Also, since cousin is pulling this crap after the invitations went out, I can almost guarantee you that at least one or two people are going to show up with kids. I would be furious if THE FLOWER GIRL was sent home and some other rando kids were in attendance.
I would be tempted to be all “oops, dad is running late to pick her up!” and let her enjoy the reception for a half hour or so. Tell him the wrong pickup time. Lol. Who knew I had such a manipulative side? But in this case, it’s deserved IMO.
Yes I would be upset in this situation for all the reasons stated above...she's being disinvited which is horrible enough to begin with but the disappointment to a kid. I'm not sure what to advise you to do though. I agree with the hair thing (unless that was part of the excitement for you daughter).
I'm wondering what you said in the moment? Do you actually have anyone that could watch her? Is it nearby to you, or travel (I might have some ideas either way)? And finally...how do you feel about still going to the reception yourself (thinking of how you could still make this fun for your daughter)
When she told me, I was stunned and I did say something about how I wasn't sure how to break the news to C because she was so excited. C was nervous anyway about doing hair and makeup with the bridesmaids. I was pushing her to do it.
My XH will happily watch her. I'm still going to go to the reception, but at least this gives me an excuse to leave early. The reception is in the same city where we live, so it's less than a five minute drive from my house.
yes leave early and tell her how miserable of a time it was and she didn't miss anything Definitely no to the hair...you got two major reasons, she's not in pictures and she's nervous about it
Post by underwaterrhymes on Aug 14, 2023 8:36:13 GMT -5
Wow. While I understand that many people prefer a kid-free wedding, I agree that it’s really shitty to invite a child, get them excited about being a part of the ceremony, and then yank the fun part out from under their feet.
Also, since cousin is pulling this crap after the invitations went out, I can almost guarantee you that at least one or two people are going to show up with kids. I would be furious if THE FLOWER GIRL home and some other rando kids were in attendance.
I would be tempted to be all “oops, dad is running late to pick her up!” and let her enjoy the reception for a half hour or so. Tell him the wrong pickup time. Lol. Who knew I had such a manipulative side? But in this case, it’s deserved IMO.
See, I suspect the opposite. I think the rest is kid free, so when people assumed/asked if their kids were invited, they had to say it was adults only. And then they felt obligated to uninvite the one kid who actually has a role.
I would say something to her. "I was surprised at the information when you first told me, but I need to be honest with you- excluding C from the reception after you already invited her AND hyped up the entire event is REALLY going to hurt her. A lot. I will respect your decision, but you need to tell her yourself.".
Post by Velar Fricative on Aug 14, 2023 8:56:17 GMT -5
Remove the kid-free element - she uninvited a guest two weeks before the wedding. And you know she was a guest because her freaking name was on the invitation! So first, I'd reconnect with her and tell her this came way out of left field, she's uninviting one of her guests and she should be the one to tell your daughter she can't come to the reception.
Depending on her response, I'd be so livid I wouldn't even go to the reception myself; you and DD can attend the ceremony (you know, the part she actually wants your daughter in for the photo op) and then go out and do something fun together.
Man, weddings bring out the worst in some people. I had a kid-free wedding but everyone knew months ahead of time, which means I didn't invite a bunch of people with their kids and then suddenly tell them after the fact that their kids aren't invited anymore.
This is the key part. She has a right to say no kids but hyping a kid up for months and then changing her mind 2 weeks out is so mean to the kid. And rude to parents who at the last minute have to find childcare.
I would say something to her. "I was surprised at the information when you first told me, but I need to be honest with you- excluding C from the reception after you already invited her AND hyped up the entire event is REALLY going to hurt her. A lot. I will respect your decision, but you need to tell her yourself.".
Because seriously.... that is bullshit.
This is good phrasing.
I would add that she can’t be in the ceremony but not at the reception because my kids wouldn’t want to do just 1. You may not want to do that though.
A kid free wedding is totally fine, but you can’t invite kids and then change your mind last minute, especially if you’ve involved a kid in the planning and activities.
Exactly! That’s madness. Especially for a family member/flower girl. Can certainly make exceptions if you want a kid free wedding.
To be honest I’d be tempted to both skip the reception and do something fun with your daughter (do you even have childcare?). But maybe that’s weird, I have a young daughter and I’m looking forward to (hopefully) is getting along and have special dates together.
No you are not overreacting; this is a terrible thing to do to anyone, much less a 7 year old. Terrible.
Making an exception for children in the wedding party is very common. My guess is that someone bitched about why their child couldn’t come but your daughter could, and the bride decided to cave by being mindlessly cruel to your daughter instead of engaging in the argument with that other person.
She and the fiancé (don’t let him or her off the hook!) both suck.
Post by fivechickens on Aug 14, 2023 9:01:55 GMT -5
My kids were in my cousins wedding when they were 8. She also had a kid free wedding but allowed for the kids in the wedding (5 total) to be a part of all of it.
Your cousin is being shitty and SHE needs to tell your D and not put that on you.
I would say something to her. "I was surprised at the information when you first told me, but I need to be honest with you- excluding C from the reception after you already invited her AND hyped up the entire event is REALLY going to hurt her. A lot. I will respect your decision, but you need to tell her yourself.".
Because seriously.... that is bullshit.
I’m not saying this is the most mature thing to do, but I’d be fucking furious and I’d say the above and let her know that we’ll both leave immediately after the ceremony. There’s no way I’d sit through the reception by myself after that.
I would say something to her. "I was surprised at the information when you first told me, but I need to be honest with you- excluding C from the reception after you already invited her AND hyped up the entire event is REALLY going to hurt her. A lot. I will respect your decision, but you need to tell her yourself.".
