lot more.
ProfessorArtNerd, you have been such a rock for your family. You've been doing amazing things. I'm sorry he is manipulating you in this way because you and your kids don't deserve it. He needs help but he has to accept that help as well. You deserve so much better
Post by litskispeciality on Aug 1, 2023 10:10:31 GMT -5
I didn't want to read and not respond. I'm glad you can talk to someone, and I hope they can give you strategies. You've got some good advice here to think about exit strategies for yourself and your kids. Think of yourself and your kids safety first. Pardon my non-parent advice as well, but is there a way to have your kids not be alone with him as much when you need to take your mom? Trust me I can't imagine who you'd even contact, but I don't want you worrying about their safety when you're doing stuff for your mom. That or if you have other family who can take your mom (again easier said than done), so you and the kids can get away from him. Ugh, I'm so sorry. Sending you huge hugs.
I don’t mean to diminish mental health concerns. Serious thoughts and threats of suicide are terrifying. And obviously you know better than we do if this is something serious. But from the outside looking in - “Maybe I’ll just jump off a bridge” ? Really? That is not someone with a serious plan. He said it to deflect your anger and send you reeling so that you’re now fretting about his mental health instead of holding him accountable to be a contributing member of your household. As if you need one more thing to manage.
Outside of the mention of suicide, the part that stood out to me was that you were hoping for a "honeymoon phase" after Disney. He needs help but so do you. If you are hoping for brief periods of pleasantness, I am concerned for you. Please take care of you and yours.
And not just you. Your teen daughter deserves both a better day to day life and a better example of what she should and shouldn't put up with in a relationship.
I don't want to pile on either, but I worry about the trauma the kids are facing, and will deal with for the rest of their lives. OP and the kids deserve a much healthier environment both mentally and physically, even if it's without the husband/dad.
I am so sorry. Do you think there is any chance he would do in-patient care? I just wonder if something more intensive would benefit him as it seems this has been an on going issue for years.
You have so much on your plate right now, but it seems he is at a tipping point, you all are, where this has to be addressed.
I didn't want to read and not respond. But I don't have any advice other than to echo others that you need to prioritize yourself and your kids. I hate seeing you spend all your energy trying help someone who doesn't want to be helped.
Post by emilyinchile on Aug 1, 2023 10:46:10 GMT -5
Big hugs, lady. This is a lot, and everyone else has already said the important stuff like how this isn't your fault or your problem to fix, so I just wanted to add a bit of love.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. This may be a case of situational depression. But if he gets a new job soon and after the "newness" wears off, he may become depressed again. If so, gosh...I hope he changes his mind about medication for depression. I know it saved my life even though I was in denial leading up to it.
"Why would you ruin perfectly good peanuts by adding candy corn? That's like saying hey, I have these awesome nachos, guess I better add some dryer lint." - Nonny
Post by mysteriouswife on Aug 1, 2023 11:05:04 GMT -5
I’m not attempting to call anyone out so I will not quote.
Someone mentioned it’s bad he brought it up while your mom was dealing with health scare. I want to give a a story from the other side. It may have not been a manipulative tactic from him. The one more added stress may have become too much for him. I also think he has been in this situation since David was a baby. You are now well past that stage and have baby 3. He needs to take action and work on himself. No, it is no shape or form fair for him to do this while you have so much going on. He has options
I totally agree with sproctopus. Honestly, what struck me most from your post was this line "We really thought (Lucy and I) that it would be a bit of a honeymoon phase after we got back from Disney World. He was screaming and cursing as we got in the driveway."
That is an exhausting way to live. I've lived it. Hoping your "partner" is placated by something (an event, trip, etc) and will be less reactive, or whatever. Life does not have to be living event to event hoping something, anything, will be enough to get a reprieve from the behavior.
I'm so sorry you have to go through this its so mentally and physically draining. Your kids must be scared.
The only thing that can change this situation is you. You want to make it better? Make a change. This cycle has been going on for way too long. I can not repeat what the other ladies have said....YOU are not responsible for his choices. You can not make someone help themselves and honestly that boat has sailed. This is so unhealthy for you and the kids
Post by somersault72 on Aug 1, 2023 11:20:19 GMT -5
First huge hugs to you. I know he makes things so hard.
I can't remember a time where he's been a good partner to you. And if he's choosing not to get help for his mental illness that is DEFINITELY not being a good partner for you (or a good father). You cannot save him if he doesn't want to be saved, but you CAN save yourself and your kids from living this way, and I hope you're able to. You have a lot of people here (and I'm sure IRL too) rooting for you. <3
I don’t know your situation, but I’ve read enough to know there is abuse. Threatening suicide is another tactic on the control wheel. That doesn’t mean do not offer him help and support, but do think about the big picture here.
