It is fascinating to me to see how “supported” equals division of labor for women, because it is just such a pervasive problem. I’m going to speak to other stuff because I think we have that part worked out and so many others have covered it.
So, what else makes me feel supported is that I know my husband truly enjoys spending time with me. We love doing stuff together and we will both pretty much do whatever the other wants to do — movies, dinner, comedy clubs, the ballet, etc. We like talking about current events. We text each other articles about the person who buys a painting at goodwill and it ends up worth millions or the pigeon that people think is a Chinese spy or other things like that.
We also both really want to stay married. We hang out with people that are supportive of marriage. We just have very similar values and goals around what marriage and family should look like for us. That makes me feel safe.
My husband is also incredibly supportive of my career which is very important to me. I would never be as successful as I am (with kids) without him being there every step of the way. And he isn’t insecure when I make more money than him. My success is our family’s success.
Our division of labor isn't perfectly equal across all things because I SAH, and he works, often more than 40 hrs per week. So I do most of the kid and house stuff, BUT he has really stepped up in the past few years to take on more of that labor, especially around driving them to activities. He also encourages me to consider the value of my time in doing things (like ordering groceries for delivery instead of spending 2 hours to/from the store and then being grumpy about it). There are a few activities he handles 100% on his own. For example, I don't even have the contact information for the girls' guitar and bass lessons, and he takes them every week. He's the laundry guy, which pisses off his mother to no end, so double points for that, lol.
A big one is that he encourages me to take time for myself. This looks like a lot of different things, but him telling me to step away and go for a walk, or just let something go (which he then will do so it's not waiting for me when I get back) actually really helps. He can read me like a book and knows when I need a break, but won't necessarily take one on my own. He encourages me to take a week of his vacation time every year and go somewhere alone. So for 3 years now I have gone somewhere in January without him or the kids. He thanks me for doing the jobs that I normally would do/that would normally fall to me since I SAH, which sounds dumb, but really helps me feel validated and appreciated. Like he thanks me for emptying the dishwasher, or for making dinner.
And when he realizes he really fucks something up, he usually gets me an apology gift, which I appreciate because I'm a little shallow, and like pretty things. I still really enjoy the earrings I got when I pointed out that planning a Disney vacation is a lot of work, and could he please, for the love of god, have an opinion on SOMETHING.
TO BE CLEAR. This has been something he's improved on immensely over the past few years. I won't deny that there were times I'd come home from my one book club a month to a completely wrecked kitchen, and lost my shit (and threatened to throw out our dishes and use disposable forever) because the 3 other capable people were literally sitting in the next room doing nothing for 3 hours. But he took notes and has been steadily making changes.
Post by gretchenindisguise on Feb 3, 2024 18:54:10 GMT -5
We actually had to have a conversation about this a month or so ago because I was transitioning from a lighter job to a more intense job both in terms of mental and time needs. He was big on supporting verbally but wasn't doing the best at supporting with actions. Once we had a conversation, he apologized for not doing it sooner and rose to the occasion.
Post by arehopsveggies on Feb 3, 2024 19:44:46 GMT -5
I was a SAHM for several years, then transitioned into being the higher wage earner, and threw grad school on top. We have had a major reversal in household roles and he has been amazing about it. I think I’ve done the dishes maybe three times since school started, have hardly stepped foot into the grocery store, and he is doing most of the cleaning. He tells everyone that i am working hard for our family and he can absolutely support that by stepping up at home. Some of it wasn’t easy for him - there were tasks I’d done for 20 years and he’d never had to really think about.
Also…. He makes my coffee every morning. I was a Starbucks a day person when we lived in a city. When we made the decision to move out to a small town, he bought an espresso machine and learned how to do my lattes perfectly.
We have four kids and I can’t imagine my H working 2-10. The evening routine (logistics of kids activities, homework help, bedtime routine etc) is a two person job and while one of us can do it a night or two a week on our own, it would be so hard for it to be a regular thing. I think it would be more important to me to have some extra help in the evenings over anything my H could do to support me.
🙋🏾♀️ It’s probably a bad sign that I can easily think of all the ways I don’t feel supported lately. Having a hard time coming up with anything helpful to add to this thread. 😔
We’ve had a long, very hard road to get here, but he’s taken on a lot of the things I don’t like doing and our split is now pretty even. It all boils down to making sure that I feel cared for.
