We don't exchange any gifts with people outside our immediate family other than my parents. H's family is just too huge and spread out, and on his side alone there are 15 nieces and nephews. I don't have that kind of money, plus I've never met any of them. My MIL and FIL do send gifts for DD.
I get it and sort of wish I was still exchanging gifts with friends. It felt festive and special and I really liked finding great gifts for them. But I don't think I'm being singled out - I'm pretty sure my friends are limiting their gift giving as well.
Post by underwaterrhymes on Dec 20, 2023 12:13:12 GMT -5
We buy for our parents, nieces and nephews, each other, and the kids. We also send a calendar of the kids and ornaments to my grandfather and parents and just the ornament to our siblings. (If we are seeing them in person, then we buy them actual gifts too.) We get a gift for our regular babysitter and for our best friends in the area also.
I also give gift cards to my staff and all of the kids’ teachers (including specials teachers).
I usually love finding the perfect gift for someone, but this year - aside from the kids - I just didn’t have it in me to get super creative.
I’m sorry you’re having a hard time. I totally get it. ❤️
Post by Leeham Rimes on Dec 20, 2023 12:18:53 GMT -5
We don’t exchange with friends at all. I’d rather just go out to dinner or something. Extended family, just our parents, siblings, their kids. I give experience gifts to my sister and nephew so I renew their zoo pass every year
I had a playgroup when the kids were babies/toddlers and they did gift exchanges. It was fine but I’m also fine to never do that again. We ended up with “stuff”, which we have more than enough of.
I need ham like water Like breath, like rain I need ham like mercy From Heaven's gate Sometimes ham salad or casserole or ham that’s free range, all natural I need ham
We only buy for neices & nephews. We very rarely exchange with each other maybe every 3 years or so.
It sounds like your love language is giving and receiving gifts but for many gift giving is an obligation. Not every gift you receive has been purchased with love, thought & care. My ex MIL would pour her heart and soul into buying the most thoughtful gift for everyone. It was really sweet, but she was left disappointed most years when all she received was "generic junk". It put so much pressure on us to buy her something extra special and in the end (after many years) we were all resentful. I'm sorry you're feeling sad about it and I'm glad your therapist is helping you navigate those feelings.
Post by ellipses84 on Dec 20, 2023 12:29:08 GMT -5
A lot but I think it’s a matter of the grass is always greener, because it definitely feels like a burden or like we might as well just pass money back and forth. I don’t mind when it’s in person and my college BFFs and I exchange gifts but we usually see each other in person and they don’t have SOs so they don’t have many people buying them gifts. For siblings, we see each other and do gifts for kids and stocking stuffers for adults. With my cousins we do a kid exchange but most people only do it if they are in person at a gtg. We live far away and don’t participate unless someone mails us a gift, then I’ll mail one back.
Have you ever adopted a family for Christmas gifts? That can be really fun to do the shopping and puts things in perspective.
Does your H give you good gifts you love? If not, that may be part of it. Mine tries but he’s not great at it so that would be disappointing if he was the only person I got a gift from.
Well before yesterday I would have said: we exchange with my parents, my FIL/MIL, and my SIL and her husband. I also buy for my nieces who are young.
But as mentioned in the randoms, we are now going to DH’s aunt where there will be 25 extra people for us to buy for. 6 of those are kids. Couple will get a couple gift…once I figure out what that is…
Post by litskispeciality on Dec 20, 2023 12:34:20 GMT -5
To answer the question, I buy things for my dad, and maybe something small for my brother or give him cash. We don't exchange adult gifts with DH's siblings other than a potential gift swap at a Christmas party if we're invited, and/or can go. We give DH's parents cash because they always need it. We gift cash to (great) nieces, nephews, niblings under 21 y.o. Finally, we gift a few cousins 1 - 2 gifts per child because they need the help and DH and I are DINKS so why not give some joy. We give cash and a gift to one family DH is friends with because they lost their dad a few years ago. DH would be ok letting it go, but they have an estranged immediate family situation, so I like to make sure the friends have something to open. I only have one close girlfriend who sends us gifts including our cats. She doesn't have children and it means a lot to her...but sometimes I wish she'd save her money as she needs that funding. I didn't send anything to her this year and only now regret it, but I don't have the bandwidth to buy another gift.
