Nuclear family: My husband and I. (No kids) My family: My parents, my sister. (All adults, no kids) His family: His parents, two brothers, two SILs. (All adults, no kids)
We buy a gift for MIL and that’s it. Well, unless you count a white elephant gift for my work and a toys for tots gift, but I don’t really consider those gift “exchanges.”
H and I both come from huge families with lots of nephews and nieces (and grands, now), so buying beyond our kids and parents was not an option. I wouldn’t mind pulling names, but I’d be afraid to get his Trumpster brother, who I ignore when we visit.
I'd like to not give adult gifts at all but this year I bought for my mom, my brother/SIL, my aunt, my cousin's two kids (who I consider my nieces) and my BFF (my son's godmother) and her child, as well as my son and husband. I MIGHT buy something small for my cousin. My husband handles the ILs and his godmother. But I consider all those people immediate family, so I guess the answer is none.
We exchange with our parents and niece/nephews (7 people). We did grandparents too (2) but I lost my grandma this year and I put H in charge of his grandpa, so I don't know what's happening there. I do gifts with a small group of friends (3). Sometimes I give to other friends' kids as well depending on what's going on, but not this year. There is a Yankee swap happening at a friend's holiday party this week, but I'm not participating.
On years we see extended family I will get gifts for my cousin's kids as well (2 this year).
So 13 gifts outside of my immediate family this year. The gift exchange with my friends is kind of $$ and stressful, but they are also some of my favorite gifts to receive so I'm hesitant to drop it! I keep thinking I want to add in gifts for other friends as well, but that feels like too much.
In the last two years of my dad's side of the family xmas exchange, I got the best gift from the same person. It was my nephew's wife and she got two fun thoughtful gifts. They were out of the box ideas and you knew she took time to do some research on what I love.
Thanks for sharing!
I was re-reading your OP. What about a nice hostess gift for the host of the party since they said the gift exchange was too late? That way you are still buying a gift but with no expectation of anything in return.
We only bought presents for our son this year. My partner and I get each other an ornament every year. Some years we also exchange 1-2 gifts with each other, but we decided not to this year. Grandparents get gifts for our son, but we don't buy anything for adults.
I have never been a gift giving/receiving person, so this is fine with me. What I have always enjoyed most about the holidays is getting to see family and enjoy food together. I have never had local family, so the holidays are unique in that sense for me. Are there are other things about the holidays that you enjoy that you can focus on and dedicate the time/energy you previously spent on gifts towards those?
For a long time, my cousins would host and DH, DD and I would travel on Xmas eve to the family gathering in my hometown (2 hours away). I loved it but also had resentment because DD would often miss xmas day at our home. One year they asked who wanted to host and I volunteered. Cousin's wife said absolutely not because her son's girlfriends have their family to visit that time as well. Meanwhile, I'm like...but we travel every year!
Last year was the tipping point. My mom, brother, DH and DD attended their party and at one point my cousin's wife (same one above) asked to start taking family photos around the Xmas tree. She literally called her kids, GFs, her nieces, niece's mom and partner to take photos. (Niece's dad was the brother of cousin's wife and he passed long ago). So imagine me sitting right next to the tree while cousins and company all take turns taking photos. They never asked my mom, my brother, or us. It was wild and hurtful. So, now that tradition is gone now and we have we have the excuse being that I moved my mom near me into memory care center.
So no gifts, no gathering with my side of the family. It's now just DH's side which while pleasant, not the same.
I'm sorry, that sounds difficult and really hurtful! It sounds like your feelings are only partially about the reduced gifts, and partially about not being able to celebrate in ways that you used to and enjoyed. I didn't necessarily mean that you need to focus on gathering family together. As a child of immigrants, I actually have very rarely seen extended family during the holidays ... growing up, Christmas was almost always just my parents, my brother, and me, but it was still special to get to spend time together as a family of four. Now, I enjoy seeing extended family, but who we see varies, and it's rarely a particularly big group. Last year, my BIL and SIL visited us. This year, we'll see my parents, brother, SIL, nephew, and niece.
