There’s nothing for me to add that hasn’t been said. I hope you read these messages with the care and concern FOR YOU that they are all intended. You deserve to have someone looking out for you, too.
Praying for you and sending all the good thoughts for strength, a level head, peace, and patience as you work to figure out how to give you and your kids the life you all deserve.
Yikes, I’m sorry you’re having to navigate this as well while dealing with so much already.
With kindness I say that you don’t have to assume responsibility for his choices and his life. Echoing what others have said, he’s been a miserable prick for years. You continue to walk on eggshells and hoping the next thing(s) you change or take on will be the thing that makes the difference. However, you cannot make him happy unless he chooses to join you, and he firmly does not want that.
He is telling you who he is. Can you finally listen? Because instead of it just being you, Lucy is now joining you in the toxic traits of this bad relationship dynamic you have going with him. Stop. Just stop it. You all deserve so much better. And when I hear you wanting to spend all or most of your inheritance on fixing your house so maybe that’ll be better, it kills me. Just move to your own place.
The only way things in your life will be happier is if you are the one guiding your own way. Will you have no stress? Absolutely not. But it’ll be more manageable because you don’t have the dead weight hanging on your neck, dragging you to the ground and suffocating you, taking all of your mental and physical energy.
You deserve better than anything he has to give. Your kids deserve better too.
You’ve gotten great advice but I did want to reiterate. He does not have to continue to be your problem. You can and likely should leave. This is no way to live.
Post by blondemoment123 on Aug 1, 2023 12:33:17 GMT -5
First, I'm so sorry you have to deal with all this. I know we've talked about this before, buy my H is quite similar to yours and has made comments like this is past. Its very unnerving.
I've told him countless times that he would benefit from therapy and he refuses. He won't see a physician to discuss medication either.
It's not right and honestly quite scary, but please know that you're not alone.
It's not fair to unload that onto you, and then for him to proceed as if all is well, and not seek professional help. As others have said it is ok to leave.
Ok douche, go ahead and call it mud. My husband DID have halitosis. We addressed it after I talked to you girls on here and guess what? Years later, no problem. Mofongo, you're a cunt. Eat shit. ~anonnamus
It's not fair to unload that onto you, and then for him to proceed as if all is well, and not seek professional help. As others have said it is ok to leave.
YES. Thank you for putting so succinctly what I couldn’t bc I’m not thinking straight. I hate to keep piling on bc there’s obviously a reason OP is still married, but I am furious for you, OP, that he dumped that on you and then is all la-di-da I feel better. Like TR said - this fucking guy.
I'm sorry, and I'm wishing the best for all of you. I really hope you get some relief soon from both the acute and chronic stressors in your life. You've received some good advice, though I imagine acting on some of feels (and will be) challenging. I don't know how to make it more manageable, other than to take it one step at a time.
Literally, what is it going to take? It's not strangers' permission because this board has been telling you to leave for YEARS. Since before you had your last kid with this guy. I know you've talked about money before and you now have what you've called "life changing money" (or will soon I guess depending on how long that all takes). If not now, when?
Literally, what is it going to take? It's not strangers' permission because this board has been telling you to leave for YEARS. Since before you had your last kid with this guy. I know you've talked about money before and you now have what you've called "life changing money" (or will soon I guess depending on how long that all takes). If not now, when?
This. If it's financial reasons that are keeping you with him (which, based on your past posts, it's not), then you should feel comfortable leaving now. If it's not financial and it's because you fear for your kids' safety if they're alone with him, fight for full custody with no visitation. You have enough evidence of him being abusive and I'm sure your daughter will back that up.
I am thinking about this more and I am not making light of suicidal ideation at all, but the way you described him telling you and then his immediate turn around stinks of manipulation. I am saying that as one who has struggled with those thoughts and been involved with someone who has had them. This kind of instant "Ah, I feel better getting THAT off my chest." is not how things play out.
He has had you on this merry-g0-round for years. It is time to get off the ride. You are strong, smart, brave, and amazing. You can do this!
Just putting this out there because many people don't realize this but the silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse. Perhaps you should seek counseling for yourself to help you navigate your relationship. You're inadvertently teaching your children to tolerate abusive behavior.
