How many gifts do you exchange with extended family/friends?

[silva]

Bear with me as I explain.  I was reflecting on this with my therapist about how slowly Christmas gift exchanges with my friends and family have dwindled to nothing and I feel sad about it.

I recall being in college/young adult, I bought for my god-parents, nieces and nephews and participated in the random white elephant gift exchange with friends. 

Now, literally this year, I didn't buy for anyone other than my husband and DD.  DH will be giving gifts to his nephews who have young kids, but that's it. We used to have an extended family gift exchange with my dad's side of the family and this year the organizer forgot and reached out this week to see if we wanted to try to do it this year. The responses that came in stated it was too late. 

I associate this with underlying feeling of rejection (toxic family history) and my therapist said it's more common than I think. We worked with flipping it with..."I get to spend money on what I want. I'm gifting myself on the things I want and love. I'm avoiding the pressure of trying to find gifts for others too."

One on hand, YES! We got some amazing things I wanted and I have zero stress with gift giving. But on the other hand, it's that "love language" I'm missing of people showing they are thinking about me during the holiday.

Does that make sense?

So...I ask. How many people outside of your family (spouse, children) do you buy for and how many gift exchanges do you participate in?

[jinkies]

I'm sorry you are struggling. I think it's very common to not exchange outside of your immediately family.

I receive gifts from my parents, mother in law, and something small from my brother. Those are the only gifts I get-- H and I don't exchange. Years ago we used to have a cousins gift exchange with H's side of the family, and I also used to give gifts to a couple high school friends, but I honestly really struggled with all of it and was so glad when we stopped.

I am not a natural gift giver and gift exchanges are really stressful for me. It's not a reflection on how much I like the people involved, it's more a reflection on my absolute inability to juggle the part-time job that is Christmas prep while also maintaining all my regular life-stuff.

I think that the way your therapist is framing it is very helpful. As I've cut out more and more gift giving over the years, I started shopping for myself at Christmas and buying myself some things that I wouldn't normally treat myself to. It's been a really lovely exercise in self care and has helped me feel more appreciated in the work I put in for the my family at Christmas.

[pandorica]

We exchange with our parents and niece/nephews (7 people). We did grandparents too (2) but I lost my grandma this year and I put H in charge of his grandpa, so I don't know what's happening there. I do gifts with a small group of friends (3). Sometimes I give to other friends' kids as well depending on what's going on, but not this year. There is a Yankee swap happening at a friend's holiday party this week, but I'm not participating.

On years we see extended family I will get gifts for my cousin's kids as well (2 this year).

So 13 gifts outside of my immediate family this year. The gift exchange with my friends is kind of $$ and stressful, but they are also some of my favorite gifts to receive so I'm hesitant to drop it! I keep thinking I want to add in gifts for other friends as well, but that feels like too much.

[silva]

jinkies, thanks for sharing your perspective. Feeling like it's a part-time job makes total sense.

[eddy]

We still buy for our parents, siblings and niece/nephew. We don't blow the budget, but it is nice to buy something thoughtful. I find backing off of feeling the pressure to buy an expensive item makes it easier. Like my sister just sent me a whole bunch of random lotions etc from local places around her. I loved it. 

On the other hand my dad hasn't gotten me a birthday gift or even card for a couple years now. That hurts my feelings to not matter enough for him to think of me. I don't need anything and financially I am better off than him. But I do equate gifts with caring so I totally get where you are coming from with the feeling empty about not buying more.

Holidays bring up so many complicated feelings as adults!

[CurlyQ284]

Other than our household we buy for my parents, ILs, and my niece and nephew (my brother's kids). Hs siblings don't have kids. We all live far apart. A bunch of Hs extended family all live in the same county about 12 hours from us, they get together and do a White Elephant exchange for the adults and a separate one for the kids, but some of them have started moving away so I'm not even sure if they do it anymore.

I don't really feel sad about it, it would be SO MUCH MONEY if we bought for everyone.