I've grieved certain gift giving changes over time. I had a hard time not giving cash to the 21+ crowd and looked for support here. Best advice was "at that some point you have to cut it off or you'll be giving cash when they're 45." We still sneak $20 here and there throughout the year to help with gas and expenses, but on a one-off basis. I think that I really hard a hard time with the kids I loved hanging out being adults, some with kids of their own, that they don't *need* us anymore.
I LOVED giving up adult gifts other than to my brother because he's single no kids and I want him to have something. You can only get so many cheap bubble bath kits.
I'm having a really hard time with my dad. We've moved on to giving him practical gifts like calendars and clothes because he really doesn't even understand holidays anymore. We also had a tradition that he'd buy me the new Taylor Swift CD (before she was what she is now), but now I basically just want to spend the day with him no gifts needed. I hate that he doesn't want new books or things to entertain him, he's just too young for that.
One thing I'm starting to realize I miss is time with friends between Nov - end of year. While I loved the COVID lock down no pressure to go to things, there was something nice about seeing friends who otherwise are too busy, or don't invite us to kid things the rest of the year. I think most of those folks have given up their celebrations so it's not us, it's them. DH's schedule is too weird for us to have something at our house instead, and people think we live too far away...but we can drive to them.
All this to say I think it's normal to have feelings around changes to gift giving, esp if your love language is giving gifts. I get a lot of joy out of watching people open what I shopped for, or the excitement of having cash for future use. On the other hand I def agree that saving the money, and time is a big win.
Post by litskispeciality on Dec 20, 2023 12:39:05 GMT -5
OP I like the idea of gifting a family above. DH and I have given to many Toys For Tots or other lesser known charities for years and really enjoy it. When time allowed we'd shop for gifts together. You don't get the joy of watching someone open the gift, but you can almost always find a thank you from the organization for the total number of gifts rc'vd that year.
Pre-COVID I also volunteered with a couple of groups to wrap presents for free, but the recipient could donate to the charity. While I hate wrapping presents this was actually a lot of fun. I could drum up business or clean up etc., and I got to talk to new folks I didn't know. Life has been too busy, but I'd like to get back to that next year if I can.
Post by exploding people on Dec 20, 2023 12:39:25 GMT -5
I exchange gifts with my best friend, and I occasionally will get something for two of my other close friends, but not every year. That's it! H and I don't exchange gifts, mostly we've been doing a thing where when we're shopping together we'll get stuff we want "because it's Christmas!" This year it was matching heated blankets and a deep tissue massager.
This year, for my side, we almost stopped exchanging with adults (6 others) but then other people decided to do a White Elephant- which required we bring 3 presents to “play”. That was canceled twice and re-instated twice. Ugh. Overall, on both sides, we do that + 6 children, and help my DD get a gift for the adults in her life who get her gifts (5-6 family, 4 work, about 3-4 teachers).
ETA - We also help adopt 1-2 families every year & 2 WE gifts for each work party
We only bought presents for our son this year. My partner and I get each other an ornament every year. Some years we also exchange 1-2 gifts with each other, but we decided not to this year. Grandparents get gifts for our son, but we don't buy anything for adults.
I have never been a gift giving/receiving person, so this is fine with me. What I have always enjoyed most about the holidays is getting to see family and enjoy food together. I have never had local family, so the holidays are unique in that sense for me. Are there are other things about the holidays that you enjoy that you can focus on and dedicate the time/energy you previously spent on gifts towards those?
For a long time, my cousins would host and DH, DD and I would travel on Xmas eve to the family gathering in my hometown (2 hours away). I loved it but also had resentment because DD would often miss xmas day at our home. One year they asked who wanted to host and I volunteered. Cousin's wife said absolutely not because her son's girlfriends have their family to visit that time as well. Meanwhile, I'm like...but we travel every year!
Last year was the tipping point. My mom, brother, DH and DD attended their party and at one point my cousin's wife (same one above) asked to start taking family photos around the Xmas tree. She literally called her kids, GFs, her nieces, niece's mom and partner to take photos. (Niece's dad was the brother of cousin's wife and he passed long ago). So imagine me sitting right next to the tree while cousins and company all take turns taking photos. They never asked my mom, my brother, or us. It was wild and hurtful. So, now that tradition is gone now and we have we have the excuse being that I moved my mom near me into memory care center.
So no gifts, no gathering with my side of the family. It's now just DH's side which while pleasant, not the same.
