Children of hoarders and packrats

[ohgillian]

Tell me about your life as an adult.

The house I grew up in was cluttered only, not a hoard, but my mom has moved into hoarding in old age. This has made me reflect a lot on my relationship toward stuff.

As an adult I have a never been a packrat and my mom is always ALWAYS ribbing me about how I “throw everything away.” I don’t, but I do keep a streamlined, cleaned out house. It used to bother me more that she did this. Especially when she would give something to my children and tell them “Now don’t let your mother throw this out.” But it bothers me less now, the more she hoards.

DH grew up in a normal house but has a similar approach to stuff that I do. The past week or so we’ve been doing a household purge. I really really love cleaning out.

Both of my siblings are extreme pack rats. I have one sibling that lives locally, and she is unable to house the other sibling when he comes to visit because she describes her house as “barely habitable.” I’m frustrated by this at times because I don’t always want to HAVE to host. But I recognize that I’m not willing to tell him to stay in a hotel (not do I want him to!) so I am choosing to host him.

Anyway, just wondering about your lives and experiences. PDQ because if basically no one relies I may DD.

[CurlyQ284]

My parents aren't hoarders, like it's not to the extent that there's a pathway through the house but my dad hates getting rid of things. There was a lot of clutter in the house as a kid. I go visit and its unbelievable to me that they have a huge kitchen with maybe 25 feet of counter space but only half the island is clear to work on.

I throw everything away/donate/sell on marketplace. If it hasn't been used in a long time, it's gone. My husband, SD2 and DS all like to save things. There's a lot of bargaining with H and DS. SD is moving to her first apartment in May, I'm so excited (Why does anyone need 8 pairs of vans in the same 2 colors, please help me understand).

One time when we lived in Mississippi I put a bunch of stuff on the curb. We were leaving to go to the movies and somebody pulled up to pick through it. H thought it would be awkward to leave right then so he wanted to wait until she was gone. He watched through the window as she pulled all the shit out that I tossed and got more and more upset that I tossed it. After she left he went through it and got all his crap and brought it back to the garage 🤣

[ssmjlm]

My mom is more of a packrat, but more in the idea that she loves crafting and ends up with so much crafting stuff. She's been really good lately at using what she has more, but not completely.

When they moved in 2020 it was a huge awakening. They had a massive 5000sq ft house and the new house was 3000, so stuff had to do. The biggest things were furniture that my mom was hoping to sell, but no one really wanted.

I am pretty ruthless with stuff, but do like to keep some sentimental things. I'm trying to balance it all.

[waverly]

My great aunt was a hoarder so I can’t really answer your question because she wasn’t a parent.

She died when I was 16 and I had to help my mom clean out her house. She had peaches that she canned from 30 years ago where the mason jars were disintegrating. Everything was disgusting because it’s hard to clean with so much stuff. Lots of clothes that were never worn with tags. Garbage buried in the back yard. Multiple huge dumpsters were used. It was an experience for sure.

We chose to use more square footage of the house as living space and less as storage space so that is kind of our approach. Our whole basement could be storage but we use it as a playroom and now a TV room instead.

[sunshineluv]

Oh boy, DH and I discuss this often. We grew up in cluttered but not hoarding houses. My mom’s house got a lot worse when my sister and I left for college. She has moved a few times which helped a lot, and now lives in a small home that is so cluttered it makes me anxious, but it is not hoarding. My in laws have a beautiful showcase home that they let go to shit. I haven’t been in it in 12 years, DH hasn’t in maybe 8. They are 100% hoarding. They can’t use their kitchen so they eat out all the time. Their house is falling apart, it’s really quite heartbreaking. They have a detached 3 car garage full, 2 storage units, and stuff stored in 2 other homes. My dad (they split when I was 2) passed away in 2012, he became a hoarder and when he died his house was in shambles. Trash and junk everywhere with a small corner he could sit and watch tv in. It was a huge gut punch to see after his death (he didn’t let us in for years). I honestly wish I had never seen it and didn’t have that image seared in my mind.

We worry a lot about my in laws, about their mental health, physical heath, etc. But they are adults.

We do not like clutter and keep a relatively tidy house. Clutter makes me feel anxious. My sister is the same as us. His sister is on the cluttered side and has maybe 6 cats and dogs in a small trailer.

[meanie]

I suspect my H came from a very cluttered house, MIL's house is clean but very cluttered with keepsakes and knick knacks. H struggles to let anything go because "what if" and keeps bins full of wires, manuals, old tech, mail, etc in the basement that I quietly throw away over time.

