Post by letsgetweird on Sept 25, 2023 19:57:12 GMT -5
PDQ...this will be long.
My mom has been w/ her bf since 2014. I learned less than 2 years ago that he has been abusive to her, I'm not sure if the abuse has been going on this whole time. I've never liked my mom's bf, she started dating him several months after my dad died & she moved him in 1 week after knowing him, my 20 yo brother still lived at home during that time. I understand my mom is codependent and has not made the best decisions.
He pushed her off the bed, causing her to break her wrist, he's choked her, he was arrested earlier this year for DV (at least the 3rd DV incident). They have separated for a month or two at least 3 times now. Last year, after they reconciled, I set a boundary that I wouldn't be around him. I ended up breaking that & was around him (very limited talking)while visiting my mom at her house. They separated again this spring (which is when I learned he was arrested) and then reconciled (after my mom bailed him out of jail, 2nd arrest this year - this time not for DV). Again, I set a boundary that I won't be around him & intend to keep it this time. I have not seen my mom since they reconciled in late June, she lives 30 minutes away. I do talk with my mom daily in a group chat w/ my sister. My brother is no contact as long as she is with him, my brother's wife died 6 months before the wrist incident (he was living w/ my mom at the time since he had quit his job). My brother has a lot of resentment over dealing with this very stressful situation on top of the traumatic & unexpected loss of his wife. TBH, I'm resentful too, it's added a lot of stress & anxiety to my life on top of my grief.
That being said, I understand the complexity of being in an abusive relationship. I know it can take leaving 7 times on average. Things came to a head today when my mom asked about spending time together. I agreed to but reminded her I will not be around her bf. She then says she guesses the holidays are off the table too. I let her know that's her choice if she prefers to be w/ him for the holidays but I will not change my mind about being around him. She then says "guess I don't have any family, can't imagine abandoning your own mother."
My mom has no siblings, no parents, no friends. All she has is her kids and her POS bf. She is not financially dependent on him, he is dependent on her & can't hold down a job. He has a history of being unsupportive. Her kids are the ones that rally and support her during difficult times (my grandma had a stroke last year & passed in March 2023). She will not go to therapy. I understand I cannot convince her to leave this man. I do not believe her bf is stable. My worst fear is that he kills my mom. I know the statistics around choking/strangulation.
The point of this long story: Am I making the right decision by setting this boundary? I want my mom in my life and I want to see her. But I do not want to be in the presence of that awful man. I have made it very clear how I feel about him and I don't even know why she would want me to be around him.
If you've made it this far, thank you for reading.
Post by starburst604 on Sept 25, 2023 20:03:53 GMT -5
Not any kind of expert here, but someone who listens to lots of podcasts regarding DV and much like the post here about alcoholic relatives, it seems like all you can do is offer to be there when they truly want help, and keep your boundaries when they are still lying for and defending their abuser.
I’m so sorry you are dealing by with this. It has to be so gut-wrenching to know someone you love is in danger and isn’t willing to get help.
I didn’t want to read without commenting. First, I’m so sorry. It’s heartbreaking to watch loved ones make poor choices.
I would probably lean into my therapist on this and see what they say about guiding you on the boundary. It sounds reasonable to me, but sometimes my therapist has other ways of looking at things that aligns more closely with my actual goals.
I’m really sorry. I don’t have any real advice, but I don’t think you’re wrong in your boundaries. Living 30 minutes away should not prevent her from meeting with you either at your home or in a public place near hers. It’s not like an overnight stay is necessary.
It doesn’t sound like you’re giving her an ultimatum, him or is, situation. So she’s likely just being dramatic. Do you think calling her bluff would work?
Post by underwaterrhymes on Sept 25, 2023 20:06:11 GMT -5
I just want to say I’m so sorry. It’s clear how much you love your mom. My inclination is that you should tell your mom you love her but you’re scared for her well-being and that you need to draw the line and not be around him, but I don’t know what the right answer is. This is so hard.