Oh man, I had a similar experience with my SIL and MIL. They were doing group photos with all the family, and MIL motioned to me to come over. There's a lot of history there (she didn't want H to marry me) so I was touched she wanted to include me. No, she called me over to take a pic on HER phone for her. It was so embarrassing and hurtful. FIL also tried to kick me out of a family photo at her wedding (H stood up for me that time at least, we were getting married 6 months later).
UGH, sorry you brought back memories.
I had no extended family growing up either, so I get the feelings. I used to get jealous of my friends with big families and big holidays. The holidays are a hard time of year and bring up a lot of these emotions. I'm mostly over it now, I focus on making the holidays great for my kids. But I also stay off social media this time of year because it brings it up again for me.
This is such a hard time of year for so many reasons. I'm sorry you are struggling. We have stopped gift giving among extended family as well and while shopping I saw many things that I thought, oh, so-and-so would like that...oh, that's right, we don't do that anymore. It kind of made me sad but one aunt told me, we don't need anymore junk! Well, ok then, I will not buy you any more junk. Sheesh.
We purchase for my father and his girlfriend (my mom is no longer with us), H's parents, my kids and their girlfriends. Oh, and our dog and my son's dog. Because they are the most important beings around. :-)
We usually purchase for each other, and I got H a PS5 this year (very large purchase for us, we don't typically go that big but I knew he wanted it for quite some time now) but he has been a bit of an ass lately and picking fights for no real reason other than to be an ass. Tensions are high and I honestly don't know if he will get me anything at all (I know he hasn't so far because I do the banking) and have half a mind to tell him not to bother the day before Christmas. But alas, no need to pick yet another fight so we will see what he decides to do.
Post by thebreakfastclub on Dec 20, 2023 12:59:30 GMT -5
I exchange zero gifts with any adults for Christmas or birthdays. We have a very small family, it's just my mom now as my husband's parents are deceased, my brother died this year, and I have limited contact with my dad.
My son is now of the age where he wants cash. We get Amazon gift card for my husband's college-age niece and nephew. My mom has downsized and has no interest in more stuff.
I cannot imagine coming up with a gift list for someone. If I see something I want, I get it. I don't need a stocking with everyday toiletries in it.
I only see the upside to this - save money, zero holiday stress, just hanging out over the holiday is fine with me.
Post by EvieEthelGarland on Dec 20, 2023 12:59:37 GMT -5
I buy for DS, DH, and small gifts for my parents. He buys for me and his aunt. He's an only child and both his parents have passed. I have one childfree sister and we stopped gifts a few years ago. I saw a reel the other day about a sister wanting gifts for her dog since she sends so much to her nieces/nephews and so today I had my dog send my sister's dog a package of treats and toys. She is so generous with my son, I need to step it up for hers.
For a long time, my cousins would host and DH, DD and I would travel on Xmas eve to the family gathering in my hometown (2 hours away). I loved it but also had resentment because DD would often miss xmas day at our home. One year they asked who wanted to host and I volunteered. Cousin's wife said absolutely not because her son's girlfriends have their family to visit that time as well. Meanwhile, I'm like...but we travel every year!
Last year was the tipping point. My mom, brother, DH and DD attended their party and at one point my cousin's wife (same one above) asked to start taking family photos around the Xmas tree. She literally called her kids, GFs, her nieces, niece's mom and partner to take photos. (Niece's dad was the brother of cousin's wife and he passed long ago). So imagine me sitting right next to the tree while cousins and company all take turns taking photos. They never asked my mom, my brother, or us. It was wild and hurtful. So, now that tradition is gone now and we have we have the excuse being that I moved my mom near me into memory care center.
So no gifts, no gathering with my side of the family. It's now just DH's side which while pleasant, not the same.
Oh man, I had a similar experience with my SIL and MIL. They were doing group photos with all the family, and MIL motioned to me to come over. There's a lot of history there (she didn't want H to marry me) so I was touched she wanted to include me. No, she called me over to take a pic on HER phone for her. It was so embarrassing and hurtful. FIL also tried to kick me out of a family photo at her wedding (H stood up for me that time at least, we were getting married 6 months later).
UGH, sorry you brought back memories.
I had no extended family growing up either, so I get the feelings. I used to get jealous of my friends with big families and big holidays. The holidays are a hard time of year and bring up a lot of these emotions. I'm mostly over it now, I focus on making the holidays great for my kids. But I also stay off social media this time of year because it brings it up again for me.
