I don't think there was anything wrong with your post. I'm a single mom, I understand child support has an expiration date, mine is supposed to continue through college, not all states require that.
It's a big chunk of money that is no longer mandated to go to a specific source, I didn't take it to mean you were cutting SS off at 18. I'd stick about $500 a month into an account earmarked for helping SS and $200 a month towards a vacation. After 6 months to a year, reevaluate the split based on what you have helped him with.
All I can do is apologize and say that I was speaking only about our certain circumstances with our son's mother without many many details over 18 years. I'm sorry.
The only thing my husband ever wanted was to be a father to his son and to have him in his life as much as he possibly could. He fought hard for 50/50, not because he wanted to lower child support (it didn't), but because he wanted his son in his life. And then I went and grossly misrepresented him and us with this post and reduced the relationship to dollar signs.
Again, I deserve the flaming and I'll take my due. I'm sorry.
I don’t think you deserve to be flamed and I’m sorry for my flippant comment about your child reading this post.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with continuing to support your stepson in the was that you already do beyond the mandated child support while also putting that $700 towards something fun for you.
I would assume you’re not going to give each of your other children $700 a month once they’re headed to college and adulthood. Most parents start to give less financial support as their kids reach adulthood.
Guys, glitzy has been here for a long time and has always talked about including all of the kids and how much they work to be equal.
I would probably do 1/2 and 1/2. Half in savings and half toward a vacation. Maybe the half you save can go toward an apt down payment in the future for him. Or similar.
I wouldn’t put more in the 529 since you don’t know his future plans education wise and don’t want more than needed tied up.
I would open a new savings account and mentally earmark it for supporting SS and put the $700 per month there for at least a year. That will give you time to figure out what support looks like for him moving forward based on his plans and needs. It probably makes sense to have a conversation with him after his graduation and figure out how to support him in reaching g his goals.
Then if in a year or two, he isn’t needing much support, you’ll have extra saved for other uses.
ETA: Spending money to help get kids launched is worthwhile from both an emotional / relational angle and a practical / long term financial angle.
I agree with this. For my kids, I'm assuming they will go on to college or other schooling after HS and I will support them. I actually assume it will cost more than supporting them in HS. So I'd save the money to help with tuition, books, buying a car, getting their first apartment, whatever it is. I don't consider kids "on their own" until the graduate college and have a real job.
Maybe save half and put half towards car payments or a vacation fund?
I get where you are coming from because I'm already daydreaming about what we will do with the extra money we get once we are done paying for daycare for DD2 in the fall (6 more months to go!!!). However most likely we will just up our 529 contributions, so while it is fun to daydream, reality is that the money goes fast when it comes to kids.
It sounds like you already have some money built into your budget outside of the $700/month that goes to the care of your stepson that will continue. I didn't read it as that you were seeing yourself as done with him. I do agree that you might want to set aside at least some of the $700 for his expenses.
I think the suggestions to discuss with your husband what ongoing support looks like for all of your children after they finish high school makes sense. Different people have different philosophies/abilities to continue to provide financial support for their young adult children, so I think it makes sense to get on the same page, and then apply the same thinking to all of your children. That will probably help you determine how much of the $700 will need to continue to be set aside for your stepson's expenses.
Is this kid going away to college (tech school, whatever)?
Isn't a portion of that former child support going to continue to support his son as he launches into adulthood?
But to your question, the answer is if course travel with it. Personally I'd do one big trip first, then split it into practical savings and fun, 50/50.
As of now his plan is to go to some sort of trade school, but nothing has been finalized. We have some in a 529 for him and his mom has been putting away some of the child support money for a while to give to him for school as well. He has a full time job lined up for the summer and will continue to live with his mom. While I'm sure we'll still be supporting him financially in some ways, it won't be at the same level as it has been.
I’m committing the sin of not reading all of the replies. But be careful about planning on 529 money for trade school. Not every trade school meets the requirements for being to use 529 money. For example, my son is doing a post-high school automotive academy through BOCES and I cannot use 529 money for this.
Y'all do realize the $700 glitzy07 and her H had to pay in child support is IN ADDITION to the money they spend on him in daily life, right? They had 50/50 custody, they still had to support him beyond the money they paid in child support.