What I meant was to think about what you enjoy most about the holidays. If it's spending time with loved ones, can you invite over family and friends you want to see? If it's taking yearly holiday photos, can you just start doing that with your DH and DD? If it's exchanging gifts, can you find a group of friends who might want to do a small exchange? While I don't particularly derive a ton of joy from gift giving, if a friend told me she missed gift exchanges, I would happily participate! Or maybe there are other small traditions you can start with your DH and DD, or with friends. Making a particular dish together, going to see holiday lights, volunteering somewhere together, etc. Basically, make the holidays into something you enjoy and look forward to, so you're less likely to focus on what you miss about previous years.
I love exchanging gifts when there's some thought behind it. I don't like the obligation to purchase gifts because you should. That being said...
I exchange with DH, my mom, my dad and his wife (I have to give them a list and they don't need anything except gift cards), my two best friends, BIL, SIL, 1 nephew, 2 nieces, and I get something small for each of my aunts(4). This year we are doing a white elephant at my dad's. And we do a favorite things gift exchange with our bunco group.
I'm excited this year because I found some things that everyone will really like ( I hope!). Some years it just feels like obligation.
We exchange gifts with each other, and C. We’re working on C picking out gifts for the other parent, but he’s 9 so it’s slow going.
H and I each only have one sibling, and each is married with two kids. So we buy for our siblings and their spouses (usually couples-gifts) and for our niece and nephews. Oldest nephew is now 18 and no longer living at home, but has a long-time girlfriend who we have met several times so if they’re still together next year we will probably buy her a small gift (or them a couples-gift).
And we buy for our parents.
Thats it. We don’t exchange with any friends. It’s manageable.
I really enjoy buying gifts for people most of the time (less so at the holidays when I feel like I have to/make sure everything is fair).
I don't really care if the recipients give me gifts. It's more the seeing something that makes me think of someone and then sending it to them that makes me happy. Often I'll give a gift to a friend one year because I am seeing them in person or saw an item that I thought they would like, but then not the next year, and then back again.
If it makes you happy to give gifts, then I would still do it! Regardless of whether you're officially exchanging.
I buy for my parents and niece/nephew, spending about $50 total. My mom asks me for a list and buys me something about $20 off of it.
There was a time this bummed me out, so I budgeted $200 to treat myself to something each December during black Friday sales I wouldn't usually buy. This included things like a nice blender, a pre-paid massage, noise cancelling headphones, and a tablet. This year I couldn't think of anything exciting so I'll just see friends and family.
For years we gave to DH’s nieces and nephews and now they are all firmly into their 20s we have stopped. On my side we still have young nieces so we give to them. I give to my sibling and parents. DH usually goes in on something for his mom organized by his sisters. I give to a few close friends. If I see something I know one of my girlfriends will love I’ll grab it and try to save it for the holidays. Usually I can’t wait and give throughout the year. If I can’t think of something you’ll love I’ll probably ask to take you out to eat. I hate giving a gift just because it’s that time of year.
Post by cricketwife on Dec 20, 2023 15:57:26 GMT -5
We only buy for our household as well as my mother, but she has Alzheimer’s and I handle all of her affairs, so it still feels like my household.
I’m sorry you are struggling. Gifts used to be my love language, but I feel like that has changed for me personally as I’ve gotten older. My H is a terrible gift giver. I mean, I love him dearly, but he is just bad at it. I don’t buy myself presents, but I have been picking up treats for myself when I’ve been out buying for the rest of the family and for me it’s helped me feel more in the holiday spirit.
For a long time, my cousins would host and DH, DD and I would travel on Xmas eve to the family gathering in my hometown (2 hours away). I loved it but also had resentment because DD would often miss xmas day at our home. One year they asked who wanted to host and I volunteered. Cousin's wife said absolutely not because her son's girlfriends have their family to visit that time as well. Meanwhile, I'm like...but we travel every year!