Ugh, why are people like this?? One year I showed up to H's family's large Christmas eve party, and all the women in our generation (SIL and all the female cousins/ cousins in law) were dressed in the same colors except me and one other in-law. They then proceeded to take group photos while me and the other outcast/in-law watched on. I had thought we had a good relationship! It sucked pretty bad.
I don’t do any gift exchanges with any friends and my siblings and I stopped exchanging gifts when we were young adults because the gifts from us actually had to be bought by us and not our parents and we were all broke.
I honestly don’t mind because I find Christmas shopping stressful but I am sorry that you are struggling.
We have cut our gift giving a lot, but still buy for quite a few adults. My side of the family has largely stopped exchanging adult gifts. My sister's family and I went to buying for kids only with maybe an ornament or something edible for the adults. There really aren't other people with kids on MH's side and I think that's why the exchange has made it so long. I buy for my FIL, SIL, one of MH's aunts and uncles, a cousin and his partner that we're especially close with, my BFF and her family. MH and two of his friends exchange small gifts. So 14 people that we purchase for outside of the immediate family.
If someone will be at my house on Christmas Day itself- I also buy them a gift. That's including a SO for one of my girls this year and a few visitors.
I bake for others in my life around the holidays. I like baking- it's less expensive than gifts- and feels more personal.
I enjoy giving (and getting!) gifts, but gladly set it aside temporarily or permanently if it's stressful or has just become a gift card exchange. There are times (teenagers!) that a gift card makes sense. If that's all that ever happens, I think it's best to just enjoy time together without the gift.
Oh man, I had a similar experience with my SIL and MIL. They were doing group photos with all the family, and MIL motioned to me to come over. There's a lot of history there (she didn't want H to marry me) so I was touched she wanted to include me. No, she called me over to take a pic on HER phone for her. It was so embarrassing and hurtful. FIL also tried to kick me out of a family photo at her wedding (H stood up for me that time at least, we were getting married 6 months later).
UGH, sorry you brought back memories.
I had no extended family growing up either, so I get the feelings. I used to get jealous of my friends with big families and big holidays. The holidays are a hard time of year and bring up a lot of these emotions. I'm mostly over it now, I focus on making the holidays great for my kids. But I also stay off social media this time of year because it brings it up again for me.
Ugh, why are people like this?? One year I showed up to H's family's large Christmas eve party, and all the women in our generation (SIL and all the female cousins/ cousins in law) were dressed in the same colors except me and one other in-law. They then proceeded to take group photos while me and the other outcast/in-law watched on. I had thought we had a good relationship! It sucked pretty bad.
jinkies,noodleoo, It's the worst. I'm sorry both of you experienced something similar. Family can be so passively aggressively cruel. I assume they can't relate to me because I left our hometown for college and never came back while all of my cousins still live there and are their own big fish in a little pond.
Post by litskispeciality on Dec 20, 2023 13:24:08 GMT -5
Ugh OP. My DH's sister is like that. She used to host Thanksgiving and Christmas. Sometimes she invited DH and I, sometimes she didn't. Last year after she ruined a 50th birthday weekend over Thanksgiving she didn't have any of her family, including her parents over for Christmas. She did however host "her family" (friends and co-workers) for a big celebration including matching PJ's, a million pictures and lots of posts "I love my family, we're always here for each other, blah blah". It really stung even if I'd be happy never seeing her again. A lot of her siblings/family were hurt. There's been a big divide with that sister ever since, a lot of which we think is her bad controlling husband. I'm mad at your family on your behalf.
Not many. DH and I exchange gifts and we buy for DD, SIL, niece and our moms.
I have pretty complicated feelings about it. On one hand gifting is expensive and no one should feel obligated to buy for others. On the other hand I think you should meet loved ones where they are and not just dismiss gifting as consumerism when it’s something important to someone you love.
My mom, DH, and DD have all been anti Christmas the last few years and honestly it’s making me dread December. I love the traditions of baking, looking at lights, and shopping for loved ones. DH only cares about a good meal with family. Same with my mom. DD only likes the baking. It’s hard.