[sugarbear1]

I buy for my two children, my boyfriend, my parents, secret Santa at work, someone from the giving tree (also through work). Gifts are definitely a love language for me but my extended family has been through a lot of upheaval in the last two years and we are now fractured-- I have two sisters who cannot be in the same room together. It is heartbreaking with no resolution, so it's really changed the way we do holidays. I'm sad about that, but relieved that there's no longer any pressure to buy for all of my nieces and nephews-- and also that my kids won't be getting more stuff. They have plenty.

This year, I did buy something for one nephew (a gag gift that I knew he would love) and had dinner with them last night. I bought something for his brother only for the sake of equity, and told my SIL very clearly that this was a one-off and there is zero expectation of reciprocity.

[silva]

Dec 20, 2023 11:22:42 GMT -5 pandorica said:

We exchange with our parents and niece/nephews (7 people). We did grandparents too (2) but I lost my grandma this year and I put H in charge of his grandpa, so I don't know what's happening there. I do gifts with a small group of friends (3). Sometimes I give to other friends' kids as well depending on what's going on, but not this year. There is a Yankee swap happening at a friend's holiday party this week, but I'm not participating.

On years we see extended family I will get gifts for my cousin's kids as well (2 this year).

So 13 gifts outside of my immediate family this year. The gift exchange with my friends is kind of $$ and stressful, but they are also some of my favorite gifts to receive so I'm hesitant to drop it! I keep thinking I want to add in gifts for other friends as well, but that feels like too much.

In the last two years of my dad's side of the family xmas exchange, I got the best gift from the same person. It was my nephew's wife and she got two fun thoughtful gifts. They were out of the box ideas and you knew she took time to do some research on what I love.


Thanks for sharing! 

[fortnightlily]

My parents come over on Christmas Day, so we exchange with them. My Aunt & Uncle are also coming. In past years we've exchanged gifts with them, but I told them I was fine skipping adult gifts if they were and they're just bringing something for my son.

We do a later-in-the-week gathering out of town with DH's family. We bought items for the extended group of nieces/nephews but we mostly skip the adults. DH also has something small "from" DS to give to his godparents.

I've never done a gift exchange or a holiday gathering with friends.

I don't want to suck the joy out of the holiday, and I know for kids getting gifts is a big part of that joy, but DS just gets so much each time for his birthday and Christmas that he's easily spoiled and I'm easily overwhelmed with the amount of stuff in my house.

[gerberdaisy]

In our extended family we are trying to figure out how to cut back. Outside immediate family we buy for parents, one uncle, my sibling and nieces and nephews. Now that there are 10 grandchildren, its getting to be a lot for everyone. On my side of the family we used to do a gift exchange, but (i'm glad) we cut that this year and I just bought for my counsins children.

I agree that it feels like a part time job and for me its very stressful. I love the idea of gift giving, but have such a difficult time with finding the "perfect" gift, and feel like its not enough most years. I would be happy to cut back and focus on ourselves more.

[rhian]

We only bought presents for our son this year. My partner and I get each other an ornament every year. Some years we also exchange 1-2 gifts with each other, but we decided not to this year. Grandparents get gifts for our son, but we don't buy anything for adults.

I have never been a gift giving/receiving person, so this is fine with me. What I have always enjoyed most about the holidays is getting to see family and enjoy food together. I have never had local family, so the holidays are unique in that sense for me. Are there are other things about the holidays that you enjoy that you can focus on and dedicate the time/energy you previously spent on gifts towards those?

[NewGirlNic]

We buy for H's parents (divorced, so 2 sets) and mine. This is usually a restaurant or experience type gift card

Between the 2 of us we have 10 nieces and nephews (mostly H's side... I only have 2). We buy for all of them. $20-$25 gifts for H's side since there are so many. My nieces we spend a bit more since one is our goddaughter and we are very close with them. 

We stopped buying for our siblings a while back, once everyone had kids. With my brother and SIL we were always exchanging gift cards for restaurants, so we decided to just plan a nice dinner out the 4 of us each year. We usually go in mid/late January once the holiday chaos is done. It's nice to have that to look forward to. 

My grandma, who at 93 is so hard to buy for. The last 10+ years I've made her a photo calendar (also give one to my parents)

We do a gift exchange with our friend group. One for the adults and one for the kids. The adults we do a white elephant and the kids we draw names and each kid gives/gets a gift. 

