Family member in DV situation

[letsgetweird]

Sept 26, 2023 15:03:54 GMT -5 ECB said:

Sept 26, 2023 11:55:03 GMT -5 letsgetweird said:

She has not set that boundary though, which is what makes this conversation with her so confusing. If she set that boundary, I would most likely go no contact with her and let her know I'm here when she wants to see me without him. 

To a degree, this kind of goes to my point, though.

You seem to view a boundary as a verbalized statement told to another person and it's expected the other person will comply, and in turn, you're confused as to why your mother isn't complying.

But that's the point. Boundaries are what you decide for yourself you're going to set for YOUR OWN wellbeing and no one else's. And it's on you and only you to make sure the boundary stays firm. Yes - sometimes we speak these boundaries to others, but it doesn't have to be spoken. And yes, sometimes the other person will actually comply. But often - as is the case here - that doesn't happen.

Your mom has decided for herself that she only wants to see her kids if her BF is included too. That's HER boundary. Doesn't matter if she's actually said that or not - it's clearly an expectation that she's set up for herself and she's trying to enforce it.

This is all just to say that this whole concept of setting boundaries - try to attach as little emotion to it as you can and just keep doing what you know YOU need to do for your own wellbeing. You can't rely on others to respect your choices - which is all that a boundary is. A choice you're making for yourself.

I understand what boundaries are and find it kind of patronizing that you feel you need to explain it now twice. I think you're misunderstanding and I do not believe my mom is enforcing that boundary but I'm not going to go back and forth with you. 

[livinitup]

I wonder if you would be comfortable doing a credit and financial check with her? Has he taken credit cards in her name, loans? Has she transferred any property to his name?

There might be some invisible ties you might not be aware of and she may only be vaguely privy to. It’s usually on the top of most DV check lists to have a clear understanding of a financial picture - the good and the bad.

I hope this doesn’t come across as trite, unhelpful, or cold. I guess we just don’t know what her financial position really might be and might be driving some of these emotional decisions, too.

To answer your question, yes, your boundaries are very appropriate. She seems to be able to travel and go places. Does she work outside the home? What’s her income and how long will it last? Her health insurance and access to medical care? Any chance you can meet up for lunch without the bf? If/when she says no, that’s not on you. And you are not being unreasonable.

[letsgetweird]

Sept 26, 2023 16:07:12 GMT -5 livinitup said:

I wonder if you would be comfortable doing a credit and financial check with her? Has he taken credit cards in her name, loans? Has she transferred any property to his name?

There might be some invisible ties you might not be aware of and she may only be vaguely privy to. It’s usually on the top of most DV check lists to have a clear understanding of a financial picture - the good and the bad.

I hope this doesn’t come across as trite, unhelpful, or cold. I guess we just don’t know what her financial position really might be and might be driving some of these emotional decisions, too.

To answer your question, yes, your boundaries are very appropriate. She seems to be able to travel and go places. Does she work outside the home? What’s her income and how long will it last? Her health insurance and access to medical care? Any chance you can meet up for lunch without the bf? If/when she says no, that’s not on you. And you are not being unreasonable.

At this point, I'm not really comfortable having any conversations with her about the details of her relationship and I doubt she is either.

She has recently come into an inheritance which is one reason I suspect he stays around. She doesn't work. She has enough to last for the rest of her life but she's not financially responsible. She doesn't have health insurance. She went to the ER twice last year and saw a specialist about possibly needing surgery on her wrist.

[emilyinchile]

To answer your question, I think your boundary is very sensible and understandable. Whether or not it's the right one is something only you can decide, but it's definitely not a blatantly wrong one despite what your mom may say. If you want her in your life while still upholding this boundary, it seems like all you can do is continue to call, text and invite her to do things without her BF, like meeting you for lunch, getting together with your sister, whatever works. I probably wouldn't try to go back to the holidays conversation right now because she's clearly not rational about it, but maybe if you're able to spend some nice time together there will be an opening for you to say that you'd love to celebrate the holidays in some form together and suggest a way of doing that. This all sounds heartbreaking, and I'm so sorry you're having to deal with it.