Coming at this from your angle, glitzy07, my SS is now 22. Child support stopped when he graduated high school (he was 18.5 when he graduated). We told him as long as he lived in our or his mom's house, we wouldn't stop paying for the things we always paid when child support was in the picture. We split college in thirds (1/3 us, 1/3 his mom, 1/3 him). However, if he moved out of the house, that was on him. He moved out at 20. We still put money that was always earmarked for child support into a separate savings account and if he called and said "hey, I unexpectedly need $200 to cover books this semester" or "my tire went flat and I need a knew one" we would pull from that account to help him. He's still on my insurance, his mom still pays his cell phone bill. We didn't cut him off 100%, and I don't know when we will, but for now we still help when we can.
Post by litskispeciality on Feb 7, 2024 15:26:51 GMT -5
Since you talked about re-framing this life transition I think you and your H need to revisit what financial support for all of your children will look like once each one turns 18. I don't think you have any intention of just shutting off financial support, but a May birthday for a potential June high school graduate for example seems like grace should be given at least until they've "made it" through one life mile stone.
You need to be fair to all of your children, so let this be the precedent if you will as to what you'll continue to support financially and if there are rules around support. Bootstraps generation I had friends who's parents charged them (reduced) rent for living at home if they weren't in some kind of schooling (learning an important trade is college/schooling.) Sounds like you're looking in to the medical insurance and other pieces that may already come out of the budget, but good to set limits and express those to your step son as you don't want him all of the sudden to find out he's cut off while he's at his birthday dinner.
I like vamoose,'s idea to keep putting the total CS in an account for a period of time until you know what all of your needs are. In a perfect world you even give him that money after a set amount of time and say that's it now you're on your own minus where we can help you (insert situations you outline.) Again give him some notice as to when this transition will take place so he can start to prepare. I wouldn't tell him that you've saved the money either, just let it be a nice surprise "gift" if you don't have to spend it sooner.
Finally, I promise I'm being gentle when I say this, just sharing a story. I was a bit more blessed that even as a one-income family my family was able to support me living at home when I was home from college until I was just 22 . There were no expectations set, just get a full time (hopefully career) job. That job happened to be 70 miles away, so I had to move very quickly. Luckily I had enough saved up to move in to a place (which wouldn't be possible now), however I didn't have a car and expected to use one of my parents cars because my mom didn't drive much (shouldn't have driven at all.) My job was great about loaning me a rental car for a couple of months for work travel, however all of the sudden when the travel stopped I didn't have a car to get from my (own) place to work because my mom wouldn't give up the car sitting in the garage, and my dad didn't want to piss her off. I had to get a car loan really fast, and it crippled me financially for years as I used the remainder of my savings for a downpayment. I couldn't shop for a good deal, so I just overpaid for a reliable car (that ended up with a LOT of issues) so I didn't do the replace the crappy used car every year game. I know my financial privilege in all that I had just to get to that point, but a conversation around "hey why don't you start looking in to getting a vehicle new or used", and some other things right when I graduated and moved home would have really helped ease that transition 3 or 4 months later. I'm the oldest and there's no parenting playbook, but that just seemed like a giant oversight. I can only imagine it's even harder to transition kids now because you basically don't learn life skills unless you learn them at home.
Can you imagine coming into a thread and taking just the least amount of information possible, applying it in a weird way, and trying for the gold medal in the trauma Olympics?
She actually provided a lot more info than you’re trying to convey with this one shitty snapback comment. This isn’t the same at all for what you’re going through. With your logic, anyone with a husband in a post should be met with the same ire. Neither are appropriate here. If anyone looks like a jerk, it isn’t the OP.
All I can do is apologize and say that I was speaking only about our certain circumstances with our son's mother without many many details over 18 years. I'm sorry.
The only thing my husband ever wanted was to be a father to his son and to have him in his life as much as he possibly could. He fought hard for 50/50, not because he wanted to lower child support (it didn't), but because he wanted his son in his life. And then I went and grossly misrepresented him and us with this post and reduced the relationship to dollar signs.
Again, I deserve the flaming and I'll take my due. I'm sorry.
Nah. Fuck that. You really don’t deserve the flaming. People say allll kinds of stuff about their kids and no one says “omg what if your kid read that?!” But because you are a stepmom, you can’t? And also, you didn’t actually say anything flame worthy. If I got to stop sending $700 automatically every month, I’d be rejoicing and planning too!
My reaction was from the original post- which made it sound like the obligation is over, they’d come into a “windfall” and thoughts of travel and fun they could with this newfound money.
No; I didn’t know they had joint custody and would still be contributing to his living expenses. 18 year old still need help w things like Car, insurance, health insurance, a roof over their head, but I didn’t realize he still lives with the OP.
Instead of “paying his mom” like she said, or reimbursing her, I think it’s a great idea for any money to go to him instead.