My dad's side we do a Christmas brunch white elephant exchange with all his cousins. My dad is an only child, but my gram is one of 9 so he has lots of cousins. My mom usually hosts and it's the adult women cousins, wives of the male cousins and the adult female children (me, my SIL and a few others). This year I think we had 22 people. 

[wildrice]

I buy for my parents and my sister's two kids. This year I added back in my two sisters and BIL, but we haven't done that in several years. I also used to buy for my grandma but she isn't really allowed to keep stuff around anymore so I stopped.

So - three to six people I guess? I honestly don't want to do more. Sometimes work white elephant type exchanges are fun, but other times I've ended up with junk I really don't want or need so I would rather just skip that.

[silva]

Dec 20, 2023 11:26:55 GMT -5 eddy said:

We still buy for our parents, siblings and niece/nephew. We don't blow the budget, but it is nice to buy something thoughtful. I find backing off of feeling the pressure to buy an expensive item makes it easier. Like my sister just sent me a whole bunch of random lotions etc from local places around her. I loved it. 

On the other hand my dad hasn't gotten me a birthday gift or even card for a couple years now. That hurts my feelings to not matter enough for him to think of me. I don't need anything and financially I am better off than him. But I do equate gifts with caring so I totally get where you are coming from with the feeling empty about not buying more.

Holidays bring up so many complicated feelings as adults!

Thanks for sharing, eddy. I appreciate you sharing about your dad. It's deep for me with my dad too being a child of divorce. Complicated feelings for sure.

[quesyrah]

We give gifts to my niece and nephew and that’s it.

Gift giving/receiving is not my nor DH’s thing so it’s not something either of us really enjoy. It had gotten to the point where we felt obligated to find something just to give to people.

We are pretty minimalist so that’s a factor too. We just don’t want or need anymore stuff and feel the same about others. Unless we know someone is going to love something, we’re just giving them stuff for the sake of giving them stuff.

For our kids, they don’t get physical gifts, they get an experience or trip so I tried switching to that as well for the people we used to buy for and they all hated it. So we stopped giving and asked people to stop giving to us as well and just spend time together.

[fn2187]

I feel the same way. But in my family we exchange with around 15-20 people and I know how ridiculous that is. Most are kids so in return I get around 5 gifts. Those kids won’t be kids for long and many in my family are elderly so I do see a drastic change in the future. At that point, I plan to buy a small gift for a few friends (we don’t exchange now) and focus on giving to a foster family or family in need. I find the shopping for others a lot of fun (buy yes, hard work too), but it really does make me happy. I recently started gifting to 3 neighbors as well. At least I’ll be able to continue that.

[deadwing]

Zero.

I have stopped exchanging with my parents. Exchanges with extended family stopped years ago. No siblings/cousins/in-laws.

I will shop sales at this time of year for things I need for myself or the dogs. I also will buy a small gift for someone if I come across something I think they would enjoy. This could be any time of year though. Recently I bought a good friend a hot chocolate bomb from a local chocolatier. That kind of thing.

[wanderingback]

I am participating in a work gift exchange and that’s it.
Otherwise I don’t buy for anyone else (not even my partner or child).
My mom insists on still getting me a present even though I’ve told her every year not too, so she’s the only one I’m expecting to get a gift from.

I’m 100% ok with this as I don’t like "stuff" and buy things as needed when I need them and spending time with loved ones is what I enjoy more.

[pandorica]

Dec 20, 2023 11:31:03 GMT -5 silva said:

Dec 20, 2023 11:22:42 GMT -5 pandorica said:

We exchange with our parents and niece/nephews (7 people). We did grandparents too (2) but I lost my grandma this year and I put H in charge of his grandpa, so I don't know what's happening there. I do gifts with a small group of friends (3). Sometimes I give to other friends' kids as well depending on what's going on, but not this year. There is a Yankee swap happening at a friend's holiday party this week, but I'm not participating.

On years we see extended family I will get gifts for my cousin's kids as well (2 this year).

So 13 gifts outside of my immediate family this year. The gift exchange with my friends is kind of $$ and stressful, but they are also some of my favorite gifts to receive so I'm hesitant to drop it! I keep thinking I want to add in gifts for other friends as well, but that feels like too much.