[mrsukyankee]

My H grew up in a cluttered (in some areas) house (and not in other rooms). He is a bit of a pack rat and I have to remind him that he does not need to hold onto everything. I have to work on myself at times (not having hardly anything while growing up means I like stuff even if I know I don't need stuff). We're a right pair but we've gotten better (at least with things like clothing and books, still need to work on other things).

[noodleoo]

My mom is not a hoarder, but she is a deal hunter. She buys so much stuff because it is cheap or a "good deal", whether she actually needs it or not. I feel like I've unfortunately inherited that mentality and I've been working more as an adult to combat it. Luckily H is a little better and he helps me let go of things (I have the "what if I need this someday and I spent $X on it!"). It helps that our house has very little storage space, so we can't really hold onto too much stuff. Although he's an electronics box/cord/manual hoarder and I have to work to keep him from keeping all that stuff.

I dread someday having to clean out my parents 4000 sqft house. It doesn't look bad on the surface, but every closet is packed full of stuff, lots of it probably new with tags still on it.

[redhead610]

My ILs are hoarders. We were there this weekend, and it stresses both of us out so, so much. There are rooms with just a pathway. They also have a grandparents' house that no one has lived in for 4 years - full of stuff.

We have a snow day today and we just went through a bunch of stuff in the basement to donate/bring to the dump because I can't handle thinking about all the stuff building. We throw a lot out and try to stay organized. We do keep some stuff for sentimental value but nothing big.

[followyourarrow]

My mom was/is an extreme couponer and deal buyer. Her basement was set up like a grocery store with aisles and she had handheld shopping baskets. Last I knew she had 3 deep freezers and an extra fridge to store all the stuff in. She has over 50 tshirts, because they were all "a good deal".

I try really hard to buy one week's worth of groceries and replace the basics just as needed. I can stock up fast if I'm not careful. I don't let myself look at the sales ads because I can fall into that habit really quick. Several years ago I found myself in some credit card debt because I was buying things on sale that were good deals! I've since fixed that and unsubscribed to pretty much all the email deals. I still have more than I need, but nowhere close to a hoarding situation, everything has its place.

[litskispeciality]

I assume this is a blanket PDQ thread

Ugh, I grew up in a semi-hoarder house. My mom had a LOT of fabric, like a full room full, plus she was a deal hunter as mentioned above so we had a lot of (the same) crap. We couldn't get rid of the fabric until she passed, and that was a huge pain because people don't want random blocks of patterns (I get it). We ended up cleaning out most of the first floor of the house when my dad started falling apart and we had to move his whole bedroom downstairs. Overall it was a complete nightmare to get him out of his house. We had to rent a dumpster after weekend after weekend of trips to the dump and Salvation Army.

Now my dad still hoards weird things like paper towels and tissues. His docs aren't putting together that it's tied to whatever he's got, but that's a different issue. My brother and I have been very conscious to try to clean things as we go, we just have to be careful because he gets really upset if you throw things out in front of him. I'm still worried though when we finally move him to Memory Care what we do with his remaining stuff.

As far as myself, I could do a much better job of letting things go. My DH will throw stuff out when I'm not around. We have at least started to really pull back on stocking stuffers, gifts that won't be practical or used much and so on. Someday I hope to have free time to clean out old clothes and keep up with nightmare closets that just hold everything as I can't imagine cleaning those out whenever we move out of this house. Sometimes it just feels so overwhelming to go through it I just give up, but that's not ok.

[litskispeciality]

I read, and enjoyed the Sutton Foster autobiography "Hooked: How Crafting Saved My Life" for many reasons, including her truth about growing up in a hoarder house. It's rather quick, although TW as she lost her mom and she goes in to some pretty serious detail about her health decline.

[shauni27]

neither of our families were hoarders but they all had cluttered houses that they lived in for decades. both families had this mentality of "oh just keep it in storage!" or "well that has MEANING and FEELINGS" etc.

Last summer we downsized both families to homes 1/4 the size of their previous homes and I think they realized how much SHIT they had.

We are the opposite; I have very little when it comes to sentimental stuff. I do not like clutter. If something has a purpose, find it a home and use it. If it is not used, we need to get rid of it.** of course, this is the theory. In reality I have an entire room of storage at our house right now and my goal for 2024 is to purge it entirely.