Last year was the tipping point. My mom, brother, DH and DD attended their party and at one point my cousin's wife (same one above) asked to start taking family photos around the Xmas tree. She literally called her kids, GFs, her nieces, niece's mom and partner to take photos. (Niece's dad was the brother of cousin's wife and he passed long ago). So imagine me sitting right next to the tree while cousins and company all take turns taking photos. They never asked my mom, my brother, or us. It was wild and hurtful. So, now that tradition is gone now and we have we have the excuse being that I moved my mom near me into memory care center.
So no gifts, no gathering with my side of the family. It's now just DH's side which while pleasant, not the same.
I'm sorry, that sounds difficult and really hurtful! It sounds like your feelings are only partially about the reduced gifts, and partially about not being able to celebrate in ways that you used to and enjoyed. I didn't necessarily mean that you need to focus on gathering family together. As a child of immigrants, I actually have very rarely seen extended family during the holidays ... growing up, Christmas was almost always just my parents, my brother, and me, but it was still special to get to spend time together as a family of four. Now, I enjoy seeing extended family, but who we see varies, and it's rarely a particularly big group. Last year, my BIL and SIL visited us. This year, we'll see my parents, brother, SIL, nephew, and niece.
What I meant was to think about what you enjoy most about the holidays. If it's spending time with loved ones, can you invite over family and friends you want to see? If it's taking yearly holiday photos, can you just start doing that with your DH and DD? If it's exchanging gifts, can you find a group of friends who might want to do a small exchange? While I don't particularly derive a ton of joy from gift giving, if a friend told me she missed gift exchanges, I would happily participate! Or maybe there are other small traditions you can start with your DH and DD, or with friends. Making a particular dish together, going to see holiday lights, volunteering somewhere together, etc. Basically, make the holidays into something you enjoy and look forward to, so you're less likely to focus on what you miss about previous years.
Thanks, rhian. It's rooted in a lot decades of feeling left out of the family. My parents divorced when I was young and back in the 80s it still had this stigma of failure. Everything changed so much so quickly so it's hard to take it all in.
It's pretty established that friends are out of town for xmas and making plans is impossible, however, every year I try to make a point to having people over for New Years for a game night. I may try this again and see where people are at. The only hard part is we drive back from MN on the the 31st so it may be a long day. Maybe the next weekend in January!?
I've also shifted my focus on things I love...making an amazing meal. I plan to make prime rib and all the delicious sides. I also make this berry french toast bake and my daughter loves. Cooking for my family makes me happy.
I exchange with my dad, stepmom, sister and her husband - but we decided years ago to stop doing “gifts” and instead we exchange books. My husband buys stuff for his parents. All the grandparents give something to the kids but just one gift.
My brother in law passed away a few years ago so I always send a big stocking of stuff to my sister in law, and a family gift (usually food things) for her and my niece/nephew. She usually sends stuff for our kids but some years doesn’t - she’s got a lot going on so I’m don’t expect it!
I have a group of friends that we do a “favorite things” guff exchange at a dinner out each Christmas.
I think that’s it - it all feels very maneagable
I buy for my mom, so I guess 1 other person? She is also the only person who gives me a gift. I am married w/2 kids but we don't do gifts for the adults here.
Post by emilyinchile on Dec 20, 2023 22:23:59 GMT -5
In a normal year it's 1 gift for whoever is my secret Santa among the ILs plus a gift each for my dad and stepmom, so 3 total for adults, plus the 3 (used to be 2) nieces and nephews. This year since we're going to be in England for Christmas we're buying for an additional 4 kids to cover the nieces and nephews there.
We give gifts to my nephews and niece, sometimes our siblings and their significant others, sometimes not, and to our parents. Usually the parents but not always. I don't have any friends I buy gifts for anymore at this point. I don't buy anything for my (or DH's) aunts, uncles or cousins. I don't participate in any Secret Santas at work. It's a very short list these days but it makes life easier.
I still send out holiday cards, which are one of my love languages. I love sending and receiving them. I'm single AF with no nieces, nephews, or niblings. My sibling and I stopped exchanging gift cards years ago. My dad "doesn't want anything" but gets all huffy if he doesn't get something...but he hates "stuff" and doesn't leave the house much. In return I receive nothing; my dad doesn't shop. Period (except for groceries and necessities....and books).
