What makes you feel supported? Relationship wise

[ProfessorArtNerd]

The reason I started going back to therapy after a year + break is that I am dealing with a lot of caretaker burnout. Between three kids of very different ages and need levels, both my parents being in poor health and then my dad dying, and just daily life. I don’t have a lot left for me. Add in that H works 2-10 now, the busiest part of the day?

Anyway, my homework for this week is to figure out ways I need support and start asking for it. But I’m at a loss. My mom did all this stuff that I’m doing and more. My dad was hands off for the most part. I guess I don’t really know what support even looks like.

So I’ll take all your anecdotal stories and examples, if you please. All I can think of are the ways I am on my own.

Thanks so much!

[Jalapeñomel]

DH does all the morning stuff: preps lunches, snacks, takes kids to daycare or to the bus, finishes up homework, makes coffee, emptied the dishwasher, starts my car.

We equally split taking time away when a kid is sick, so if he took the last day off, I take the next one off. We both update the calendar regularly, and we sort of have a weekly meeting on Sunday days about the week ahead.

Before we add to the calendar, we talk to each other first.

He plans and cooks meals because I HATE it. I do laundry for the swap.

We plan dates for sex and watching shows/hanging out (this sucks but it is what it is).

We have to talk to each other regularly, a lot, throughout the day, everyday, even menially stuff to stay connected.

[imimahoney]

My husband handles most nighttime stuff so I can get to bed early (and wake up early to work out).

We split kid weekend activities so we both get some downtime.

We sit together at the counter each night to chat. Sometimes doing connections together but often just going through our days.

[chilerellanos]

I need to know that I’m not on my own emotionally.

I don’t need to sit and talk and talk and talk, because I can do therapy for that.

But I need to feel safe enough I can even be vulnerable enough to bring it up in the first place and have them listen.

[SusanBAnthony]

Some examples of things that make me feel supported:

If I tell H I have to work tonight and he offers to do dinner cleanup for me even though it's my night (we each have nights where we are in charge of both dinner and clean up).

When we have a kid Dr appointment that I am supposed to handle but I have a busy day and H offers to handle it

When H offers to handle (or just preemptively handles) tasks I HATE like filling out school evaluations or scheduling IEP meetings or going to school conferences.

[wanderingback]

Well we talk(ed) about everything when we first started dating 10 years ago and then again after our daughter was born to set expectations and meet both our needs.

Essentially things are 50/50 and I don’t have to worry/think about the things he does. For example, he does the vast majority of the grocery shopping and cooking.

For our daughter, big picture he’s in charge of her clothes (buying stuff, laundry, etc) and toys while I’m in charge of her food stuff.
So those are just specific examples but what makes me feel supported is that we work as a team and at the same time communicate if there are additional things that are needed, if something is super stressful or if we think something isn’t working as intended.

For example re: stress- we moved about 6 months ago. My mom did come to stay with us to help with the baby but I didn’t take any days off work and it was a stressful week and my partner didn’t have any big projects at the time. So he did all the unpacking and organizing while I was at work. I didn’t have ask him to do that and he took his own initiative to get the apartment all unpacked and sorted.

[joy]

Self awareness and communication.

“You worked late and I didn’t clean up. I’m sorry - I’m tired, too. I didn’t leave it for you to do and I’ll do it as soon as I feel ready.” This answer is just as fine for me as cleaning up when I work late. We’re both dealing with shit. Let’s just be real with each other and aware of each other.

[wanderingback]

Oh and 1 more thing - being ok with my independence as well. That includes hobbies, traveling alone, going out with friends, going out by myself, etc. It makes me feel super supported that he understands those things are important to me. And now that we have a daughter those things have continued and I don’t have to "ask permission" to go out. I just tell him I’m doing X so make sure you don’t make plans and will be with our daughter during that time.

[dontlook]

We both know our “roles and jobs”. I handle a lot of the day-to-day stuff as a SAHM. H handles the bigger random projects such as: painting, cleaning carpets, monthly home maintenance, car maintenance, and finances. I know that if I’m just not feeling it and need him to handle one of my jobs he will do it with no problem. I recognize that he’s not a mind reader and if I need help I need to speak up. It’s not him being lazy of weaponizing incompetence- he truly doesn’t think about the things I handle and I dont think about the stuff he does. Asking and getting help makes me feel very supported.