She’s obviously reflected and I admire that. Sorry.
This is so damn dumb. We all talk about our kids here. Hell we talk about family members, classmates and stranger’s kids. No one is made to feel bad about those comments, but OP should? Yah no this is dumb.
As I said above, I think this also warrants some deeper conversations with my husband about how we'll continue to support our son beyond that point. He and I have very different money mindsets and very different experiences from our own childhoods. He was essentially on his own once he graduated because his mom couldn't afford to do much else and he got a full time job after one year of community college. Whereas my parents continued to support me in any manner of ways throughout young adulthood.
The "we're going to have a windfall come May" mindset originated from my husband and likely stems from his experiences and what he was used to. And because of his experiences, he tends to be a little more bootstrappy in his thinking than he'd probably care to admit when it comes to our kids.
I don't think you have anything to apologize for and I think it's important to keep in mind that this board leans toward a demographic of people who can afford to (and want to) financially support children after they graduate HS-- many many parents don't provide any financial support for adult children in the "real world" so this board is maybe not a representative sample. PP's are reading like of course you will continue paying for SS's insurance, housing, food, etc. and if that works for you, great, but that's not the experience of many adult children and, yeah, we get all bootstrappy and we figure it out. You and YH can make the decision to support all of your children in the way that works for you.
My reaction was from the original post- which made it sound like the obligation is over, they’d come into a “windfall” and thoughts of travel and fun they could with this newfound money.
No; I didn’t know they had joint custody and would still be contributing to his living expenses. 18 year old still need help w things like Car, insurance, health insurance, a roof over their head, but I didn’t realize he still lives with the OP.
Instead of “paying his mom” like she said, or reimbursing her, I think it’s a great idea for any money to go to him instead.
She’s obviously reflected and I admire that. Sorry.
Nope, the OP had replied multiple times, clarifying that they weren’t just cutting him off, by the time you responded.
Post by hbomdiggity on Feb 7, 2024 16:17:04 GMT -5
I’d transfer to a savings account, see what other costs may come up that you want to help with, and then use it for a vacation for you and H.
My niece is about to graduate college and my sister is very aware that the $$ is coming to an end and planning accordingly. Niece understands as well. While I have feelings about my former BIL and what he has not paid for over the years, I’m not going to flame him or new wife for recognizing that obligation is ending.
I wasn't getting child support, but my son was getting social security payments based on his father's disability. You can bet once he graduated from HS they had no problem stopping those payments. You have nothing to apologize for. Everybody knows CS ends.
I'd also save half in an account earmarked for your stepson. If he does need help, it will feel less painful than having to find the money once you're used to doing other things with it. I'd do that until he graduates from whatever program he's interested in and is employed full-time.
I think any time a stepmom posts something, it goes a little haywire. Everyone's got pretty raw feelings from being the child or other parent in the equation and that definitely overshadows anything that you're saying.
For our situation, my H had a prolonged job loss right in the middle of SD1 graduating and SD2 graduating. Both girls moved in with us immediately upon graduating, so take that how you will with regards to their relationship with their mom. After a little under 2 years with barely even getting call backs, H had to find basically any job so he ended up in a career change with a pay cut so....no extra money to be had here. But once we were back on our feet I did plan a trip (for all of us) to Disney in 2022.
If things had gone as planned and we had the extra money, I would have put half into something responsible like paying down debt and the other half into trips.
SD22 is in an apartment with her boyfriend now, she graduates college in May and will start looking for a teaching position. SD21 is moving into an apartment with her boyfriend April 1, she is finishing up firefighter training and in the hiring process to make $55k to start, so we have almost made it through with getting them on a successful start to things!
Post by followyourarrow on Feb 7, 2024 16:59:56 GMT -5
OP has always been awesome here and inclusive when talking about her children, so I don't think she and her H are dancing around the house celebrating a windfall because CS is going to be over.
I'm cautious and would probably save $500 a month to start with, seeing what he needs as his life changes, and have some fun with the rest.
This is so damn dumb. We all talk about our kids here. Hell we talk about family members, classmates and stranger’s kids. No one is made to feel bad about those comments, but OP should? Yah no this is dumb.
Post by followyourarrow on Feb 7, 2024 17:11:39 GMT -5
CurlyQ284, at the risk of sounding crazy, I've thought about you often as I'm newly navigating the step-parent thing. You always seemed to handle things with grace, even when they were hard.
