For the kids birthday, I bet Lauren didn't invite you, but didn't tell Craig that she didn't invite you. He probably said something about you not coming to her and she lied about it.
I agree with this. Most guys are not managing birthday guest lists. Craig asked Lauren to invite you and she either didn’t deliberately or forgot.
If you are over it then I would say the guys could try to hang out depending on if your H wants to or not.
If your H wants to see his friend to try to maintain it, I’d throw out 2-3 dates and see if they work. If they don’t respond or start throwing out different dates, I’d be over it.
This is perfect advice. Give medium effort, for your H's sake. I would keep it breezy. If she flakes, I would just leave it at that. THen you know that you all are not at fault.
Honestly I'd personally give them the benefit of the doubt, I struggled a lot when my kid was little with maintaining friendships. Maybe they're at the point where they regret or have reevaluated past actions? Or they realize how much they miss you?
BUT - it really is ok if you decide you don't want to reconnect. I've been teaching my kid that just like she gets to choose when the time is right for her to apologize the other party gets to decide when the time is right for them to accept.
I agree with this, assuming you liked them/liked spending time with them. I would look at it on that basic a level - would you like to see them? If yes, say so. If you don't think you could forget the drama of the past few years and just want to continue on without them, then take that course.
All I have to say is, from another person who doesn't have kids...our kid having friends dropped out of sight waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay longer than a few months after having babies. We hardly saw them at all until the kids were school aged. Things didn't return to close to normal until they were in middle school. Now, all our local friends' kids are in high school and college, and things are just like they were in the old days.
Oh, and FYI, it has taken me a lot longer than a couple months to regroup from the changes of having kids enough to put much energy into my previous friendships. So your expectations there may not have been super realistic. Not that you are obligated to wait around for them! Just giving you my perspective.
I think it’s one thing to not be as responsive or your priority of friends changes when you have kids but it’s another thing to get mad someone didn’t come to a bday party and then not believe them when they say they never received an invite. Those are 2 separate things.
OP, with the update about Lauren I would not be excited to jump back in a friendship with her cause I don’t do friends who create drama, but if your H wants to hang out with them again I would do it. At any first signs of drama though I’d call it quits.
Oh, and FYI, it has taken me a lot longer than a couple months to regroup from the changes of having kids enough to put much energy into my previous friendships. So your expectations there may not have been super realistic. Not that you are obligated to wait around for them! Just giving you my perspective.
I think it’s one thing to not be as responsive or your priority of friends changes when you have kids but it’s another thing to get mad someone didn’t come to a bday party and then not believe them when they say they never received an invite. Those are 2 separate things.
OP, with the update about Lauren I would not be excited to jump back in a friendship with her cause I don’t do friends who create drama, but if your H wants to hang out with them again I would do it. At any first signs of drama though I’d call it quits.
All of this, exactly. I hope everyone saying it's hard to maintain friendships with little kids wouldn't also cut off long term friends over a kid's birthday party, accusing them of being liars in the process!
That Lauren food situation is crazy. She sounds like a lot of work and like someone who will always pull this kind of shit, so I wouldn't personally want to rekindle a one on one friendship with her but could deal with general couple socializing if you guys can/want to make up with Craig.
We have had several couple friends drop off the face of the Earth like this, and while it is easy to blame the wife or whichever one married "into" the friend group, it is really the fault of the main friend if they are sucking at being a friend.
I get that both of them were equally your friends, but it sounds like the wife is getting blamed. We have friends who aren't "allowed" to hang out, but in reality they are responsible for their actions - or lack thereof.
In your case I would see if your H has any interest in responding, but I wouldn't expect things to ever go back to the way they were. It's hard when friendships that have lasted "forever" end, but it does happen.
Oh, and FYI, it has taken me a lot longer than a couple months to regroup from the changes of having kids enough to put much energy into my previous friendships. So your expectations there may not have been super realistic. Not that you are obligated to wait around for them! Just giving you my perspective.
I think it’s one thing to not be as responsive or your priority of friends changes when you have kids but it’s another thing to get mad someone didn’t come to a bday party and then not believe them when they say they never received an invite. Those are 2 separate things.
OP, with the update about Lauren I would not be excited to jump back in a friendship with her cause I don’t do friends who create drama, but if your H wants to hang out with them again I would do it. At any first signs of drama though I’d call it quits.