[7costanza]

My dad is probably a borderline hoarder, his current girlfriend seems to keep him in check a bit but he pays for a huge storage unit that’s filled with totally useless junk (scuba suits he hasn’t worn in 50+ years, rusted out bbq, etc). My mom is very much on the opposite end of the spectrum and she was the primary parent growing up (they divorced when I was an adult). My in laws keep things tidy and clean but have a lot of stuff everywhere. I would describe their style as maximalist, lol.

Both my H and I love to get rid of stuff and don’t have a lot of clutter around, with the exception of kids toys and legos. He also goes through phases where he collects things and that can get overwhelming. The person who said they choose to use most spaces in their house as living spaces rather that storage described it perfectly. I will say it took some time for me to get to this point, I used to hang onto things and would feel guilty or sad about getting rid of them if there was any kind of sentimental attachment. It sounds dumb but the Marie Condo book was truly life changing for me, it helped reframe clutter and clearing stuff out.

[litskispeciality]

One more thought...a few years ago I saw folks doing a purge during Lent. I think it was collect a bag of donations or trash per week. Obviously you could donate at that pace much sooner (than say late March), but for some I think it's like a NY resolution to do it for a "reason" like a challenge. Have to remember this myself, in hopes I'll have more time by then.

[livinitup]

My parents didn’t have much money when they were first married, so growing up things were simple and neat. Even as kids, we had a few books and puzzles and games. Not much but plenty that we needed. Now, they have lots of boxes and bins everywhere, but mostly manageable. I’ve noticed that they haven’t gotten rid of much (or anything). They have their first couch from the 1960s in their basement. Really, all of their furniture is original to the room it was bought. They are just good at not buying new stuff. But it’s adding up.

I have had to learn how to toss things away (donation or trash). I still have lots of gifts that I never use in closets. It really is a burden to have to manage stuff. I have really come to realize that it’s a learned skill (at least for me).

I learned this gem and still think it’s interesting : Our culture has no rituals get rid of things. No special time of year, nothing cyclical. Just accumulation.

[flygirl]

I wouldn’t say my MIL is a hoarder exactly but she loves thrift shopping and doesn’t mind clutter which there is a lot of. H is somewhat like her in that he refuses to throw things away. He’d rather pile it in a corner in case he needs it. He also has weird sentimental attachment to odd things. He mostly keeps his stuff to his office or the garage because he knows I will throw it away. I get the opposite attitude from my mother. She would throw everything away that wasn’t hers or meant something to her-I don’t throw stuff away to be hurtful, I just don’t like crap laying around and if you have a pile of papers on the counter that you haven’t looked at for weeks, it can’t be that important.
eta: also having just cleaned out a house for an estate, I try to be more careful about what I keep.  

[ohgillian]

Thank you everyone for commenting and sharing.

I relate to the comments that cluttered spaces make you anxious. I don’t mean a little bit of clutter. My house is a little bit of clutter. But visiting my mother is extremely stressful for me. My therapist last week was like “…..you don’t have to visit her there. Pick her up and take her out for lunch.” And I think I am going to work on that.

I want my kids to be able to have a relationship with my mom. I don’t want to avoid her because of her stuff. So going out for meals maybe be a good idea.

I also relate to a lot of the comments about dreading having to deal with belongings of the older generation. My mom has already downsized twice (and my dad did twice as well before he died). Watching and helping with those processes made me feel sad, like they were burdened by their belongings. I always said to H that every time I came home from helping my dad with his stuff, I got rid of a few more things at home. lol.

Does anyone get rid of so much stuff that you get rid of things you would want? This has happened to me only maybe two or three times. Sitting here right now, I can think of two things that I regret getting rid of. But life has moved on. I would rather maybe make a mistake once a decade than never get rid of anything.

[dontlook]

I grew up with a mother that kept everything. Our house was very cluttered. My mom still keeps way too much stuff despite downsizing homes a few times. I feel you OP about having to host everyone and all the events because we can’t gather at my mom’s place. It’s exhausting but I can’t be at my mom’s for too long.

I keep nothing. My kids have 1 Rubbermaid bin that fits under their beds that they can keep special keepsakes in. They know to keep stuff in there or I will throw it away without even thinking. Clutter makes me panicky. My mood is greatly impacted by the cleanliness of my house (something I’m working on it).

[hbomdiggity]

There was def clutter in our house growing up with my mom being a bit of a packrat. They moved about 20 years ago and shed a lot of stuff, only to have it accumulate again. Not helped by my grandparents passing so they took on more stuff from that.