Ugh OP. My DH's sister is like that. She used to host Thanksgiving and Christmas. Sometimes she invited DH and I, sometimes she didn't. Last year after she ruined a 50th birthday weekend over Thanksgiving she didn't have any of her family, including her parents over for Christmas. She did however host "her family" (friends and co-workers) for a big celebration including matching PJ's, a million pictures and lots of posts "I love my family, we're always here for each other, blah blah". It really stung even if I'd be happy never seeing her again. A lot of her siblings/family were hurt. There's been a big divide with that sister ever since, a lot of which we think is her bad controlling husband. I'm mad at your family on your behalf.
That's terrible. I'm sorry your SIL is like that and that a lot of your family and her family is hurting.
Post by georgeharrison on Dec 20, 2023 13:40:21 GMT -5
I give a small something to my sister, a medium sized thing to my parents, and I have ONE friend that I send smallish gifts to. We do a dirty santa on Christmas night with a $15 limit.
My husband and I buy for each other. Our son (18) usually buys us a gift each. My husband and I spend way too much and buy way too many things for our son. We also buy for the dogs.
Post by rootbeerfloat on Dec 20, 2023 13:53:35 GMT -5
We buy for our moms (dads are both deceased). On H's side, we buy for his 2 siblings and their spouses, plus 1 (adult) niece. On my side, my sister and I buy for the kids (2 each) and dogs; adults don't exchange.
I send gifts to BFF and her kids (until they go to college). I also do a white elephant exchange at work.
I like giving and receiving gifts, but it is also stressful. When my sister and I stopped shopping for each other, we thought we'd feel sad about it and miss getting "good" gifts, but it's been fine. (We also lowered expectations for birthdays; we exchange simple things like plants, which we both appreciate. And we don't buy for the other's spouse as our husbands don't care at all about gifts.)
I exchange actual gifts with my mom and FIL, and participate in a white elephant exchange with the adult cousins/SOs who get together for Christmas or Christmas Eve, so 3 people/gifts as far as extended family goes. I don't exchange gifts with any friends, we try to get together for a brunch or dinner over the holidays and that's our gifts to each other. The only other exchange is a Secret Santa for my office. So, 4 people total for me, plus my husband, dog and then some gifts for those in need from a local program that I volunteer with.
I am sorry this is making you sad. It would be my dream reality because gifts are NOT my love language. Most adults have everything they need, so I feel like exchanging is pointless especially if it is just mailing checks back and forth to each other which we tended to do for birthdays.
We exchange with MIL, FIL, and my mom. I send stuff for my sister's kids which I haven't done yet, but need to send gift cards. They are older teens. I don't exchange with SIL, my sister, or 2 BILs. DH doesn't get along with his siblings, and when I sent stuff for SIL's step kid, I got no answer. When step kid comes to the area with his dad, we were rudely told by SIL that they would not see us of course, and that they would only see his parents. So obviously, I guess there is no interest in fostering their cousin relationship. My sister and I agreed not to exchange, but we do birthdays usually.
DD had 2 gift exchanges through soccer and girl scouts. I used to have a list of 40 people, many of those were gift cards for daycare workers etc. So I don't buy for them anymore since my kids are older, and that is nice. I don't buy for teachers or co-workers.
Post by pinkdutchtulips on Dec 20, 2023 14:07:38 GMT -5
I buy for my siblings families (1 BIG present for each family) - 4 and my dad/stepmom (1) Small items for J's dad/stepmom (2), mom/her bf (2), his brother and his wife (1), his nephews (5), his sister (1)
I don't buy for extended family other than a christmas card w a quick note. I don't participate in any gift exchanges unless its a work related white elephant.
I take full advantage of the fact that Christmas goes through 1/6 bc everything for my family has to be shipped somewhere as no one is local.
I think less gifts are being exchanged because no one is putting up with the family drama of the 90s. No more annoying aunt/uncle over for the holidays just because they're family.
We do gifts for us and E. We get something for my parents because they are immensely helpful.
I do a calendar and a consumable for MIL, FIL, and then BIL just gets food (he doesn't want a calendar of my kid).
Post by cherry1111 on Dec 20, 2023 14:14:24 GMT -5
Our parents (4) and our nieces and nephew (7). Plus DH and I each draw a name among the siblings/spouses on one side of the family (2). Plus teachers and bus driver but I just do gift cards for them.
One spouse in the name draw wanted to expand it to each family buy for everyone so it would have gone from 2 gifts to 4 each family. I feel bad because I know her love language is gifts and she is an amazing gift giver. But half of the people in this exchange already just give a gift card and I personally wish we would just cut it out all together. So keeping it the way it is was the best compromise.