In the last two years of my dad's side of the family xmas exchange, I got the best gift from the same person. It was my nephew's wife and she got two fun thoughtful gifts. They were out of the box ideas and you knew she took time to do some research on what I love.


Thanks for sharing! 

One of my friends is like that! She gets us all highly individualized gifts. It's really her love language and she's so good at it. I just mostly find gifting stressful because it is NOT something I'm inherently good at.
I'm sorry you're having a tough time with it this year.

[noodleoo]

We only buy gifts for our kids and our nieces/nephews (6 kids). We used to exchange with H's siblings, but we were sending each other gift cards so it seemed pointless. When his brother had a kid we dropped adult gifts. H and I only exchange token gifts or if we have a really good idea for each other. Otherwise we just buy what we want when we want/need it, which is way easier anyway.

I'm sorry it makes you sad, but I would try not to take it personally. Gift giving for adults is a lot of work and I would try not to equate gifts with love. That's part of what drives the over consumerism in the US and if you think about it, it is really wasteful and hard on the planet too. As jinkies said, I will use the holidays to treat myself and I think it is better to buy myself something I really want than to get stuff I don't want from other people.

[macmars45]

We do a gift exchange with my extended family. I buy for 6 nieces/nephews and 3-4 adults. So 9-10 total. We draw names among the adults otherwise I'd be buying for 9 adults and 6 kids. My extended family is 18 people. I'd like to stop the adult gift giving and just buy for the kids but that has met resistance when I've suggested it.

I no longer do a gift exchange with friends. Once we all started having kids we stopped our white elephant Christmas parties.

H is in charge of his parents, sister, BIL and 2 niblings. They usually get nothing. As I buy for 9-10 people plus H and DS I don't have the bandwidth for 6 more people. They live OOS so we don't celebrate in person.

[expectantsteelerfan]

We don't exchange gifts with my side of the family at all (beyond us sending my niece a gift and my brother sending my kids gifts) for many reasons, and I agree it feels weird. I enjoy buying gifts and participating in gift exchanges, but I do understand the sentiment that others on this board have expressed many times of the pressure to give gifts, the expectations, the annoyance of just buying things off wish lists or exchanging gift cards when you don't know what to get someone, etc. I think if buying for people has gotten to that point, but you still want to do some sort of gift, then trying to make it more fun in some way is the way to go.
The exchange I look forward to most and put the most effort into each year is my book club exchange, where we pick an adjective (usually having to due with the theme of the book(s) we're reading that month) to be the theme of the gift. This year it was floral. And then we play a game to exchange the gift (so we only buy 1 gift). To be honest, I don't know that I've really liked or used a single thing that I've gotten from this exchange, but I love picking out the stuff for it and participating in it.
My bff and I don't usually exchange gifts even though we spend Christmas together, but this year another family is coming, so we decided to do a white elephant, 1 for the adults and 1 for the kids, and I'm looking forward to that too, even though it meant buying another gift for that and coordinating getting my kids to pick out gifts for it. I think the kid exchange will be hilarious.
So I understand your feelings, but I'm not sure I have any helpful solutions if you don't have anyone else that is feeling similarly right now, I'm sorry.

[heygrey]

We only buy for our immediate family (H, me, DS). All of our family is a plane ride away and we don’t see them at the holidays. It’s not the massive family Christmases of my childhood with lots of gifts and extended family, but I really really love our stress free small family Christmas. H and I have really focused on making traditions for our family and not putting the priority on gifts.

[silva]

Dec 20, 2023 11:32:06 GMT -5 rhian said:

We only bought presents for our son this year. My partner and I get each other an ornament every year. Some years we also exchange 1-2 gifts with each other, but we decided not to this year. Grandparents get gifts for our son, but we don't buy anything for adults.

I have never been a gift giving/receiving person, so this is fine with me. What I have always enjoyed most about the holidays is getting to see family and enjoy food together. I have never had local family, so the holidays are unique in that sense for me. Are there are other things about the holidays that you enjoy that you can focus on and dedicate the time/energy you previously spent on gifts towards those?