I have definite packrat tendencies. My issue isn’t not wanting to get rid of stuff, but getting rid of it responsibly. I don’t just want to through it in the trash for the landfill, but I also don’t have time to get to the women’s shelter during their limited 2hour donation window or make it to the special recycle center for x.

[minzy]

I kind of laughed (not really) at your concern that your post wouldn’t get much traction. It seems there are a lot of us. My dad is a Boomer and the product of people who grew up in the Depression and they saved shit. He and his siblings do, too. He has various equipment in the barn on the property where I grew up and all sorts of random shit in his attic that “may be worth something.” My parents and sister and I moved into our house before it was done, and my parents never actually really fully “finished” it. My sister and I were embarrassed a lot about the idea of friends coming over. My dad and stepmother have now mostly moved from that property, like a creature shedding its skin, but he still owns it and someday it is going to be my problem. I dread that.

As an adult, I tend to have piles of stuff I “intend to get to” when I have more time. It’s generally not that bad (to me), and I have no real problem eventually getting rid of stuff. My husband is also a pile blaster and he hates the accumulation of things so that helps a lot. Our house is generally okay for company on fairly short notice. We also have biweekly cleaners which helps keep things under control. I really could go through some stuff in our basement though. 😬

As a result of my upbringing, I will never ever build from scratch, and I will always probably live in some kind of cookie cutter neighborhood. My sister’s house is clutter-free and super tastefully decorated, she could have a magazine drop by at any moment and be ready for pictures. I don’t prioritize my house the same way, but I sure love hanging out at hers. 🤣

[W.T.Faulkner]

Clearly, there are a lot of common experiences here.

I wonder how much our perception of clutter/hoarding is influenced by our generation.

Those born 1915-1930, raising kids in the 1950s and 1960s, might have saved everything out of habit or a form of coping, since the Depression and rationing during WWII hit right in their childhood and adolescence. But there likely wasn’t as much to save, or room enough to save it, since houses were generally smaller and families much bigger.

Boomers generally had far fewer kids and, generally, much more money and bigger houses. Their generation is characterized by overconsumption; it seems like that’d lend well to a huge hoarding issue as they grow older.

What will millennial hoarding look like in a couple decades? How much of my aversion to clutter and unnecessary possessions is because I grew up with a mom, who, while exceptionally neat and organized, buys a TON of everything (especially food) and has clothing with tags still on it? And how much of that is generational — because I live in a smaller, older home than my parents ever did, with far less expendable income than they had thanks to the surging cost of living?

[emilyinchile]

My dad is a packrat for sure, not hoarder levels thankfully, and I am also regularly accused of throwing everything away. If it ever comes up that I've kept something for purely sentimental reasons he is relieved. I do keep things! Just not EVERYTHING EVER IN MY LIFE. I think that part of it is just my personality and reality - he has a huge house whereas I have a perfectly fine but not giant apartment - but definitely part of it is a reaction.

Equally, I understand why he is how he is. He grew up during WWII, so the concept of "waste not, want not" and the idea that you might need a part of the broken thing you've already replaced were very real then! Just...not so much now. And it's frustrating to me how his desire not to waste things can end up doing the opposite, like instead of donating some blankets when they would have still been useful to someone else he kept them in a storage shed where they got sunbleached and gross and now are only use to an animal shelter.

[jinkies]

While I wouldn't say my parents are hoarders, they have far more space than the average person to store things (60 acres with multiple barns and outbuildings) and they are all full. They definitely fill the space they have up to the point of it being cluttered but passable. This will eventually mean a LOT of work and a LOT of dumpsters some day to clear out all the things they are saving "just in case".

The biggest issue is that there is no order or system to the many things they are holding on to. It's not uncommon for my dad to say he needs something (a particular wrench, say) and we get it for him. Only to discover, six months later, a Home Depot bag in a barn somewhere with that exact wrench still in the packaging, that he had bought 3 years ago.

It's frustrating. We've tried to help clean out the barns and areas he uses the most, but my dad gets agitated and insists he might need all that stuff someday. We've mostly given up at this point.

I really try to regularly purge my own stuff. It helps me to do multiple passes-- sometimes I will find myself feeling sentimental and keeping something, but 4 months later I don't feel the same attachment and it feels good to trash. I don't want to leave my kids with the same mess that my parents will leave us.

[ssmjlm]

This reminds me of a conversation at Christmas with my MIL. She was talking to my parents about spending $75k on re-doing a 3 season porch because she wants another living area. The irony is she has an "office" that no one uses. She could easily move some furniture around, get a decent couch and make that another living space. Then she wouldn't be spending money she doesn't have and making her space work for her.