I exchange gifts with 3-4 friends (varies year to year). Also the odd white elephant at a party.
I tend to give more to local and hyper-local charities near me this time of year or buy things that are needed by those in my local community. I also make sure to buy myself a few things or stuff that's needed on Black Friday/Cyber Monday/all the sales. Otherwise I'd get nothing
Post by mountaingirl on Dec 21, 2023 0:21:49 GMT -5
I was just thinking about this tonight. Nothing. Nothing from extended family or friends anymore. A few years ago a friend gave me a gift but has not since.
Post by mrsukyankee on Dec 21, 2023 5:05:58 GMT -5
We've never been a big present family. I pretty much just buy for my nephew (17) and niece (15). We usually treat my parents to a big dinner or an experience when we see them in the US and that's our present to them for everything. They do the same for us.
Post by honeydew1894 on Dec 21, 2023 5:36:42 GMT -5
I really enjoy exchanging gifts, but I can see how it can be stressful. I buy for our two kids. We have 8 nieces and nephews whom we buy/give $50 to. For my family, we do a secret Santa by couples, with a $100 budget. We don't exchange with DH's family, but I make photo books for both sets of parents. This year I a giving away items I have made--bread, muddy buddies, etc. to some work friends and neighbors. It gives me joy and it is a low energy pursuit, for me.
Not many anymore. Each other, my parents, H's Dad, our son, and the 4 nieces/nephews.
We used to exchange with our siblings, but we (H & I) were finally able to give that up. Part of it was that we would send gifts to them, and sometimes they sent gifts late or not at all or totally ridiculous things (one year my brother gave H a machete). There was some drama in stopping the exchange with my brother, but it's better now.
H takes care of his dad and his brother's kids, and I do my parents and my brother's kids. For my parents, I have a set gift list (e.g. we buy their Amazon prime membership for the year & wrap a puzzle).
My biggest issue with the holiday season is that I just don't give a shit. At this point, it takes every ounce of willpower I have to put the ornaments on the tree and wrap the gifts. For the last several years, I have had the worst attitude on Earth. Bah humbug and all that. My birthday is 15 days before Christmas, and all of my family's (gift-giving) holidays, save my son's birthday, are within a 7 week period. It legit reads as a part-time job, and although I love gift-giving, it has just become something in which I really struggle to find the joy.
I was reading an article on some social media blog last week that was talking about "Don't forget about Mom's stocking" and I just broke down bawling. My stocking is empty on the regular, and it just was a confirmation of my malaise about gift-giving: that I spend a lot of time, money and mental energy finding, buying, wrapping things that I know my family will love, to end up with not a lot of reciprocation. I am the best gift-giver I know (confirmed by many), because I put effort into knowing/appreciating the people that I am buying for. And when that care isn't returned, I feel sad. It's not about the gift itself (I actually don't care about stuff), it's about everything leading up to the gift(s) being exchanged.
We exchange gifts with MIL, BIL/SIL, Niece, my parents, my three brothers and two of their partners, my nephew, and my 3 best friends. It used to be 4 more people but DH had a falling out with his BFF (H of my closest BFF) so now we don't exchange with their full family.
Post by arehopsveggies on Dec 21, 2023 11:17:24 GMT -5
DH’s family- 7 adults and one kid
My family draws names for adults so 2 adults and then two kids
Friends- I did a bigger gift for my bestie and one kid’s bestie. Really because she likes giving gifts and I don’t want to not gift back? Plus something small for teammates and the sped aides in my classroom.
Teacher gifts - two main teachers and an aide
All of my/DH’s grandparents- I’ve mostly been doing homemade things from the kids. I’m not sure that’s easier or less time consuming for me though
We only gift to immediate family, and gift our parents, small practical gifts. None of them are in the “accumulation” phase of their lives and are trying to reduce the amount of superfluous things they have. We don’t speak to my brother in law or their family at all, but exchange gift cards every year at Christmas (seems like a waste of time).
