While I think it's really good that you are thinking through what you need from others and asking them for it, I also think you would benefit from setting boundaries for yourself. I really love what a PP said about your H getting the kids ready in the morning, and that you should leave the house early so that HE HAS TO. Because honestly? That's the only way it's going to happen.
Or when your sister is supposed to do something with/for your mom and she flakes on it and calls you to cover for her - you need to say no.
Stop being so available! If you need help with this, 2 book recommendations that I just put in another thread: "Boundaries" by Cloud & Townsend, which comes at this topic from a Christian perspective (so addresses the guilt that can come from growing up with a religious background); and "Set Boundaries, Find Peace" by Tawwab, which is secular. I listed to the audio version of this one and thought it was fantastic to literally HEAR examples of direct but kind boundary setting.
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I am going to get these two books. You’re right, I have enough to do that I actually HAVE to do, I don’t need to take anything else on right now.
Thanks for all your suggestions, even though, as Dick suggested, it is making me question my life choices.
I am going to start with asking for more help in the morning. He acts like picking up after the kids and taking the trash and recycling is pulling his weight (while constantly bitching and moaning about it).
Is that literally all he does? Pick up after kids and take out trash/ recycle while complaining? That’s it. I’m thinking a lot of swearwords right now.
Also divorce sounds like a great way to offload 50% of the work.
While I think it's really good that you are thinking through what you need from others and asking them for it, I also think you would benefit from setting boundaries for yourself. I really love what a PP said about your H getting the kids ready in the morning, and that you should leave the house early so that HE HAS TO. Because honestly? That's the only way it's going to happen.
Or when your sister is supposed to do something with/for your mom and she flakes on it and calls you to cover for her - you need to say no.
Stop being so available! If you need help with this, 2 book recommendations that I just put in another thread: "Boundaries" by Cloud & Townsend, which comes at this topic from a Christian perspective (so addresses the guilt that can come from growing up with a religious background); and "Set Boundaries, Find Peace" by Tawwab, which is secular. I listed to the audio version of this one and thought it was fantastic to literally HEAR examples of direct but kind boundary setting.
[br
I am going to get these two books. You’re right, I have enough to do that I actually HAVE to do, I don’t need to take anything else on right now.
Thanks for all your suggestions, even though, as Dick suggested, it is making me question my life choices.
I am going to start with asking for more help in the morning. He acts like picking up after the kids and taking the trash and recycling is pulling his weight (while constantly bitching and moaning about it).
Your last comment here is what, for me, would be the total antithesis of feeling supported.
Support to me is that my husband view us as partners who have built a life & manage it together because these were our joint choices. Consistent complaining about the normal responsibilities of our life would feel like I could never ask for more because even the most mundane is met with resistance.
- Morning prep for the kid - Laundry - School drop off one day per week - All outside chores - Figure out dinner at least 50% of the time - Listen to me when I ask/explain/vent & respond appropriately - Be proactive about general adulting (changing sheets, oil changes,, doctor appointments) - Do not expect me to be the default anything
I am going to get these two books. You’re right, I have enough to do that I actually HAVE to do, I don’t need to take anything else on right now.
Thanks for all your suggestions, even though, as Dick suggested, it is making me question my life choices.
I am going to start with asking for more help in the morning. He acts like picking up after the kids and taking the trash and recycling is pulling his weight (while constantly bitching and moaning about it).
Your last comment here is what, for me, would be the total antithesis of feeling supported.
Support to me is that my husband view us as partners who have built a life & manage it together because these were our joint choices. Consistent complaining about the normal responsibilities of our life would feel like I could never ask for more because even the most mundane is met with resistance.
This. Support for me is when things are done without asking. We have our normal division of responsibility which is about 50/50 but when he can tell I’m at my end he will pick up some of my 50.
If you’re doing 2-10 the least he can do is getting them up and on the bus and a few things to prep to make the evening smoother.
If all he’s doing is taking the trash out then…well your daughter can do that.