[cjcouple]

My husband used to work that shift when my boys were small. it sucked.

Things he did that helped. He got the kids ready and to school in the mornings.

He would unload dishwasher (I'd load and run at night)

He'd also help run laundry. start a load, flip or sort laundry.

I carpooled a little when needed with moms of teammates.

dinner was challenging but I'd often do simple dinners a couple nights a week to lessen the load. Things like soup and grilled cheese, pancakes and fruit, tacos.

It wasn't my favorite time of our lives but we managed it well for many years.

He is working days now (closes one night a week) and he still makes their lunches and drops them off on his way to work even at high school ages) lol. We kind of spoil them with that.



ETA: oh yeah he also did groceries as needed (this was a split responsibility),some Dr or dentist appts, etc.
sometimes He'd throw dinner in crock pot (He'd take leftover the next day) or on his day off.

He always made dinner on his days off too because he knew I was cooking 5 other days for the most part and needed the break.

In all actuality, I had to do more (unavoidable with that shift. I was responsible for sports transporting, dinner, homework, baths, bedtime, after dinner cleanup, etc. But he did help as much as possible given his working hours.

[cville]

For kid logistics, it's mostly him doing the day to day. I have a lot of that for work and hate it, he has none for work and loves it. I generate ideas ("L would like to try taekwondo, I found this place"), he then soup to nuts does all the payment, scheduling, arranging, and about 75% of the transportation stuff. L, who is 14, was like "acts of service are dad's love language." Sometimes he's too efficient at it. Like how he scheduled O's birthday parties when he was teeny TWO YEARS IN A ROW for when I was out of town. We got a shared google calendar after that.

I handle all medical for the kids and he handles all dental.

We split responsibilities in the house and I trust him 100% and don't ever have to question or follow up. I'm cleaning, pool, laundry, and clothes management. He's food, yard, cars.

I feel logistically supported and that gives me, a highly anxious type A person, so much peace of mind. He understands that and follows through.

I am also the emotional sounding board for my kids. They love and confide in their dad, but he's not as adept at thinking of ways to deal with a crying jag or outburst, recognizing when one of them is troubled about something, etc. BUT when I get burned out from that and tell him, he plays defense for me for a day or so and takes over.

He hates coffee, but makes me coffee every single morning anyway. He even signed me up for a coffee bag subscription from a place I went to and loved once.

He says please and thank you. He's nice to my family and my friends. He laughs at my jokes and makes me laugh. He asks my opinion and listens to my answers. He spontaneously gives me hugs. He doesn't get moody and defensive if I tell him I'm fried and need 30 minutes totally alone.

It's just 10 small things each day that add up to feeling like he's glad he married me and that we're a team.

[SusanBAnthony]

If I could pick one supportive thing for H to 100% handle with that work schedule, it would be having him do all of the doctors, dentist, and school appointments. All of that can easily be done before he goes to work and is a huge logistical and mental pain in the ass.

[eb777888]

The way I feel most supported is my H always asks me "how can I help?" And I know that if I ever told him I'm struggling, I'm drowning, he'd drop everything to help and support me in any way I need.

Admittedly, our day to day is pretty simple but for as what he does/I do- H does all car maintenance- including inspections, car washes, tire changes. House maintenance, pays the bills, all of David's weekend activities like robotics he drives and picks him up. One nice thing H started doing for me that I didn't ask for is take David to school Friday mornings so I can sleep in.

We all do our own laundry. David feeds/walks the dog and does all trash things and the lawn.

I do all of David's school stuff- the meetings, pick-up/drop-off, volunteering, etc. I also do all of the meal prep and most of cooking and cleaning, handle the doctor/dentist appointments, run all of the errands, etc. SAH mom stuff.

[Jalapeñomel]

Oh, and sometimes my husband buys me stuff...like flowers or a random shirt or a taco. Just because. It reminds me that he thinks of me, and it makes me feel important.

[cville]

When threads collide: yesterday I mentioned that I was annoyed I'd forgotten to get myself a new bottle of body lotion when I went to target last week. This morning when he went to the grocery store, he picked one up for me.

It's just a bottle of lotion, but it's like he listened, he cared, he handled it.