Post by starburst604 on Sept 25, 2023 20:07:56 GMT -5
Regarding what she said about abandoning her: I’d just keep it on repeat that you love her and would love to spend holidays with her, but you won’t spend your holidays with someone who hurts her. Will it change anything, maybe not, but you have to protect your boundaries. You can emphasize that you are there for her whenever she decides she wants help leaving him (if you are willing).
Post by jeaniebueller on Sept 25, 2023 20:18:41 GMT -5
Is she open to therapy with a therapist who specializes in DV? Im not sure what I would do. This is tough. She might get it eventually snd need the support. See her on your terms and never at her home. See if she would agree to therapy.
I’m really sorry. I don’t have any real advice, but I don’t think you’re wrong in your boundaries. Living 30 minutes away should not prevent her from meeting with you either at your home or in a public place near hers. It’s not like an overnight stay is necessary.
It doesn’t sound like you’re giving her an ultimatum, him or is, situation. So she’s likely just being dramatic. Do you think calling her bluff would work?
Calling her bluff in what way exactly?
To complicate matters, my brother that is NC with her lives in my home now so we can't really meet here lol. But my sister lives even closer to my mom, so we could meet there or in a public place.
I just want to say I’m so sorry. It’s clear how much you love your mom. My inclination is that you should tell your mom you love her but you’re scared for her well-being and that you need to draw the line and not be around him, but I don’t know what the right answer is. This is so hard.
This is definitely good advice and something I've done with her. Admittedly, I have had some emotional outbursts especially when I found out she was bailing him out of jail. But I've tried to be logical and rational to not add fuel to the fire.
Is she open to therapy with a therapist who specializes in DV? Im not sure what I would do. This is tough. She might get it eventually snd need the support. See her on your terms and never at her home. See if she would agree to therapy.
She has not been receptive to the idea of going to therapy
Post by W.T.Faulkner on Sept 25, 2023 20:28:21 GMT -5
I’m sorry. It’s not right that you have to deal with this, and her comment was out of line.
I think I’d lay it on the line for her: I’m terrified for you, I don’t want you to die, I love you, and I won’t be around him because he is not good for you. You can extend invitations to her for the holidays and for hanging out before that, and she can take them (and I hope she does), but there’s just not much else to do. Which fucking sucks. I hope she is able to get him out of the picture soon.
((Hugs)) I definitely think your boundary is more than reasonable. I can only imagine how difficult this is for you to navigate. Regarding holidays, she can do one with you guys and one with him, if she wishes. You’ve drawn your line, and it’s up to her what she does with it. I’m pretty sure I’d have a screaming match with my mom anytime I talked to her, so I think you’re doing great here.
Ok douche, go ahead and call it mud. My husband DID have halitosis. We addressed it after I talked to you girls on here and guess what? Years later, no problem. Mofongo, you're a cunt. Eat shit. ~anonnamus
I think from your OP that your boundary is around the fact that you don't want to be in the same room as this guy, right? So I would focus on that. Although it's supportive to say "I don't like how he treats you so I don't want to see you with him", it's putting pressure on her to leave. She isn't going to leave until she is ready, no matter what you say. So I'd focus it on you - he makes me uncomfortable. I can't enjoy my holiday around him. I don't want to see him. Etc. You can't make your mom leave, but you can decide how you interact with this man.
If she says that she doesn't have family, call her out on that BS and remind her that she does and she always will. You are always there for her, you just can't be around her BF. And I would hold firm to that. It may ruin her holiday, but it will ruin yours if you see him and you count too.
Post by mcppalmbeach on Sept 25, 2023 20:48:16 GMT -5
I am so sorry. This sounds impossible and very scary. I would really seek out professional advice here. This man sounds dangerous bath to your mom and potentially to your family. I don’t think I’d say much without really getting some feedback from a therapist who is used to dealing with abusive relationships.