[emilyinchile]

I just read more replies. My dad tried to give FI some NWT shirts and suits over Christmas. Except they're super 90s styles, so no one will want them now. FI is kind and accepted a suit that we then had to pack back to Chile just to donate it here because he's never going to wear it.

There has been stuff from my childhood that my dad asks if I want, and when I say no thanks, I'll toss it he says that actually he'll keep it...only to forget and present me with said item(s) as an exciting surprise when we're next together. At which point I act surprised and say thank you before throwing it away because seriously, my Discman is not something that needs to be saved!

[circa1978]

This is a constant problem between me and H. He is happiest in piles of clutter with doom piles in every bag or drawer. His mother has always lived that way but things got more complicated when H's grandparents died. His parents were only children and rather than deal with estate sales/clearing out their parents' houses, they put them in storage units. Then they retired and consolidated from a family house and two vacation homes down to one vacation home. They bought another house and just filled it with MORE STUFF.

DS has picked up on H's habits and never gets rid of anything. The only reason you can walk through our house at all is that it is all piled in DS's room and H's office.

ETA: We have had hard conversation after conversation with ILs about how no one wants their stuff, it's all going to landfills someday. They are 84 and still will NOT let it go. It has gotten moderately better in the 17 years I've known them - when I first met them, you literally had to climb over furniture to enter their vacation homes. And if you really want to get hives, said house is up EIGHT flights of steps and completely inaccessible any other way. They have been squirrling things away up there since 1961. I have no idea what we're going to do to clear it out, short of setting it on fire.

[litskispeciality]

livinitup , you're speaking to my soul. The comments above about hoarding/packrating/whatever you want to call it is so mulit-generational. We, at least in America are truly not raised or encouraged to get rid of things. There's SO MUCH pressure from parents and family members to hang on to every g-d thing. That was a huge issue when cleaning out my dad's place "but don't you want this book?" "but your mother spent all this money on some baking thing (you'll never use), please take it so it's not a waste of money". Sometimes I donated the items, and sometimes it sat in my basement. We actually just re-gifted some Kitchen Aid thing to a Christmas gift swap with no idea if it even works lol. Thankfully there's a lot less for us to deal with now, but I wish I could have turned my brain off more and said "hey, you didn't manage your wife's spending, so it's your issue to get rid of it"...but my case was different as we had to move my dad asap due to health stuff.

ETA: basically what emilyinchile said, she just said it better

Anyway...@@@

I've seen a lot of parents complain their kids have SO.MUCH.STUFF...but then send out wish-lists and make posts about all the toys their kids just have to have. Later it turns in to a huge fight to pack up a bag of "old" (read: not very used) toys and things to donate to kids who might use them. Kids will never learn to get rid of anything, just hang on to it until they have to throw it out because their parents are moving. I told my nibling to be sure to get rid of everything as you go, because it took me a full day to clean out my childhood bedroom, and there was still stuff left over.

In my dream world I'd love to see more yard sale like events where families can donate, and then purchase toys, games etc. at a discount. You clean out what you don't need, someone else gets it and it's not a huge hit to your wallet. We had that growing up, but it fell off the wayside.

[emilyinchile]

Jan 16, 2024 12:29:47 GMT -5 ohgillian said:

Does anyone get rid of so much stuff that you get rid of things you would want? This has happened to me only maybe two or three times. Sitting here right now, I can think of two things that I regret getting rid of. But life has moved on. I would rather maybe make a mistake once a decade than never get rid of anything.

Literally just this morning I was thinking how I wish I hadn't donated a pair of pants that at the time I never ever wore several years ago but now would since my job and style have changed. But I think I can live with that particular regret.

[kadams767]

Jan 16, 2024 12:29:47 GMT -5 ohgillian said:

I no longer get together with my mom at her house, it stresses me out too much.  We either go out or I host her in my home.  I was honest with her about why I don't want to spend time at her house, and she was (allegedly) really sad about it.  Initially, I thought that sadness, along with seeing my house in a reasonable state of clean with a reasonable amount of "stuff" would drive her to get rid of stuff and clean up a big, but it never did.  Each time I go there, usually only for a few minutes at a time, it is either the same or worse.

Your therapist is right, though, you don't have to stress yourself out by going there, and it isn't mean to not want to do so.  I sympathize with the guilt, but there is only so much we can do as children in this situation if our parents don't see a problem or don't want to change.