We did a white elephant at work and it was terrible (I brought a nice blanket and left with cheap gummy candies). Most of the gift options truly sucked and I am not that picky.
I do wish we had nieces or nephews or little kids in general for our kids to play with, that makes me regularly sad we don’t. I just make an extra effort with friends with kids.
One idea- what about adopting a family in need? That way you can buy for others and not have the stress that comes with some family events.
Thanks, rhian . It's rooted in a lot decades of feeling left out of the family. My parents divorced when I was young and back in the 80s it still had this stigma of failure. Everything changed so much so quickly so it's hard to take it all in.
It's pretty established that friends are out of town for xmas and making plans is impossible, however, every year I try to make a point to having people over for New Years for a game night. I may try this again and see where people are at. The only hard part is we drive back from MN on the the 31st so it may be a long day. Maybe the next weekend in January!?
I've also shifted my focus on things I love...making an amazing meal. I plan to make prime rib and all the delicious sides. I also make this berry french toast bake and my daughter loves. Cooking for my family makes me happy.
My bff and I decided this year to stop trying to force a holiday get together and plan something for the 2nd or 3rd weekend in January. It's far enough past the holidays that our schedules are clear and it's when the worst of the winter blues settle in so it will be nice to have something to look forward to. I'm already really excited about it and it made our busy December weekends a little less stressful.
Post by wanderlustmom on Dec 23, 2023 8:45:29 GMT -5
I hear what you mean. You could check with some people about adding back exchanges if that means a lot to you or just pick up a gift for some people as the year goes on.
DHs family is small so we get a present for his mom and one niece and nephew. I sometimes pick up something for his sister and I sometimes don’t.
My family is huge so I buy for my dad and strep mom and we have a family secret Santa we do for all of the siblings and nieces and nephews. That helps a lot. We also have a big family party with a white elephant that’s optional. About half participate and half just watch.
I buy for my husband, two teenagers, my best friend (or we sometimes choose not to exchange and go out to dinner) my god daughter.
We only buy gifts for our kids and our nieces/nephews (6 kids). We used to exchange with H's siblings, but we were sending each other gift cards so it seemed pointless. When his brother had a kid we dropped adult gifts. H and I only exchange token gifts or if we have a really good idea for each other. Otherwise we just buy what we want when we want/need it, which is way easier anyway.
I'm sorry it makes you sad, but I would try not to take it personally. Gift giving for adults is a lot of work and I would try not to equate gifts with love. That's part of what drives the over consumerism in the US and if you think about it, it is really wasteful and hard on the planet too. As jinkies said, I will use the holidays to treat myself and I think it is better to buy myself something I really want than to get stuff I don't want from other people.
This is us, almost exactly. It is not my love language at all, so Christmas is stressful for me. It’s not even the money anymore (it used to be) just the thought that I feel should go into it. It takes so much energy. So even the nieces/nephews get gift cards. My kids do still get “stuff” but as they age, that’s changing too.
DD and I had an interesting conversation about this yesterday. She went to a sleepover and they did a secret Santa. But also “gag gift” type thing that but she thought was wasteful. Her love language IS giving, but she also recognizes that it’s dumb to buy “stuff” just for the sake of buying something.
I explained to her that’s how I felt and why I asked all the adults in our life to stop exchanging because it was either gift cards back and forth or stuff I had no intention of using. If I want something, I’ll buy it. No one we’d exchange with knows me well enough to know what I’d like or need without a list, and then that’s more energy I’ve put in to think of something.
BUT I also grapple with just because it’s not MY love language, is that fair to take it away from someone whose it is? It adds stress to me to give/receive but it can obviously add stress to those that aren’t given that opportunity. I never thought about it like that until yesterday with her and now this post.
But for those that feel hurt, I imagine it’s not intentionally to hurt you or from a place of not caring. Think of it as more of the other person practicing self care for themselves. Maybe this is one of those situations that a deep conversation should be held? I know it sounds dreadful, but I do think that would be the only way to an amicable resolve.