I think from your OP that your boundary is around the fact that you don't want to be in the same room as this guy, right? So I would focus on that. Although it's supportive to say "I don't like how he treats you so I don't want to see you with him", it's putting pressure on her to leave. She isn't going to leave until she is ready, no matter what you say. So I'd focus it on you - he makes me uncomfortable. I can't enjoy my holiday around him. I don't want to see him. Etc. You can't make your mom leave, but you can decide how you interact with this man.
If she says that she doesn't have family, call her out on that BS and remind her that she does and she always will. You are always there for her, you just can't be around her BF. And I would hold firm to that. It may ruin her holiday, but it will ruin yours if you see him and you count too.
That's how I've posed it. I didn't mention the abuse today. I just said I'm willing to see her as long as he's not there.
Post by letsgetweird on Sept 25, 2023 20:48:40 GMT -5
She is spending a few days at the lake a couple of hours away. She sent pics and said "wish you guys would come sometime." Which is when i told her I would come, if he wasn't there. I feel like I blew up this day and conversation with my comment about not being around him. But I feel like for almost 3 months, we haven't seen each other & have been dealing w/ this big elephant in the room. I know the convo is coming up very soon because of the holidays so I figured now was the time to address it.
Right after she reconciled with him this summer, she was at an airbnb 1 hour away from me. She sent us pics of the pool and said we should come swim for the day. This is literally 2 weeks after we had a blow up argument over the situation and I very clearly let her know I would not be around him. So it felt like she was completely ignoring my boundaries and hoping this situation would magically fix itself.
I am so sorry. This sounds impossible and very scary. I would really seek out professional advice here. This man sounds dangerous bath to your mom and potentially to your family. I don’t think I’d say much without really getting some feedback from a therapist who is used to dealing with abusive relationships.
Yes, he is clearly a dangerous person which is the whole reason for the boundary. I've talked to my therapist about this in the past but I haven't seen her in over 6 months. Truly, I'm not sure what my therapist could do other than helping me manage my own emotions around the situation. My mom doesn't seem to be leaving this man any time soon.
Post by shopgirl07 on Sept 25, 2023 21:09:49 GMT -5
I wonder if there is something else going on with your Mom? Like narcissism or something. I am so not qualified to make any diagnosis, but her defiance and guilting doesn’t really fit. I find her goading really odd. Anyway, I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this and I think you’re completely justified in your stance. There’s no way I could be around a violent abuser.
You are doing absolutely nothing wrong by refusing to be around him. You are not cutting your mom off or demanding an either/or. She is the one twisting it to that but you are not. Please see that clearly.
I do wonder, however, if he will let your mom see family without him present. There is a need to isolate the abused in these relationships so I’d worry that her dramatics are more due to the boyfriend’s threats than her true desire to not see you.
Are you therapy? I would recommend as a way to navigate this situation better.
I wonder if there is something else going on with your Mom? Like narcissism or something. I am so not qualified to make any diagnosis, but her defiance and guilting doesn’t really fit. I find her goading really odd. Anyway, I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this and I think you’re completely justified in your stance. There’s no way I could be around a violent abuser.
She is not a narcissist. She is codependent and acting selfish IMO. She is emotionally immature.
I think my mom thought things were going to go back to the way they were, a happy little family that could spend time at her house with her and her bf. And I think she's acting out now that she's learned things will never go back to that as long as he is around. Since I didn't keep my boundaries firm last year, I think she thought the same thing would happen again.
The hardest part of this is having to accept that there isn't much you can do about it. Be an open ear, encourage her to go to therapy or find healthy hobbies that get her out of the house. Remind her that you love her and that she is a good person (to combat the self esteem drop that comes with abuse).