Yes! You people saying I didn’t want to socialize immediately after having kids or it takes more then a couple of months are being obtuse. That’s not the issue here. The issue is these people dropped there life long friends after not going to a child’s birthday party.
This is way too much drama for me so I’d nope out and suggest your DH hang out with Craig on his own if he wants. For the text, I’d probably respond with a ‘sorry, we have a lot going on right now’ kind of response. If she texts again I’d probably not respond.
Post by JayhawkGirl on Jan 2, 2024 18:47:17 GMT -5
We had a family we spent a ton of time with ghost last spring. This fall the wife texts us tra la la golly gee things seem distant and I don’t know why.
I said I was following their lead. No need to hash the you quit replying and never initiate….
We said sure let us know when to gtg. Still awaiting a reply
Maybe they realized they've been crap in the past and want to change, maybe they joined a swingers club and get a discount for bringing new members. If you want to know which one, text them but it's also perfectly fine not to also.
If your H wants to see his friend to try to maintain it, I’d throw out 2-3 dates and see if they work. If they don’t respond or start throwing out different dates, I’d be over it.
This is perfect advice. Give medium effort, for your H's sake. I would keep it breezy. If she flakes, I would just leave it at that. THen you know that you all are not at fault.
This PLUS they have to do all the legwork on exact time and location. People who I care about who I'm willing to give the benefit of the doubt (even my BFF who never picks the goddamned restaurant), I'll do planning for. Other people I'm like "days xyz work, let me know what time and where."
I think it’s one thing to not be as responsive or your priority of friends changes when you have kids but it’s another thing to get mad someone didn’t come to a bday party and then not believe them when they say they never received an invite. Those are 2 separate things.
OP, with the update about Lauren I would not be excited to jump back in a friendship with her cause I don’t do friends who create drama, but if your H wants to hang out with them again I would do it. At any first signs of drama though I’d call it quits.
Yes! You people saying I didn’t want to socialize immediately after having kids or it takes more then a couple of months are being obtuse. That’s not the issue here. The issue is these people dropped there life long friends after not going to a child’s birthday party.
I didn’t read it this way. I read that they have had a hard time hanging out since 2018 - that they barely heard from them for a few years. Then the birthday party thing came up, then they continued to not hear from them for a few years. Now they have reached out. From my perspective as someone who has been through similar relationship issues (but on the Lauren/Craig side) it seems they were underwater/having issues with kids/having issues with Covid/having issues with life for a long time. It’s not like everything was fine then boom they accused them of not going to a party. The incident wasn’t great but it was part of a much longer issue. I just think sometimes you need to give people some grace - they had two life shifting things happen in the past 5 years (kids and Covid). Both of those things turned my world totally upside down. People don’t always behave the best during life altering times
Post by expectantsteelerfan on Jan 2, 2024 19:15:01 GMT -5
If I were you, I'd do some reflecting about whether you/dh would enjoy having them in your life again or not. If the answer might at all be yes, I think I'd at least respond with a similar level of breeziness and throw out some dates, but leave it up to them to make things concrete (to make sure they aren't going to flake and are serious about actually getting together). And if a date worked out, I'd go into it with SUPER low expectations. If it was awkward and/or they didn't address the situation, I probably would not put ANY effort into rekindling the friendship with Lauren, but would support your dh in his continued friendship with Craig by at least being friendly if you did all happen to get together again at times (but like, wouldn't go out of my way to profusely thank her for being annoying and taking up my oven space again for fear of starting stuff). But if it goes better than expected, then yay.
I cut a Lauren out of my life years ago, and just socializing with some friends who also know/are friends with her over the holidays only made me feel more confident about my decision to excise that kind of stupid AW drama from my life for good. That said, only you and your H can judge whether or not this friendship is something you'd like to invest more emotional energy into this year.
Okay, you were friends with Lauren. Did you find her drama? Yes, I read the food example but you said you were friends with her so did you personally encounter drama with her?
I just do not have enough info to make any kind of statement beyond: things may not be as cut and dry as they seem from your perspective.
I really cringe at the “controlling wife” trope that often gets rolled out when things don’t make sense. Maybe “controlling wife” has two small kids and a husband who works constantly or doesn’t pull his weight and then he’s like “I’m going out with my friends” and she’s like “what the hell?”. Maybe “controlling wife” sees her husband goof off with his friends when they all get together and leaves her with all the childcare so she’s not into it.