Stress does not give him the right to yell, scream, verbally abuse or otherwise terrify you or your children. There is no excuse. Full stop.
I think you have tried so hard and for so long to save him. I know it feels a bit strange here-- to be so worried and so invested in him but yet so overwhelmed keeping everything together for your family. He does need help. And when you're at the end you feel very little hope of things ever getting better and it feel like such a massive obstacle to overcome it can get in the way of seeing the purpose in finding help. All that said-- you are not responsible for saving him. You do not have to sink with his ship. You've thrown out the life raft. If he doesn't grab it, it doesn't mean you had a bad toss. There is nothing that you can do to make him get the help he needs to overcome this. You could make and take him to every appointment and if he doesn't engage and participate actively it will not be successful.
You don't have to drown. You can choose to bring yourself and your kids to a safer and more secure place. And that is not a selfish choice. ❤️
Quoting because this was so well put it deserves another read.
Sending you good thoughts. And feel free to lean on the board if you need help putting a plan into action. So many have been through this before and can essentially walk you through it.
You and your kids deserve better than this. I understand your H is stressed and struggling, but it is not you to take on his stress and fix him...he's the only one who can fix himself. You don't have to continue to stand by and support this person that is not willing to help themselves, let alone help as a partner or a father. I know when I left my XH there were times I was so scared that I wouldn't be able to do it on my own and take care of my kid, my home, my life, etc. but I found that it was so much easier to care for myself and my kid when I wasn't spending time and energy walking on eggshells and trying to take care of my XH and his responses on top of everything else.
You've been on this ride with your H for way too long and you deserve a life without the toxicity he brings. Your kids deserve to live without the screaming and cussing...you know they're all walking on eggshells as well. I hope you'll see that you've tried and you've done what you can, but it's time for you to put you and your kids first. Your H is an adult and needs to take responsibility for his actions, his emotions, and get help when he needs it...his problems are not your problems to solve.
Post by pinkdutchtulips on Aug 1, 2023 11:41:59 GMT -5
hugs, prayers, and guidance
I spent the better part of a decade trying to rein in a partner (bf then fi then husband) who didn't want to help himself. He'd go in cycles of working on himself and getting better but the behavior when he went off the rails would get worse with each cycle. It was a liberating day when I realized that I didn't have to be responsible for him OR his behavior. This was the final nail in our martial coffin. The next step was divorce.
It wasn't easy leaving and some of the old timers may remember the struggles I went through with him but in the decade since .... life has been alot better without that albatross around my neck. He was going to do what he wanted to do and there wasn't anything I could do to stop him.
This is all to let you know that it's OK to leave. This is let you know that the only person responsible for him is himself. Therapy was a godsend for me so absolutely pursue it.
Jesus, this is too much. You’ve gone so far above and beyond over the years, I really feel for you. He needs help, but you do too. It’s not all about him and he’s needed “all hands on deck” for him and him alone for years now.
I hope he can fix his shit. This is no way for anybody to live. You deserve better.
Post by litskispeciality on Aug 1, 2023 11:58:04 GMT -5
Coming back to the message that it doesn't give him (H) the right to yell, scream and take it out on his spouse or kids...I'm having a hard time thinking he didn't come back and apologize after losing it when the childcare got mixed up. Even if it took him a full day or two, he needs to be a responsible adult who goes "wow I was a true a$$hat and shouldn't have it on my wife about a childcare mix up". If the kids are older than say, 6 months, this can't be the first time childcare pick up or who's going to watch the kids went sideways. I also assume that OP had well communicated with H that OP was taking their mother to an apt to which they COULDN'T pick the kids up from childcare, and the H should understand that need after a pause. Not sure if his mom gave him crap offline or what, but it's not ok to OP or the kids.
I realize I'm giving too much grace to the H saying they even have time to cool off, but as a responsible adult at some point you have to see your bad behaviors and own them. If the person can't, or won't do that, then I worry about abuse and the safety of the rest of the family.
*ETA, sadly OP's going to continue to have more childcare issues with her mom's ongoing treatments. Again I worry about the plan, and OP's safety when an apt comes up day of and H can't handle having to watch his own kids, or finding care to take something off of OP's plate. OP might not have shared her mother's ongoing situation with the IL's, which will make this a lot harder when more care requests come through.