- He does 99% of the cooking and all grocery pickup orders I place. - He started making me nightly chamomile tea at the beginning of the pandemic and has continued, even though I’m fully capable of making it myself. - He makes sure my gas tank is always full, or full-ish. - He packs DS’s lunch and makes sure he’s dressed and ready to leave for school. - We split night time duty, but he will offer to cover for me if I need to work or am stressed about work. - He will run out to get me a sweet treat anytime he thinks I’m exceptionally stressed. This one is a double edged sword! Lol.
We have four kids and I can’t imagine my H working 2-10. The evening routine (logistics of kids activities, homework help, bedtime routine etc) is a two person job and while one of us can do it a night or two a week on our own, it would be so hard for it to be a regular thing. I think it would be more important to me to have some extra help in the evenings over anything my H could do to support me.
This is a great point. My H can make all the coffee in the world, but if he’s not helping me supervise homework, wrangle soapy streakers into pajamas, and get everyone to bed, I’m going to feel burnt out and empty about a week into this arrangement.
I’d angle for more support *and* an extra set of hands in the evening.
Post by redheadbaker on Feb 3, 2024 20:14:37 GMT -5
He knows that I **hate** having blood drawn. It's always an ordeal b/c I have awful veins yet no phlebotomist believes me when I tell them. If it's just a test or two, I'm ok, but if it's going to be a lot, I don't even have to ask him to come with me -- he asks what day the appointment is and requests off.
On the days we are both working from home, he makes me breakfast. He knows I like my scrambled eggs a little on the runny side and lots of butter on my English muffin.
If I look frazzled in the morning, he asks what he can take off my plate. If I'm stressed out, he'll pick up peanut butter chocolate ice cream as a treat for me.
I think this looks a little different for each person and relationship. My H and I compliment each other very well in that we share the mental load very fairly and it just works seamlessly. Since my H is really good about keeping the house tidy, dishes done etc. the ways I need him to support me are more focused around his attitude toward me. We are the best partners and coparents, but often our relationship and any kind of love, flirtation, connection is lost to the needs of daily life. I feel most supported when he anecdotally will say “wow that was really cool/awesome/etc” or “I am really proud of you”. My love languages are 50% words of affirmation and 50% physical touch which really plays into that for me.
My love language is definitely acts of service and DH is good about that. As part of our division of labor he 100% handles grocery shopping and all meals, which is great, but when he senses I’m stressed he’ll take the kids out of the house for an activity (library, playground, hell even a bar & grill where he can watch football and have a beer while they eat French fries).
He’s also good at responding when I’ve had a rough day and I ask him to give me a neck rub or scratch my legs (lol) while we watch tv. Even stupid things like I’ll send a complaint via text during the day and he’ll make a photo collage of the kids crying / losing their shit and send with a note saying “DS and DD agree that is bullshit”. It makes me laugh and feel seen which is a great combo.
It is fascinating to me to see how “supported” equals division of labor for women, because it is just such a pervasive problem. I’m going to speak to other stuff because I think we have that part worked out and so many others have covered it.
So, what else makes me feel supported is that I know my husband truly enjoys spending time with me. We love doing stuff together and we will both pretty much do whatever the other wants to do — movies, dinner, comedy clubs, the ballet, etc. We like talking about current events. We text each other articles about the person who buys a painting at goodwill and it ends up worth millions or the pigeon that people think is a Chinese spy or other things like that.
We also both really want to stay married. We hang out with people that are supportive of marriage. We just have very similar values and goals around what marriage and family should look like for us. That makes me feel safe.
My husband is also incredibly supportive of my career which is very important to me. I would never be as successful as I am (with kids) without him being there every step of the way. And he isn’t insecure when I make more money than him. My success is our family’s success.
Well to be fair OP specifically asked about caretaking roles and I think division of labor is a big part of that. Also, half the reason I am in a relationship is to have someone to split half of the mundane division of labor things with. That’s the beauty and benefit! Hence, why I’ve always make it clear at the beginning of relationships that I won’t be doing much cooking and we need to figure out a system that works for us.
And let’s say my partner was 100% supportive of my career, we enjoyed spending time together, etc, but he wasn’t doing shit around the house or I had to direct him to do everything we would not be together. And I’m pretty sure he would say the same thing if I also didn’t contribute to the division of labor either.
Post by underwaterrhymes on Feb 3, 2024 21:28:52 GMT -5
H is really great.
He does most of the dishes and laundry, as well as the trash, kitty litter, and picking up dog poop in the backyard. I plan the meals and he orders our groceries online and picks it up. I do the vacuuming and he does the sweeping/mopping. I make the kids’ lunches in the morning and make dinner most nights, but he does drop off and pick up most days.