For a long time, my cousins would host and DH, DD and I would travel on Xmas eve to the family gathering in my hometown  (2 hours away). I loved it but also had resentment because DD would often miss xmas day at our home. One year they asked who wanted to host and I volunteered. Cousin's wife said absolutely not because her son's girlfriends have their family to visit that time as well. Meanwhile, I'm like...but we travel every year! 

Last year was the tipping point. My mom, brother, DH and DD attended their party and at one point my cousin's wife (same one above) asked to start taking family photos around the Xmas tree. She literally called her kids, GFs, her nieces, niece's mom and partner to take photos. (Niece's dad was the brother of cousin's wife and he passed long ago). So imagine me sitting right next to the tree while cousins and company all take turns taking photos. They never asked my mom, my brother, or us. It was wild and hurtful.  So, now that tradition is gone now and we have we have the excuse being that I moved my mom near me into memory care center. 

So no gifts, no gathering with my side of the family. It's now just DH's side which while pleasant, not the same. 

[jennistarr1]

My dad (not my Sis)
My MIL
My BIL, SIL, and 2 nieces
I'm not great at remembering my god children (friends kids)

I try to donate $$ in remembrance of the two parents that have passed

[hermione]

We buy for friends of ours (husband, wife, daughter)
I am a part of a group of 5 women who work together and we exchange gifts.
We buy for our nieces and nephews (3).
Adults on both sides draw names or do a white elephant exchange

I understand your feelings. Gifts are my love language too. I love picking out something I think a person will enjoy, wrapping it, and giving it to them. Maybe you would enjoy adopting a wish family next year.

[maudefindlay]

We buy for nieces and nephews till age 18, so we are finished on DH's side. They tried to rope us into buying for great nieces and great nephews and I noped us right out of that last year with a very awkward conversation. My 3 are the youngest on that side at 11, 12, and 14 and their bdays are often forgotten, so no, I already bought for your kids, I'm not buying for your grandkids too.

I have 1 niece and 1 nephew on my side we buy for at ages 11 and 13. We buy for my parents and FIL and his gf. We also buy a teacher gift for DD's teacher as she is still in elementary. We don't buy for middle or high school since they have 8 different teachers each. So we buy for 7 people outside our house though the parent gifts are usually given to them as a couple so more like 5 gifts.

[trytobearunner34]

Gift exchange with co-workers. Plus a gift for 3 year old great niece and that’s it beyond husband and daughter.

We get together with others, but there are no adult gifts involved (except for my in-laws but my husband does those).

[silva]

Dec 20, 2023 11:44:45 GMT -5 noodleoo said:

We only buy gifts for our kids and our nieces/nephews (6 kids). We used to exchange with H's siblings, but we were sending each other gift cards so it seemed pointless. When his brother had a kid we dropped adult gifts. H and I only exchange token gifts or if we have a really good idea for each other. Otherwise we just buy what we want when we want/need it, which is way easier anyway.

I'm sorry it makes you sad, but I would try not to take it personally. Gift giving for adults is a lot of work and I would try not to equate gifts with love. That's part of what drives the over consumerism in the US and if you think about it, it is really wasteful and hard on the planet too. As jinkies said, I will use the holidays to treat myself and I think it is better to buy myself something I really want than to get stuff I don't want from other people.

agree 100%. It's still so hard to navigate these feelings. 

[donutsmakemegonuts]

DH and I buy for each other. We send crab cakes to my mom and stepdad in FL. We wrack our brains every year to come up with something for my ILs because they have everything and they get whatever they want whenever they want. They also don't have hobbies per se so it's hard to find things. We buy something small for one of our couple friends and their son (my DH's godson) and they host us on Christmas Eve. We have started a friends Christmas brunch or dinner every year with two other couples and their kids and embarrassingly they (specifically the wives) have given us little gifts at this event and I have never given them anything. There was no discussion about exchanging gifts so I didn't realize this would be happening. So I felt really bad after our brunch this year. I will need to calculate that into next years gifts. We are all going away for President's Day weekend to ski and I was thinking of making each of the wives a little self care basket as a way to make up for it, but who knows.

I used to think I was a good gift giver, but in recent years I feel like I've been missing the mark. I'm not sure why.