If I were you, I'd do some reflecting about whether you/dh would enjoy having them in your life again or not. If the answer might at all be yes, I think I'd at least respond with a similar level of breeziness and throw out some dates, but leave it up to them to make things concrete (to make sure they aren't going to flake and are serious about actually getting together). And if a date worked out, I'd go into it with SUPER low expectations. If it was awkward and/or they didn't address the situation, I probably would not put ANY effort into rekindling the friendship with Lauren, but would support your dh in his continued friendship with Craig by at least being friendly if you did all happen to get together again at times (but like, wouldn't go out of my way to profusely thank her for being annoying and taking up my oven space again for fear of starting stuff). But if it goes better than expected, then yay.
this is where I fall. And if you really don’t want to hang out with them as couples, that’s perfectly fine too. I wouldn’t ghost, but I’d reply with a “things are so busy right now - it’s hard to commit. Thanks for asking, maybe a bit down the road we can come up for air!”
Given it’s your H’s BFF, I’d be willing to go along with it but with minimal effort. Like I’d respond, “That would be great! Your schedules are probably crazier than ours so throw out some dates when you have time and we’ll get something on the books.” If she does, great. If not, carry on how you have been for the last few years.
As far as the commute calls, that is literally the only time my friends and I ever called each other for the first four years of our kids’ lives, and we love each other! It’s just loud and chaotic at other times.
I’d simply not answer as I’d have no interest in hanging out with Lauren (based on your descriptions of her). I would encourage my husband to reach out to Greg if he wanted to.
I get that kids turn your world upside down - but if that's the case - you at least acknowledge that you've been MIA. That's not exactly a high bar to meet.
Post by wanderlustmom on Jan 2, 2024 19:56:45 GMT -5
To me, I would have liked a genuine apology from Craig and Lauren. If your DH misses Craig, I would give the relationship another chance. If he wants to be life long friends again. If it were just to connect at a smaller level, I would move on
The no contact in a year is not scandalizing for me due to them having young children. Even the lack of reply from Craig. Young children turn your brain to mush.
I would also be hurt by them not believing us we didn't get an invite but over time would get over it if they seemed like they'd moved on. (But I'm a super forgiving person.)
BUT Lauren does not sound like someone I'd want to be friends with, and you don't sound super interested either. I would give a generic, I'm sorry I've got a lot going on but thanks for the offer.
And then your husband can reply to Craig as he wants. You don't have to be friends with Lauren to be friends with Craig.
To me, I would have liked a genuine apology from Craig and Lauren. If your DH misses Craig, I would give the relationship another chance. If he wants to be life long friends again. If it were just to connect at a smaller level, I would move on
I think this is why I'd be so reluctant to re-engage with these people. It's one thing for friends who are new parents to suddenly not be as engaged with the friendship as they were. That's normal, and I think most of us who are parents would confirm that. That said, The accusation that you maliciously skipped their kid's birthday party along with their refusal to believe that you didn't get the invitation makes me think that these are just not great people in general, and that even if you do reconnect you'll constantly be walking on eggshells around them (like you did before when Lauren would bring unwanted food to your parties) because you've got that history with them.
If it was me I wouldn't discourage my H from a friendship with the husband. That should be his call. But I would not text Lauren back, nor would I jump into doing anything as couples again. They know what they accused you of doing, and they haven't apologized or acknowledged that there was a reason why you stopped talking. That's really shitty.
Post by sparkythelawyer on Jan 2, 2024 21:17:45 GMT -5
I’d have equal parts curiosity and a little petty. I’d provide some dates, but like, in February to gauge their actual interest here. They could have been caught up in kid years. They could have slowly realized that they pushed everyone away and are now kind of alone, Craig could be tired of his friends being pushed aside and made a stink about it, all is possible. My curiosity would get me to go, but I would not reveal much at the dinner. Keep it light and fluffy. See what she says and how it goes. Maybe it’s a step forward, maybe it will be enough to make the friendship die finally.
Why would they be pissed you didn’t show up to their kid’s party? Even if you DID get the invite? Like, where’s the drama in that?
They sound exhausting. Kids parties aren’t that big of a deal. So it feels like there’s part of this story that is left out or these friends were looking for a reason to cut you off.
Like many are saying, I'd entertain the idea of a meet-up just to see what they have to say, if anything. Keep it light with very low expectations. Peace out if there's any more drama.