[emilyinchile]

What makes me FEEL the most supported is any action that shows that he is also aware of everything it takes to keep our household running. That can be "I bought this one item because I saw we were out" or (much less frequently) "I got price quotes from three companies for that thing we need to do, here they are." I am so much the coordinador, due to both personalities and patriarchy, that having something just HANDLED is always really nice.

With everything you have going on, I think a certain amount of set task division is also important. There need to be things that you can know he's going to do so that you can get them off your mental load plate.

[Jalapeñomel]

Feb 3, 2024 10:19:47 GMT -5 cville said:

When threads collide: yesterday I mentioned that I was annoyed I'd forgotten to get myself a new bottle of body lotion when I went to target last week. This morning when he went to the grocery store, he picked one up for me.

It's just a bottle of lotion, but it's like he listened, he cared, he handled it.

100%

Yesterday, DH had to take D to the ortho. He said, "can you text me the address." Almost immediately, he said, "wait, nevermind, I can google same as you."

[7costanza]

We have a shared Google calendar and he is good about looking at it before making plans, adding appointments to it, etc. He didn’t always use it consistently and it’s not his style to be so regimented with scheduling so I appreciate that he does it anyway because he knows how much it helps me.

The physical work of running household with two kids is split pretty evenly, though I do take more of the mental load. What helps with that is that he is very appreciative and will talk through any issue I’m dealing with.

We are also both introverts and need time alone to recharge so one night a week we do our own thing after the kids go to bed (he plays video games and I soak in the hot tub.) we also take turns sleeping in until 10am on weekends. There’s also full support when one of us has plans with friends, the other will be on kid duty with no pushback (or very rarely lol)

[Patsy Baloney]

So there are definitely logistical things that make me feel supported - getting the kids ready for school while I get ready in the morning, since he leaves later than we do, helping with meal prep, washing dishes, playing with the kids, etc.

But I also feel supported when he takes care of his own needs. He goes to his regular doctors appointments, sees his therapist, recognizes his flaws and works on them. Being the best version of himself is important to him. I want the best for him, but it’s not my job to get him there. It means a lot to me that, while we rely on each other for a lot, he’s not using me as a mental health crutch or a mother or any of those things I don’t want to be. That takes a lot off my plate and allows me to do me and not lose my identity.

[annieh22]

Outside of logistics and splitting tasks, I FEEL most supported when he notices me. It sounds so simple, but it’s developed from years of learning about each and caring for each other through all life throws our way.

So he’ll tell me to sit down and enjoy the silent house when he’s taking the kids somewhere for a few hours since he knows that’s something I need to recharge.
Or if he’s working on tasks, he’ll tell me that it’s ok for me to take a break. Just because he’s checking things off the to-do list, doesn’t mean I need to.

Basically he encourages me to take a bit of time for me and that’s huge to me as I’m not good at prioritizing myself.

[babsbunny]

I hope the responses help the OP like they are helping me. We don't have kids or pets so life is simple, but chores still exist. We divided some specific chores in the past and DH naturally gets entrenched in habits, but I think I need to talk about them again because I don't want to be the only person who has ever cleaned our bathroom (for example).

DH thought I liked grocery shopping. Um, lol for days. At least now he knows I do it because I am fast and the chore doesn't bother me as much as it might bother him. Same reason I do trash and laundry. But he did trash this week when I was running late from work, and that is my example of feeling supported.

Another way I feel supported is when there are no critisms of a chore I did. I got our shed repainted (paint was peeling off). It doesn't look good, but it's now protected from sun and rain. It's not perfect, but it's good enough and done.

[brooke77]

Agree on independence. I feel supported when my own social life, hobbies, and interests aren’t seen as being selfish.

I also feel very supported when DH is flexible. We have a general 50/50 split, but I truly appreciate it when the split is unequal and DH is understanding. For example, if I’ve had a stressful day at work, DH will take over bedtime even if it’s my “turn”.

[wanderingback]

Feb 3, 2024 10:15:01 GMT -5 Jalapeñomel said:

Oh, and sometimes my husband buys me stuff...like flowers or a random shirt or a taco. Just because. It reminds me that he thinks of me, and it makes me feel important.