My H made a similar threat a few months ago. I had a mini panic, like, what am I supposed to do about this? But fairly soon afterwards I started to doubt he really meant it. I think he was just trying to express how low he really was? But maybe there was more to it, like some have suggested here. He's also put us through lots of silent treatment, so I get that too.
There's a lot more I could say, but this thread isn't about me. I just wanted to mention, my therapist recently asked me to read "Codependent No More". I'm about halfway through now. But it sounds like something that might help you. It's about really understanding that you are not responsible for their bad choices, you don't have to manage their emotions. Good luck.
I hope that you and your kids stay safe, healthy, and happy.
These things can, and should, happen separately at this point. You can always reevaluate in the future, but you shouldn’t have to sacrifice yourselves for him.
I have a friend who used me as her emotional dumping ground for years. She eventually made a comment suggesting she should just kill herself after she was let go from a job. It scared me more than I’ve ever been scared in my life. Within hours she was acting like I was the one overreacting.
That was it for me. I wrote her a long letter explaining that while I loved her I could not sit by and watch what she was doing if she wouldn’t get professional help. Our relationship will never be the same again because she refuses to get help to this day. You know what though? I’m ok with that. It’s a HUGE emotional weight lifted from my shoulders and she’s just a friend, not a spouse. Imagine how much lighter you’ll feel when you are no longer carrying his burden.
If I'm remembering correctly your daughter has ASKED you to leave. Do it for her. I'm serious when I said people here can walk you through step by step until you feel comfortable with next steps and flying on your own.
I am a praying person, and I will pray for you and him and your family.
Any person in your house that can get stronger via therapy is helpful to everyone else. If those willing to talk to someone are YOU, and your big KIDS, so be it. Now is a great time for you to build yourself back up with some help and build up your big kids, too.
Your life doesn't have to be reacting to whatever you stumble across. It sounds like right now you are already the strength of the home, just not the loudest, and certainly not the neediest.
It is okay that your husband is broken. Since he knows his options, and you are always willing to help guide him to other options (like therapy), it's okay to let him sit for now in what he has chosen for now.
This does not mean you sit. This does not mean you don't act.
This just means you act for you and your kids because he doesn't want to right now.
So....what can you do? Is there a therapist you can talk to? Is talking to the ladies here helping in any way? Do you need to PM anyone here? People are offering to be a support for you in a more private way. The last thing you need is to feel piled on (as others have already stated). I hope you can see that there is so much love for you here.
Seriously consider asking some of us for specific help via PM. Prayer, talking it out, recommendations, etc. Pick your team. We are all volunteering to be on it if you want our help. You matter. Your H matters. Your kids matter.
Things can get better, friend.
The Lord bless you and keep you: The Lord make his face to shine upon you, and be gracious to you: The Lord lift up his countenance upon you, and give you peace.
I am saying this with all genuiness in my heart-I am so sorry you are going through this. Some of the other posters have talked about past dynamics of the relationship….If there is ever a time you want support from me-I am here.
This is maybe beside the point, but the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline is 988 (not 611... although that might be a local routing number??). Just felt the correct info needs to be out there.
Is it possible that your older kids are at each others’ throats and the toddler is clingy due to the massive, ongoing stress of your husband’s horribleness?
Also I’ve been thinking of Lucy all day, getting roped into your marital dynamic. She sounds like she’s being parentified and it’s just so sad.
Post by ProfessorArtNerd on Aug 1, 2023 17:58:48 GMT -5
Thanks, everyone. I read all the responses, even the tough love. I am starting therapy again. I will never let the kids in the house first. The bridge thing is a more credible threat bc he crosses over into jersey for work every day. like, opportunity and symbolism combined.
The last thing I want to do is parentify Lucy.
I'm going to kick him out. I need some time to do it, but I'm not leaving the house.
First I'm going to tell him to get the therapy and medication he needs.
Thanks, everyone. I read all the responses, even the tough love. I am starting therapy again. I will never let the kids in the house first. The bridge thing is a more credible threat bc he crosses over into jersey for work every day. like, opportunity and symbolism combined.
The last thing I want to do is parentify Lucy.
I'm going to kick him out. I need some time to do it, but I'm not leaving the house.
First I'm going to tell him to get the therapy and medication he needs.
I am here for you no matter what you need. Literally, I was just up there getting my roots done, I can come up anytime. I promise you, as a kid who lived in a toxic home, this will be better. You and the kids will feel like you've taken a deep breath.