Would you be upset in this situation?

[bcv513]

Okay, I need some people who aren't emotionally involved in this to tell me if I'm being reasonable or an asshole. 

My cousin is getting married in two weeks. C is a flower girl. We are very close to this cousin, and C absolutely adores the fiancé. My cousin has been making a big deal out of C being the flower girl. She had a special shirt made for the engagement party, and even asked if they could wear similar dresses to the shower. The wedding invitations came a couple of months ago, and it was addressed to both myself and C by name. I replied that we would both be there and that C would share a meal with me. I didn't see the need for an entire adult meal for a seven year old who barely eats anything that's not mac and cheese. 

So this weekend, I went to my cousin's first dress fitting. C was with her dad, which ended up being a blessing in disguise. After the fitting, my cousin says to me "So we changed our minds and decided to have a kid-free reception. So can you find someone to take C home right after the ceremony?" She said part of the reason is that the other flower girl is not going to the reception. The other flower girl is under 2. C is 7. There's a huge difference. Obviously, I'm not going to say anything and insist on C going, but my feelings are hurt. I don't know how I'm going to break this to C. She is so excited to go to her first wedding and she can't wait to dance and eat cake. I wish I hadn't talked up the reception part so much, but I figured it was safe because her name was on the invitation. 

I had agreed to letting C get her hair and makeup done with the other bridesmaids, but now I'm thinking of just doing her hair myself. I can't see spending a couple of hundred dollars for hair for a 20-minute ceremony. C won't even be in any of the formal pictures. Or am I just being petty?

[ohgillian]

This is terrible!!! I’m upset for C just reading this. These people so clearly do not have children or they would understand how disappointed she would be.

[joy]

No, you’re not being petty. Your cousin is being very short-sighted. “She’s a kid, she doesn’t care that etiquette says it’s rude to uninvite, I’m the bride and I get to choose anyway.”

I feel bad for C.

[maudefindlay]

I'd be annoyed since it was a change. I don't understand kids at the ceremony (which is boring as fuck) and not at the fun reception. Kids for both or kids for neither. That said, yeah I wouldn't say anything. If you even have childcare for her I'd go to the reception and stay a short time and head out....sneaking a piece of cake for your kid if you can.

[campermom]

Tell your cousin she can be the one to break the news to your child, that she has taken back her invitation.

[konapoppy]

You are not being petty. She is using your daughter as a prop in the wedding. I hate this for you and her. One seven year old is not ruining anyone’s reception. Ugh.

[Jalapeñomel]

OMG! This is shitty. Poor C.


A kid free wedding is totally fine, but you can’t invite kids and then change your mind last minute, especially if you’ve involved a kid in the planning and activities.

[NewGirlNic]

I would be upset too. Having a kid free reception is fine, but that should have been told to you up front, not 2 weeks before. Especially since her name was on the invite and now she's being uninvited. That is rude in any situation, kid or not. 

If you are close to your cousin, I would be honest and say that C has been looking forward to this for months (the dancing, cake cutting etc) and will be heartbroken. Maybe throw in that it will be hard to find an all day/night sitter on this short of notice (I have no idea what your babysitter situation is, but I know for myself if it was a family wedding I would need advance notice for a sitter since mostly family ended up watching DS for us) 

[deadwing]

It's shitty to invite someone and then disinvite them. It's shitty to invite someone to the wedding ceremony, but not the reception.

It's OK to only invite children who are in the wedding party and not children in general.

It sounds like you're a single parent. In your position, I would strongly consider pulling from the wedding altogether. You made plans based on you and your child being invited to the whole event.

[bears]

I would 100% say something. She has committed to having children at her wedding. Usually even if the reception is child-free, an exception is made for the children in the wedding party. Pulling this shit last-minute is egregious and I would seriously pull my child from the wedding party over this ridiculousness.

[jinkies]

People are so disappointing.

This is super shitty and you aren't wrong to be upset. It's their party and I guess if they want to uninvite her they can, but the consequence of that is that I don't think our relationship would ever be the same.