Some days my fatigue and pain is bad and he does more of the day to day stuff. He never makes me feel bad about this. I definitely carry more of the mental load (remembering and buying for birthdays for our loved ones and school stuff), but I feel like it all evens out because he handles so much of the other stuff.
Above all else, though, we really enjoy hanging out together. For me, that’s really important. He’s my best friend and even if we are just walking the dogs together or sitting on the couch watching House Hunters International, I know how I’m feeling matters immensely to him. He’s my best friend and I’m his and I never doubt that for a second. He makes me laugh and shows so much love to me and the boys every day.
ETA - he also tells me how beautiful or cute he thinks I am every day. This is not as important to me, because I feel that way myself without the affirmation, but I’m 100% certain I would miss it if he stopped. It’s especially nice because I don’t wear makeup, or change out of sweats most days.
I went back to work FT this past August after SAHM/working very PT for 7 years.
We take turns taking days off when DS' sick because our jobs are equally important. We split kid duty on weekends so we both get a break. It's been that was since DS(7.75) was 8 months old. H makes dinner at least 2-3x/week. H does big grocery shopping trips 2x/month. (I do the weekly we need more fruit/veggies etc.) H spends so much time with DS!
I've been quarantining in our bedroom with covid since Tuesday morning. Just last night H told me he appreciates how much I do for our DS and family because he's been doing it all since Tuesday morning.
The other stuff that makes me feel supported:
H makes sure to carve out 30-60 minutes for us at least 3-4x/week so we can chat, play a game or watch a show.
H tells me I'm a good mom, he appreciates me/loves me and thanks me for what I do every day.
H picks out stuff for me he knows I like or want when he's out running errands.
If I'm having a bad day/bad cramps and ask H to get me a DQ Blizzard he'll do it as soon as he can.
I need to know my husband thinks of me. Like Friday he was running errands and stopped at our fav bakery because I mentioned they had their valentines day desserts out. Little things like that mean so much to me. He thought of me during his mundane chores.
Also when it comes to the household, I need him to be as tuned in as me. I really shouldn’t have to tell him what to do. He should mostly know just like I notice things.
Regular dates. Regular sex are both very important to both of us.
And then space for both of us to do our own thing.
I’m seeing that there are a lot of great partners out there!
For the most part I feel like we’re good about sharing childcare and household duties though I do more by virtue of that being my job, while he brings home the bacon. But I’m not getting as much support as I’d like/want, if I’m being honest with myself. For instance, my husband doesn’t go out of his way to offer me breaks and can be passive aggressive when I take one or ask him to monitor the kids so I can take a GD shower. I also exclusively plan all of our family outings and reserve babysitters and plan our dates 1-2 times a month.
After reading through some of these responses I forwarded our babysitter’s contact information and a link to a new restaurant to him so he can make date night plans.
Years and years ago pre-kids on a random anniversary he planned a whole weekend for us - accommodations, restaurants, and activities and it was the sweetest, most wonderful gesture. I’ve told him multiple times over the years how much I loved that and he’s not attempted it again since. Over the past few years the excuses were the pandemic (valid) and then the kids. Well, we don’t have to do an overnight. My parents would watch the kids all day or we could get the babysitter. I don’t think I’m asking for much. I guess he hasn’t been great about making me feel special for a long while. 🤷🏻♀️
ETA: I want to be self-aware and admit that I’m probably not giving my best either. We have two very high-maintenance girls (2.5 and 5.5) that sap our energy and like a lot of middle class Americans we’re definitely feeling a financial strain. None of this helps, it just makes it harder.
H works varying shifts, but he regularly does 3:30-midnight. He's had the same job since before DS was born so this is all we've known.
If you want a tangible list of things H does that support our household and make my life easier while I'm solo parenting, he... - wakes up at 7 to make DS breakfast, chat with him a bit, and make sure he's ready for school. - naps for a couple hours because he usually sleeps 1am-7am and is still tired. - does base level household chores - laundry, dishes, makes bed, vacuums, etc. - preps food based on a planned menu - will go to the grocery store or do quick errands - will manage kid appointments if we're able to schedule them during these weeks - schedules and manages all of his own appointments - picks up DS at 2:30 and drops him off at home (I'm off at 2:30 and can pick up DS, but the timing and locations between school/home/work allow this to be part of the equitable parenting.)
When H is on day shift he is home at 3:45pm and we divide and conquer the evening. Neither of us sit until all the chores are done. H does the kid activities.