Yes!
My partner ordered take out the other day and I told him I wasn’t hungry so order whatever, so I didn’t even know what he got. When I came downstairs later he told me he got me mango sticky rice cause he knows I love it (he never eats dessert!).

Or a few months ago he was out with a friend and I guess that ended up at this market and he bought me these hand made unique earrings.

I’m not a huge "stuff" person at all but little things like that do make me feel seen and supported.

[HRH Queen Dick I, Orphan]

Anyone else questioning their life choices rn?

[rhian]

Household and childcare responsibilities are split evenly, which makes me feel like he values my time and my job. A lot of the times, we discuss how to make it equal, but he also sees when there are things that I do and finds ways to balance it, without me saying anything. For example, when I was nursing my son overnight (for over a year), he always got up early in the mornings with him and let me sleep in a little more.

He will happily take on more when I can't (busy time at work, sick, etc). For example, when I was nauseous and exhausted during the first trimester of pregnancy, he told me to go to bed early and handled dinner and bedtime for our toddler himself most of the time for a few weeks.

He listens to all of my random vents, feelings, and stories, and will help me process or figure out what to do.

He always supports me going out with friends. I usually check in with him before confirming, but he is always fine with watching our son himself when I make plans with friends.

He does random things that let me know he thinks of me and wants to make my life easier or better. He'll often scrape the ice off my car in the morning, or pick up a treat at the grocery store or a coffee shop for me while I'm out.

Basically, I overall feel like we make a good team and I am better off with him in my life.

[Roc A Bee]

I feel most supported when DH does the tasks I hate. Emptying the dishwasher- specifically the utensil part. Pretty much all cooking. All in person grocery shopping (I’ll order stuff).

[tacokick]

No kids but my husband puts out and feeds the dogs in the morning and puts them back to bed because I get up later.

He doesn’t drink coffee but he makes my cold brew and buys coffee for me to try.

I do most of the grocery shopping/errands during the week but he runs out for anything we need at the store or Costco on the weekends.

We split cooking pretty 50/50. He takes out the trash, we split dishes.

He gets any takeout/does any errands at night because I hate driving in the dark.

I take care of most aspects of my dad’s life but he takes him to cardiology appointments and when my dad has had some outpatient procedures done he took him and even spent the night.

He handles taking the dogs to the vet unless it’s just a drop off because every time I go, there is some dog with an injury that stresses me out.

I did the laundry for like 15 years but since he’s worked from home he has taken over.

We plan what we want to do together and make goals even if they are small. Like we want to bake bread more and actually play our board games regularly. But also vacations/day trips/holidays.

I take trips alone to take classes or get a break and it’s not a big deal. He has dinner ready when I return.

He handles his parents and his health. We do back to back eye appointments so he can drive me home after.

He will pick up treats when he’s out and gets me great presents I actually like.

He’s always on my side! We are very much a unit and united front in all aspects of our life. Things that are important to me are important to him.

[W.T.Faulkner]

Try not to frame it as “needing support.” That places you in the primary role as the caregiver, manager, etc. You need him to care for the home and the family, which is just as much his responsibility as yours. He needs to be taking care of things before and after work that will make your rough hours (after school and evening) much easier.

I am saying this with a lot of love. This has been an issue for him for a long time, if I’m remembering correctly. I’m glad you’re trying to figure out what you can delegate to help make your life easier, but I’m pissed that, yet again, you’re doing the mental labor of figuring out how to get a more equitable workload. He should be figuring this out for you.

[loira]

Take with a grain of salt because I am the main breadwinner and my H is generally the primary parent and only works part time. I would say I feel pretty supported in my relationship.We have 1 DD (8).

He has 100% responsibility for the following:

Laundry
Dishes
General kitchen cleaning
Cleaning bathrooms
Making lunches
School pickup/drop off

We share after school activities because some of DD's activities are at the rec centre and I like to go to the gym while she's in class. We also share other household chores.

I am the primary parent for school stuff because it is a francophone school and my H doesn't speak French.

Emotionally he's pretty supportive as well. He makes sure to consider my needs and he's a good listener.

[1confused1]

Feb 3, 2024 13:36:48 GMT -5 HRH Queen Dick I, Orphan said:

Anyone else questioning their life choices rn?

Definitely reaffirming my decision to get divorced.