[kaneen]

No, you are most definitely not being petty.

[sofamonkey]

Wow. That’s some shit.

I’d probably want to ask if she could go home shortly after the reception started, like an hour. She’ll get to do some things, but not get too overwhelmed or bored.

What I’d also want to do is tell her what a selfish jerkass she’s being, and remind her that feelings have no age limit.

What I’d actually do? I have no idea because I’m also not rational about it at the moment.

[bex1973]

Aug 14, 2023 8:09:24 GMT -5 konapoppy said:

You are not being petty. She is using your daughter as a prop in the wedding. I hate this for you and her. One seven year old is not ruining anyone’s reception. Ugh.

100% this! I'm pissed on C's behalf. I would absolutely be upset because of the last minute change.

[W.T.Faulkner]

I wouldn’t be able to not say something to her.

[ladysybil]

This is terrible, and I might be an asshole but I would tell her how disappointed C will be.  She was included in the engagement party and the shower, and is IN the wedding, but she doesn't get to come to the reception?  She's not even going to be in any of the pictures?  What?!

I'm aghast at the complete lack of awareness that the cousin seems to have about this.  Out of curiosity, how old is this cousin?

A kid free wedding is perfectly fine, but that should be decided BEFORE all these events and don't uninvite this poor kid!  Cousin should have to break the news to her.

[dcn]

What? Yes I’d be upset, what in the hell?

[bcv513]

Okay, I'm relieved to know I'm not overreacting. I am a single parent, but XH will be happy to pick C up after the ceremony, and he will do something fun with her to make it sting a little less. I already talked to him about it. Great idea about bringing home a piece of cake. I didn't even thing of that.

ETA: The bride is 30

[bears]

Are you going to say something? I would be PISSED at going to the bother/expense of having my child in the wedding party and having her invitation to the reception recinded.

[dexteroni]

That’s terrible! Since you didn’t get that message directly, I’d call the cousin and pretend you think it was delivered to you incorrectly. “Hopefully you can clear something up for me. C’s dad said she’s no longer invited to the reception. That can’t be true, right? It would absolutely crush her and I know you wouldn’t do that to her.”

Normally I would *never* recommend trying to get just your kid into a child-free reception. But a member of the bridal party? Come on. I’d push back in this case, even if the only outcome is to make her feel shitty about it, which she should.

[jennistarr1]

Yes I would be upset in this situation for all the reasons stated above...she's being disinvited which is horrible enough to begin with but the disappointment to a kid. I'm not sure what to advise you to do though. I agree with the hair thing (unless that was part of the excitement for you daughter).

I'm wondering what you said in the moment?
Do you actually have anyone that could watch her?
Is it nearby to you, or travel (I might have some ideas either way)?
And finally...how do you feel about still going to the reception yourself (thinking of how you could still make this fun for your daughter)

[expectantsteelerfan]

I agree that it's really crappy of her, but I also remember what it's like to be young and kid-free and not know what it's like to be a parent and think of your child first, and be planning a wedding and feeling like you are being pulled in 100 directions on decisions, so I'm trying to give her the benefit of the doubt here. So my advice is to talk to her more and try to find out more about why she made this decision. What is she worried about with your dd being there? Is she being pressured to invite other kids because of her? I know we had a separate kid's activity table at our wedding with coloring books and stuff because we did have a number of 5-10 year olds at our wedding and we put it near the photo props and other 'kid friendly' stuff and away from the cake, so some planning went into have the kids there. But if she is seriously the only kid going to be there, who knows? But I would also think about if you are willing to meet her halfway if she is going to dig in on not wanting her there...would you want her there for a little bit, but could you have someone pick her up early if she wants an 'adult's only' party later in the evening (if that's even logistically possible for you)?

[jennistarr1]

Aug 14, 2023 8:24:52 GMT -5 dexteroni said:

That’s terrible! Since you didn’t get that message directly, I’d call the cousin and pretend you think it was delivered to you incorrectly. “Hopefully you can clear something up for me. C’s dad said she’s no longer invited to the reception. That can’t be true, right? It would absolutely crush her and I know you wouldn’t do that to her.”