On Saturday morning we meal plan together, then I go grocery shopping while H and DS clean bathrooms, change sheets, etc.
What makes me FEEL supported is that H and I regularly check in with each other to see if we're getting enough alone time and couple time. H gets tons of alone time when he's on afternoons so he makes sure that I get time to myself on weekends or evenings when he's home. We almost never go out on dates, but we plan intentional time together after DS is in bed. If I say that I'm feeling disconnected, he drops everything (will cancel plans if necessary) to spend time with me.
Working the opposite shift from your spouse is not ideal, especially when it's a consistent shift like your husband. When DS was little (birth - age 3), H almost exclusively worked afternoons. It caused a lot of resentment in our relationship because I was working, then solo parenting through the worst hours of the day. DS was at daycare because we had to pay for a full time spot on the off chance H was scheduled for day shift. We had a lot of heated discussions over the years to reach the place we are at now.
If H were consistently on afternoons we would have to be very intentional with our weekends to make sure our family and relationship stayed in a good place. I think both of us would be pushing for him to find a different job because long term it is a really crappy schedule for a family. H's current job offers us just enough incentive to work with his rotating shift (his pay and benefits are a good bit more than a comparable job working straight days).
I hope you can reach a good place with your husband, that he actually hears you, and does the work you need to feel supported. Even if you are doing the physical labour with 3 kids every night, he should only be alleviating your load during the days, not adding to it. If he's a fourth child... no thanks. He can do that in his own space and your work load would lessen with just the kids to manage.
Post by followyourarrow on Feb 4, 2024 15:03:58 GMT -5
FI works 4 (at least) weeks on, where is he offshore, then 2 off weeks at home. His kids are grown, but we do have one of them living with us and 3 dogs along with 2 cats.
I take care of pretty much everything when he is gone, then he takes care of everything when he is home. Things he does that make me feel supported is setting up the pet food deliveries, doing amazon orders if I mention we are running out of something, having Walmart deliver groceries (the basics) if I'm overwhelmed. Right now he's doing all the planning for a weekend away that we'll take next time he's home. He's booked the hotel, bought tickets to the place we're visiting, and planned where we are eating. I take meds once a week and he checks in with me to make sure I take them and I'm taking care of myself. If possible we have a "date night" on Sunday nights where he picks a movie and we watch it together then have a call after, he often has food delivery sent for our date night. He schedules vet and grooming appointments for when he is home and he can take them.
I know our situation is unusual, but he still does his best to take things off my plate and make me feel supported.
Post by wanderlustmom on Feb 4, 2024 15:24:21 GMT -5
My two love languages are verbal appreciation and quality time. My husband's are acts of service and quality time. He's always been so sweet about giving me specific and kind compliments. I definitely do not look beautiful or sexy all the time, I am an almost 50 year old woman. But according to my husband, I am gorgeous, a wonderful mother, good therapist, great cook, etc. etc. It really doesn't get old. Ha ha.
He also is a big introvert so he's always looking for time with me because he is always home and he doesn't like to spread his energy so far. So me and both of our kids-well we are on his pedestal. We hang out all the time but he also is fine with me being an extrovert and making plans without him. Both of us accept the other person for who we are even if we often don't understand. I just enjoy regular nights with him more than anything. He loves that I'm a doer and when I make his life easier. He's my best friend and just a really good person. I was 25 when I met him and I could tell he was a stand up guy from the very beginning. I had a rough childhood but that made me have my eyes wide open with friends and boyfriends. I basically had to pick a man just about the opposite of my dad. The only way he and my dad are like each other is they are both frugal and love sports.
In terms of our break down, he works FT and is about to retire and I work PT. He does all our bills, taxes (including my small business which is super impressive he can do those), all the grocery shopping, some of the cooking, he took care of all of the kid sick stuff because I have a job that is not salary. He handles all of the kid sports, college stuff, medical paperwork. He's really good at planning vacations so he does all of it except for picking the restaurants since I'm the foodie. When the kids were younger he had to travel internationally for work and that sucked. I was also working and taking care of everything but we had to do it for his salary. Back then I definitely did more but he only did it to pay the bills. Some months he was gone three weeks but thank goodness that ended many years ago.
I do most of the cooking, we both clean (and have a cleaning service and yard service), I do the laundry. I plan our meals. We split the kid carpooling 50/50 but while he would never miss a game or swim meet I did occasionally. We both share the dog stuff but I do more just because I enjoy walking her more. When they were younger I did the mental load and I finally spoke up and got that changed. It wasn't either of our faults, took me awhile to figure it out and get it changed. Now it feels very even.
