TW TW my H told me he was thinking about suicide

[ProfessorArtNerd]

The past few weeks have been…a lot in my house. Worrying about my mom, refereeing the big kids, toddler is clingy and my H has been in just an awful mood. We really thought (Lucy and I) that it would be a bit of a honeymoon phase after we got back from Disney World. He was screaming and cursing as we got in the driveway.

On the day that I took my mom for consults about the lump in her neck, his mom was going to watch the little kids. I must’ve told him that I would drop them off, but I don’t recall. Lucy asked who was dropping off the boys, I said Dad is. He became furious with me and starting hollering about how I never do what I say, and it’s all up to him etc. So, thank you, this is exactly what I asked for when I said my mom has this thing, etc , I need some help.

He didn’t speak to me for the rest of the day, his mom ended up with the kids for nearly all day, and he didn’t speak to me again the next day. Which is probably for the best bc I probably would’ve gone off on him

I couldn’t stand it anymore and said, “dude. Are you okay?” This is when he told me that he’s really stressed at work, and at home, and he honestly has been thinking he would do us all a favor and jump off the bridge.

Since he told me this, he’s been feeling much better. He interviewed yesterday for a new job even. But I’m completely unmoored by this info. And I don’t know what to do, beyond keeping the communication open, and checking in on him. He self medicated with gummies (works in NJ where recreational is legal) and won’t do therapy or traditional drugs. I really needed to just write it all out and tell someone. And it’s only 8, but at 9 I’m going to put in a request for therapy when the office opens.

If you’ve read this all, thank you and if you’re the praying type or the good thoughts type, or whatever you’ve got, I will take it

[ssmjlm]

I hope he can get some help.


But you need to protect yourself and your kids. I know you've posted about his issues before and being a not great partner. Have you thought about an exit strategy? Can you use some of your inheritance to leave him? You don't need a 4th child.

[Deleted]

I didn't want to read without commenting, but I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. The fact that he won't consider therapy or medication is of course concerning. Hopefully getting some therapy for yourself will help. And if the kids are noticing his behavior, I would consider therapy for them as well.

[charlatti]

Huge huge hugs ProfessorArtNerd, and tons of good thoughts coming your way.

[honeydew1894]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I think seeking therapy for yourself is a vital plan.

[gottadobe]

I am so sorry you are dealing with this - sending good thoughts your way.

[justemily]

So sorry you're going through this.

Sending good thoughts your way.

[eb777888]

I'm so sorry ProfessorArtNerd, that's a lot to deal with. I really think the refusal to get help after all of this would be a dealbreaker. I would really, really push for him to talk to someone.

[expectantsteelerfan]

I'm sorry. I've often thought about what it means in life when you are in a relationship and one person needs support, and instead of being able to give support, the other person finds themselves in a time when they suddenly need support as well. Is that just life being unfair? Is that a sign you weren't well-suited as partners that one of you isn't able to dig deeper to be the stronger person and support the other in their time of need? Do you just muddle through and support your own damn self? Should you be looking for support from outside sources? I truly don't know. But I am sorry you both struggling and I hope you both find some relief from this impossible situation.

[heygrey]

ProfessorArtNerd, I am so sorry this is adding to the stress in your life. I hope therapy provides some clarity and support for your next steps.

[sugarbear1]

I'm so sorry. That is incredibly scary and really frustrating. As others have suggested, I would encourage you to protect yourself and your kids. Ultimately he is going to make whatever choice he wants -- therapy, meds, or neither -- so you need to do what is best for you and your kids. I could not live in that situation (and full disclosure, one of the reasons I left my exH was that he would not seek help for his me arak health).

[rubytue]

(((( ProfessorArtNerd ))))


PDQ
Edit - poof bc way way too many words and shit for my point, which was meant to be that threats of suicide are considered medical emergencies and ER worthy. But i recognize the issues in how I got there and apologize.

[sproctopus]

I think you have tried so hard and for so long to save him. I know it feels a bit strange here-- to be so worried and so invested in him but yet so overwhelmed keeping everything together for your family. He does need help. And when you're at the end you feel very little hope of things ever getting better and it feel like such a massive obstacle to overcome it can get in the way of seeing the purpose in finding help. All that said-- you are not responsible for saving him. You do not have to sink with his ship. You've thrown out the life raft. If he doesn't grab it, it doesn't mean you had a bad toss. There is nothing that you can do to make him get the help he needs to overcome this. You could make and take him to every appointment and if he doesn't engage and participate actively it will not be successful.

You don't have to drown. You can choose to bring yourself and your kids to a safer and more secure place. And that is not a selfish choice. ❤️

[donutsmakemegonuts]

I'm sorry you're going through all this. You don't need the extra stress either from the sounds of it. It's really hard to help someone who doesn't want to be helped. All you can do is be there for them in whatever capacity you are willing to be (boundaries) and go on from there. If he is ever ready to pursue getting professional help for his issues, you can certainly help with that. However, living in a household of chaos and walking on eggshells all because one person chooses not to address their issues sounds miserable. It's not fair to anyone. I would think about what you want your life to look like in the future knowing that this situation may never change.

[namasteak]

Oh ProfessorArtNerd that is so scary and also the last thing you need on your plate. MH went through this but I was able to get him to do virtual therapy. Maybe that would help yours?

His mental health does not justify his emotional abuse.

And to echo other posters - you have tried to offer him solutions for a long time. You are not responsible for saving him. Please have some kind of plan for if things get worse.

[Jalapeñomel]

I’m so sorry. I hope he can get help, for himself and your family.

[bex1973]

((( ProfessorArtNerd ))) that is a lot and I'm sending prayers & good vibes your way.