I have some...feelings that may not be entirely fair about this as someone whose stepfather supported me financially well past that point, but it just feels weird to me to think about this as a windfall when IMO 18 is still very young and not capable of supporting himself.
I trust that you know for sure when the obligation ends but my bio dad (who didn't bother actually keeping up his child support payments and died before this time) was legally obligated to pay them until I was 21/out of school. I also guess I'd consider what you plan to do for your biological children after they turn 18. Will it be no support for anyone? Even though the legal obligation of support may no longer be there, I'd plan to treat him the same way you do your other kids.
This is completely valid and I genuinely appreciate the feedback to help me reframe in my mind. Thank you.
As I said above, I think this also warrants some deeper conversations with my husband about how we'll continue to support our son beyond that point. He and I have very different money mindsets and very different experiences from our own childhoods. He was essentially on his own once he graduated because his mom couldn't afford to do much else and he got a full time job after one year of community college. Whereas my parents continued to support me in any manner of ways throughout young adulthood.
The "we're going to have a windfall come May" mindset originated from my husband and likely stems from his experiences and what he was used to. And because of his experiences, he tends to be a little more bootstrappy in his thinking than he'd probably care to admit when it comes to our kids.
Again, I truly appreciate the reframe because it will help me think through how we budget. Whether it's a line item dedicated to SS or bulking up savings or monthly categories with the knowledge that we'll continue to pull from those categories in different ways for him vs paying his mom monthly.
This is my husband too. He was on his own from age 16 (homeless until he joined the military at 18), so he's pretty bootstrappy. He says I'm spoiled 🤣. I don't disagree. Since they graduated high school I think they've gotten a lot more help because of my influence than they would have if H was a single parent but less help than I wish we could do since we keep getting financially hit these last few years. I think you'll just have to figure it out along the way depending on what he will need.
CurlyQ284, at the risk of sounding crazy, I've thought about you often as I'm newly navigating the step-parent thing. You always seemed to handle things with grace, even when they were hard.
Omg it was really hard, thank you so much for saying this, I'm tearing up! When I first started out, I was treating them like my own because that's what I thought was right (and I was 20 years old when I met them which is INSANE looking back) I had no clue what I was doing, nobody wanted my interference on things even though they were saying I should be an equal parent, through actions they did not mean it. It took me a long time to figure that out, and then when we were finally able to move local to them, things really boiled over since they were with us more. H and I fought A LOT and I just took a backseat role. I love them like they are my own, I truly do but decision wise I just had to accept that everyone just needs me to be a passenger, not the driver. I was really scared that they weren't going to turn out ok, their mom is...messy. H is super permissive and being the non custodial parent would often have a "what can I do about it" attitude. But they turned out REALLY awesome, and they put me as their emergency contact on everything and when something goes wrong, I'm the person they come to so I feel really proud of how it all turned out in the end ❤️
ETA and now having DS I get where they are coming from, if I remarried I would be super territorial over DS especially with his ADHD/ODD. So I get it now! I just didn't get it as a 20something!
Post by emilyinchile on Feb 7, 2024 17:56:14 GMT -5
Yeah, I definitely read this as you no longer paying money to his mom but continuing to financially support him as you have been generally. At no point did I jump to thinking you were never spending another dime on this kid.
It sounds like a great idea to me to find a balance between putting money toward paying off the cars or increasing savings or whatever other responsible thing plus some for travel and enjoying the extra breathing room in your budget.
Ok douche, go ahead and call it mud. My husband DID have halitosis. We addressed it after I talked to you girls on here and guess what? Years later, no problem. Mofongo, you're a cunt. Eat shit. ~anonnamus
My reaction was from the original post- which made it sound like the obligation is over, they’d come into a “windfall” and thoughts of travel and fun they could with this newfound money.
No; I didn’t know they had joint custody and would still be contributing to his living expenses. 18 year old still need help w things like Car, insurance, health insurance, a roof over their head, but I didn’t realize he still lives with the OP.
Instead of “paying his mom” like she said, or reimbursing her, I think it’s a great idea for any money to go to him instead.
She’s obviously reflected and I admire that. Sorry.
Reflected on what? Someone may need to reflect but it's not OP.
Ok douche, go ahead and call it mud. My husband DID have halitosis. We addressed it after I talked to you girls on here and guess what? Years later, no problem. Mofongo, you're a cunt. Eat shit. ~anonnamus
She’s obviously reflected and I admire that. Sorry.
Oh FFS, you can get down off that high horse now. You have better understood the situation, glitzy was super gracious about some tough comments, the end. She didn't need to reflect on shit.