Acts of Service is what I need from a partner. I’ve always felt 50-50 with DH when it comes to parenting, but I’m still the default parent in a lot of ways and the primary breadwinner who works a lot more hours than DH. He has a lot of time at home when the kids are at school (like your DH) and I rarely do aside from WFH.
He does 80% of the grocery shopping and cooking, 90% of school lunches and getting kids ready to leave, and 70% of dropoff /pickup. If these conflict with his work schedule he’ll do meal prep, like cooking himself something for lunch with leftovers for the rest of us to heat up for dinner.
He’s not great at cleaning, organizing or doing any kind of paperwork and I handle all financial stuff. He does 80% of the dishes and I usually do laundry which he hates, but he’s been helping a lot more with it. I schedule and attend the majority of medical appts for the kids (and I have a lot personally), but as they are older if he’s not working I have him take them unless it’s something important. He does a lot of things half assed compared to how I would do them, but he’s improved over 15 years of marriage and I’ve learned not to complain, because I’m no longer doing the majority of the housework. I’ve learned to become less of the default parent. The kids do chores like all floors and cleaning bathrooms. It’s cleaner than it would be if I never have time to do it, or at least saves me some time and teaches them skills they need in life. I also ask DH to supervise chores. I don’t want to always have to be the nagging, unfun parent.
After a miscommunication and argument about sports sign ups, I have 100% delegated all responsibility for that to him and one less thing for me to track has been amazing. If he specifically needs me to help with getting the kids to practice I will, and we both attend most games with them.
Little thoughtful things mean a lot. Like, he’ll drop the kids at school, go to the grocery store and bring me back Starbucks. Also quality time, like going on a family outing on a rare weekend he doesn’t work when I know he probably wants to stay home and be lazy. He’s stubborn and wants to do what he wants to do his way when he wants to do it, so my type A personality has learned to take a step back and not micromanage. Communication is an area he could improve on. Like, sometimes he won’t tell me he’s stopping at the store or text me, then come home with groceries and I’m annoyed because I needed something. He gets annoyed when I insist he text me his ever changing work schedule (why can’t I remember if he tells me?) but I have 10 million other things to remember and need to put everything in my work calendar. He likes surprising me with lunch when I’m WFH but sometimes he doesn’t make it or sometimes he makes it late and I’ve already eaten. I don’t want to act entitled to him cooking every meal for me, but I don’t like surprises and I just want to know either way. So division of labor is good, but communication and quality time could improve.
Also, we are very independent people with different interests. He’s an extrovert but a homebody. I joke and say he’s the most anti-social social person I know. He has absolutely no issue with me going and doing what I want to do, like self-care, working out, girls night out, vacations to see my family with the kids while he stays home, etc. even if it cuts into our limited family time. I am an introvert so I prefer him to be with me for a lot of social events because he’s amazing in those situations but often he doesn’t want to go and I don’t want to go alone. We rarely get a babysitter or do a date night.
We’re separated and he now takes care of his own household and the kids when he has them. I get more “me” time than I know what to do with (no worries, I’m quickly figuring it out!) and get to recharge.
I know that’s not what you asked for, but just another perspective. <3
DH supports my career, friend time and family stuff.
I see a lot of posts on actual household tasks but I feel like I have covered what he does which is a lot on here before.
If he slacks for whatever reason even legitimate reasons, I feel it immediately because there is so much to do in this season of our lives. And I let him know immediately because that is our relationship and he responds fairly quickly. Maybe not same day but tends to notice the overload and do more the next day or next weekend.
For me, the 2-10 pm schedule would not be that doable. Are you able to hire some help for the evenings? We did this when I had a newborn and she came 2-3 days a week for something like 3-7 pm. This allowed me to run errands, pick up other kid from daycare, make dinner etc without having a newborn on me. And even take a nap sometimes.
Post by wanderingback on Feb 4, 2024 21:09:06 GMT -5
Also, I would like to say that even though he works from 2-10 and might not be physically present during the busy times there is A LOT that he could do. Please don’t make excuses for him since this has been a long pattern. He should be able to come up with things to keep the household running. I think most of your kids are in school so he would have plenty of uninterrupted time to do chores or errands. Examples:
Daily/regular tasks: Cook dinner, so then all you have to do is heat it up Make sure dishes are clean/dishwasher unloaded (if you have one) Do laundry and put it away
As needed tasks: Schedule and take kids to medical/dental appointments Run errands for household supplies
If he works a 2-10 then I would feel since you do all the evening stuff he should do the morning. So have him get the kids up and ready and off to school and use the mornings to have time to yourself - probably best to actually leave the house early at least a couple days of the week or you’ll be tempted to help him out and get sucked back in.