And to you as well rubytue <3

[googled]

I’m sorry, prof.

It is impossible to help someone who won’t help themselves. My H refused therapy, refused medication. He was so clearly in a bad spot and would not seek help. And he still managed to blame me in his suicide note.

But it isn’t our fault. My H was a grown man, and yours is, too. His refusal to take care of his mental health is affecting everyone, and it’s unfair to all of you, especially the kids.

I know how it feels to pour so much time and love and energy into a person and not want to walk away from them, but you’ve got three other souls to worry about.

Message me any time you want to chat. We’re here for you.

[beerlover]

I remember following your posts years ago about how your H treated you. You have been dealing with this for so long and I'm sure you are exhausted. I'm so sorry. You can provide him with tools/hotlines/resources but like PP said you are not responsible for saving him. I hope that you can get out from under this someday (if that's what you want) and not have to walk on eggshells all the time. <3

[maudefindlay]

He won't change without help/intervention. If he won't seek it or accept it I think you have to look at protecting yourself and kids. This has been going on for years and is getting worse. Good luck to you.

[wildrice]

I am so sorry - that is really stressful and worrying to hear, no matter what the situation.

I hate to say it, but do you think he's being honest? And IS his job stressful? Or is he just using these things as excuses to justify his bad behavior toward you? I mean obviously something is going on with him to act like this regularly, but is this truly an extra stressful period of his life or is he just like this? IDK, to me this reads as manipulative. He gets to excuse his behavior, further add to your stress, and he doesn't have to change anything because he refuses to get help, just wants to use gummies as "medication" to make him feel better (even though no actual professional has prescribed it as such), and it's all now off limits to push him on because if you get upset at him you'll worry that he'll kill himself.

[fluffycookie]

I hope you can work thru this. (hugs)

[arielroux]

I am so sorry you’re going through this. Based on your posts, it seems like you’ve been struggling and powering through for a long time, and the reason you’ve been struggling and having to power through is because you don’t have help from your H. You don’t have to live like that, and your H doesn’t get to dictate that you continue to live that way. If he refuses to get help or to do anything to make his life better, then that is on HIM.

The gummies thing is fine, but that’s just masking the symptoms, it’s not treating the issue. And nothing is going to truly get better and change until he treats the ISSUE. It is not your responsibility to make him “better.” You have tried and tried, and it sounds like he has continued to fail you and your children. He may not be physically abusive, but it sounds like emotional and verbal abuse. I came from a marriage filled with that, and life is DIFFERENT outside that world. Lighter, better. You, your children, and your family at-large deserve better.

Can you use any of the inheritance from your aunt/the sale of her house to help get yourself out of there? Is it finances that would truly be holding you back from leaving? Please don’t take on the role of savior with him. You can help by suggesting next steps, providing resources, etc. but you cannot make him move forward. The whole, lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink…this is an incredibly difficult situation, but please remember (and repeat it to yourself constantly if you need to). No matter what happens, it is NOT YOUR FAULT.

I truly wish you and your children the best, and I know we don’t know each other IRL, and I’m sure you have friends and family around (but sometimes these things can actually be more difficult to talk about with people you know well), but I’m fairly local so if you ever needed to vent or get out for a bit…please let me know.

[followyourarrow]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm sending you and your family good thoughts.

[Deleted]

I'm really sorry you're going through this. Sending you good vibes and I hope you can come to a solution to keep yourself and kids safe.

[jobae1234]

Having a mental health issue is not a dealbreaker. Refusing to treat your life threatening mental health issue and making everyone else live around it, is a dealbreaker.

Imagine if this behavior were going on with a physical health issue. Imagine if he broke his leg in several places, but he refused treatment. If he said “I don’t believe in x-rays or in resetting bones. I’m not getting a cast, I’m not going to PT, and I’m CERTAINLY not taking any pain medication or antibiotics. I’ll take some weed gummies. You all just need to cater to me from here, bring me things when I can’t get up, and do almost everything without my help. Oh, and everyone has to walk at my pace from now on.”

Also as a reminder, you have no control over whether he dies by suicide whether you stay or you go. And I wouldn’t let my kids walk in the house first when you all leave him home alone. If they find him dead, they will be traumatized for life. That alone would be enough for me to move them out, the fear of that.

ETA I’m sorry if that last part is really scary to think about, but I believe that happened to an old poster here. She and her son found her husband/his father hanging in the garage. And I know someone it happened to IRL. Suicidal people die by suicide and someone has to find them, and I feel compelled to try to protect your kids from that if at all possible.

[TR]

This fucking guy.

[plutosmoon]

I'm sorry you are dealing with this, I've been where you are it's hard.

My exh is severely mentally ill, he refused help. He threatened suicide, my response was always to recommend therapy and meds if this was how he felt. I stayed too long, thinking it was the only way to protect DD, I was terrified of split custody. I gave him an ultimatum, get help or we are done, he briefly got help, but it was unsustainable for him. When I finally told him I wanted a divorce, he again threatened self harm, instead of my usual response, I picked up the phone to call 911 and have him committed, he stopped threatening after that. It was likely a manipulation tactic to get me to stay. There is only so much you and your kids can deal with, they deserve a healthy stable parent, you deserve a healthy stable partner.

I am happy you are planning to talk to a therapist, hopefully they can guide you in this and help you make decisions, whatever those decisions may end up being. Please take care of yourself.

[HRH Queen Dick I, Orphan]

Get rid of him. (Me™️)

[Eagles]

Honey. You have been trying so hard for so long. The fact that he's putting this on you while you're trying to navigate your mom's health...I can't.

I am always a text away. Anything you need, I'm here.