I am going to get these two books. You’re right, I have enough to do that I actually HAVE to do, I don’t need to take anything else on right now.
Thanks for all your suggestions, even though, as Dick suggested, it is making me question my life choices.
I am going to start with asking for more help in the morning. He acts like picking up after the kids and taking the trash and recycling is pulling his weight (while constantly bitching and moaning about it).
Your last comment here is what, for me, would be the total antithesis of feeling supported.
Support to me is that my husband view us as partners who have built a life & manage it together because these were our joint choices. Consistent complaining about the normal responsibilities of our life would feel like I could never ask for more because even the most mundane is met with resistance.
This is articulated so, SO well. ProfessorArtNerd, you've known for a long time you need a partner - THAT is what being supported in a relationship means!
Post by MixedBerryJam on Feb 6, 2024 20:01:10 GMT -5
I'm probably not going to articulate this well, so I apologize ahead and I mean it sincerely, but for me the"being supported" is kind of incompatible with the "asking" for it. But I know you have to start somewhere, asked learning to ask is great in that respect, if that makes sense. I was just telling someone that one thing I miss to this day is that whenever I would get in the shower in the morning, when I got out of the shower a hot mug of brewed tea was waiting for me on the counter. I don't think I even asked for it the first time; it just always appeared! I live alone now and I'm always disappointed when it's not there.
Another, bigger one, was finance related. Idk what your financial responsibility are, but when I stopped working when my kids were born I was very uncomfortable with asking for money. And he was equally uncomfortable with the idea that he had it and I didn't, so we just always both took responsibility for finances, and we both knew where we stood, what our long term plans were, etc. Plus we both had life insurance, which I found reassuring personally.
Our chores were pretty gendered but we were comfortable with that, the upshot being we didn't have a ton of fights over "you didn't do X" or "why do I always have to ask for Y" bc we each knew what we were responsible for. To the point where I handled cat puke and he handled the litter box.
And it's not like we never fought bc my nickname for us was "The Bickersons." I know I'm looking through rose-tinted lenses tonight so I'm sure I'm misremembering but I can only think of one - okay, two - big fights where I felt truly disrespected. After the second fight I remember hollering to him as he walked to the car to go to work that I hoped he didn't die before he got home that night bc that would mean he was an asshole the last time his wife saw him. So I guess that went both ways.
While I think it's really good that you are thinking through what you need from others and asking them for it, I also think you would benefit from setting boundaries for yourself. I really love what a PP said about your H getting the kids ready in the morning, and that you should leave the house early so that HE HAS TO. Because honestly? That's the only way it's going to happen.
Or when your sister is supposed to do something with/for your mom and she flakes on it and calls you to cover for her - you need to say no.
Stop being so available! If you need help with this, 2 book recommendations that I just put in another thread: "Boundaries" by Cloud & Townsend, which comes at this topic from a Christian perspective (so addresses the guilt that can come from growing up with a religious background); and "Set Boundaries, Find Peace" by Tawwab, which is secular. I listed to the audio version of this one and thought it was fantastic to literally HEAR examples of direct but kind boundary setting.
[br
I am going to get these two books. You’re right, I have enough to do that I actually HAVE to do, I don’t need to take anything else on right now.
Thanks for all your suggestions, even though, as Dick suggested, it is making me question my life choices.
I am going to start with asking for more help in the morning. He acts like picking up after the kids and taking the trash and recycling is pulling his weight (while constantly bitching and moaning about it).
I totally support you asking for more help, but aren’t you like 99.99% sure at this point that he will never change? Haven’t you asked for help over the years? Begged him to change his work schedule? Etc? Maybe I’m mixing up posters.
As the prior poster said, all you can really change is the boundaries you set — but that isn’t going to change him into the guy who unloads the dishwasher, gets the kids ready, etc. Does your therapist really understand how many years you have been dancing this dance? Are you focused on what you can really live with for 40 more years or so? I want nothing but the best for you — you seem to be a kind and loving person to everyone (except yourself).