Keeping yourself safe is important, and if she were in her right mind, she'd agree with that. She's being manipulated by someone who isn't worth the air he breathes, but she's an adult and she has to make the decision to leave herself (which will be a dangerous time- so if it comes, try to be there in whatever capacity that's safe for you). I'm really sorry, and I don't think therapy for you would be a bad idea. Abuse is hard on everyone (but the psychopathic fuck committing it).
You are doing absolutely nothing wrong by refusing to be around him. You are not cutting your mom off or demanding an either/or. She is the one twisting it to that but you are not. Please see that clearly.
I do wonder, however, if he will let your mom see family without him present. There is a need to isolate the abused in these relationships so I’d worry that her dramatics are more due to the boyfriend’s threats than her true desire to not see you.
Are you therapy? I would recommend as a way to navigate this situation better.
I don't think he has ever tried to isolate her before. In the past when me and my siblings have visited my mom, he would usually go to another area of the house or go outside. So I tend to think he's not doing that. But I suppose it's possible especially with this new escalation. I have no idea if she's telling him about all the arguments we've had around this topic.
Post by wanderingback on Sept 25, 2023 21:25:37 GMT -5
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. You are absolutely not wrong to have that boundary to not be around him.
I think if she makes comments like "I wish you were here," you can either ignore or ask if the boyfriend is around and when she says yes matter of fact remind her of your boundary. Rinse and repeat.
You says she has no friends, is that because he won’t allow her to have friends?
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. You are absolutely not wrong to have that boundary to not be around him.
I think if she makes comments like "I wish you were here," you can either ignore or ask if the boyfriend is around and when she says yes matter of fact remind her of your boundary. Rinse and repeat.
You says she has no friends, is that because he won’t allow her to have friends?
She has never had friends my whole life. She was married to my dad for almost 32 years and he didn't keep her from having friends. It's just the way she is. I tried to encourage her to get out and meet friends after my dad passed.
I’m really sorry. I don’t have any real advice, but I don’t think you’re wrong in your boundaries. Living 30 minutes away should not prevent her from meeting with you either at your home or in a public place near hers. It’s not like an overnight stay is necessary.
It doesn’t sound like you’re giving her an ultimatum, him or is, situation. So she’s likely just being dramatic. Do you think calling her bluff would work?
Calling her bluff in what way exactly?
To complicate matters, my brother that is NC with her lives in my home now so we can't really meet here lol. But my sister lives even closer to my mom, so we could meet there or in a public place.
I think you could invite her to your house. It’d be up to your brother to find something else to do for a few hours. Beyond that, I want to ditto what joy said - you are NOT cutting her out of your life and don’t let her manipulate you into thinking you are. Remind her, and yourself, that you would love to see her as long as her bf isn’t around. Rinse and repeat that “I would love to see you as long as bf isn’t there.”
Post by fangoriagurkel on Sept 25, 2023 23:37:06 GMT -5
To echo starburst604 and wise words from another poster, “You cannot care for someone more than they care for themselves”.
***PDQ*** I had to hit absolute rock bottom to leave my abusive relationship. We dated on and off (by on and off, I mean we’d be fine for a month or so, have a big blow up which included neighbor and police involvement, me staying away for a month or two, he’d contact me sweet as pie, and I would fall or it. Rinse and repeat et al) for about 18 months.
My rock bottom? He pushed me down his driveway, I fell face first and my glasses broke on my face. His exact words to me? “Fine, I’ll drive you to the ER but you had better not bleed in my car”. How chivalrous of him! It happened on a Dec 28, so I spent my NYE at home with a broken nose, two black eyes, and four stitches on the bridge of my nose.
And a “boyfriend” that was mad I 1) DID bleed in the interior AND 2) wouldn’t come out to celebrate NYE because I still had stitches in my face. I have ZERO idea why this was the straw that broke the camel’s back but it was. Sometimes a small act or throwaway phrase can make something in your brain click.
All this to say, provide a listening ear and resources if she’s interested and stand firm with your boundaries. That’s really all you can do. It’s a horrifically shitty cycle to watch, I am very sorry.