Normally I would *never* recommend trying to get just your kid into a child-free reception. But a member of the bridal party? Come on. I’d push back in this case, even if the only outcome is to make her feel shitty about it, which she should.

Daughter was with dad...but message came from cousin directly

[scm1011]

Woah, I also wouldn't be able to keep quiet on this (and I had a kid-free wedding, so I get that angle). I would definitely put it back on cousin to handle the fallout ("Oh X, could you reach out and break the news to DD yourself? She has so been looking forward to the reception and its probably best she hear this news from you directly.") Maybe then she'll realize how shitty she is being.

[bcv513]

Aug 14, 2023 8:24:54 GMT -5 jennistarr1 said:

Yes I would be upset in this situation for all the reasons stated above...she's being disinvited which is horrible enough to begin with but the disappointment to a kid. I'm not sure what to advise you to do though. I agree with the hair thing (unless that was part of the excitement for you daughter).

I'm wondering what you said in the moment?
Do you actually have anyone that could watch her?
Is it nearby to you, or travel (I might have some ideas either way)?
And finally...how do you feel about still going to the reception yourself (thinking of how you could still make this fun for your daughter)

When she told me, I was stunned and I did say something about how I wasn't sure how to break the news to C because she was so excited. C was nervous anyway about doing hair and makeup with the bridesmaids. I was pushing her to do it.

My XH will happily watch her. I'm still going to go to the reception, but at least this gives me an excuse to leave early. The reception is in the same city where we live, so it's less than a five minute drive from my house. 

[dexteroni]

Aug 14, 2023 8:27:09 GMT -5 jennistarr1 said:

Aug 14, 2023 8:24:52 GMT -5 dexteroni said:

That’s terrible! Since you didn’t get that message directly, I’d call the cousin and pretend you think it was delivered to you incorrectly. “Hopefully you can clear something up for me. C’s dad said she’s no longer invited to the reception. That can’t be true, right? It would absolutely crush her and I know you wouldn’t do that to her.”

Normally I would *never* recommend trying to get just your kid into a child-free reception. But a member of the bridal party? Come on. I’d push back in this case, even if the only outcome is to make her feel shitty about it, which she should.

Daughter was with dad...but message came from cousin directly

Oh I misread that. Dang.

[dexteroni]

Aug 14, 2023 8:20:45 GMT -5 ladysybil said:

This is terrible, and I might be an asshole but I would tell her how disappointed C will be.  She was included in the engagement party and the shower, and is IN the wedding, but she doesn't get to come to the reception?  She's not even going to be in any of the pictures?  What?!

I'm aghast at the complete lack of awareness that the cousin seems to have about this.  Out of curiosity, how old is this cousin?

A kid free wedding is perfectly fine, but that should be decided BEFORE all these events and don't uninvite this poor kid!  Cousin should have to break the news to her.

No I’m with you. Cousin needs to know how shitty this is to do to a little girl. And I agree that the cousin has to break the news to her.

[ssmjlm]

Whoah, I would have had a hard time not going off. I'm also shocked that the other adults didn't say anything. This is 100% what you don't do. I could see some grandmas ripping the bride a new one.

We had my BIL's kids at the wedding and reception (they weren't in it though) and he just worked out with his ex to pick them up at like 8pm (wedding was at 4). Honestly I would have been fine if they stayed, but that's a whole other story.

[penguingrrl]

Uninviting a guest is always tacky and rude, no matter the guest’s age. And I’ve seen plenty of otherwise kid free weddings where the kids in the bridal party were the only exception. I’m sorry for your daughter, being excluded from something you thought you were part of sucks!

[namasteak]

I would definitely say something. “Hey cousin, you know how excited C is to be in your wedding. You have been hyping her up to be a part of your day and are now excluding her for no reason other than the 2 year old flower girl won’t be attending the reception. I will not allow you to use her as a prop for the ceremony and then exclude her from the reception. You can be the one to break the news to her”