It is fascinating to me to see how “supported” equals division of labor for women, because it is just such a pervasive problem. I’m going to speak to other stuff because I think we have that part worked out and so many others have covered it.
So, what else makes me feel supported is that I know my husband truly enjoys spending time with me. We love doing stuff together and we will both pretty much do whatever the other wants to do — movies, dinner, comedy clubs, the ballet, etc. We like talking about current events. We text each other articles about the person who buys a painting at goodwill and it ends up worth millions or the pigeon that people think is a Chinese spy or other things like that.
We also both really want to stay married. We hang out with people that are supportive of marriage. We just have very similar values and goals around what marriage and family should look like for us. That makes me feel safe.
My husband is also incredibly supportive of my career which is very important to me. I would never be as successful as I am (with kids) without him being there every step of the way. And he isn’t insecure when I make more money than him. My success is our family’s success.
Well to be fair OP specifically asked about caretaking roles and I think division of labor is a big part of that. Also, half the reason I am in a relationship is to have someone to split half of the mundane division of labor things with. That’s the beauty and benefit! Hence, why I’ve always make it clear at the beginning of relationships that I won’t be doing much cooking and we need to figure out a system that works for us.
And let’s say my partner was 100% supportive of my career, we enjoyed spending time together, etc, but he wasn’t doing shit around the house or I had to direct him to do everything we would not be together. And I’m pretty sure he would say the same thing if I also didn’t contribute to the division of labor either.
I agree - I took OP as asking what she needs to ask for help with and since I had to deal with many years of a 2nd shift working spouse and small kids, that was how I answered.
People don't realize how challenging having a 2nd shift working parent can be in a household. They are gone the hours everyone else is home and awake for days and days. Those after school/work hours and up through bedtime are crucial quality time that they just don't get. There were days I just sat and cried after the kids were in bed because I was exhausted and they missed their dad that night. I had to help them through their feelings when I missed him too. I look at the clock and there was still 3+ hours until he was home (my DH worked an hour away so he was gone 1p-12a. There honestly were no date nights, going to the movies when you barely see your spouse all week. And he didn't want to leave the boys on his days off. Neither did I because that was our only quality family time outside of vacations/holidays.
Of course, there are other families that have challenging hours (those that travel regularly, on call spouses, long working hours, deployment, etc) so I know we are not unique or alone but I absolutely understand how hard that is. Add in a sick parent and it's no wonder OP feels overwhelmed.
Just last night I made a comment to H (via facetime) that this time of year is really hard for us because he is gone from 6am-8pm 6 or 7 days a week. It is JUST me, and I feel so unsupported, both logistically and emotionally in that my partner is not there to talk through my life.
He equally feels unsupported by me because I am too burnt out to also deal with his emotions and stress from working such insane hours.
It is really a struggle and makes me realize how much better we are the rest of the year (**thanks to LOTS of work on both of our parts)
The biggest example of feeling supported is I did all the meal prep a week ago Sunday. DH could see it took me quite a while and was a huge burden (I gave him a pass as he had been up since 4 am working the buffet breakfast at his fire department until 3 pm). This weekend I decided to spread it over three days and he jumped right in to help me all three days without being asked. It made the prep so much easier and it was something we could do together. I also had to feed the office cats Sat morning and do a grocery pick up. I was planning to let him sleep in but he insisted on going with me.
So while overall we share the household workload it's these little things that mean the most to me and make me feel supported.
While I think it's really good that you are thinking through what you need from others and asking them for it, I also think you would benefit from setting boundaries for yourself. I really love what a PP said about your H getting the kids ready in the morning, and that you should leave the house early so that HE HAS TO. Because honestly? That's the only way it's going to happen.
Or when your sister is supposed to do something with/for your mom and she flakes on it and calls you to cover for her - you need to say no.
Stop being so available! If you need help with this, 2 book recommendations that I just put in another thread: "Boundaries" by Cloud & Townsend, which comes at this topic from a Christian perspective (so addresses the guilt that can come from growing up with a religious background); and "Set Boundaries, Find Peace" by Tawwab, which is secular. I listed to the audio version of this one and thought it was fantastic to literally HEAR examples of direct but kind boundary setting.