That’s terrible! Since you didn’t get that message directly, I’d call the cousin and pretend you think it was delivered to you incorrectly. “Hopefully you can clear something up for me. C’s dad said she’s no longer invited to the reception. That can’t be true, right? It would absolutely crush her and I know you wouldn’t do that to her.”
Normally I would *never* recommend trying to get just your kid into a child-free reception. But a member of the bridal party? Come on. I’d push back in this case, even if the only outcome is to make her feel shitty about it, which she should.
I think it was said to OP directly. C's dad had C for the weekend and OP was at the dress fitting with the cousin in question.
Yeah, I’d be upset. I like the suggestion above of telling her that you’ll respect her decision, but that your daughter might be really disappointed and ask her to tell your daughter herself.
I would 100% talk to her and tell her it is not an option to uninvite C at this point. Say how excited she is, etc. tell crazy bride it is common to make exceptions for bridal party!!! I would argue this hard for my kid behind the scenes.
On a side note, who else is affected by her changed stance on kids 2 weeks before the wedding?!? People probably had outfits, travel plans, etc.
My 8 year old just went to her first wedding (not in wedding party) and she was sooooooo into it and excited about the fancy event for weeks; her dress, the cake, dancing,, so I really feel for you! She would have been devastated if they pulled the invite and she wasn’t even in the wedding.
I would say something to her. "I was surprised at the information when you first told me, but I need to be honest with you- excluding C from the reception after you already invited her AND hyped up the entire event is REALLY going to hurt her. A lot. I will respect your decision, but you need to tell her yourself.".
Because seriously.... that is bullshit.
I’m not saying this is the most mature thing to do, but I’d be fucking furious and I’d say the above and let her know that we’ll both leave immediately after the ceremony. There’s no way I’d sit through the reception by myself after that.
I wouldn't even attend the ceremony. It's absolute bullshit to pull this on anyone, especially a kid in your family.
I understand the impulse of wanting to make the cousin deliver the bad news, but I doubt the DD in this scenario would prefer to be disappointed to her face by the bride vs told in private by her mom.
As crappy as this is, I would just deal with it so DD can experience the fun part (the ceremony) and try to explain to her matter-of-factly that plans have changed. Maybe say there isn’t fun stuff anymore and it’s an adult-only gathering but you’ll get X fun alternative with dad.
The cousin can be made to feel guilty without involving the DD.
Weddings make people crazy, man. But yes I'd be so upset and would likely hold a petty grudge over it forever. To get a 7 year old excited and then pull the rug out right away is awful.
Be kid free, fine. But don't use my kid as a prop. It reminds me of stories of grandparents who post images on SM but don't actually spend time with their grandkids.
I would absolutely be upset. As other's said and I agree, a child in the wedding party is different than all children--and that is CLEARLY indicated by..oh IDK: the special matching shirt the bride made, the big deal the bride made over this child, inclusion in pre wedding events etc. etc.! Is the bride now disinviting other members of the wedding party? The erasure of your daughter from the pictures is also outrageous. That is a question I'd ask.
You mentioned you two are close. I would calmly, clearly and confidently say that this was really, really surprising, and you feel hurt by the news. That you and especially your daughter were looking forward to celebrating the entire event with her and her fiance. I would be prepared to pull my daughter from the wedding..and for you, the bride and especially your daughter to be really upset, but it's not YOU who is responsible--it's you who is protecting your daughter from some absolute bullshit behavior: using, exclusion and erasure and you are setting and keeping a boundary that protects her. Be prepared that the bride can say "this is what we want," and you can say, "not with my daughter." and that has a set of consequences.
Post by mcppalmbeach on Aug 14, 2023 9:59:52 GMT -5
Goodness that is tacky! I would use the wording others have shared here. But it’s sucky. I feel like you won’t want to do this, but you are well within your rights to not have your daughter be part of the ceremony. No, she doesn’t get to be used for cute photos and whatever and sent away without a meal, some cake and a Shirley temple with extra maraschino cherries! Kid free weddings are fine, but you can’t use kids in your ceremony and then not have them at the party. You don’t have to invite others’ kids, but the wedding party should be included!
Y’all are nicer than me. I would pull out of the reception altogether and would really not want to do any of it. How rude.
“Oh okay. I understand your decision. Unfortunately it will be impossible for me to find someone to pick her up after the ceremony. I will just take her out afterwards myself and we will do something fun together. She’s been looking forward to getting dressed up so we will miss celebrating you at the reception but I’m sure you will understand.”
Post by ellipses84 on Aug 14, 2023 10:04:10 GMT -5
For the record, I think the bride is the asshole, not you. However, I probably wouldn’t stir the pot too much so close to the wedding as it will create a ton of family drama. I would tell your cousin that your daughter is absolutely devastated that her invitation was rescinded, that it’s challenging to find childcare on this short of notice, that your ex isn’t normally on call on your weekends, and ask if any compromise can be reached. I’d still have her hair done because that’s part of the fun experience for your daughter and you can take pictures of her. It’s weird she won’t be in formal photos and I can’t imagine the photographer won’t take any (and you could ask them to).
Since weddings often run late and that’s unpredictable, I might take the passive aggressive approach and tell your ex to arrive a little later after the reception is supposed to start or if he’s close that you’ll text him when it’s time to head over (maybe more challenging if the receptions in a different place but maybe there’s a reason like it’s closer or he has plans beforehand). Will she get to see the reception room and cake prior to the ceremony? The bride will be busy after the ceremony (taking pictures?) and nobody can do anything about it. If anyone asks just say your ex should be there soon. Ask him take your daughter out to eat for a daddy daughter date. Hype up the new itinerary for her.